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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 13, 2006, 8:36 am CDT

Run while you can!

I was married to my husband for 17 years. Prior to our marriage I saw some of these things and thought they were because he loved me so much. WRONG! They continued and worsened after our marriage. I tell all the women that I meet in life to not ignore these signs. People don't change their basic makeup. You will live a life of hell and if lucky you will make it out alive. Don't put yourself through this. Most importantly, don't put your child through this. My kids would tell you to go now, while you can. 

Peace 

Susan 

 
May 13, 2006, 8:37 am CDT

One Screw Loose of a Full Load

OK,  this situation is quite straight forward to me.    

   

This lady, who had a child with this man, is also now being stalked by this man.  

   

The question that was not answered though was WHY?  

 
May 13, 2006, 8:43 am CDT

its past time to say good-bye

Dear Dr.Phil, 

  

This young woman needs to find the strength, love of self and parental duty to get up and leave this man. There are safe ways she can go about doing so  such as with police, a crisis response team or family and friends. I myself was in a very controlling, domineering and violent relationship many years ago, it was the father of my oldest daughter. He would make me feel so guilty for even thinking of leaving, he beat the tar out of me on more than one occasion and still I stayed, i felt if i left him that i would be abandoning him like everyone else in his life had done. I had to come to the realization that my safety had to be put before his needs. I had to learn to love myself and my unborn child before anyone or anything else and i did, with the help of many loved ones i found the strength to do right by myself and my child. 

  

If things are this bad now, it will only get worse. Someone like him doesn't think what he is doing is wrong, he thinks its his "right" to know her every move, breath and want. Love is not obsessive!!!! 

My mother said that as a young girl i would bring home wounded birds, mice, anything helpless and in need of taking care of..and i graduated to men as i grew older lol, how right she was!! This does not have to end in tragedy like so many other relationships do, like we see in the news on a daily basis. Please hun, find the strength to move on and find someone who will encourage you to grow as an individual apart and with him. Someone who will be a positive role model for your young child and someone you can always turn to. The person you marry should not only be your safe haven, he should be your best friend.  

wishing you the best. 

shannon. 

 
May 13, 2006, 8:43 am CDT

My Fiance is a stalker

Quote From: busymomma3

WOW! Have these women watched Dr. Phil before appearing on his show? What do they seriously think he is going to say?  If you are in a relationship that is that "explosive" and "dangerous" now why would you still for one be with that person and 2ndly why would you still plan on marrying him? It makes you want to either slap these women in the head and as Dr. Phil always says "What were you thinking?" you want to give Amber a big hug and pray for her. Pray that God gives her guidance and the peace that he will take care of her and her daughter. Get out now before something final happens like your death.
I agree with much of this message and I am praying to God for Amber.  She needs to leave and leave now.  As I put in a message I sent in, my sister stayed; her husband didn't kill her or the kids, he killed himself.  Please Amber, if you can't leave him for your own sake, leave for the sake of your child.  Praying for you and your child.  Praying also for the fiance.
 
May 13, 2006, 8:46 am CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Quote From: michelebr

To read about his possessiveness brought back terrible memories of such a relationship I was involved in.  No one knew the extent of the mental anguish.  It took a toll on me physically, and even though I escaped the relationship years ago, I still shudder when I think about it.  This young woman is in serious danger;  there has already been one act of violence and there will be more.  She needs a restraining order and he should already be in jail for slamming into her car.  The problem is his low self-esteem, and I hope she gets away before he kills her and the child.  This is frightening, and sad.
She needs to get away, if not for herself, for her poor 1 yr. old.
 
May 13, 2006, 8:47 am CDT

One Screw Loose of a Full Load

OK,  this situation is quite straight forward to me.     

   

This lady, who had a child with this man, is also now being stalked by this man.   

   

The question that was not answered though was WHY?   

   

Did the jealousy and posessiveness start while they were dating or after the baby was born?  If he revealed these characteristics why did she even bother accepting him to be her husband?  

   

This woman should not let this man intimidate her and she should take the proper actions to get as far away from him as she possibly can.  To end up marrying him would be like having One Screw Loose of a Full Load.  

   

 
May 13, 2006, 9:05 am CDT

What's the Question

There's no question here - end the relationship!  Don't be fooled into believing things will get better after the marriage - the opposite will be true.  As another concerned writer said, run, don't walk - as fast as you can.  This is truly a toxic relationship.
 
May 13, 2006, 9:07 am CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Quote From: lesliebakr

Only yesterday I listened to the description of  Narcissism and was shocked at how prevelant it is in our society.  So much of that information pertains to your fiance.  These are people who only see the world through their extremely narrow focus.  They are NOT happy people and absolutely no one can give them that happiness.  Yes, they can experience instant gratification and pleasure but beyond that they are incapable of understanding the wants and needs of anyone other than themselves.  Run, don't walk away from this mentally ill man.  He will destroy your spirit.  As a woman who knows how debilitating lust can be, limiting your common sense, I encourage you to think about the mental anguish that will be experienced by your child.  You can show the love you need to offer another to that child in lieu of a man/woman relationship for awhile.   Good luck to you Sweetie.  God put you in the hands of Dr. Phil.  You are already blessed. 

                                  Leslie from Seattle 

Dear Leslie 

I was married to a Narcissist, and it was a nightmare...24 years worth. This lady cannot let herself get in the deceptive web of this man! You are so right on your comment. 

I am going through hell, just trying to divorce him. 

Salina in Olympia 

 
May 13, 2006, 9:53 am CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

  

GET OUT NOW.  This is a classic case of an abusive relationship.  It will not change.  It will escalate.  

You and your family are in serious danger.  Cut off all communication, get a restraining order, ask the police to help.  Move away for a while.  Do not for-warn this sociopath that you are leaving the relationship or you may not survive long enough to leave.  

  

He will call, he will cry, he will beg, he will threaten............the only one of these to take to heart are the threats.  Eventually, after some time, if you are lucky, he will move on to the next victim.  If you are tempted by his crying, promises, etc to believe him,  the cycle will start all over again.  RUN,RUN,RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.   

 
May 13, 2006, 10:27 am CDT

He's not worth your time and love

I had some similar experiences in my life to which this lady is currently going through.  Fortunately, I wasn't engaged to either of the psycho guys.  One of the guys who from my past which was very similar to this stalker guy, I had never dated though he was so obsessed with dating me and I wasn't even allowed to live my life normally without having the fear of him being behind me at all times.  This guy who was just a friend, not a real close friend, had gone as far as calling the operator to do an Emergency Break-thru because I had been on the phone (no call waiting) with a my best friend making plans to go shopping together.  He would call my friends and family and threaten them into telling him where I was living and how he could get in contact with me after I had moved to another city.  His parents had called me "jail-bait", but I was nothing close to being so-called Jail bait as there son was the one so obsessed with me and all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible. 

Now the 2nd guy who I was involved with had been a nice guy in the beginning.  As time went by, he finally worked his way into my life and the longer we had been together the more controlling he would get.  He would make me have caller ID service so that he could screen all my calls and told me who I could and could not speak to.  My friends and family all disliked this guy, but I at the time I was young and stupid with tunnel vision and didn't see anything that everyone else would see. 

He was a Con-Artist, conned me out of so much money, would make me think that I was a horrible person and that I was doing the right thing by supporting him by paying his bills for him.   

As years progressed, things only got worse.  I was afraid to leave him because I had seen what he had done to other people who didn't make him happy.  Finally nearly 5 years of being with the guy, I had the nerve to leave him, scared out of my mind wondering what would happen next.  He went as far as calling the police and filing false police reports on me and constantly hanging out in the parking lot of my apartment building and yelling/whistling for me. 

He tried several attempts to ask people who lived there to let him in as he was worried about his "fiance'", many people didn't by it as they thought if he had a fiance' that he was actually worried about he would have a way to get into the building. 

I feared for my life every time I would go out, I had a hard time leaving my apartment after the break-up without having a friend with me because my ex would always hang out either in the parking lot in his car or behind a tree waiting for me to come out. 

Needless to say, he had a better time getting the police to do things for him then I ever did, which I felt was so unfair.  I was the victim in this relationship not him, he was the one who wanted to control my ever move in my life, tell me when I needed to be home, curse me out when I didn't call him to tell him where I was.   

I no longer live in that state, so he has no way of ever finding where I live. 

When I hear things like this happening to other women, it makes me remember of what I once had to live with and deal with.  It breaks my heart to think why a woman would want to stay with a guy who is such a dirt bag and doesn't deserve her love. 

No woman and I mean no woman deserves to be treated like a piece of meat by some guy who thinks he is all that and feels that he can do anything to a woman and not give a damn about it and how she feels.  

No man who is like this ladies fiance' deserves to have a woman to love him in return. 

My advice, just get as far away as possible.  You have so much evidence of what he has done to you, that you have every right to get a restraining order against him. 

I beg you, from a woman who has been in a controlling abusive relationship, its not worth the headache and long term pain, just get out before it is too late.   You can find love and happiness with a guy who deserves to have you in his life. 

 
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