Topic : 08/31 Son-in-Law vs. Mother-in-Law

I see a mother-in-law who is very controlling and someone has to stop her in her tracks.There very well has to be a reason for this behavior and Dr. Phil should dig deep to find out why.She has no respect for her daughter let alone her son-in-law.We need some tough love here.Annika shouldn't  

deny her rights to her granddaughter.Give  mom some leeway but pull back if you have too.Mom  

and daughter need to establish a relationship with boundaries.Read"The five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom...............good luck  

   

I just signed up today too to respond to this.  A husband and wife are a team and should be treated as such.  Respect is something a lot of people lack and are more interested the well being of themselves instead of thinking of others.  Anneka's mother feels her daughter should forgive her cause this happened many years ago.  Well, Anneka will NEVER forgive her mother.  Nor does she need to.  It is her life and she can do as she pleases.

I agree with you. This mother is soooooo toxic and way off base that I logged on for the first time ever. I didn't want Anneka and Michael to feel "too" responsible for the ridiculous: what is it, you can't find sense in nonsense! The mother isn't responsible enough and this loving couple can't make up for this mother's brokenness. I know I wouldn't sleep and my spirit wouldn't rest until I voiced my opinion. Anneka and Michael, you're on the right track, cling to health, reason, and don't question your faculties. If you wouldn't accept that behavior from a stranger, you shouldn't take it from family. Protect yourselves.

Well,  I come from a family where my mother was hard to deal with at times, but I learned to live with her and keep her in my childrens lives because I feel grandparents, with all their faults, have something to offer to children.  Now I find myself hard to deal with at times, and knowing that now I am a grandma who wants to see her grandchildren,  a grandma who doesn't want to make the mistakes the way my mother made mistakes, a grandma who is willing to admit I'm not perfect. I am trying hard to not be the pain or cause the pains to my children that my mom caused to me, but I'm sure I still do at times.  I am grateful that my kids are willing to forgive me for my short comings and let me see my grandchildren.  I think that with some counceling, the light bulb might come on and this grandma might be able to see herself for what she is and be willing to change.  I think this daughter might see herself for what she is and might be willing to change as well, because it is never one sided.  We all need to work toward understanding.  None of us are perfect.  I don't think the answer is ever.....keep the child away from the grandparents.  I think that is what Dr. Phil was trying to get them to understand.  The child needs an extended family. 

I understand that Anneka has had some extreme circumstances in her past, but in all honesty, we have all had explosive situations with our parents. I do think you  have to get to the point where you can accept that your parents are far from perfect and move beyond the mistakes they have made in your life. I would never call my mother out on national television, and I would never bargain with my child's happiness to get a "one-up" on my mother. Refusing to allow visitation with a grandchild is not an appropriate way to punish your mom for problems in that relationship. I think Anneka is very immature and just as argumentative as her mother. Neither of them want to truly repair the relationship; they simply want to argue and rehash the past in an effort to be right. Anneka, go be happy with your loving husband and hope your daughter never causes you the pain you have caused your mother.

That Mother-in-Law was doing nothing but agreeing with Dr.Phil to get the sympathy vote to swing her way. She came across to me as nothing but a narcissistic trouble maker. Boy was she trying to spin everything her way. This woman will do anything she very well wants to do with no regard of anyone's feelings. This was very evident with the way she handled the situation when her daughter was raped by a family member. 

As far as when the baby was born.........yep,his feelings were hurt and I don't blame him for feeling that way. This was a big day in his life and didn't want to miss any part of it. I can completely understand that he wanted to get a phone call first. After all it is his child. 

I think the married couple did a great job of supporting each other and came across as a good team. 

I think sometimes people that have great in-laws or maybe don't have really horrible ones just can't understand how it feels.  I have in-laws (this includes my father-in-law and sister-in-laws) that my husband and I choose to not have a relationship with.  They do not know our address or phone number.  If they need to get a hold of us, they call my husband at his place of work.  My husband and I have a 4 year old.  I realize that there are people out there that think that by not allowing a relationship between them and my son, that it's horrible and selfish.  I could write a novel on the reasons why we choose this path in life, but I do not have the time to do so.  We refuse to let people that constantly make poor decisions for their lives (they have the mantality of teenagers) and can not be trusted, influence our child's life.  Unfortunately you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  We've tried time and again to have a relationship with them.  They've always found some way or another to ruin things.   I think that unless you've been in a relationship like this, you can't put us down and make us out to be the big bad people.   If my son is not better off, and we are not better off without these people in our lives, then my husband and I will take full blame.  We need to do what we feel is the best for our family (my husband, me and our son).  Since we have been our of their lives, my teenage SIL has had a baby and has another on the way.  They have other grandchildren.  In fact, it wouldn't surprise my husband or I if the in-laws put her up to having these babies.  After all, they let her boyfriend move in and shortly after, she was pregnant with baby # 1.  They have another SIL convinced that she's retarded .  My 3rd SIL got married, last year, at 20 to her boyfriend that's 7 years older than her (whom she started dating at age 16).  If you could hear the way he speaks to her and treats her (he sounds like an abuser) .  I suppose none of this is none of our business, but we feel that if the in-laws don't even care enough about their 4 children to teach them right, then what will they try with our child.  I came from a homelife with  more class than this.  I don't teach my children to get hand outs in life so that they don't have to get real jobs.  My husband is the black sheep of his family.  He is disgusted by them and their lives choices.  He cares too much about them and that's why he chooses to stay away from them.  He has been pulled into their web of manipulations too many times.  We have no regrets.  It's been about 2 years since we've last spent any real time with them.  My husband gets a phone call, at work,  once a month or so.  His dad usually tells him the usual sob stories about why we should feel sorry for them.  My husband has never once been able to go to his father for anything because my FIL plays the role of the son and goes to my husband about everything.  I could go on and on, but I've said what I came on here to say.  I hope that some of you can understand how it feels to be in such a toxic relationship and why sometimes you just have to let go.

Once your children go out in the world and decide they want to be adults, it's not our jobs as moms to question them. Let them make their own mistakes, let them raise their kids (as long as they're not abusive) even if you don't agree with them. I am a mother-in-law to my two sons-in-law. I do not interfere with my children's lives. One daughter became a born again, right wing evangelical Christian and is raising her four children that way. I'm not that religiously strict, but I respect her choice to raise her children and participate in hand holding grace even in public, although it makes me uncomfortable. These are her children, not mine.    

   

I also do not give advice unless I'm asked for it. I don't feel that it's my job to interfere or offer advice. And if my daughters do ask for advice, I'm most likely to answer with a question; "What do you think should happen?" and let them figure it out for themselves.   

   

Besides our two bio daughters, we also have an adopted 22 year old son with full blown Fetal Alcohol Syndrome from his birth mother's drug and alcohol use and an adopted 17 year old son who has learning disabilities after he was abandoned in a Porta-Potty at birth.    

   

Parenting isn't easy. But once your children leave the nest, so to speak, respect them, respect their choices unless they're abusive, and trust them that you've done a good job and raised them well so that they can make good choices and do well themselves. Back off, sit back and watch and encourage. Love your grandbabies, listen to how your children want their children treated and respect their choices even if it isn't something you would do. They're the parents, not you. Your job is to love unconditionally and only get involved if one of your children or grandchildren is being abused. Let your kids forge their lives and sit back and enjoy the experience.   

   

A Grandmother of 7 in Colorado   

   

It sounds to me like she is trying to be a Grandmother. I doubt it has anything to do with a stillborn thirty years ago. Try being nice to her. Take her out to lunch just the two of you. Build a good relationship with her. After that starts you can nicely tell her that you would appreciate it if she would let you set the rules with your child. After all she did something right you fell in love with the child she raised.