Topic : 09/05 The Divorce Experiment

I  hear you!  My husband's first wife is still abusive even though it has been 8 years since he finally left (when she wouldn't allow him to go to his mother's funeral).  He stayed for 17 years because he didn't believe in divorce and he thought he was helping the children.  Unfortunately, the courts decided to "error on the side of the children" and gave them to their abusive and dishonest mother.  He isn't even allowed to send them a greeting card or she will retaliate in some manner (usually through her attorney using outrageous lies).  It is sickening. 

We were almost on Dr. Phil's show twice, but were bumped.  Once because she would not show up for the taping.  (We were very surprised that there was no retaliation for THAT one, as it was much bigger than just making a holiday phone call - which my husband has paid dearly for.)  I suppose the reason we don't see much of this on Dr. Phil is because the statistics show that it is primarily women who watch the show and it is women that are predominantly in situations of abuse.  However, the fact remains that it does occur to men.  "Real men".  A friend of mine had a son in a similar situation as yours and when he threatened to call the police because she also hit him, she said, "WHo are they going to believe?  Big ol' strong you?  Or itsy bitsy widdle me?"  YIKES! 

That's bad, but when children are involved they are always the losers with scars for the rest of their lives.  I do with Dr. Phil would step up and address the many ways that good men (and their children) are abused.   

You sound rather angry about the whole thing but that's not going to help the situation either. I agree that society has too long taught us not to respect the other gender. But how do we fix this? There is only one way I can think of and that is that we must teach our children respect. We teach our sons to respect women by haveing husbands who respect us. And we show them that this is a great thing by letting our husbands know how much we appreciate the love and respect they show us. We teach our daughters to respect men by respecting our husbands, showing them complete love and devotion despite flaws. 

I will admit that as a teenager I bought into societys ideas about how all men are jerks. Fortunatly I grew up and realized the truth. And now I am determind that my children will be taught respect for everyone, including themselves.  

So if you want to fix society don't get mad and frustrated, that won't help anything. Turn to your own family and think "What values do I want to impress upon my children?"  

Amy is a beautiful woman, and though it's difficult to be sure she seemed like a real sweetheart on the show.  There are MANY men out there that would treat her properly and maybe she needs to find one.. (and if she's looking, I'd like to know!) 

sometimes I think that a one person in the relationship needs a kick in the butt to realize what he/she has and what he/she is actually doing to that person. I thought Greg got a kick in the butt when he went on the Dr. Phil show when Dr. Phil had the great idea to send in the rescue teams to be other wives, which could show Greg about how he was acting and and what he really was missing. If Greg did not at least miss his wife a little bit during the week the Rescue team was there yelling at him then I really hope she gets out of that relationship fast!  

but the time line. a year or 2 or 3 if people are being "fake" as another poster said then you're just not going to see the real them no matter how long you date.  My husband and I only dated for 4 months and we just knew it really was "right" and got engaged.  we married 10 months later and I cannot tell you how often we look at each other and are thnking our lucky stars for having found each other when we did etc. etc.  That was 24 yrs. ago.  My parents knew each other for 1 yr when they got engaged and married the following year and celebrated 38 yrs. together until my father passed away.  My in-laws knew each other for 8 months, had an oppsie & back in their day that meant you got married & they've been together for 52 yrs. & like my husband & I are so grateful to God for putting the 2 of them on a path that they would meet.   

I'd dated men longer than I'd known my husband when we got engage and the things I KNEW where not right about them I just some how turned a blind eye to until I'd just had enough during dating or perhaps I'd just *woke up* you know?  When I look at the guy on yesterdays show I can see how several of the guys I'd dated could and would have been like this.  I think it takes a lot longer to see when a person is not right and we're just making excuses, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt or we're seeing only what we want.   

I think the real keys are that if you find yourself dating someone and they seem always *perfect* then they're putting on some kind of act.  We all know we're going to have differences in opinion and it's how that's handled that makes or breaks.  I mean there are some HUGE differences in my husband and me (religious, political etc.) but we both respect the other person for who they are and do not try to "change" them.  We really LIKE who the other one is.  And then I think a big key you'd pointed out is how their parents act and treat each other.  You can also hear it in how a man speaks to his mother and she him.  If one or the other is cutting with words chances are this will be how he speaks to you.  Of course some rules were made to be broken and that one can be too.  I don't think I've ever seen my father pick up a dish but my husband would clean the entire house if I asked.  Last but the biggest in my opinion is to talk, talk & talk some more with your man/woman about your thoughts, ideas, goals, expectations of roles, beliefs etc.  Just talk about it all and not because you want to "hash it out" but just because you're sharing those things with each other.   We're *still* talking about those things and frankly things change over time and so if you start talking/sharing at the start then you're real partners bouncing ideas off of each other.  I consider his opinion more important to me than *anyone* else & he'd probably tell you the same about me.  Personal growth does not just stop in your twenties some where.  And so it's important toknow how the 2 of you can handle that.  For example if there's a SAHM who decides she wants to take a few classes because the kids are in school & this is going to change her working status when she plans to return is your guy going to become insecure & unsupportive?  And if he's unsupportive and insecure is it because he's been given reason to feel that way?    The changes in lifes cannot ever be completely foreseen to be able to make a "plan" for all of them and so you need to see just how willing the other person is to compromise with you etc. etc.  If you see he's like the guy on TV with name calling, belittling etc. how could any growth come from having a person around you like that?  As partners in life we've always build each other up not torn each other down or introduce or re-enforce doubts.   

Anyway just my 2 cents and I wanted to say I did & do agree with your points.    

Frankly I resent the title of "working moms" as opposed to the "Stay at Home Moms".  It sounds as though the SAHM is just at home goofing off.