Topic : 09/05 The Divorce Experiment

I totally understand how you feel.  I was married to a man who abused me and I was afraid to speak up.  I knew others would tell me to leave him.  That was easy for them to say, they were not in the middle of it.  While growing up I never saw physical abuse and would fight with my brother with no problem.  What I later discovered was I did not like myself and felt he was the best I would ever be able to get.  The abuse did not start with him hitting me one day.  I would have walked out, I believe.  But, rather started with emotional abuse.  Each day got harder and harder.  He hit me before we were married, but I felt my parents had already spent too much on the wedding and reception for us to call it off.  I actually thought it would stop once we got through the first year, but it did not.  He hit me when I was pregnant and I still did not have the nerve to walk out.  We were military and when my daughter was three months old I had to go TDY for one week.  In my mind I knew I could not leave her, but I told myself she was with her father and he would not hurt her.  I told him to take her to her caregiver each day to have a break, but he wanted to play "daddy".  Within five days of leaving I got an emergency visit from my supervisor who told me I needed to take the first plane home.  I was told my daughter had choked on her bottle and was in the hospital.  I was not able to leave until the next day.  Once we landed he did not want to take me to the hospital, but to other friends houses.  I made him take me there where she was hooked up to a heart monitor and IVs.  The doctors and police told me she was brought to the hospital by him with bruises over 90% of her body, a subderal hematoma, and suffering from grand-mal seizures.  I was devistated to find out he had beat her each day I had been gone.  His excuse was she was "cying too much".  I knew he had done this, but was still afraid to tell the officers he had hit me.  If I would have he would have gotten 17 years in prison without parole.  That, though, was the end of the line for us.  She is now a 21 year old police officer who grew-up in the gifted and talented program.  She is one of the biggest blessings the Lord has ever given me.  My Ex-husband only recieved four years probation, but if I had to do it over again I would have told everything and prosecuted him harder.  It was only after we left that I was able to regain my self-esteem and do better for the both of us.  My reason for telling you all of this is to let you know you too can get out of this situation.  It is hard, but listen to all of the advice people are giving you.  They are right.  You deserve to be treated better.  I felt I took my vows forever.  I knew the Lord did not agree with divorce, but I really don't think the Lord wants his people to live being beaten and abused.  I will keep praying for you and your family.  You can always send me a message and we can keep in touch.  My email address is dwoodford2@satx.rr.com.   

In Christ's Love, 

Donna Woodford 

Self-esteem does not come from a partner, loving or otherwise. Self-esteem can only come from inside oneself.  When one is with a partner who is verbally and/or emotionally abusive that can certainly be destructive to a person's self-esteem, but if the victim had good self-esteem to begin with she (or he) wouldn't have put up with an abusive partner after it became clear the partner was abusive.   

If you love and respect yourself you won't allow anyone else to disrespect or mistreat that special, valuable, wonderful person you know yourself to be. If you believe you are "less than", not good enough or for some other reason deserve rotten treatment, you'll accept it until you reach a breaking point. (Dr. Phil always says that you teach people how to treat you. That is part of what I'm talking about here.) These beliefs about the self can be so ingrained that someone who has them may not even realize how strong or destructive they are.  Perhaps a parent or other authority figure planted the seed for them in early childhood.  

There are usually early warning signs that a potential mate is unsupportive or abusive.  Often, people expect that the person will change and improve with time and marriage. What time and marriage do is bring out the quirks, warts, and whatever dysfunctional upbringing people have and opens the door to unrestrained abuse from those who are abusive.  

I believe that poor self-esteem PRECEDES an abusive relationship, and is at the core of why victims become victims.  The abusive spouse simply pries open the crack and makes it a chasm. The crack had to be there to start with.    

I can tell you that no man will ever get away with being verbally/emotionally abusive toward me again.  After much self-analysis, I could finally see how I didn't respect and love myself and in turn didn't require men to respect and love me.  Marriage or no marriage, I guarantee you that I will walk away from any man who doesn't treat me as an equal, valuable, wonderful, true partner, or who doesn't recognize and appreciate the unique and wonderful woman that I truly am.  

-Hannah R.   

More power to you for doing this show. i was in such a marriage for 37 years! I worked, i paid bills, I took care of the kids and their needs, I took care of the bills that my spouse did not take care of to save face in society as I wanted us to be the all American family...I divorced after 37 years of marriage after many a roller coaster years of thinking that he finally understood what family was all about.    The only person that did not get it was me.  

If this program helps couples to get it right sooner than in 37 years, you are on the right track.  

I finished my Masters after my divorce, bought a Twin home, and am doing amazingly well on my own. Would love to have been married till death do us part, but it would have been my death to stay in the marriage.  I certainly have my moments, because I wanted to be married and a partner in life, work, family, sharing and caring. But it was so one sided. I was the enabler at my own expense and apparently that must have gotten me something, but to this day, I do not know what if got me!!!  

I do have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I have one child that understands and cares about me. I have another child that has a very difficult time with me.The child that I can talk to is the child that has the grandchildren of mine and the one that did not get as many material things and help in life. The one that I worried about, gave to for her education, her inability to make ends meet is the one that can not deal with me now in my single life.   

She is so much like her father in her thinking and then comes back at me for not being Christian enough, not treating everyone fairly and honestly.But I am to promise her that what ever she tells me that I will not tell her brother.I do not make promises that I can not keep. So could not promise that. She is also 40 and pregnant with her first child with a man she is living with.  They are both grade school principles in schools out in Ca. Almost forgot to tell you that he is black and that is not an issue, but the issue is that they moved into a wonderful, beautiful house that my daughter had the funds to put down to get them into the house and only because, I got a home equity loan on our house to help her buy her first house,(my spouse could not have done this because the refinancing on our house was only on my credit and not his) and her live-in person who is the father of her child, did not have any equity to put down on a house of his own at the age of 47. So this is not a black and white issue, it is an issue of personal responsibility.  

I have tried to make arrangement to go out there to help after the baby is born, and now she tells me that her father is coming out there in June and she is not sure if he will still be there in July, when I wanted to come out there to help her with the baby. We had words and so now we are not speaking anymore and this is all my issue for my stupidity. I must have not said the right thing at the right time.  

So great you are working on this issue and hopefully people will listen and learn a lot earlier than i did.  

I am still not totally well and healed from all of this, but on the road to recovery.  

Diane   

I also am at the end of my rope.  Yes, in the beginning while we were dating my husband put on his Dr. Jeckyl face and then after we were married showed his Mr. Hyde face.  But I think we all do.  I believe we all have issues that we hide in the beginning and then they start to surface and show once your married. He has OCD and ADD and I have Depression. I have gotten the help I need with my depression but although he was diagnosed with his problem he doesn't want to admit to it and get help. And our issues need to be dealt with to make the marriage work.  He actually helped me in changing alot of my issues but I helped him to continue in his issues. I allowed him to dominate me, make me feel inferior, make me feel he was always right  in all decisions and I was always wrong. But it took me hitting rock bottom and just being totally miserable when finally I said to him "get out and get help or get out". He exploded over that and it took a little help to get him out but he's out.  Now we're going through counceling and he's learning to deal with his issues as well as am still learning to deal with mine. It's not a perfect world and there's not a perfect person but we do have a "freedom of choice" that was given to us from the beginning of time. So it's up to each person to make their own choice to either do something to make things work, be miserable, or just leave. I also think it probably takes more energy to live miserably than it does to live happily. We still see each other and have been on a few dates. It's kind of like we're starting over fresh. He's tried to squirm his way back home but I said absolutely not, not until I am convinced you have gotten all the help needed so we can be happy ever after.  So, until then, I'm happy right where I am, and that's at peace. 

I know how she feels.  I have been married for 17 years and the last few years things have been like that.  If I ask him to help do something around the house, I get the "smirk" and the " it's not my job".  It really upsets me to think that he doesn't respect me anymore than that.   I have become very bitter in my life because of it.   I don't know how to feel any other way.  Last November I had enough and told him that I wanted a divorce.  He was very upset to think that I wanted to leave.  I told him how I felt about everything and he wanted to try and make things better.  I agreed with the understanding that if I thought things weren't going well I would leave.  Things were fine, but now it's back to the same old crap.  I don't understand why he is like this.  Men like this need to see what  it's like to have to do everything and not be appreciated for it.