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Topic : 08/31 Son-in-Law vs. Mother-in-Law

Number of Replies: 690
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:01:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/15/06) They’re bound by marriage but at war with each other. Anneka and her husband, Michael, are no longer on speaking terms with Anneka’s mother, Marcia. They say Marcia hates Michael and wants him out of the picture. Marcia says Michael condescends to her, questions her parenting and is brainwashing her daughter. Is it right that Anneka and Michael refuse to let Marcia see her grandchild? Will the couple agree to give Marcia access? Plus, Anneka has a dark secret from her past. Could a terrifying incident be the cause of their current conflict? Will this family agree to find a middle ground for the sake of the baby? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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May 13, 2006, 8:34 pm CDT

Toxic Daughter in Law

Believe it or not, there are times when it is NOT the mother in laws fault that the grandchild is not allowed to visit.  My grandaughter has special needs and cannot walk without the aid of a walker.  She is 6 years old.  My son, the father, began dating a young woman who I thought was very nice at first.  Before they had been dating for 6 months she had brainwashed him into thinking that he needs no one but her and her family.  Both my son and his first wife, the birth mother, were addicted to meth and we helped my son get clean and we raised our grandaughter during that time.  The birth mother didn't have a supportive family and she didn't get clean until recently after she had a second child.  The new wife is so insecure and evil that she has managed to brainwash him and now there isn't a SINGLE family member on either side that is allowed to visit my grandaughter.  She has even sent back gifts that the other grandmother has sent to my grandaughter before she ever married my son.  Things just got worse after the wedding.    My grandaughter recently had surgury on both of her legs but no family member is allowed to visit or talk to her.  The birth mother is now back in the picture, thank God,  and so now maybe there is hope.  She is in the process of getting her visitation rights so she and ALL of the family can see our sweet child again.  It is a heartbreaking story. 
 
May 13, 2006, 9:58 pm CDT

tell mom you`re married

Quote From: clubohara

I am too afraid to tell her.  On May 1 I married my boyfriend of four years, but I am afraid to tell my mom, in fact, I haven't told anyone in my family...even my two children.  My mom is a lot of fun, but she has no unpublished thought.  Mom tells me exactly how she feels about me and my boyfriend.  She even tried to start a religious arguement with him - one day - while I was sick. 
Don`t take this the wrong way, but if you`re not mature enough to tell your mom you`re married, you`re probably not mature enough to be married. If your mother can`t accept your decisions and try to be supportive, maybe mom doesn`t need to be in your life.
 
May 13, 2006, 11:46 pm CDT

I knew it!

Mike and his wife used to go to the same dog park as I did in California.  They had a very friendly and smart lab.  They made such a cute couple and were ALWAYS together at the park with their dog.  I used to think he was a  know it all.  I guess from the previews he is "controlling" not a shocker! She was always very quite and sweet.  Last time I saw them she was pregnant and they were moving to Colorado. The show has not aired yet, I can't wait to watch and see what the fuss is all about!  I do wish them the best of luck no matter their situation. 
 
May 14, 2006, 1:57 am CDT

Reply Son in Law v. Mother in Law

  

Dear Anneka, 

 

Too often, many couples similar to yourself often encounter indifferences of opinions and views that are contrary to either with the Mother in Law, Father in Law or Extended Relatives. 

 

The fact that you probably encountered from the very beginning of your relationship possible conflicts and indifferences of opinions that were conceivable between your husband Michael and your mother Marcia, ideally, should have been addressed between you and your husband firstly. 

  

I find it difficult to believe that Marcia would hate (strong word) Michael who is the husband to her own daughter.  You'd think that your daughter's happiness is important to not compromise it by hating the man that she has married.   

 

The question is:   

 

Is it justifiable for Anneka and Michael to deny Marcia access to see her grandchild because she and Michael are at war?  

 

This is a question that Anneka and Michael can answer for themselves. 

 

My honest opinion is that adults should learn to sort out their own issues and not drag children as a justifiable reason for their trivial disputes or pathetic wars. 

 

Children should never be a reason or an excuse for parents and in laws' disputes among themselves or a reason for the cause of their indifferences of beliefs and opinions. 

 

Frankly, Marcia has no choice but to accept that Michael is going to be her daughter's husband till death do us part.  Marcia can't force Anneka to take Michael out of the picture unless there is justifiable reason for her to do so. 

 

Michael should also learn a few manners and not try to come between Anneka and Marcia. 

Mothers are always going to give advices to their daughters even throughout their marriages. 

Marcia should also perhaps learn to not interfere into her daughter and husband's affairs too much.  There is always a fine line between guidance and being an overly domineering Mother in law or Father in law. 

 

Sometimes, daughters and sons must learn through the hard path regarding their relationships with their husbands and wifes. 

 

The fact that Anneka has a secret from her past, should not be a reason for her to allow her husband to control her and decide when and where Marcia can see her Grandchild.   

 

Everyone have secrets or skeletons in their closets, which, unfortunately, cannot be erased, because they happened.  We can only learn from them and move on. 

 

All the best for Anneka and Michael as well as Marcia.  

 

I truly think that the issue in this case is very simple as well as the resolution to resolve it.   

 

The adults have decided to worsen the conflict between the Son in law and the Mother in Law by adding fuel to the fire and escalating the matter, rather than finding common ground to mediate and communicate together as a family. 

 

Family conference or marriage counselling might help power struggles and miscommunications in this marriage. 

 

Couples in relationships should really learn to not divulge what their Father in laws or Mother in laws say about their partners or marriages.  Too often what is said innocently could be taken out of context and misinterpreted. 

 

This is all I have to add to this matter. 

 

Peace Out. 

 

ET 

 

 
May 14, 2006, 4:52 am CDT

MIL's with no regard for truth or integrity

Quote From: kaykwilts

By being mean to you and putting you down she has only alienated her grandchildren and son.  Good for you for taking the high road. 

Ok, so she isn't my MIL (yet).  My signifigant other's mother testified against her in a permenency hearing, resulting in her 4 grandchildren being taken away from their mother and split apart in separate foster homes across the state.  What sickens me most isn't that she'd testify against her own daughter, but that the allegations she made were completely trumped and false.  I'm apparently just another loser who her daughter has introduced into the kid's life. To think she could use such vindictive measures to exact revenge on her daughter, knowing that these 4 remarkable young lives can no longer connect with their mother or as siblings outside of (2) one hour monitored visits per week.  Sometimes a MIL's mindless grudge over a toxic relationship with her daughter unwittingly causes great harm to her Grandchildren.   I'm disgusted with her for her intentional harm to her grandchildren.  Our appeal to the state is ongoing, but appears hopeless for the most part, as the damage has been done.
 
May 14, 2006, 6:31 am CDT

In laws Vs Duaghter in law

So much of this sounds sooo fimilar.  My In-laws HATE my sister in law.  I could go on and on about the things my SIL has done. She even hates her own children and his (TG-they dont have any together!) but still he stays with her.  We havent had a normal family Christmas in 3 years.  My In laws would love to see their son on holidays or any other time as long as its only him and His kids. Not hers and HERS.  His family is SO MESSED up and he cant even see it.   Her kids are screwed up too. Her youngest is eleven years old and in the THIRD GRADE. Im not even sure she passed this year.  Her oldest is 15 and it wouldnt surprise me if she ended up pregnant before the years out.   His oldest daughter tried to Commit suicide last year.   We cant understand why he even stays with my SIL when all they ever do it fight.  My best guess is that my BIL doesnt want to admit that his parents are right about her.  He could do soooooo much better and he cant even see it.
 
May 14, 2006, 7:04 am CDT

Butt Out!

Quote From: lovekatz

I think that if Marcia is doing nothing to harm the child emotionally, mentally or physically, she should be able to visit with her grandchild.  Just because Anneka and Michael have issues with Marcia doesn't mean the grandchild should.  I think this kind of behavior is manipulative and teaches the child negative behaviors.  If pictures paint a thousand words, then Michael looks angry and controlling to me and Anneka looks like an abused puppy.  Her "dark secret" from the past, of course, needs to be addressed and, perhaps, with counseling, she can resolve this issue, heal and move on.  I am wondering if unresolved issues have led her to her relationship Michael.  Regardless of past or present issues (that may or may not involve Marcia), Marcia remains Anneka's mother and a grandparent to Anneka's and Michael's child.  I think that there are more underlying issues than what "meets the eye" -- with all three "adults".  
You sound just like my MIL! You have no rights to the child. The parents get to make those decisions. Mind your own business and stay out of the lives you are not wanted in!
 
May 14, 2006, 7:05 am CDT

Goin through it now

My MIL takes the cake.   She likes to act like she is so perfect .  We have been on the outs for 2+ years of my 3 year relationship with my hubby.  Things started out great, but then behind my back she had a lot to say about me.  She has no integrity so everything is done behind your back, she never once told me that she had a problem with me.  She told everyone else.  she was constantly refusing to spend time with the kids, even on mothers day last year in spite of the several calls to us saying she was stopping in, couldn't be bothered. Her grandson ripped up the present he made her.   She talks to and supports their birth mother who decided that drugs partying and playing the victim were more important than mothering the 3 boys she gave birth to (the youngest boy has aspergers syndrom and fetal alcohol syndrome).   Last year when I confronted her other son about the lies they were telling in the family , things really blew up.  Although she claims she is so christian, she wouldn't know how to tell the truth if her life depended on it.   She of course denied the accusations.    she was telling people that she wouldn't be at her grandchildrens birthdays if my hubby and i were still together etc.  she didn't show up.   One afternoon when I was having a bbbq, she showed up at my house with her husband. lmy 2 bil (1 was at my house) started getting verbal.  I asked the one to leave.  Well then she came storming out of her truck, I asked her to leave.  she came up to me and verbally assualted me, then slapped me in the face.   The police wouldn't charge her because she lied to them and said I hit her first.  Well, I never put my hands on the woman, so I pursued private charges.  Well according to her she is the vicitim.  She told my stepsons all sorts of nasty things about me etc.  The children were recently snuck off to see her by her sister (whom we no longer trust).  The children had to listen to all sorts of empty promises.  Thier grandmother makes all sorts of them on behalf of the deadbeat birth mother who hasn't bothered trying to see these boys in 2 years.  She has never mailed them a christmas present, card nothing.  But Mil claims she doesn't talk to her.   MIL lost her 3 sons to partying, choosing men first etc.  That is why she can so relate to their deadbeat birth mother.   So needless to say, I beleive that toxic MIL's should be kept out of the picture if they can't show respect and not play head games with the children.
 
May 14, 2006, 7:14 am CDT

in laws

with my parents and grandparents it was UNDERSTOOD that if one wished to vist a call first to check  to see if once come over was appreciated, that advice was not proffered unless ASKED for, all problems were worked out rationally and away from the heat of the moment.

not to say it wasn't perfect but we DID try to respect boundaries that were set. it also helped that all four of my grandparents had busy lifes with things OTHER than their kids to do (ie, church, social events/groups to attend, hobbies, friends) so it's not like they were hovering over my parents 24/7.

but it seems like that in some cases the adult children don't set enough bouandries w/ parents and enforce it. that would solve a lOT of problems
 
May 14, 2006, 8:21 am CDT

In the same boat

  I am anxious to see what Dr. Phil has to say about this one because I am almost in the same boat accept my husband and I don't have children.  My mother has hated my husband ever since he told her he was going to marry me.  We have been married for almost two years now and it has been a long hard road.  My life has not been the easiest one.  My childhood was filled with death, abuse and hardship.  When I was 13 I started taking care of my brothers full time and trying to keep up on school work.  I dropped out of High School when I was 16 so that I could take care of my brothers better.  When I was 17 I got my GED and it was a really hard thing to do.  In 2002 I got a job where my mom worked and we worked different shifts.  When I got home from work at 11:00 at night I would have to feed the kids, give them a bath, make sure they had their homework done and put them to bed.  Due to my abuse as a child I suffer from anxiety and depression.  In August of 2004 I ultimately lost my job due to attendence problems from depression and car accidents.  In July of 2004 I met my husband at a church group and one month, to the day, later, we married at a lake with just our family there.  Half of the family didn't want to be there and even in our wedding pictures you can tell that my mother hates my husband.  Shortly after we moved into our first home I discovered that we had a problem.  Someone was using my name and Social Security number to turn on utilities and cable phone and internet.  I confronted my mother about it and she denied it all the way and still denies it.  A couple of months after we moved into our first home we moved out of it because it got broken into and shot at.  We moved in with my mother and her new husband for what was supposed to be a short time and I started getting bills at the house that I had never turned on.  By the time it is all settled I have no idea how much debt that she has gotten me into.  It just goes to show that money is the root of all evil. 

 
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