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Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:56:08 pm
Author : dataimport
It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

 
annexena
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May 31, 2006, 3:42 pm PDT

Baby news

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Well, here's the update.  I had an appt. on the 4th and found out I have to have another HSG test.  Ouch that's gonna hurt!!  Blood was drawn and further tests have to be done.  Now, for the best news...  you know how we all have that list in our heads of what we are looking for in a partner?  Well, funny thing... I met someone who fits everything (and yes I do mean everything) on my list.  Furthermore, he says I meet all of his list.  He had decided to just pray and let things go whatever way God wanted them to go.  Then he meets me.  So, after careful thought, I explained about my pending dr. appt. and here's the funny thing.  He not only supports the idea, he went with me.  Met the dr. and everything.  Things are moving at a fast pace, but at my age I don't have the luxury of time.  But when there's so many things that just fall into place, how do you just ignore it?  We're planning to stay together and give leave things in God's hands.  He has the ultimate say in babies, but we will work with the dr. and see what the tests say.  Minimum, I'll have to have an IUI procedure.  Sperm testing still has to be completed on my honey first.  Wow, it's amazing how things have gone.  I just have to leave things in God's hands too.  If nothing seems to go our way, we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.  Blessings to you and thanks for listening to me ramble.  Now if I could the stupid grin off my face...  

Hi lorraine,  

   

I am glad everthing is going good for you.. He sounds like a real nice guy... Well i just  found out that i am pregnant..Yea!!!!!!  But i am going to take it one day at a time... I see the doctor tomorrow,, Hopefully i will see how far along i am .  

   

Take care and God bless  

   

Anne  
 
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jai149

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May 31, 2006, 5:40 pm PDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: rjfrench

After reading several posts I've decided that some-not all, but some- view having a baby with no higher regard than adopting a pet. Many of you are in relationships that, however stable you may try to pass them off as, aren't. If you can't talk to your partner, if your partner is not willing to commit to marriage, if you are not financially stable- don't try to have a baby. I had 2 daughters very young. I was not financially stable and my first daughter was born into a horrible, horrible relationship. I didn't try to get pregnant, it just happened. I could not imagine WANTING to bring a child into that. If you view getting pregnant as a quick fix to your problems, if you have the "white picket fence" line of thinking that a baby will be born and you and your partner will live in harmonious bliss for the rest of eternity raising your perfect child together, if you think "it can't be as hard as everyone says" I hate to tell you- you're wrong. Its harder than everyone says. It puts MORE strain on a relationship. I love my children- they are the best things that ever happened to me, but a part of loving your children is being able to take the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. Just remember, they aren't so cute at 3 in the morning when you haven't slept in 2 days and they're screaming their little heads off into your ear while you pace back and forth crying because other girls your age have nothing more to worry about than who's house the party's at this weekend.
I had my first child quite young as well.  I now have a son who is 3, a daughter who is 2 and am expecting our third child in December.  But I wouldnt change anything for the world.  Yes I missed out on alot of the experiances you have growing up but it doesnt matter.  What matters is that I have a family the I cherish.  They make everyday worth getting up for.  It does sound to me too that you are very bitter and angry about what you suposidly "missed-out" on.  Not everyone gets the white-picket fence. If  I had the choice of doing it all over again, I would change a thing - my kids win everytime.  I suggest you speak to someone about your feelings.  Putting up with the good, bad and ugly is part of every relationship - good or not.  If you think that perfect relationship actually exsists - your kidding yourself.  Everyone has problems.  I think you should look at what you've got , rather than what you havent - some people dont even have that.
 
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banjo53
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May 31, 2006, 7:07 pm PDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: annexena

Hi lorraine,  

   

I am glad everthing is going good for you.. He sounds like a real nice guy... Well i just  found out that i am pregnant..Yea!!!!!!  But i am going to take it one day at a time... I see the doctor tomorrow,, Hopefully i will see how far along i am .  

   

Take care and God bless  

   

Anne  

Thanks for the support.  I wish you all the luck in the world with this pregnancy.  I hope you're going to be blessed with a child.  Keep my up to date on this one.  Blessings to you!!  Lorraine  

   
 
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rjfrench
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June 1, 2006, 3:42 am PDT

ruining dreams??

Quote From: banjo53

Not to say that your experience is for me to look down upon, but you sound kind of bitter.  Maybe you weren't ready or didn't want to have a child at that time of your life.  Really, it's not for you to say to others whether they are ready for children or not.  It is between that couple.  For me, my boyfriend never thought he would meet someone who at this stage of life would still want to have children, and the same for me.  I have fallen head over heels for him and he for me. We actually don't have problems and know for a fact that we have always wanted to be parents.  I understand and so does he that children are a ton of work.  It's why we discussed things like our parenting philosophies now before it happens.  What we believe, want, and hope for our children needs to be discussed ahead of time to make sure we are on the same page. We actually wrote it all down.  We did the same for our marriage.  We will be going through premarital counseling shortly.  It's something that couples should do to lessen problems down the road.  (Not that anyone can be prepared for every scenario.)  I know that parenting is the hardest job that he and I will ever do.  We, at age 39 and 44, are prepared for it.  We know the financial obligations.  I find it disheartening that you would post the comments you made here.  You should be careful about ruining people's dreams with your words.  But take heart everyone who reads here... I am not deterred and none of you should be either!!!  Lorraine
I did not post this with the intent of ruining anybody's dreams.. I posted this with the intent of telling people to think about what they're doing before they try to have a baby with someone who obviously isn't ready or willing to take on that responsibility. Several posts speak of women trying to get pregnant, but not wanting to tell their boyfriends that that is what they are doing. This is going to lead them to nothing but trouble. I love my children and wouldn't change a thing about having them- but I'm sorry that I was too young when they were born to give them all they deserve. I am in a very good relationship now with a very wonderful man who has accepted the full "package" including my daughter. In fact, as of tomorrow, she will also be his because he is adopting her. All I'm saying is having a baby to save a marriage or to try to trap your partner into staying with you is the wrong reason and if you are having a baby for the wrong reason you ARE NOT ready. Children are not pawns and they are not pets. The topic of this message board is "SHOULD WE GET PREGNANT?" and not  "TELL ME ITS OK TO HAVE A CHILD FOR THE WRONG REASON" so excuse me for answering that question for some of you. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck (although it sounds like you won't need luck since you're thinking ahead and planning so well) and I apologize if anyone misinterpreted what I said. My post was certainly not intended for everybody, but mostly the really young ones who appear to be wanting to get pregnant for the wrong reasons and rather than have one of them feel attacked by posting as a response I posted as a new message in hopes they would all see it.
 
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rjfrench
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June 1, 2006, 3:49 am PDT

Yea.. that's what I said..

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I had my first child quite young as well.  I now have a son who is 3, a daughter who is 2 and am expecting our third child in December.  But I wouldnt change anything for the world.  Yes I missed out on alot of the experiances you have growing up but it doesnt matter.  What matters is that I have a family the I cherish.  They make everyday worth getting up for.  It does sound to me too that you are very bitter and angry about what you suposidly "missed-out" on.  Not everyone gets the white-picket fence. If  I had the choice of doing it all over again, I would change a thing - my kids win everytime.  I suggest you speak to someone about your feelings.  Putting up with the good, bad and ugly is part of every relationship - good or not.  If you think that perfect relationship actually exsists - your kidding yourself.  Everyone has problems.  I think you should look at what you've got , rather than what you havent - some people dont even have that.
"Putting up with the good, bad and ugly is part of every relationship - good or not.".. Did I not say that?? I was simply telling people who want to have children to look at angles.. It isn't all playtime and cute stuff and people need to realize that before they go getting pregnant. As far as speaking to someone about my feelings, I really don't think I need to- these are the same feelings all mothers share whether they admit it or not. Nobody can tell me that at 3 in the morning when their baby is screaming its ear off in their ear they haven't thought about how wonderful it would be to get a full night's rest. I am bitter and angry, but not about having children- I'm bitter and angry at myself for bringing a child into this world while in an abusive relationship. I'm bitter and angry that people continue to bring children into this world daily and intentionally to try to "fix" troubled relationships when they're only complicating things more by bringing in a poor little soul to witness the destruction. I love my children. I love the man I'm with now- he's a very good man and is adopting my daughter tomorrow afternoon. My life is back in one piece, but I'm very lucky to be able to say that. People who get pregnant because they want someone to love them unconditionally, or because they think its going to insure their relationship to be a lasting one, or because they think it's going to change their partner need to wake up and smell the coffee. A baby should not be looked at as a solution to any relationship problems, but rather something the couple can reward themselves with when the problems get worked out.
 
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banjo53
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June 1, 2006, 7:31 pm PDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: rjfrench

I did not post this with the intent of ruining anybody's dreams.. I posted this with the intent of telling people to think about what they're doing before they try to have a baby with someone who obviously isn't ready or willing to take on that responsibility. Several posts speak of women trying to get pregnant, but not wanting to tell their boyfriends that that is what they are doing. This is going to lead them to nothing but trouble. I love my children and wouldn't change a thing about having them- but I'm sorry that I was too young when they were born to give them all they deserve. I am in a very good relationship now with a very wonderful man who has accepted the full "package" including my daughter. In fact, as of tomorrow, she will also be his because he is adopting her. All I'm saying is having a baby to save a marriage or to try to trap your partner into staying with you is the wrong reason and if you are having a baby for the wrong reason you ARE NOT ready. Children are not pawns and they are not pets. The topic of this message board is "SHOULD WE GET PREGNANT?" and not  "TELL ME ITS OK TO HAVE A CHILD FOR THE WRONG REASON" so excuse me for answering that question for some of you. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck (although it sounds like you won't need luck since you're thinking ahead and planning so well) and I apologize if anyone misinterpreted what I said. My post was certainly not intended for everybody, but mostly the really young ones who appear to be wanting to get pregnant for the wrong reasons and rather than have one of them feel attacked by posting as a response I posted as a new message in hopes they would all see it.
Actually, now that I understand where you're coming from, I do agree with you.  Children should not be used as pawns.  They should not be used to keep or get a man and they should not be used to save a marriage.  Marriage is hard enough without bringing in a child and for the record, I've heard Dr. Phil say numerous times that it's hard enough just being a kid without putting that kind of pressure on a child.  It's not their job to do that.  If anyone reads what we both have written and they're in that situation, maybe we have just saved a child from being put in the middle of something they didn't deserve to be put into.  All those young women out there need to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with a man.  Men want a woman who is already put together not one that he has to fix up or be everything for.  There's no substitute for self-esteem and self-worth.  Women are not defined by the man they are with.  We define ourselves.  I truly wish that what you and now I are trying to tell these young women gets through to them.  They are important just by being themselves.  Did I hit the nail on the head for you in this post??  We can tag team anytime you want dear!!  Lorraine
 
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rjfrench
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June 2, 2006, 3:52 am PDT

Yes MA'AM

Quote From: banjo53

Actually, now that I understand where you're coming from, I do agree with you.  Children should not be used as pawns.  They should not be used to keep or get a man and they should not be used to save a marriage.  Marriage is hard enough without bringing in a child and for the record, I've heard Dr. Phil say numerous times that it's hard enough just being a kid without putting that kind of pressure on a child.  It's not their job to do that.  If anyone reads what we both have written and they're in that situation, maybe we have just saved a child from being put in the middle of something they didn't deserve to be put into.  All those young women out there need to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with a man.  Men want a woman who is already put together not one that he has to fix up or be everything for.  There's no substitute for self-esteem and self-worth.  Women are not defined by the man they are with.  We define ourselves.  I truly wish that what you and now I are trying to tell these young women gets through to them.  They are important just by being themselves.  Did I hit the nail on the head for you in this post??  We can tag team anytime you want dear!!  Lorraine
that is EXACTLY what I was trying to say!!!
 
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sexdolphin
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June 3, 2006, 11:03 am PDT

help me

why can't anyone ever reply to me?  Is it all ways about other people and never help me is there anyone out there that can help
 
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sexdolphin
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June 6, 2006, 2:42 pm PDT

you are right

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that is EXACTLY what I was trying to say!!!
you are very right.  My neice is now in the weried position my sister in law ex i beleive cheated on my brother and now is npw pregrant with another guys baby.   and he is know going to move in with the guy.  so my neice is going to be messed up.  i am so worried about her and i feel like my sister is making the wrong mistakes but how do you tell them that.  Why have babyes and then they have a job i am so confused
 
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rjfrench
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June 7, 2006, 6:18 am PDT

i understand..

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you are very right.  My neice is now in the weried position my sister in law ex i beleive cheated on my brother and now is npw pregrant with another guys baby.   and he is know going to move in with the guy.  so my neice is going to be messed up.  i am so worried about her and i feel like my sister is making the wrong mistakes but how do you tell them that.  Why have babyes and then they have a job i am so confused

I understand what you mean. All you can really do as this childs aunt, however, is provide a safe haven. Nothing you say to your sister in law or your brother or anyone else can change what's already been done and if they want to work this out, they're better for it. Suggest counseling, but you can't make them get any... 

After this child is born, just do your best to always let him/her know that no matter what, they have an aunt that loves them. Don't get into details about their birth or the confusing mess surrounding it. Just smile and try to be the one person in their life they know they can turn to.  

  

Good Luck! 

Jennifer 
 
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