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Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

Number of Replies: 184
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:56:08 pm
Author : dataimport
It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

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September 11, 2007, 1:18 am CDT

Advice

Quote From: lucy_q

Heather, I am in the same boat as you.  I just posted a message about my situation.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we just bought a house and are finally stable to have a family.  Except now he says he's not ready and he doesn't want to lose his freedom.  So he doesn't know if he ever wants to have kids.  I am not getting any younger and would like to have more than 1 kid.  I feel the same way as you though, divorce would be horrible.  So what's a girl to do, wait forever and risk never having kids... or leave and risk never finding someone else that you'd want to have kids with?  I used to work for a doctor who's long term girlfriend left him b/c she wanted to get married and have kids.  He ran into her 20 years later and she was still single.  I don't know what the answer is but I do find some peace in knowing I'm not the only person who has these feelings.

My husband adn i have been married for almost 2 years now. we started trying for a baby right away, but the whole time he was totall  unsure. He wanted to wait a year but we both also knew that it could take some time, which in the end it took a year so it kinda worked out the way he wanted. We are expecting our daughter anyday now. I think if you want a child you should stand for what you want. I also felt the same way as heather, i dont think i woulkd have been able to stay in a relationship and give up something i truly wanted. In the beginning, he was a little put off by everything, but now he is just as excited and anxious as i am for her to get here. I think it is this way with alot of men- the thought of being responsible for another person is a scary thing and they feel they will lose their freedom. I would try some sort of counceling or jsut you and your husband sitting down together and having a nice, long discussion about it.

 
September 20, 2007, 11:31 am CDT

I feel my husband keeps putting off kids

I have been married now for over a year.  We where together 4 years before and best friends for a couple years before that.  We have been talking since day one what we wanted in life.  We both agreed that we wanted to have 2 kids before I was 30.  Also we wanted them a couple years a part.  We talked about after getting married start tring for a baby.  Durring our small time between the wedding and honeymoon we found our perfect house.  We had to get out of the bad area we lived in before having kids.  Because of the house he said he wanted to wait a yr to get somethings in the house ready first for the first year.  So I said ok.  It's been a year and now I just lost my job a couple months ago. Im doing side jobs to pay the things that I was before.  (which we both wanted me to quit anyway before having kids) He is saling his toy which is a big finacial burden.  Now he is buying a nother toy that is going to have no payment and is actually altogether better but he isnt going to have the excated toy as is friends. He is still going to be there playing he just isnt going to have the same thing. Now he is taking everything out on me and tells me he dosnt know when we are going to have one.  He used finacial problums as why we couldnt get married.  Now I feel he is doing the same thing.  I think he just dosn't want to grow up.  His sister is older and says the same thing as him.  They dont want to give up their life. Am I being wrong for wanting a baby??  How do I talk to him??  He says he feels like I'm always nagging. I just want to talk and set a goal but I feel like I never get any where because the only answer I get anymore is "I dont know" and you can see him shut down at even bring up baby.
 
September 20, 2007, 11:52 am CDT

Baby talk

Quote From: mshell

I have been married now for over a year.  We where together 4 years before and best friends for a couple years before that.  We have been talking since day one what we wanted in life.  We both agreed that we wanted to have 2 kids before I was 30.  Also we wanted them a couple years a part.  We talked about after getting married start tring for a baby.  Durring our small time between the wedding and honeymoon we found our perfect house.  We had to get out of the bad area we lived in before having kids.  Because of the house he said he wanted to wait a yr to get somethings in the house ready first for the first year.  So I said ok.  It's been a year and now I just lost my job a couple months ago. Im doing side jobs to pay the things that I was before.  (which we both wanted me to quit anyway before having kids) He is saling his toy which is a big finacial burden.  Now he is buying a nother toy that is going to have no payment and is actually altogether better but he isnt going to have the excated toy as is friends. He is still going to be there playing he just isnt going to have the same thing. Now he is taking everything out on me and tells me he dosnt know when we are going to have one.  He used finacial problums as why we couldnt get married.  Now I feel he is doing the same thing.  I think he just dosn't want to grow up.  His sister is older and says the same thing as him.  They dont want to give up their life. Am I being wrong for wanting a baby??  How do I talk to him??  He says he feels like I'm always nagging. I just want to talk and set a goal but I feel like I never get any where because the only answer I get anymore is "I dont know" and you can see him shut down at even bring up baby.
That is hard. Some people are just scared to actually have the baby. I was that way it finally took the birth control pill not working to finally have a child. But I was always telling my husband later, later, later. We were married for 6 years before we finally got pregnant. My husband is already bugging me to talk about a second one, and our son is only 8 months old. I laugh and say you wish, even though I keep that topic open cause I might want one in a few years. But you as the female and having so much more control of what you do get pregnant. Tell him you are going off your birth control and if you get pregnant then great and if you don't then you just keep trying. See how he reacts to that. Maybe its the planning that is just scaring him, cause really babies can be scary for some people.
 
September 21, 2007, 1:25 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: tiffany_2007

That is hard. Some people are just scared to actually have the baby. I was that way it finally took the birth control pill not working to finally have a child. But I was always telling my husband later, later, later. We were married for 6 years before we finally got pregnant. My husband is already bugging me to talk about a second one, and our son is only 8 months old. I laugh and say you wish, even though I keep that topic open cause I might want one in a few years. But you as the female and having so much more control of what you do get pregnant. Tell him you are going off your birth control and if you get pregnant then great and if you don't then you just keep trying. See how he reacts to that. Maybe its the planning that is just scaring him, cause really babies can be scary for some people.

Thanks!  I have been getting that comment from alot of friends and family but I was hoping for outsiders look.  You know how your friends and family can take your side.  I know it is scary and I understand. Thats why I havn't been really pushy but I do feel like if I dont do some thing I might not ever have kids.  I just always figured this would be some thing that we could both be excited to start.  I didnt really want to push.  I do like what you said because this way he knows that I'm not and then he can take the nexted step.

 

Your story sounds like my husbands sister.  She is still on the fence about having kids but her husband wants them sooo bad.  So she finally just stoped the pill.

 
September 24, 2007, 8:20 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Kick his ass to the curb now while you have the chance...you only have one child and you deserve to have more when you find the right person. Don't bestow to him, his kids are not your obligation if you leave...Maybe he was right, you two were not ready for a baby...He needs to grow up or get out! You can do better:)
 
October 17, 2007, 10:28 am CDT

Should I have a baby now?

I am a 26-year old female who has been with her boyfriend for nearly 3 years.We met through work and he is 11 years older than me. Although I love him very much I don't know whether he is the 'one'. We don't have a connection or 'spark' that people say they get when they meet the right person. I love him in the way that he protects, cares and looks after me in almost a 'fatherly' way but I don't think we have similar interests and desires for the future. He wants to settle down and have children, and I do want these things one day, but I am unsure as to whether they should be with him or not, and whether they should be now or in a few years' time when I feel like I am ready.

I am find myself getting very broody though and don't know whether I should be thinking about having children now or just going out and enjoying myself. I know that I've got years ahead of me to plan for a family but for some reason, I've been getting these overwhelming urges to have a child now, even though I've just moved into my new flat that I've bought and should be concentrating on having fun.

I have thought long and hard about all the implications involved and know that having a child involves a lot of hard work, financial and emotional commitment and responsibility. However, I'm a bit scared that if I wait ten years and find I am regretting now having it earlier, then I will be kicking myself.

I suppose because of these doubts, there must be an answer which says 'Wait until I'm older and more stable/secure' but I'm kind of thinking, "maybe I shouldn't be fighting these urges?' I know there's a hell of a difference between having a baby and wanting one, but I just feel that my life is getting to the stage where I'd like to settle down a bit more. I'm so confused - help!
 
November 6, 2007, 8:11 am CST

Should we or not?

I am really in need of some good advice and thought that this place, with like-minded DrPhil fans would be just my forum.
I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me, loves me and does everything for me. I am very grateful for him!
My husband is 43 and I am 31 -- quite the age difference, I know.
My husband is Finnish and I am Danish. We live together in Finland and have done so happily for the past 4 years. We have been together for 6 years.

When we met I knew that the age might be an issue. His previous marriage ended badly: years of no sex and the only conversation was 'good morning' and 'good night'. They had a daughter together and he believes that having a child ruined his marriage. So he announced to me early on that he would never remarry and never have more children. At first I was ok with this. Who anyways knows how life goes, right?
When our relationship got more serious I told him that I was not happy with the announcement he had made on marriage and children. I was 25 at the time and told him that I could in no way sign up for a life knowing that I would never have the possibility for either marriage or children.
He understood this and told me that he had changed his mind; marriage and children were not that bad an idea anymore.
Four years later, we are married, happily. I have never been aching for children and neither has my husband. I have however made sure to tell him that I might want them in the future, a fact that he has accepted. We discussed it at length before getting married and he reassured me that I had nothing to fear; he would 'deliver' if I should ever want a child.

Now I gradually find myself changing my standpoint on children. I live in another country and would like to create my own little society here.
My husband, however, is still not that hot on the idea. He is of course afraid that his second marriage will also go down the drain because of the pressure children bring with them.
After some long-night conversations and some crying on my part, he said ok. When the time is right and with the right amount of planning he is willing.
I am still afraid that I am forcing him. He knows how important this has become to me and might agree out of fear that I would leave him, should he say no.
I might, he is right about that. I would like a loving family and don't think I should have to miss out on that because he all of a sudden goes back on his word after we got married.
I would be so sad to lose my husband because he means the world to me and I know I couldn't find anyone like him again.
What do you think? Should I take him on his word and plan for a child or should I start thinking about how to live in Finland on my own?
Thank you for taking the time to read about my problems!
 
November 6, 2007, 11:38 pm CST

There are more of us then

Quote From: lucy_q

Heather, I am in the same boat as you.  I just posted a message about my situation.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we just bought a house and are finally stable to have a family.  Except now he says he's not ready and he doesn't want to lose his freedom.  So he doesn't know if he ever wants to have kids.  I am not getting any younger and would like to have more than 1 kid.  I feel the same way as you though, divorce would be horrible.  So what's a girl to do, wait forever and risk never having kids... or leave and risk never finding someone else that you'd want to have kids with?  I used to work for a doctor who's long term girlfriend left him b/c she wanted to get married and have kids.  He ran into her 20 years later and she was still single.  I don't know what the answer is but I do find some peace in knowing I'm not the only person who has these feelings.
Both Heather, you and I are in the same situation. I have always thought that being honest about what you want in a relationship would create a win-win situation for both spouses.
I posted a message yesterday stating my own concerns about the problem both you and Heather are having.
My husband always promised me he'd have a child with me when the time comes, but now he's all of a sudden unsure.
I came to the same conclusion as the two of you. You can either live with a clean 'no' to children or you can't.
I am sure that if I stayed with my huband and agreed not to have children just to keep him, I would end up regretting it and hating him later on.
It is not for sure that I would find someone else, but the fear of being alone without a man is not enough to quench my desire for a family.
I don't think we should be held hostages by fear.
 
November 26, 2007, 2:14 am CST

Should I get prednant

i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years after 3 yrs of our relationship he ggot some-one else pregnant bt he moved to Scotland because I needed a break from him.He came back this year n things were going and still are except that he wants us to have our own child and I'm not ready.Please advised me on what should I do??
 
December 6, 2007, 1:56 pm CST

should i have a baby

My name is shamekka and i am 23 years old. My boyfriend and i have been together for a year now and we discussed having a baby. I want to have a baby but i want to get married and finish school first but he wants another one now. I already have a five year old girl and he have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old son. What should i do if he dont want to wait till i am through pursuing my career.
 
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