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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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August 23, 2006, 9:11 pm CDT

Look at him now!

















I love this picture of Ken and the baby, it shows just how much his attitude has improved and how happy we all are now because of it.

 

:)

 
August 24, 2006, 12:15 am CDT

Look at his (and her) eyes!

Quote From: ken_amber

















I love this picture of Ken and the baby, it shows just how much his attitude has improved and how happy we all are now because of it.

 

:)

It's so hard to not be judgemental of people...especially with all the shows on TV that commercialize emotions (for lack of a better descriptive term). Seeing Kens eyes during the show, he was trying to rationalize and defend his ego...just like we ALL do when we can't understand what we are doing or why but don't know how to change it either. As another writer said, you could see it in Ken's face when Dr. Phil told him he wanted to help and actually touched him in a positive way physically, that Ken was getting it and seeing (maybe for the very first time in his life) that relationships and human contact don't have to be painful and full of fear and anger. I wish this family all the love and happiness in the world and congratulate Ken on putting the effort in to changing for the better...the pictures, and the eyes, say so much!
 
August 24, 2006, 12:32 am CDT

What a cute baby!

Quote From: ken_amber

















I love this picture of Ken and the baby, it shows just how much his attitude has improved and how happy we all are now because of it.

 

:)

I'm so glad things have improved for you two (make that three).
 
August 24, 2006, 6:24 am CDT

Amber's the "control freak"

I found this show painful to watch -- sort of like someone being physically beaten to a pulp.  Uh, Ken is working all day and Amber is, what, chatting online with guys???  He wants to see his daughter and so-called "fiance" (who's dating other men, if not sleeping with them), and she "may or may not let him"???  Whoa, Dr. Phil had it SO wrong when he said Ken wants everyone to dance to his tune; it's quite the other way around.  Mom wouldn't want her not to be able to go out with her friends; hello, she's a mother now; should she be posting pics of herself on the computer and clubbing???  I'm sure Mom's happy to babysit (even though the other grandmother isn't allowed to see the baby, apparently), but time for someone to grow up and maybe even get a job.  Of course Ken "cheated"; does anything think for a moment his sexual needs are being met in this relationship (when she won't even see him half the time)?  I can see where this would drive anyone over the edge; esp. a man who's already been hurt in life.  Manipulative, smug, and guilty!!!
 
August 24, 2006, 7:46 am CDT

Congratulations

I just want to say congratulations to Ken and Amber.  Ken it took a lot of courage to be on the show because of your situation and wanting to change for the better.

 

Dr Phil - thank you so much for not only doing your job of helping anyone with a problem but, believing that there is hope for just about most people who seek it.  You are truly a wonderful person and Robin I can not go any farther without saying that you and your entire family are so compassionate and loving of all of life.  Thanks

 

So many times we as people see someone in trouble and we either make a comment and walk away from it.  We need to be more encouraging than we are.  We have the ability to step forward and offer support to friends or love ones,  So lets really learn something from Dr. Phil.  Lets take to attitude that he has and pitch in and help others when we see the need.  He tells it like it is BUT, he doesn't believe that there is no hope at all.  I know that we are not all PH D's but, if we find someone who needs to even just let it all out then we need to be available to listen and maybe point them in the right direction.  You never know: you could be one to change that persons life for the better.  And, if you don't see the clue to listen and offer help; you might be the one who contributes to the change for the worse.  YOU DON'T KNOW.......

 
August 24, 2006, 8:57 am CDT

Oh my goodness

I read the comments, and they vary from both ends of the spectrum.  There is so much to be said for painting Ken as a malicious person, controlling.   I realize that he was screaming inside.why don't you love me...even when he did not deserve it, but it was not specifically at Amber but his Dad.  I lived with that Jeckyl and Heyde  sort of person.  I would be left with my head whirling, saying how in the world did this escalate to my eye being blackened.  I am happy that Dr, Phil could see through that and give him some help before it was too late.  I lived the life jaw droppingly nearly word for word that life, that was all my fault, always.  Except for the cheating part, he was not that way, but I can see that may have fed his I am not worthless thing, by being able to romance other wome, who knows.  This is the tragedy in this, I could divorce him, my children were stuck.  They would say with Dad we have to check our brain at the door, because we did not need it.  He bloodied their lips if they did not act accordingly.  So much damage to all of us, because he had a crappy upbringing.  I always said why in the world did you not get emotional help when you were younger so this kiss, slap relationship would not have happened.  Every fight he was going to kill himself, we would walk in and find him shot or hanging there.  Worked for years.  Now you see this is the outcome, noone really cares.  I lost the home, car, my credit is crap.  I recently moved far away from him to save my children when the oldest (who looks exactly like him) came home again with his teeth put into his lip.  I begged him to just love them, for who they are, wonderful guys.  They lived the crap too, so I followed protocol, sent certified letter telling him ahead of time about my move, explained to him that he is hurting them emotionally.  So he gives back every single item that they ever bought him, toys, and refuses to pay support ever again, to date 8 weeks behind.  This is what I could not fix, I tried to for years.  The children are who suffer, they try to ignore, but they are the ones who pay the bill.  Now unemployed, living off of my daughter, hoping for a fresh beginning for my son who just entered freshman year of high school, and the other one seemingly happy.   But I am scared to death.  I was also held in rooms, told to get off the phone as I was on too long, told I was used up...is hurt because I am trying to save my kids from the life that I got them into.  The same thing that I witnessed on TV.  I hope that Ken is not so sharp witted that he is able to con his way through the therapy.  Noone would ever guess who I lived with, how could that sweet guy black my eye, what must I have done?  To only know that it was the fact that I disagreed as to whether I put down the hand vac or threw it across the room from cleaning up the glass that he threw and broke in the carpeting.  I did not live for the fight, I fought to stay sane.  Now I am 50 and I feel so worthless because finding work is really tough at my age.  I am in college to try to better myself as well.  I try to do the right things but it is very hard.  Very hard, all because I thought I had found something so wonderful, only to find that it was the worst nightmare of my life.  I also got the crazy amounts of calls, if I did not answer the calls did not stop.  My son would say just hang up, but I knew that he would incessantly call back.  Then the boys had to go there and face his anger without me to protect them.  I hope you got him early enough to repair the damage that has happened to his bottomless pit of needs, there is never enough compliments, trying to do right, never enough.  This may sound like a blabbering of a mad person, but it is the outcome of 14 years of that same relationship.  I put on weight, and kept it on so he would not want to be around me, find someone more appealing, all that did was put me where I am today with little or no emotions, cannot cry I feel like to would be beneficial to my health.   I have been alone now for 4 years, and I do not regret that at all, I needed to be alone for awhile, and it is OK with me if I stay that way.  All because I got involved with someone whose tears could melt me like butter because of his upbringing hardships, his mother left him in jail at 13.  See after awhile all that turns into "Get over it."..and I grew callous to the situation, would spew hateful things right back at him, and finally saying very little because it saved the hassle...to manipulating my future getway all the time..I knew my heart had to be very hard because I would get the feel sorry for me with both barrels, and that usually worked....all the way to the lawyers office Please love me..I know I am awful but please love me...it was a sick life.  After the divorce I could open my eyes and see him standing at my bed, so I never attempted to date, then they took my house back and i had to move but he could not get to me there, that is when the phone rang and rang.  My daughter said don't give him my number....nutty it was all nutty.  If anyone met him, they would think I am making all of this up.  When Dr Phil said you don't get it do you...I was there wishing it was my situation (at the time) telling him you don't get it...again now my kids suffer because their Dad wants nothing to do with them because they said yes Dad we want to move...severed from them.  No support either, that is their right, not mine so I will fight for it.  He says he will go to prison before he pays, we will see.  Man what a life long mess this has caused, what do I hope to accomplish by this message?  I hope that one girl who saw that show and reads this will see that it is not a game, it is not fun, there are reprecussions that are life altering for more than just you the person.  Can he be fixed, hopefully because he is young.  This person I am talking about was 22 at the time of this occurance with me, and he was so set in his ways at that point, so driven to work because his Dad never did, I don't know if you can unring certain bells, I hope so for that little girl.  But they both need fixed.
 
August 24, 2006, 9:00 am CDT

Don't pay attention to the Negative Nellies!

Quote From: ken_amber

All I have to say is CONGRATULATIONS!  I don't know  how some of these people on this message board were raised. They say  you were addicted to drama and using the victim card to gain attention. How can that be when you all are so happy now?  If you were addicted to drama, provoking him, and using the "victim card", why would you be be so happy with Ken's transformation? Amber, I have to say that some of these people who type these zany comments on this site are just plain jealous of you and your ability to realize something was wrong and do something about it. There are too many women out there that feel as if they deserve no less from their men, and they don't feel loved unless there is some form of abuse in their relationship. Women basically marry their fathers who used to do the same things to them and find it normal. They find it ABNORMAL if their man is gentle and kind, and they find it ABNORMAL for any woman going through the same thing you were to speak openly about it.

I find you and Ken to be a lot more strong and courageous to seek help for a better life.

Then there are so many people that get jealous of those who put themselves on national television. These are those same people who weren't nurtured and hugged enough as kids. They were neglected and didn't get enough attention from their own parents. And when they see others on TV voicing any kind of concern, they get jealous of the attention you receive from it. Why? Because these jealous negative nellies were never allowed to speak out when something went wrong and resent those that are able to and try to stop them. What they don't realize is that they  CAN speak up. They just refuse to. But that's not your problem. You are better off than these people and they probably hate it all the more that you and Ken are happy now.

Again, I'm so happy for the 3 of you. Keep on keepin' on!
 
August 24, 2006, 9:19 am CDT

08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Quote From: erika818

I can not believe what I am reading here, are we seriously defending this guy? Are we seriously condeming this young mother for objecting to being abused? Are we seriously  questioning this girl's God given right to not be harrassed, degraded, threatened, and bullied into submission?  Are we forgetting that there is a baby caught in the middle here, yet another innocent child being raised by a mother trying to protect her sanity, dignity, and quite possibly her very life? Where the hell is Ken's family in all this? Why are they not stopping their son from abusing his child's mother?

I don't care what kind of upbringing this guy had, rear-ending your pregnant girlfriend at a stop light to prove a point is not even close to normal. That girl was not smug, she was scared to death, as was her mother. Thank God for Grand-ma, handling her business, and protecting her daughter and grandchild.

I can not imagine what creates a man like this, and I truly hope he gets the help he needs,  but I'd be damned if I'd let his "issues" take either my daughter or grand-baby down with him.

It's people like you that traditionally blame the woman in these cases that allow them to continue.

Thank God for people like Dr. Phil that shine a light on this kind of  behavior and empowers women to protect themselves and their children. I feel sorry for those of you on whom the message was lost.

You have to keep in mind that people with baggage that don't realize they have baggage only see and hear what they want to see and hear.  Some people on here think that  Amber was sleeping and/or flurting with other men. That didn't happen.
 
August 24, 2006, 10:35 am CDT

Both are guilty....

Quote From: naturesgir

I found this show painful to watch -- sort of like someone being physically beaten to a pulp.  Uh, Ken is working all day and Amber is, what, chatting online with guys???  He wants to see his daughter and so-called "fiance" (who's dating other men, if not sleeping with them), and she "may or may not let him"???  Whoa, Dr. Phil had it SO wrong when he said Ken wants everyone to dance to his tune; it's quite the other way around.  Mom wouldn't want her not to be able to go out with her friends; hello, she's a mother now; should she be posting pics of herself on the computer and clubbing???  I'm sure Mom's happy to babysit (even though the other grandmother isn't allowed to see the baby, apparently), but time for someone to grow up and maybe even get a job.  Of course Ken "cheated"; does anything think for a moment his sexual needs are being met in this relationship (when she won't even see him half the time)?  I can see where this would drive anyone over the edge; esp. a man who's already been hurt in life.  Manipulative, smug, and guilty!!!

 

 

  I have to say that I was thinking alot of the same things you just posted on this message board.  I belive Amber was enjoying the attention from Ken even though it was negative attention.  I do think Ken needs to deal with some past wounds and that he needs to learn a healthy way to respond when he is pushed to the limits if not for his wife for his daughter because she will just see his negative responses to her mother and feel that her dad is causing this pain and she is too young to understand all the details that go behind his actions.  He should also improve in this area for himself because it could create jail time or an outburst that he does not intend to really hurt someone but does because he is not in control of his emotions at the time she is egging him on.  I would agree with the fact that Ken would look somewhere else to fulfill his sexual need which is one of the males biggest need but it sounded like he was doing this in the beginning of their relationship before Amber was giving him the cold shoulder.  I also think that when a husband and wife are estranged so to speak that it is o.k. during that time period not too be sexual with your partner - not out of spite or control but for genuine reasons and they should honor their marriage vows during that time of reconciliation.  I think if Amber were or any of us were being denied to see our own child we would respond not in the most proper way.  Even if they feel it is a threat of some sort to the baby they could have offered supervised visits so that would be one less thing Ken would have to battle and it would be done in a way that Amber could feel safe (if she even truly feels unsafe)  - all would win with that proposal - mostly the baby.  I wish Dr. Phil would have dug a little deeper into Amber and he may have seen she is trying to instigate alot of what is taking place - still no excusing his behavior but it does shed light on the reason he is so angry.  I wonder why Amber would even tell Ken about chating with other men online unless it is to get a response from him and if she already knows how he gets then why would she intentionally but her and her daughter in harms way, it makes you wonder about her part in all of this.  Anyway, I just thought I would add in my two cents and say that in many ways I agree with you but Ken still does have a part as well in all of this no matter how big or how small the part is - that is not for me to determine.

 

  One more thing when I said Amber could have been getting attention even if it was negative - I am speaking from experience.  As I was growing up my father was abusive but he said he loved me somewhere in my thinking I associated that negative mess with love and I at least I was noticed even if it was the bad kind of notice - it was better then being absolutely nothing.  Anyway,  when I started dating my first boyfriend at about 16/17 I pushed him away after a while because he was treating me the way a normal person shoud treat someone they love but I thought what is wrong here - he does not love me.  That was not the norm from someone that loves you.  Getting hit was what I knew and that was my normal so I would purposely try to get my boyfriend to hit me by insigating things.  I did not realize this truth until years later but I did not know how to handle myself in something that was normal - I knew what to do if you were beating me even if it was just crying or being scared.  I do not know Ambers past because the show did not really look into what she grew up with.  Was here father not around and her mom was busy making a living and being a single mother and Amber did not get any attention much less attention from a male figure and then here comes Ken giving her attention even if it isn't good attention was it better then not having any at all?????

 

 
August 24, 2006, 10:52 am CDT

08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Quote From: irelasl

I read the comments, and they vary from both ends of the spectrum.  There is so much to be said for painting Ken as a malicious person, controlling.   I realize that he was screaming inside.why don't you love me...even when he did not deserve it, but it was not specifically at Amber but his Dad.  I lived with that Jeckyl and Heyde  sort of person.  I would be left with my head whirling, saying how in the world did this escalate to my eye being blackened.  I am happy that Dr, Phil could see through that and give him some help before it was too late.  I lived the life jaw droppingly nearly word for word that life, that was all my fault, always.  Except for the cheating part, he was not that way, but I can see that may have fed his I am not worthless thing, by being able to romance other wome, who knows.  This is the tragedy in this, I could divorce him, my children were stuck.  They would say with Dad we have to check our brain at the door, because we did not need it.  He bloodied their lips if they did not act accordingly.  So much damage to all of us, because he had a crappy upbringing.  I always said why in the world did you not get emotional help when you were younger so this kiss, slap relationship would not have happened.  Every fight he was going to kill himself, we would walk in and find him shot or hanging there.  Worked for years.  Now you see this is the outcome, noone really cares.  I lost the home, car, my credit is crap.  I recently moved far away from him to save my children when the oldest (who looks exactly like him) came home again with his teeth put into his lip.  I begged him to just love them, for who they are, wonderful guys.  They lived the crap too, so I followed protocol, sent certified letter telling him ahead of time about my move, explained to him that he is hurting them emotionally.  So he gives back every single item that they ever bought him, toys, and refuses to pay support ever again, to date 8 weeks behind.  This is what I could not fix, I tried to for years.  The children are who suffer, they try to ignore, but they are the ones who pay the bill.  Now unemployed, living off of my daughter, hoping for a fresh beginning for my son who just entered freshman year of high school, and the other one seemingly happy.   But I am scared to death.  I was also held in rooms, told to get off the phone as I was on too long, told I was used up...is hurt because I am trying to save my kids from the life that I got them into.  The same thing that I witnessed on TV.  I hope that Ken is not so sharp witted that he is able to con his way through the therapy.  Noone would ever guess who I lived with, how could that sweet guy black my eye, what must I have done?  To only know that it was the fact that I disagreed as to whether I put down the hand vac or threw it across the room from cleaning up the glass that he threw and broke in the carpeting.  I did not live for the fight, I fought to stay sane.  Now I am 50 and I feel so worthless because finding work is really tough at my age.  I am in college to try to better myself as well.  I try to do the right things but it is very hard.  Very hard, all because I thought I had found something so wonderful, only to find that it was the worst nightmare of my life.  I also got the crazy amounts of calls, if I did not answer the calls did not stop.  My son would say just hang up, but I knew that he would incessantly call back.  Then the boys had to go there and face his anger without me to protect them.  I hope you got him early enough to repair the damage that has happened to his bottomless pit of needs, there is never enough compliments, trying to do right, never enough.  This may sound like a blabbering of a mad person, but it is the outcome of 14 years of that same relationship.  I put on weight, and kept it on so he would not want to be around me, find someone more appealing, all that did was put me where I am today with little or no emotions, cannot cry I feel like to would be beneficial to my health.   I have been alone now for 4 years, and I do not regret that at all, I needed to be alone for awhile, and it is OK with me if I stay that way.  All because I got involved with someone whose tears could melt me like butter because of his upbringing hardships, his mother left him in jail at 13.  See after awhile all that turns into "Get over it."..and I grew callous to the situation, would spew hateful things right back at him, and finally saying very little because it saved the hassle...to manipulating my future getway all the time..I knew my heart had to be very hard because I would get the feel sorry for me with both barrels, and that usually worked....all the way to the lawyers office Please love me..I know I am awful but please love me...it was a sick life.  After the divorce I could open my eyes and see him standing at my bed, so I never attempted to date, then they took my house back and i had to move but he could not get to me there, that is when the phone rang and rang.  My daughter said don't give him my number....nutty it was all nutty.  If anyone met him, they would think I am making all of this up.  When Dr Phil said you don't get it do you...I was there wishing it was my situation (at the time) telling him you don't get it...again now my kids suffer because their Dad wants nothing to do with them because they said yes Dad we want to move...severed from them.  No support either, that is their right, not mine so I will fight for it.  He says he will go to prison before he pays, we will see.  Man what a life long mess this has caused, what do I hope to accomplish by this message?  I hope that one girl who saw that show and reads this will see that it is not a game, it is not fun, there are reprecussions that are life altering for more than just you the person.  Can he be fixed, hopefully because he is young.  This person I am talking about was 22 at the time of this occurance with me, and he was so set in his ways at that point, so driven to work because his Dad never did, I don't know if you can unring certain bells, I hope so for that little girl.  But they both need fixed.
  Your story is a sad one but it was good that you opened up all that ugliness so someone may get the whole picture of how horrible it can get.  I am glad that you got out and hang in there.  Your Kids will one day have to come to the realization that there Dad is not Dad at all and they may wonder why could he not love them enough to change to be with them but encourage them that it has nothing to do with them that he is the one with problems.  I wish you all the best and don't think that because your 50 you don't have anything to offer because I am sure you do.  Someone does not live through what you lived through without being a strong person.  Good Luck with everything.  God Bless.
 
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