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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 13, 2006, 10:40 am CDT

RUN!

It has been 30 years since I left a relationship similar to this one.  It was fine in the beginning, but the possessiveness got worse as time went by.  He didn't like my family or friends, so I wasn't allowed to see them. He followed me when ever I left the house.  I would go bowling and turn around and he would be standing in the back, just staring.  When he told me he would like to live in a cabin in the woods, alone, with no one around, I started realizing this man was crazy.  It took a while,  experiencing physical, mental and verbal abuse, but when I saw the fear in my daughter's eyes, that was the signal to get out.  I did and survived.  I started working and raising my children by myself and today am proud of all I have accomplished. I met a wonderful man, who is kind, caring, loves and trusts me, as I do him.  We have a great relationship that is going on 26 years.  Being involved with anyone who doesn't trust you or stalks you is a clear sgn to run the other way, fast. 
 
May 13, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

Is She Kidding?

Surely she can see clearly what the problem is here....or can she?     

One, Mr. Fiance doesn't even consider this lady a person.  He sees her as property.     

Two, the old adage: "the man who looks under the bed, does so because he himself has hidden there' applies here because    

Three, it's not her love he doubts, it is his own.  He requires perfection in his mate in order to accommodate his own inner feelings of self-loathing and self-disgust.  He has to prove over and over again to himself that he is worth something by imposing pefect loyalty and devotion and other levels of perfection on this young lady.  While the only crime she is guilty of is wanting to be loved.   

Four, in order to abuse her (and thats what this is, abuse...it just hasn't become physical YET as far as we know) he must first devalue her.  In order to devalue her, he must have what he considers "EVIDENCE"  by 'catching' her in some imaginery infraction.  Ergo, he stalks her.  I'm sure he questions her constantly and she had better have the answers.  If she doesn't come up with answers that satisfy him, he can then justify to himself all manner of disgraceful behavior toward her.     

Five, I'll lay 25 to 1 odds that he has tremendous 'mother issues.'  A mother who was abusive and at the same time, seductive.     

Six, and the most tragic component of this volatile cocktail is he picks women who are passive agressive, display an ego the size of the grand canyon and a self-esteem one could slide under the door.  Once he has removed her support system; i.e., friends, family, etc. she's doomed to a life of fear, emotional distress, physical abuse for herself and her kids....   

I REPEAT... IS SHE KIDDING?  IS SHE REALLY TRYING TO TELL US THAT SHE IS SO BLIND THAT SHE CANNOT SEE WHAT THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS TO THIS DILEMMA?  SHE IS TO RUN (AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER)  AND DO IT SO QUICKLY THAT HE'LL CATCH PNEUMONIA FROM THE BREEZE FROM HER COAT.   THE NEXT STEP...SHE MOVES FAR, FAR AWAY WHERE HE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND HER AGAIN.  She'll be older, wiser, maybe a little sadder, but she'll be alive.    

   

   

 
May 13, 2006, 11:30 am CDT

to the fiance that is a stalker

 you need to get out of there this will never change and only gets worse i am speaking from watching my sister be abused and her boyfriend being jeoulos of her and everything she did from taking a shower to talking to her kids on the phone and computer. she was murdered by him last may and we are still waiting to go to trail she couldnt walk away from him i hope you can before somthing like this happens to you and your family is left behind woundering why you stayed be carefull and leave before the sun sets today just worried about  you
 
May 13, 2006, 11:36 am CDT

Been there, done that!

     Please tell me you're not serious about not knowing what steps to take here? The fact you're on the Dr. Phil Show means you've seen behavior like this in the past and have very sound advice from the world what you should be doing about this situation. Get out, do not even concider marrying this man and at all cost protect your child, and you can't do that if you put yourself in harms way. Not only should you get a restraining order but you need to file Aggrevated Stalking charges against this man, no matter how much you love him, do it because you love yourself more.   

   

     I promise you, you CAN live without this man "but will you live if you stay with him?"  

 
May 13, 2006, 11:44 am CDT

CONTROLLING AND DEADLY

I HAVE VERY LITTLE TO SAY TO THIS WOMAN OTHER THAN GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR YOUR CHILD AND FOR YOURSELF AT ALL COSTS.  IF YOU DON'T HE WILL KILL YOU, THIS IS NOT A SAFE RELATIONSHIP.    

  

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS IN SUCH A RELATIONSHIP, BROKE UP WITH HIM, A MONTH LATER, TWO RESTRAINING ORDERS, AND BEING THROWN IN JAIL,  HE GOT OUT,  WENT TO HER HOUSE, AND SHOT HER DEAD TWO INCHES FROM HER FORHEAD.  

  

IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO ON DR PHIL SHOW, YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET OUT.   

 
May 13, 2006, 11:50 am CDT

Take responsibility

Quote From: trknlady66

My ex-husband displayed many of the same characteristics you are describing in your fiance.....please...RUN, DON'T WALK AWAY!!!  GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS YOU CAN NOW!!!  You may not believe it could be as serious as a life or death situation, but it definitely is!  I could tell you things you would not believe about  how I ended up being abused by my ex.....but it ended up being not only me, but my daughter as well!!!  He caught me trying to leave a couple of different times and once put a knife to her throat and told me he would cut off her head...I believed him!  Another time, he put a gun to my head.  He even decided that he didn't want our 2nd child (who was conceived when he raped me when I came home after the c-section birth of our daughter) and poured boiling water over my stomach when I was 8 months pregnant!  I was beaten if I took too long at the grocery store, talked to anyone he didn't approve of, or if he just felt like it.  He started out a "wonderful guy"  and moved us 1300 miles from my family....then the true evil came out.  Please, don't let this continue to escalate into a very tragic situation!!!!  Get out now, while you and your daughter are still alive and safe!!  He needs help and your relationship WILL NOT GET BETTER!!!!!!   I wish I could come and take you away from there myself!!!!  Please, let Dr. Phil help you get away!  Don't become another domestic violence statistic. 

Chris Eytcheson 

I understand the men and women are sick who do the stalking and abusing.  There is also another point of view.  I've been in fear and abusive rape situations with my ex partner.  However, I was just as sick as he was for staying while we went through years of him doing these things.  I had to take responsibility that I had zero self-esteem.   

  

Really, who lets a man pour boiling water on their pregnant stomach in hopes of killing the kid and stays.  With compassion I say this.  FEAR does rule the hurt and weak.  However, admit how sick you were too for staying. 

  

Jo-Anne 

 
May 13, 2006, 11:55 am CDT

RUN dont walk away

Why is she even staying with this man long enough to come on the show?  His behavior is not going to get any better without EXTENSIVE counseling...She needs to RUN not walk away, trust me..I learned the hard way
 
May 13, 2006, 12:56 pm CDT

Larger than life clues

 When did you begin to see the problem.  How long did you ignore the warning signs hopeing they would go away or he would change.  As Dr. Phil says, if you are in a relationship, you are in it for whatever you are getting out of it.  Grow up and get on.  It is what it is and when you lay down with dogs, you normally get up with fleas.
 
May 13, 2006, 1:03 pm CDT

been there

In 1991 I was engaged to the same kind of guy and i had a 6 month old child. i married him and had 2 kids with him. the abuse got real bad. in 1999 i finally thaught i had broke free from him. now in 2006, he has custody of my 2 children. it took him 6 years of abusing me via the court room to acomplish this. meanwhile he continued to stalk me and harrass. the last straw for me was when he put motor oil in my brake fluid almost killing me. i had to move a 1000 miles away to be safe. the courts can not keep my address confidential and he has my 2 babies, so he knows my exact address. he has quite the arrest history for domestic violence and 6 offences that include alcohol. 3 of them are dui. i have no arrest history. i have had to learn to love myself to find peace and assure that i would not end up in the same mess again. stop this while you can. im not the only one who has a story like this. there are 1000s of women who would have killed to have the information that you are getting now. my 15 year old has to live with this mess daily too. he has post traumatic disorder asa well as other disorders as a direct result of my ex- husbands abuse. i can honestly say that it was easier to live being married to him than the abuse that has occured since having children going thru this custody battle. as another person said on this board, run! dont walk. find a way to love yourself. you will then understand that you deserve better. God bless you and your child.
 
May 13, 2006, 1:07 pm CDT

stalker

last wensday my so-called girlfriend called me 14 times, thats too many calls i say, b4 she left 6 messages on my answering machine and last wensday she called twice in the morning at 6 a.m and when I got home from work I saw she left 10 messages on my answering machine and also she called twice that night. also she called me too much, last friday i had to end it, end the relationship, she was way "too much" I blocked for number from my caller ID.
 
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