Topic : 09/05 The Divorce Experiment

Sorry, in an effort to be not as harsh my sarcasm failed.

I was being sarcastic. I am trying to understand Fluffy and Donna's points of view.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years.  This year, I decided to leave him or marry him.  I decided to leave him because I figured there were plenty of nice guys out there.  Well, the first guy I dated was such a jerk that I didn't know how good I had it...it was a wake up call to me and now I don't take my boyfriend for granted.  I give him the deserved respect and wont again take him for granted.  Now, we are going to get married.  I feel lucky that he put up with me for so long without complaint.  He is a definate gem...nice, romantic, considerate, dependable, and a hard worker.

He gets PAID for his job... reward for services rendered... How long do you think he'd work for no reward? What kind of reward does she get? Room and board don't take 60+ hours a week of work to pay for them. He is her leader... not boss... and all good leaders lead by example and encouragement, not ridicule.

I suspect Greg was an abused child. He probably had one abusive/mean parent, and one passive parent who didn't protect him from his abuser. He also could have seen his mother being abused and grew to think this is how women are treated. It's one or the other. I also bet he was a bully as a child. Abuse is a choice. Greg had a choice when he grew up. He could treat others as he was treated, or he could decide to not repeat what was done to him. Greg choose to be abusive and mean. He is a very insecure person. He is much less secure than his wife, causing him to want to make sure she feels less than himself. Less than one percent of those that enter treatment to correct abusive behavior, succeed. These are pretty bad odds. And, after watching him interact with Dr. Phil, I bet on slim to done. Abusers never think they are wrong. If his wife would just listen, do as he says, he states he would be happy. No, he wouldn't. She could stand on her head and serve him the dinner of his choosing and he still would find something wrong. I can remember lying in bed, praying to God to make me a better wife so my ex husband would not be angry at me all the time. God new better than to grant that wish. I was already a good wife, what could he change? The only thing that can change is Greg's wife. She needs to think back and figure out why she was comfortable with this behavior for so long. We tend to stay in relationships that we are comfortable with the behavior. When the abuse went further than she was comfortable with, she then new it was wrong and now will seek help. Don't ask why she has stayed so long, as why he abused! Arlene Berta

I was being sarcastic...but wow...her "leader"??? No...LOL...how do you figure he is her "leader"?

If I was treated by a superior as Greg treats his wife, I would sue the company! No one, and I mean no one, has the right to abuse anyone like Greg does. Just because Greg works outside the home doesn't mean he is free of all responsibilities of the home. He still has to share the to do list! A relationship is respect and caring. If you love someone you are not abusive and mean to them. Greg is not in love with his wife, he justs needs a victim to get his anger out. If she left, he'd be crushed and scared, he couldn't stand to be alone, he doesn't like himself enough to be alone with himself. He'd be desperate to get her back and he'd be nice for a few weeks. Then, the circle of abuse would start again. The man is incapable of loving anyone but himself. She should leave him. She'd hurt for a while, but believe me, she'd be better off. She'd have all her children back under her roof, where they belong. The first commitment is to keep your children safe and yourself, so you can protect those children.

Amy, you deserve better than what you are living. You deserve respect and love. You children deserve to be safe. What are they being taught in your home? Abuse. They will grow up to think that this is how a man should treat a woman. They will be comfortable with the abuse they lived in your home. Is this really what you want to teach your children? I think not. You stay because of fear. Fear of finances, health insurance, no home, what family and friends will say, think.....it's all silly fears. You can make it. So many of us have and would give you all the emotional support you need. Please Amy, you deserve a better way of life. Look into your childhood and think about why you have been comfortable with Greg's treatment of you? Were you abused as a child? Did one of your parents abuse the other? There is a reason you have been comfortable with his behavior. Did you know that 90% of abused children are abused adults, victims of domestic violence. How sad is that percentage? Know you are not alone Amy. There are support groups that are soooo helpful. I know Dr. Phil will find you a great therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. Please, open up to them and be honest. Get it all out in the open. It will be such a release to recognize what attracted you to this person. Good luck Amy. You deserve respect and love. Arlene Berta A survivor of domestic violence more than once.

Sorry and thanks for pointing that out.  Have a good night.

I agree. My ex husband was charming, caring, loving, attentive, understanding, a real Prince Charming......until I said "I do". Once those words were uttered, the rules changed and so did he. This is the normal behavior of an abuser/controller. Once you marry, they think they own you. They no longer have to be nice, at least not in the home. They are all about appearances. To the world they will seem so charming, loving and caring. Behind closed doors, out of view of the public, they are Jekyl and Hyde....literally. Appearances are everything to them. They are very, very insecure people. It starts out as verbal abuse, goes to emotionally, and if you stay long enough, it becomes physical. Most people don't realize that name calling, put downs, pushing, shoving, not allowing you to sleep so they can agrue, blaming, forcing you to do things sexually that you don't agree with, isolating you from family and friends, it's all abusive behavior. I even stayed after he jumped on top of me one night, while I was asleep, and started to strangle me. Why? Well, he was angry because I had taken a stand about his son, I stood up for myself and was not going to be the family doormat any longer. This was a first for me and oh boy, he reacted. I learned it was best not to react to him if I wanted to be safe. After awhile though, he would get violent because he wanted me to react, he needed to argue. Sick. Why did I stay with him? I stayed out of fear and embarassment. I had no job, no money, no accounts in my name, would have no health insurance and had some health issues, afraid that at 57 I was no longer employable, I no longer had contact with any of my friends, embarassed to admit to my family that yet another man had abused me, and I had another failed marriage. There is life after abuse. A new beginning.

As a stay at home mom, I am available 24/7 for my children. I cook AND bake, no, I do not sew, but whoppy do! just because I do not sew, does not mean I am not a good mom, We eat healthy in my home, my children's favorite foods are carrot sticks and brocoli, I could mention more but won't, and dessert? who cars about dessert, yes, we have them on accasions, but definetly not at every meal, don't need it! And I am not a slave, I am the wife of my husband and his help mate, and I have a job, it is taking care ofmy family,being available for thema nd seeing that they are safe and happy ona daily basis and guess what, when my children are in school full time, if we decide to send them to school (as we are considering homeschooling) I STILL plan on being home, taking care of the home and being available for my children, I will do something that I can do at home, I am not entering the workforce as long as I have children in my home, I do not need society telling me what I need to do, because I know what I need to do and that is to be the wife to my husband and the mother to my children. Wives need to be their own person and follow their hearts desire and I thank God every day for the wonderful husband that He has provided for me for he respects me for who I am and NEVER degrades and puts me down and I NEVER put him down either, if husabnds and wives would treat each other with love and respect and honor thema s they are suppose to then there would be no need for some one like Dr. Phil to tell people what they are suppose to do and there would be no reason for divorce, I guarentee that if myhusband treated me like crap, I would be right there included in the divorce rate casue I am better then that and so is this woman on the show, and so what if she isn't perfect and serves hamburger for dinner, he could be with some one who sat on their butts all day and never lifted a finger, he could be coming home to an empty house for casue his wife has decided to go out with friends every night, or worse yet, he could come home and find that his wife has packed up and left, he is one lucky guy to be given the chance to learn how to love nad respect his wife. I might not be a Mrs Cleaver but I am proud to be who I am and it isn't changing any where soon, I do not need to get a job cause Ilove what I do and I get great rewards for it as well as my hubby! This woman deserves praise and attention for the good things that she does in the home, believe me, it can make a world of difference for their relationship and marriage