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Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

Number of Replies: 184
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:56:08 pm
Author : dataimport
It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

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June 24, 2007, 7:16 pm CDT

Please help with my problem...

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years but have been together for 5 years. (I am 25 and he is 32.) Before we got marriage we both agreed on having 2-3 children. For the past year we have been fighting because my husband is now unsure on having children. I am positive I want to have children. I have most recently told my husband he needs to make up his mind and let me know. I also informed my husband that if he doesn't want any children I must leave the relationship. (Though it will be extremely difficult for the both of us.) I am afraid that my husband might agree that he wants to have children just to keep me but change his mind once again. (I am in college and will finish in 13 months so we would be having a baby tomorrow or anything.)

That do you think?  Please help! Thank you, Heather

 
June 29, 2007, 12:18 am CDT

I completely understand your situation

Quote From: joymomma

Should I get pregnant? That is a good question. I had three kids before my present marriage, my husband had two, so we have five kids from previous marriages. We had invitro four years ago and that resulted in twin girls. So, we have seven kids, although only the last three are home. Seven kids sounds like a lot, I know, and we do have the twins together, but... my husband so wants to try for a boy. Are we crazy? I'm pretty sure most people would think so! I just so love a new baby, and being pregnant I feel so special. I dont want to think I'll never do it again. We already have six grandkids! Also I'm 43 now and my husband is 51. OK, just posting this and actually typing this out, I can see we must be crazy! I lost my cousin a few months ago to a drug overdose and his name was Logan, which was going to be our sons name if we ever had one. His death felt like our never-to-be born sons death. It is so hard to say we will never even try for a son, we will just never have any more. When my daughter got pregnant at 18 and had her baby, I held my first grandchild in my arms, and although I adore her, she is not mine. Do I have something wrong with me? Our older kids are 31, 29, 20,18, and 15.  Our grandkids are 9,8,7,4, 3, and 10months. I love all the chaos and craziness and business of a big family. Maybe I need to find fulfillment elsewhere?

I have 3 girls.  Am desperate for a son.  Have tried low tech methods of swaying but they don't work.  The only way to be certain you will have a son is to use high tech gender selection, specifically IVF/PGD.

 

The United States have this available to people to gender balance families.  Here in Australia it is illegal and so I am currently looking at going to Thailand to have this done.

 

I run my own TTC A specific gender message board which provides all the low tech methods and gives you the supportive of many, many, many women who find themselves in a single gender family.

 

If you are anyone like me you will never feel fulfilled until your son is in your arms.  I wish you all the very best.

 

Most people who don't understand us either do not have children or they have a mixed gender family.

 
June 30, 2007, 11:20 pm CDT

Pregnant

Quote From: heathernlawson

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years but have been together for 5 years. (I am 25 and he is 32.) Before we got marriage we both agreed on having 2-3 children. For the past year we have been fighting because my husband is now unsure on having children. I am positive I want to have children. I have most recently told my husband he needs to make up his mind and let me know. I also informed my husband that if he doesn't want any children I must leave the relationship. (Though it will be extremely difficult for the both of us.) I am afraid that my husband might agree that he wants to have children just to keep me but change his mind once again. (I am in college and will finish in 13 months so we would be having a baby tomorrow or anything.)

That do you think?  Please help! Thank you, Heather

Sounds like that same thing I went through but different roles, I'm the wife that didn't want children. I went into my marriage with us both agreeing no children. But less then a year into it my husband then wanted to have a baby, well for 6 years I was bugged, not horrible but we talked about it yearly and I would always put it off for another year. Well I got pregnant last year, I'm prochoice but I just felt like its now or never of having children so I said yes we will keep the pregnancy and go foward. Its not like I'm immature I just like acting immature lol. If you love your husband give him some time. It might just be he doesn't feel ready, and one thing I have learned you never feel ready for your first child (usually). My advice would be wait a year or two or atleast until your done with schooling, you are not going to want to be pregnant while finishing college. You might have a bad pregnancy (I like to plan for the worse) I had a very bad pregnancy. I was laid up on the couch for the first 5 months and went into the ER 3x once for bleeding and 2 for uncontrollible vomitting, that I ended up on drugs to try and control the "morning sickness".

 

JMO

 
June 30, 2007, 11:33 pm CDT

Same fears

Quote From: kittencat

My husband an I have been together for four and a half years, married for two and a half.  He has been ready to have a baby forever, but I am not so sure I am ready.  Don't get me wrong, I really want children.  I am just worried that I will be a horrible mother.   

  

I don't have a lot of "maternal insticts".  I am worried that I won't know when the baby needs changed, or I won't feed it enough, or I won't hold it right, or feed it the right foods.  My husband says that all of this is normal, but I don't know.  I was never around a lot of babies growing up (I'm an only child) and to this day I have only ever even held one newborn, much less took care of one.  

  

Are my fears normal?  Should we have children?  Will everything fall into place?  Or should I hold off ...   

If you read my post before this one you will get some more of the story. I was the same way. I didn't like children I thought they were just little gross things that leak everywhere. Right before I found out I was pregnant in May of last year I was going out for the police department (until I found out I was pregnant then dropped out) I'm heavy into Martial Arts, and went to the gun range weekly. I loved to party all night. I always felt sorry for my friends that had children and couldn't do whatever they wished.

 

BOY was I wrong. All the way up till I had my son, I was scared to death that I wouldn't know how to feed him change him or what if I just forgot about him in the crib. I didn't even want the doctors to put him on my stomach after the birth cause I was like he is going to be all nasty. I did however enjoy being pregnant I liked feeling him kick and I tried to do all the healthy stuff. I however broke my ankle the day before I gave birth. So i was stuck in a wheel chair for 6 weeks cause I was so weak from not doing a whole during the pregnancy that I could use the cruches. Anyways I'm getting away from the point here.

 

When they put him on me right after birth, him cover in gross stuff. I started to cry cause I just had this rush of great joy come over me. I had this little baby that I created with my husband. I didn't even sleep for the first week really unless someone else was up to watch my son. Your child doesn't let you forget about him and you usually hold him all day besides when he is napping, so its easy to check for messy diapers and to feed him. I still don't like children or other babies. I however love my son and couldn't image my life without him now. I miss drinking all night and being wasted the next day, but you realize your son/daughter is so much more important that you would turn the world for them if you had too.

 

My advice is don't rush into having children if you don't feel ready but yes these fears are 100% normal. The fact you want children but are scared you will fail means more then likly you will not fail. Its hard very hard work. But you get use to it, you get to love the everday stress sometimes. My son is now 5 months old. I spend my days reading to him and giving him tummy times so he can start crawling and then on to walking soo. I'm planning on getting a high chair in the next couple of weeks cause he will be going on foods in less then a month (6 months old)

 

Oh and get pregnancy books, and all the what to expect when expecting books, even before you get pregnant you should know what your getting into. I love it and this is from a woman that was scared all the way to labor, and I mean scared like crying and wanting to change my mind scared.

 
July 4, 2007, 2:01 am CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

I was 17 when i first got pregnant. I knew i was pregnant from the day it happened. i was so stressed out and scared about the whole thing. This was my first boyfriend and first everything and it was all happening so fast i had only been dating him for 6 months. My mom and dad kicked me out of the house. so i started living with the father and his family. then i was very ill like so ill i was in bed all the time and i couldnt eat anything not even water i threw up everything it was horrible. then one day i went to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. i was so scared i thought i lost the baby and i was screaming cause of the pain and i was very scared. i went to the hospital continuing to lose lots of blood and i misscarried. i wouldnt stop bleeding so they rushed me to the operating room to have a d & c. this all happened in an amount of time no longer than an hour. i told my boyfriend to call my dad and tell my dad to get my mom too even though i hadnt spoken to either in a long time. well i lost over half of my blood and i had alot of fluid in my lungs and surprisingly i only spent one night in the hospital and went home the next afternoon. the doctor's said that if i was ten more minutes i would have bled to death. now that was pretty scary. i recovered very slowly. i lost alot of weight and muscle mass. it was hard to walk or carry anything at all. it took me about seven months till i felt normal again; not like i used to but normal. then out of no where i got pregnant again by a fluke. i was so excited me and my now fiance were so thrilled. everything was going fine. i had morning sickness but nothing as savere as last time i went to the doctor's office almost every week. he told me everything looked great. i was scheduled to go and hear the babies heart beat at 4 and 1/2 months and that was a week away now. i was staying with my mom now here and there when i wanted some help. she was back in my life now and was excited too to be a granny. so i went to bed with cramps thinking i was having gas cramps and i tried sleeping but the cramps got more and more as time went by so i tried going to the bathroom and i went but the pains stayed. then all of a sudden i felt this rush of something wet come out of me and i freaked totally out thinking i was having another misscarriage and was bleeding. i screamed as loud as i could for my mom but she didnt hear me, then i tried my dad and he didnt respond either, so i screamed for my brother and by that time i was soooooo scared and felt all alone. so the i tried my mom a couple more time and my dad at the same time and they finally got to my bedroom and i told them what happened. my mom just wanted to see if i was bleeding and i was scared to let her see. and so i got out of bed and went to the washroom and looked and there was nothing there it was a clear fluid. but i was still haveing bad pains now thinking they're contractions. so both of my parents drove me to the hospital and i was in labour. it took 2 hours which seemed like a minute to pass the baby i had a stillbirth. that hurt so darn much cause there was no indication of me having one it came out of no where. well denis my fiance showed up at the hospital knowing what happened and was in tears but ok and was there to give me support. i was still in alot of pain so they gave me demeral. i had to have another d & c because the placenta was still attached and wasnt seperating from the uterus. i wasnt bleeding or anything. but i had one to prevent from bleeding to death. i left at around noon and was only in the hospital a total of ten hours. that was my second pregnancy. now i just found out im pregnant again. im thrilled but not getting overly excited this time incase something does happen again. im so worried that ill have another misscarriage that i cant even enjoy that im not throwing up and that im having my fiances baby. i prey to god that everything goes good with this pregnancy. it feels better already. im going for my first check up on friday and im nervous. ive only told my parents in law and my sister in law not my own family yet but when i know everything is alright then ill think about telling them well wish me luck and i wish those people luck who are out there with the same predicament. take care and bye for now
 
July 10, 2007, 5:19 pm CDT

well.....

Quote From: smekelane

I am 25yrs of age and expecting to finish my degree next year this time around my boyfriend is 23yrs is is working for the government he has a diploma. I fill i have to have a child be4 i find a job caz atleast i want to take care of the child for a year b4 i leave the child home an off to work. my boyfriend is not ready to have a child, he says he want to have a child after marriage. but i disagree with him caz i am not getting any yonger and i dont think he is ready 4 a marriage either as i also am not ready 4 it. all i want is a child for now then marraige later when we are both ready. i am affraid to have a baby when i am older, i believe then it wld be the rite age for me to have a baby. and i am also affraid to leave my kid when he 2 small at home. there is another proble my boyfriend doent think i am fit enough to raise a kid, he says if we have one the he should be the one to raise him caz where i come from he belie the villagers are not displined like where he come from, so he want a very displined kid. i am not saying i am not displined only becaz most of the kids in my village i not he bilieves it is nt a gud place to raise a kid, but i disagree with him caz i belive u as a parent should be responsible 4 ur own kid and show her/him the rite ways in life, yes if i let my kid follow the way others are then it wont be displine, i am supposed to be the one to teach in the displine, that hw i fill. i also drink beer but i am not an addict, i can control my drinking caz i drink only when i want to and i can afford it and when the situation allows me to(if it is time for school work its time for school work i dont go 4 drinking), but my boyfriend believe i will leave the kid and go to drink, when i try to explain to him all this he says he doesnt trust me. so should i force him to make the baby or shld i just wait 4 him to be ready and trust me. is the clock ticking or i am just being paranoid. also what is the oldest age safe to have a baby incase he wld want a child several yrs to come?

a lot of women in the US have had children past age 40.  if your boyfriend doesnt trust you to raise a child GET RID OF HIM!!!!!!! you do not deserve this kind of stress.

 

how can u think that u can have a baby and get married later when the time is right? im not judging women who have kids then get married, im just saying that at this time in history, the odds of marriage working with children born BEFORE marriage is very slim.

 

what's to say you and your boyfriend will last forever? what if you have the baby, he leaves and you have no job skills to support your child?

 

i have a 3 year old son from a previous marriage (we were married for over a year before our son was born) and my boyfriend now doesnt want kids yet. we are getting married next summer, are building a house and adore each other but he wants to be secure in a house and married before we have kids.

 

you should ask yourself a question:

 

1.)      Will you be able to support your child if your relationship doesnt work?

 

 
July 10, 2007, 5:26 pm CDT

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Quote From: kabonkey

To be honest with you I would wait. I would finish school, and sit and have that discussion with your boyfriend. I really don't think your ready for a baby it takes a lot of work and you don't know what complications you might come across during and after your pregnancy. I wish I would of finished college before I started to have children, It's still my goal but now I have to pay for child care ( which isn't cheep) and it takes my time away from my son I currently have one on the way. I husband is in the army so we are financially OK. My biggest fear is that something happening to my husband and I don't have anything to fall back on. There is a lot to think through. I would even talk to a premarital counselor about your situation.  

look, i hate it when people think that women who have kids while in college dont finish.

 

i recieved two seperate degrees while pregnant with two seperate kids. i work for a prestigious law firm and my son is very well adjusted (i miscarried my daughter but still finished college).

 

way too many people think that if you have kids before college or during, you quit and dont finish.  i say that if you are financially stable and you both agree to it, go for it. more power to ya!!!!! go to school while pregnant, take some time off to have the baby and recover and get a safe and trustworthy babysitter for when you do go back and go to school part time if your uncomfortable doing it full time. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT IN THE END; TRUST ME!!!!!

 
July 10, 2007, 11:27 pm CDT

Pregnancy

Quote From: austin2004

look, i hate it when people think that women who have kids while in college dont finish.

 

i recieved two seperate degrees while pregnant with two seperate kids. i work for a prestigious law firm and my son is very well adjusted (i miscarried my daughter but still finished college).

 

way too many people think that if you have kids before college or during, you quit and dont finish.  i say that if you are financially stable and you both agree to it, go for it. more power to ya!!!!! go to school while pregnant, take some time off to have the baby and recover and get a safe and trustworthy babysitter for when you do go back and go to school part time if your uncomfortable doing it full time. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT IN THE END; TRUST ME!!!!!

The reason most say wait cause its easies to finish college without a pregnancy and a new born baby. I have told my girlfriend the same advice, she is in college to be a RN. She agreed with me cause she is unsure if she would want to rush back into school with a new born. Its hard to say how a person will be after they have a child. And then what happens if you have a bad pregnancy, I had very bad morning sickness I went into the ER twice and finally they put me on meds to help me keep food down, and that was the first 7 months of my pregnancy. I have a healthy baby thank GOD, but my sister in law that did everything correctly had a very sick baby without any warning, my nephew will be 1 years old next month and was finally able to go home last month for the first time, he is still hocked up to machines, he had a rare heart conditions which ended up having to have a new heart in January of this year. Can you image dealing with that and trying to finish school, my sister in law quit her job, that she worked 10 very hard years to get to, ie 5 years of school and 5 years of 13 hour days 7 days a week. She dropped everything to be with her son everyday in that hospital.

 

Its great that you were able to do it and there are alot that are able to do it and do it all the time. I knew girls that continued to go to college while having 1 kid and pregnant with there 2nd and having there 2nd. But should you plan to do it that way. I would say no but if it happens then it happens and deal with it. But its better to have a planned pregnancy or a more stable life, its easier to take time off work for a while then to take time off college.

 

JMO

 
August 27, 2007, 4:44 pm CDT

What should I do?

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.  We went through rough times and even discussed divorce at one point.  We struggled financially, first living with inlaws then renting an apartment but last year we bought our first home.  Also this year I just got a new job paying much more money.  I am finally ready to start a family but now my husband is having second thoughts.  He is 31 but he says he wants his freedom and b/c of our rocky past he is afraid to have kids.  I was shocked since we've always talked about having a family and now we finally have the stability  and for the past 6 months things have been going very well for us.  I am completely devistated.  I cry after we have sex because I feel like I'm being used... i'm good enough to have sex with but not good enough to be the mother of his kids?  I"m going to be 30 next month and would like to have more than just 1 kid.  Havin a family is part of my definition of success.  So how long should I wait?  I love my husband to death and will probably stay with him forever but is that the right choice?  My parents were divorced and I do not beleive in divorce but I don't want to be 60 years old when everyone else is excited about their grandchildren and regret my entire life.  I'm so depressed everyday, I'm devistated and just don't know what to do.
 
August 27, 2007, 4:49 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: heathernlawson

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years but have been together for 5 years. (I am 25 and he is 32.) Before we got marriage we both agreed on having 2-3 children. For the past year we have been fighting because my husband is now unsure on having children. I am positive I want to have children. I have most recently told my husband he needs to make up his mind and let me know. I also informed my husband that if he doesn't want any children I must leave the relationship. (Though it will be extremely difficult for the both of us.) I am afraid that my husband might agree that he wants to have children just to keep me but change his mind once again. (I am in college and will finish in 13 months so we would be having a baby tomorrow or anything.)

That do you think?  Please help! Thank you, Heather

Heather, I am in the same boat as you.  I just posted a message about my situation.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we just bought a house and are finally stable to have a family.  Except now he says he's not ready and he doesn't want to lose his freedom.  So he doesn't know if he ever wants to have kids.  I am not getting any younger and would like to have more than 1 kid.  I feel the same way as you though, divorce would be horrible.  So what's a girl to do, wait forever and risk never having kids... or leave and risk never finding someone else that you'd want to have kids with?  I used to work for a doctor who's long term girlfriend left him b/c she wanted to get married and have kids.  He ran into her 20 years later and she was still single.  I don't know what the answer is but I do find some peace in knowing I'm not the only person who has these feelings.
 
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