Topic : 09/05 The Divorce Experiment

I wonder how some of you would feel if your husband said he was going to quit his job so that he could spend more time with the children?  What if he came home and said, "I got fired today.  Sorry, but all that stuff I was supposed to do just didn't come easily to me so I just didn't try to do it.  I would have had to get organized and you know that's just not my thing.  Anyhoo, being with you and the kids is what really counts, right?" 

  

I know Greg had no business talking to Amy the way he did but I feel his frustration.  It's good that Dr. Phil gave him a taste of housework, but I agree with spchek that he was doing lots more than a typical day's work.  I also think he deserves credit for going along with the game and obeying the three ladies -- if he was as bad as some of you think he would have told them where to go or walked out.  

  

 All I wish is that Amy had been expected to take a good look at her part in all this and that Dr. Phil had told her it was time to, "Step up to the plate and demand more of herself." 

I have a few thoughts for the  husband,If you are not serious about changing your mind get out now. I was just like you, exactly, and the worst part is that I went to counseling to make my wife happy and maybe score some nookie points. That was the wrong attitude, I found much to my chagrin.  

The only thing that I accomplished by that whole ruse was to solidify my wifes resolve to leave.  

Back at the jackass ranch where my head was I was realizing that I would have to work alot harder  

to save my marriage than I was willing to work so I fell back on my trusty controlling behavior in an effort to reestablish my dominance and restore what I thought was natural order of things. The funniest thing happened though, my wife decided to stop being bullied. The threat of disobedience was looming large and I had to squash this rebellion aborning. I used more and heavier doses of every trick in the book including guilt,anger,fear,jealousy,and rage.All I managed to do was make things spin more and more out of my control. That is when I reached into the bag of tricks and pulled out the big bat, That's right I hit her. After that she left with the kids to go to some stupid childrearing class which I refused to go to because I already knew everything I needed to know.  

I figured that when she got home we would talk and everything would settle back into routine.HA!  

The cops knocked on my door and took me away to jail on Feb.2,2000. As of this writing I am finally  

Getting back to being a productive,energetic,normal person. Unlearning everything that i had held true and dear plus dealing with the root causes of all of my malformed ideas has been a real bitch.  

The mind is not easy to retrain and the recurrent guilt and embarrassment as you remember some of your baddest moments can be crippling at times. All this being said it will be a thousand times easier for you if you do all of this while you still have your wife there to apologise to. Mine would not talk to me for 3 years, not so much as a letter. I lost my best friend and then had to walk through hell. Don't make my mistake, take your lumps now while you have a support system.  

My husband I are going through this right now. He has a terrific job with a great salary and benefits, but he is seriously missing out on time with our boys. We are exploring other options. It may mean a smaller house, I may go back to teaching once the boys hit school age so we can have greater balance. I have no right to insist he stay in a lucrative job if he is unhappy.  

   

I went back and re watched the tape to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. At no point did Amy complain about cooking, cleaning, etc. She complained about the way Greg treated her and how he expected to be waited on. In all the video footage of their home, the only time there was a mess was AFTER  Amy had left for her adventure. The ladies showed up the next day, and that's when you see some clutter. Exactly what did you see that was so deficient? Why are you so unwilling to read Rebecca's posts? She was THERE, for heaven's sake!  

   

Amy was expected to take a good look at her part in this. Dr. Phil was pretty blunt in telling her that you train people how to treat you. She continued to serve him dinner on a tray even though he belittled her.  

   

I know some women who are truly MASTER HOMEMAKERS. A man like Greg could not be married to a woman like that. Women who are really on the ball in their homes are usually the Queens of their Castle and would NEVER put up with that treatment.  

I don't know how amaxing I am, but I do know what I am talking about when it comes family, at least I think I do, LOL. Coming from a broken and VERY disfunctional home life, I only want what is best for my family and I am doing everything I can to do that, life is good here in my home and to me, it really doesn't matter what others think of me and my parenting and wife styles. what I do works in my home and every one is well taken care of and happy and that to me is priceless...............Be your self and know that you are worthy of whatever you set your mind to, I think we all feel a little bit of low self esteem at times but I think our attitudes play a big part of how we deal with our situations.....................Hope you had fun swimming, my girls and I have basically just hung out in here in the house, playing dress up LOL. They decided to dessert me though and are doing their own thing, we had a good lunch together and every one is gonna have nice fresh bedding tonight, comforters and all and nice, freshly cleaned curtains, right along with a fresh smellin house, lemon scent. :)

If my husband had the choice? Yeah, he would stay home and be with our daughter. He hates that he's away from her 50, 60 and sometimes 70 hours a week. He hates it and he wishes he could be with her all the time.

But if I can do a good enough job at the house, enough to keep it neat and sanitary and spend lots of time with my daughter, how is that bad? MY JOB IS MY DAUGHTER! THAT IS MY JOB and if I sewed and cooked and all that bull so much that my daughter was neglected then I would be not doing "all that stuff I was supposed to do"....

Who said she or me or anyone else isn't trying? Are you seriously kinda slow, I mean that...are you? I'm not trying to be insulting here because you can't help it if you aren't very smart.

But you don't seem to understand that Amy DID do house work, she worked hard ALL DAY LONG and SO DO I. So I don't get where you are getting the idea that people aren't trying.

But I feel sorry for you. My priorities are my kid and her development. When she's 20 and starting her own life do you think she's going to remember the house work I didn't do so well or do you think she's going to remember her and I finding letters on signs outside or counting tulips in the yard or swimming in the baby pool?

I think she'll remember the other stuff....

Those are MY priorities and my husband not only supports me but agrees with me completely and wouldn't have it any other way Fluffy.

Again Fluffy, how is she NOT stepping up to the plate? You have someone right here in this thread telling you that their house is clean, someone who was THERE...

His frustration is uncalled for because his wife is doing the work, he just likes to demean her while she's doing it.

Seriously, why aren't you getting that part? This isn't about housework, the housework was being done...get that! GET THAT!

Fluffy, just answer this ONE QUESTION...

When did anyone, even her husband, say she wasn't doing the house work? When? When When When When???????

Again, thank you Jetta.

Me and Emma and Frank are all very happy in our home and with our life. Even if I'm not good at housework! LOL And that is the point.

I'm working on my attitude. Still have touches of that depression...every now and then and I get defensive and insulted when people call me a liar. My attitude hopefully will continue to improve.

I can smell your house from here btw! LOL! I love lemon scented stuff! I am actually going to go out and get some lemon scented spray now. I still have "wintery" smelling stuff...time to get some citrusy spring going here! lol

I'm not a feminist, and I disagree with your attitude. I believe the women's place is in the home but your suggestion that if a woman wants respect from her husband and HELP from him when he comes home that we are being lazy and not living up to our wifely duties. When I first started staying home my husband would get after me for not doing things good enough. He told me that doing the chores was how I earned my keep and that basically he was my boss and he should be allowed to inspect my work and say it was not up to snuff. I should mention that the reason I was home was because I was 2 month pregnant and so sick I could work anymore. We had many fights and finally found some middle ground. As I began feeling better I made an extra effort to get the house looking better (though there were still nights I was so sick I couldn't even think about food) and my husband learned to lighten up and appreciate my efforts. I asked him last night if he still felt the way he used to and he said he was very foolish then and has since learned differently. Not because I preached feminist stuff to him, but because he realized my value and his role better.  

So I have lots of respect for work done in the home, becaise I do it. Am I perfect at it? Well apparently not to your golden standards. I make homemade dinners everynight, but they're are not always ready exactly as my husband walks in the door because life happens. You got a screaming baby in one are while trying to cook and it has to be speedy. And you can't tell me that the whole time you have been a stay at home mom that EVERY meal was served right on time. I just would not believe it.  

So why not come on down from your high horse and join the rest of us SAHM who understand that we have a tough job. And just like every other job out there we're not as efficent some days as we would like to be.  

Now I have to go because my son is screaming and I have to figure out what to make for dinner, water the plants, straighten up, and find myself a low calorie snack. ;) 

Low cal snack? Do you drink green tea by chance? That stuff KILLS my appetite and has zero cals!

Ok...back to the topic at hand. lol

I have been there for 30 years this year.  The wheels fell off about 14 years ago.  About a year ago I told him I was out of here.  Since then he has gone for help but I think too little too late. My only fear is the kids maybe are suffering by me staying.  I only stay because I have two kids in university and one that will be there in 2 years.  I can't support them with their education if I don't stay.  My husband comes from a divorced family and his dad was a big verbal abuser.  I know that when my last is out so am I.  Since I told the kids about how awful it is to stay one is failing at university and didn't want to tell us because we had our own problems and the youngest has gone from 80% to failing 2 course (20%) maybe I should get out  even though financial we won't be in very good shape.  Maybe we could be a semi normal family with out him.  If they want to have a relationship with their dad it's up to them. I always figured if I had to do everyithing in the house and work full-time at least I had his income.  I really think that men should get into the 2000 century and realize that we all have to give 100% and get of their butts when they come in from work.