Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

Dear Dr.Phil, 

I am 38 yrs old and I do have two kids of my first marriage.  I have been taking Birth control pills for 5yrs.  My second hubby and I decided to have one more.  Do you think, I can conceive baby.  I am bit worry too.. 

With regards... 

My husband and I have his and my children from previous marriages. My children are 14 & 16 and live with us. His children are 11 & 13 and live out of state. My husband is 47 and I am almost 36. 

My husband has an ex-spouse that is very controlling w/regard to his children which interferes with his ability to have a true relationship w/his own children. Anytime we are able to visit w/his children; it has to be court enforced which causes his children that much more grief. He loves being their Dad, but the road blocks placed before him are sad and wrong. 

My children love my husband and are very close to him, but they have their dad that they try and maintain a relationship with. Their father does not provide them w/a secure relationship, but they love their dad. 

I have been w/my husband for over 5 years now. At age 31, I wanted to have a baby so badly w/him. We both are Catholic and had to go through a series of events in order to have our marriage recognized within out church. We are now married within our faith and neither of us know for sure what we want. I am now 35 and not quite sure. 

I am sometimes so afraid that I might be pregnant that I begin working myself into a panick not knowing who would help care for our child since I work as a realtor, asking myself if I will I have enough energy, and what will my teenanger children think of me, will they love him or her, what if I become a grandparent and I have a child in pre-school at the same time?....and then I find out I am not pregnant and I am so sad. Sometimes I can imagine being pregnant and then sometimes I feel like I am crazy. 

My husband is open to either way. He feels that is it a Blessing that I would even consider having a child with him, but he just doesn't want us to get consumed to the point of our life being affected by getting upset if it does or doesn't happen. My husband is very supportive. He gets concerned he says, only because of his age. He doesn't want his son or daughter to be affected in the way that he may not be able to share w/his child throwing a baseball or roller skating due to age; although he is very healthy and fit today. 

A few of my family members think that I am crazy as well. I'll probably be a grandmother inside of 10 years and I should enjoy my own life since I began so young. I have also been told that this world is just to ugly to bring an innocent baby into. Help me. 

I want my husband to have a vasectomy one minute which he is open to and the next minute- I don't want the door permanently closed. What do I do? I dream about getting the right answer and doing the right thing. 

I can sympathize with you and for you. I am 27 and my husband and I have 3 beautiful girls. After our last daughter was born (she is now 4 years old) I felt pressured to have a tubal. My mother expected it, my husband's mother expected as did many others. Seeing as how I have always tried to please everyone else I convinced myself that it was what I wanted too. In fact, she was not even 2 hours old when I was in surgery having my tubal.  

For the past 2 years I have deeply regretted this decision. It has gotten to the point that I cry when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby. The last 6 months have been the worst. Point in case, I took my 4 year old to the library for craft time and had to leave because I started bawling when a pregnant lady walked in followed by a lady with a new baby. I was so embarrassed and wanted to come home and crawl in bed.  I have dreams at night of having another child.  

I am a stay at home mom and love every minute of it. My husband is so against having another child. He is content with our 3 girls. We have analyzed it trying to find any underlying issues and it all boils down to not feeling complete. I have tried to find web sites that offer "support groups" and there are not any. I have tried find books about this issue and again there are not any. I even had the public library searching for me. Are there really that few of women who wants to go back in time and un-do a tubal??? 

I don't know exactly where to post this one, so I hope this is the correct one... 

For the last two years, my hubby and I have discussed/decided to have a baby. 

He is 37, has two children from a previous marriage, but due to the ex-wife and the distance, (1150 miles) he doesn't have a relationship with them.... I am 36 and don't have any, and REALLY would like to have a family of our own. 

Hubby made an appt with his urologist for coming April, and see if everything is OK, so he could go for a reversal; he had a vasectomy, 10 yrs ago. Now today, he dropped the "bomb" that he will cancel the appt. and that he decided that he doesn't want more children. He wants to enjoy life, go travel, etc etc. 

We have a great relationship together, we go workout together, have same interests, and really don't really argue about anything.... except now this. 

For certain things, we are in a different stage of our life. He actually hardly traveled, while I have seen half Europe, and made many trips here in the States/Mexico/Caribbean. His childhood sucked, not having siblings, and having a mother that has one priority: her husband, his dad.... still til this day no real relationship with them. It was just never about him.... 

So, now he wants to really start to enjoy life, and have the materialist things, while I have done all that, and would like to start a family.... this is where we are very different. 

He told me today, he was getting tired of this "back and forth" thing, over the past few months, and he needed to stay focused on his job, which was really hard.... I told him, that he is the one that is going back and forth, not me.... I know what I want... so he said, well, I made my decision, I do not want to have any more children... We just need to "move on" and enjoy life... Easier said then done... He is the one that made the decision, based on his needs and wants, so of course, he can easily say that we need to move on.... But what about me, I just need to "give in" and ignore my desire to have a family, and hobble along with his needs and wants about travel, bigger house, nicer car, etc.... 

I told him, that well, great that he made the decision for himself, and I will let him know, what my decision will be.... he asked what I meant with that.... I said, well, you made the decision that you don't want to have any more children, and I just have to say sure, I agree.... No, for 2 years now, we have talked and decided to have our own children, and just because today, you say no, no more, I just have to put my feelings to the side, and agree...  

He was a little shocked about it. He is like great, so now, I have to wonder for the next few months, if my wife will stay with me, because she might want to have children, and I don't.... well, that's not a good way of life..... 

What is he thinking... Just because he is ready to "move on" and concentrate on us only, and his work, that I am ready too, just like that... I don't think so.... 

I have no clue what to do next. Yes, we have a great relationship going on, and a great life together, but I am really afraid, that that will not be enough for me. I would love to have a family, and raise a child together... I am afraid that when I am 45, that I will regret not having children.... Yes, we will have less money to spend, but you get so much back.... 

Do I forget about my wish for having children, and just enjoy the two of us, for the rest of our lives.... and have all the materialistic things I want.... or do I pursue my dream of wanting a family.... with or without him.... 

I cant believe how similar our stories are!  My sister in law still hasn't had the baby - she is now a week over due and they are planning on inducing her on Monday.   

I understand how you mean its an "addiction"  I feel the same.  Its all I think about.  I have even gone so far as to plan out "if I get pregnant on this date, the baby will be due on this date"  My hubby says the same thing about money.  I think we do OK.  I mean were not swimming in it, but we have a roof over our heads which will be ours in about 22 years!, we have food on the table and the kids NEVER go with out.  Their bedrooms look like a fisher price testing facility!  I love my kids with all my heart and I just cant see how another child could possibly be a bad thing.     

I tried to bribe my husband too, with the promise of sex 3 times a week and he could go to cricket every weekend with out me bitching about the cost / time away from the family.  

I cant explain why I want another child so badly, all I know is that is something that makes my heart ache - and it wont go away.  He just doesn't get it.  the only advice I could give you is keep telling him how important it is to you, thats what I'm doing, and hopefully one day he'll get it,