So, my husband and I went through a really tough time about 2 years ago and almost divorced. We decided to work on some things and slowly got our relationship back on track. My husband lost his job last summer and that event caused us to get much closer and to realize how much we mean to eachother. He is now employed and we got through the four months he was not working well. I felt so connected to him during those four months and we truely bonded. About 4-5 months ago, we were talking about kids and decided it was time for us to have a family. I went to my ob/gyn for a check-up and to ask some questions. Then we started trying. In January and February, we weren't very successful as he was away a lot on business and I usually ovulated during those times (go figure). Anyway, this month, we finally were in the same state when I ovulated. But, I'm now having serious second thoughts about kids. I sat down today and was really pondering us having kids and I realized that we are not ready and it scared me (cause it may be too late) and it made me very sad. Let me explain...
My husband and I have separate banking accounts. We do have a joint checking account now but we don't really use it. My husband says he wants to put our money together but every time I bring it up, he is too busy, or says yeah, yeah we will. But, we never get around to doing it. I like my bank, he likes his....getting the picture?? I recently suggested that we go to a completely different bank than either of ours and get a joint checking and saving account and close ALL of our other accounts. He has abunch of accounts and has a lot more money than me. He is the breadwinner but, I am not a "gold digger" and am not after his money. (I was the one with the money when we met actually - LOL) I just want us to have our money together and if we are starting a family, why shouldn't we? I am very nervous because my husband has always been very secretive about his finances and recently showed me all of his accounts. I was shocked to see how much he had in his savings account. I'm not sure why he won't put our money together. We have been married almost 4 years and have been together a total of 11 years. This is a huge issue for me and he seems to down play it no matter what I say to him. This scares me as children cost money and I want to be sure we can afford one. I believe we can, but want to be 100% sure.
Plus, he recently started to lock his cell phone whenever I am left alone with it. This is very concerning to me. I asked him about it and he says it's because he has nude pictures of me on his cell phone so he locks it all the time to make sure no one can see the pictures on the phone. WE LIVE TOGETHER ALONE. That story makes noooooo sense. I suggested that he erase all the pictures of me but he said no. I then told him that it makes no sense that he would lock his phone when I'm alone with it if the picutres are of me. He said because he knows I will go through the phone and invade his privacy. Let me explain, I picked up his phone one day to get one of his friends phone numbers to do a surprise for him and noticed the phone was locked. Then I checked it a few days later and saw that he was still locking it. He rarely did this before. That was when I confronted him and he wanted to know why I was going through his stuff. I have come home early from work since then and he is in the shower and the phone is not locked - only when I am around! Strange huh??? Yeah, I thought so too!!!! Recently I have been going crazy trying to get peeps into his cell phone to see what he is hiding. He has forgotten to lock it a few times but I never found anything at all on it. AM I GOING CRAZY HERE????? I am so open, honest and my life is an open book that his secretive ways really scare me sometimes.
As I'm writing this little blog, I go back and re-read what I wrote. I feel like I am so crazy for even considering a family with this guy. Am I really nuts??? I feel so naive when I'm a pretty grounded person. So, I'm writing to get some feedback and advice. Am I going crazy??? Is the whole baby thing just freaking me out??? Am I looking for things to not deal with having a family???? I truely do want a family and am ready to be a mom but I don't want to have kids because I'm ready and our relationship is not. I don't want to be selfish as the child will be the one to suffer! I hope someone out there can help level me out. I feel like I'm going crazy...
