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Topic : 08/31 Son-in-Law vs. Mother-in-Law

Number of Replies: 690
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:01:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/15/06) They’re bound by marriage but at war with each other. Anneka and her husband, Michael, are no longer on speaking terms with Anneka’s mother, Marcia. They say Marcia hates Michael and wants him out of the picture. Marcia says Michael condescends to her, questions her parenting and is brainwashing her daughter. Is it right that Anneka and Michael refuse to let Marcia see her grandchild? Will the couple agree to give Marcia access? Plus, Anneka has a dark secret from her past. Could a terrifying incident be the cause of their current conflict? Will this family agree to find a middle ground for the sake of the baby? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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May 13, 2006, 3:13 pm CDT

WOW i feel like your talking about my family

hello...i have really been struggling for about a year (actually 38 years) with the fact that my mother is a control FREAK....and very Manipulative.... i can't even take time to tell of all the crappy things that have transpired over the last 12 months.   But, it has involved my children ages 7,9 &11...even though my husband and I have been gravely affected and pulled several ways...I have chosen to allow my mother to see our children..many time against his will..but, as recently as today there was yet another explosion between the three of us because my mother does not have any respect for my husband or I...she has gone as far as to accuse us of drug use...."heroin, free basing, cocaine etc...." she has told our children her grandchildren that we are horrible parents....and on several occasions discussed them coming to live with her...not only with the kids but with my father-in-law with whom we live.....as of today I have had enough....i love my husband....our children and we are the family...her influence can no longer affect us....we provide for them... we shelter,feed,cloth,bath...etc" I point blank told her she will never see these children again!!!!!!!!!!!!...And of course her reply was "I have already retained an attorney." And as far as i am concerned she will have to prove us unfit.....I strongly feel that it would be easier to prove her mental. BUT, my children are devastated on both ends....they don't understand why she says these things.....and why we have decided to keep them from her they say they get it but, my 11 year old is confused.....this really concerns me...but i am no way going to jeopardize him with her irrational behavior. Any rational thoughts. I really want to keep her out of my life.....  

and another note she taught me everything(almost) i know so why is she questioning, trying to control and change everything? HELP 

 
May 13, 2006, 4:08 pm CDT

Been there am doing that!

Quote From: glorybee

 Rather than be concerned about  having to worry about meals on wheels spending the holidays with you, why don't you put the effort into trying to find new interests and hobbies? Rekindle old friendships, go away with your husband or if you are single, find a friend and go away to a resort on the holidays if you are going to be alone. Don't put the responsibility of your happiness on whether your children wish to spend the holidays with you or not.  Trust me, your family will chose to spend time with you more often, if they do not feel pressured or guilted into it.  Wouldn't it be better to have someone spend the time with you because they really want to, not have to?    
Just call me the volunteer queen. Just returned from deployment with the Red Cross to a disaster. Not the first and will not be the last. I am busy, busy, busy with more thatn one activity and I love to garden and live withing 10 miles of a world famous little town with big entertainment and have had two page spreads in the weekly paper of my photos;   but you know on Holiday's you don't go to club meetings. I love children and the idea of family is really important to me. I like to just stand back and watch the kids having fun together. Please don't assume. That is just a repeat of Dr. Phil's Show advice.
 
May 13, 2006, 4:44 pm CDT

SON

I THNKE THAT THE SON SHOUD STSY WITH HIS MATHER   

OR YOU CON ASK HEM WHAT HE WANT   

 
May 13, 2006, 5:11 pm CDT

mom-in-law has rights, also

I think that if Marcia is doing nothing to harm the child emotionally, mentally or physically, she should be able to visit with her grandchild.  Just because Anneka and Michael have issues with Marcia doesn't mean the grandchild should.  I think this kind of behavior is manipulative and teaches the child negative behaviors.  If pictures paint a thousand words, then Michael looks angry and controlling to me and Anneka looks like an abused puppy.  Her "dark secret" from the past, of course, needs to be addressed and, perhaps, with counseling, she can resolve this issue, heal and move on.  I am wondering if unresolved issues have led her to her relationship Michael.  Regardless of past or present issues (that may or may not involve Marcia), Marcia remains Anneka's mother and a grandparent to Anneka's and Michael's child.  I think that there are more underlying issues than what "meets the eye" -- with all three "adults".  
 
May 13, 2006, 6:26 pm CDT

05/15 Son-in-Law vs. Mother-in-Law

Those fights are just so common and sad at the same time, and, if we look for a starter we won't find any good reason about the animosity between the couple and the mother-in-law. My mother -in law doesn't like me but I've never known the real reason for that, and she never said why she doesn't. I just know that from my husband and the fights they get into because of me. But I will never stop my daughter from seeing her. The children don't have to get involved in those "stupidities", unless it affects them directly. For exemple if my mother-in- law starts saying stuff to me in front of my daughter, this time I won't let my daughter go visit her grandmothert. 
 
May 13, 2006, 6:38 pm CDT

Boundaries

They need to read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.  They need to learn what's proper and what's not. 
 
May 13, 2006, 6:48 pm CDT

Does she realize what she has done

Quote From: mommaxine

My husband gets along with my parents just fine but we have the opposite problem.  My mother-in-law was created in hell!  Sixteen years ago she told me off.  I spent  the next five years alone on holidays, telling my husband to take the children to his parents.  I would never keep them from developing a close relationship.  I reminded him of their birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day , Father's Day, and Christmas and even bought the presents.  I soon apologized (for what I don't even know to this day).  We began to get close and then last year my daughter went to her home and out of the blue she cornered her and began to tell her how much she hated all of us (except her son).   She made up horrible things that my son supposedly said and more.  I actually managed to prove to my husband what came out of her mouth was lies.  There was no reason for this except she wanted totally controll of our family.  This time, since my children were now adults, I let them choose if they wanted to continue a relationship with either grandparent.  They all (3 of them) declined and want nothing to do with them.  Even if they apologize, they know the true feelings of this woman her husband (he yelled too).  They sent back Christmas cards with money to them.  They had sent them and my husband checks and cards.  Not me of course.  I never defended my children to her or myself.  I have never spoken to her since, trying to take the high road.  I am not even allowed to say their names, because it causes my 23 year old daughter to cry.  I just don't know how to deal with such a destructive personality.

By being mean to you and putting you down she has only alienated her grandchildren and son.  Good for you for taking the high road. 

 
May 13, 2006, 7:31 pm CDT

I've seen 2 sides of this..,

   I used to have a MIL that did this and just by the commercial on the upcoming show I can tell this MIL is the same way. A "But-in-ski" who is a control freak and needs to back off. I don't get where some of these Grandma's come off in thinking they can run everbody elses show and make their words law. And I had a Grandmother just like that who not only corrupted my love for my Mother, but went as far as giving me my first exposure on what is termed now as "Religious Abuse" that still effects me to this day.  

   On the other hand, I now have an ex-MIL that could do some interfearence on her own mentally ill daughter. So thus, when their advice, support, and only words they can say are needed, they chose to go into denial and hate to belive or look at the facts that their adult child needs help and that I think is ashame. For I have a good understanding of minding your own business and not enabling one to hurt or be a doormat of, but there is a lot of in-laws who don't know what boundaries are and have no respect for their grown children or their choices. I believe this women is one of them by just that short take of her.  

 
May 13, 2006, 7:41 pm CDT

My mother doesn't know she is a mother in law

I am too afraid to tell her.  On May 1 I married my boyfriend of four years, but I am afraid to tell my mom, in fact, I haven't told anyone in my family...even my two children.  My mom is a lot of fun, but she has no unpublished thought.  Mom tells me exactly how she feels about me and my boyfriend.  She even tried to start a religious arguement with him - one day - while I was sick. 
 
May 13, 2006, 7:49 pm CDT

There is a side to everything.

Quote From: lovekatz

I think that if Marcia is doing nothing to harm the child emotionally, mentally or physically, she should be able to visit with her grandchild.  Just because Anneka and Michael have issues with Marcia doesn't mean the grandchild should.  I think this kind of behavior is manipulative and teaches the child negative behaviors.  If pictures paint a thousand words, then Michael looks angry and controlling to me and Anneka looks like an abused puppy.  Her "dark secret" from the past, of course, needs to be addressed and, perhaps, with counseling, she can resolve this issue, heal and move on.  I am wondering if unresolved issues have led her to her relationship Michael.  Regardless of past or present issues (that may or may not involve Marcia), Marcia remains Anneka's mother and a grandparent to Anneka's and Michael's child.  I think that there are more underlying issues than what "meets the eye" -- with all three "adults".  
There is always a good thing in any problem. Deal with it.
 
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