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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 13, 2006, 7:16 pm CDT

Wake up and get out now

This certainly isn't the way to start a marriage!  Please get some help for yourself as well as leave this guy.  It sounds like you're in a physically dangerous situation and not to mention emotional abuse as well.  Who does he think he is!  The stalker has a distorted view of himself and life and is filled with anger.  May God have mercy on and open your eyes.  There is a better life out there for you! 

 
May 13, 2006, 7:37 pm CDT

Scariest days of my life

When I finally got the guts to leave my drug addicted husband of almost 13 years, I had to obtain a protection from abuse order, but still, that didn't work.  I was more scared about the well-being of my 10 year old son than myself, but it seems that everywhere I went, my husband would find me.  I went to get gas at an out-of-town gas station and he found me there and blocked me in at the pump.  My son was inside paying for my gas when my husband went in and obviously asked him where we were headed.  My son had no idea of how his father was, so he told him that he had a doctor's appointment.  Well, I was in the doctor's office with my son in the examining room when my husband barged in and sat right next to me.  The doctor saw the terror in my eyes and knew something was awry.  When my son and I went to leave, my husband opened my car door and was hanging on it even though I was trying to move the car and he kept screaming in my face and scaring my son and this went on for about 20 minutes until finally, the people inside the office noticed what was going on and a nurse ran out to see what was going on, which scared him away.  She was a brave woman to do that.  That is just one incident.  The moral is, a protection from abuse order does not stop anyone and you must be on guard at all times.  I would find my husband riding around my apartment also.  Even before I left him, he never slept with me.  He always slept on the couch.  One night I woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing above me.  I was scared to death.  I think he wanted to kill me because I made the mistake one day of telling him that I had a lot of life insurance on myself through work.  NEVER DO THAT.  20/20 hindsight - I have learned alot.  I know if my son and I would have stayed, he would have murdered us.  I am definite about that.  I found out later that he was on all kinds of drugs and he didn't work for years and years and was sponging off of me and would steal money, including my son's First Holy Communion money.  He ultimately took his own life 5 months after I left.  I felt alot of guilt for a long time until I later found out about all the drugs, all the affairs with women, things I had no idea about.  Today I know that God and my guardian angel were definitely watching over my son and I and now I am happily remarried to a wonderful man and just had a baby daughter last year to keep my 14 year old son company.  My life is so happy now.  I have volumes that I could tell alot of these young girls who are getting hooked up with these types of men, I could write a very thick book!  If Dr. Phil ever wants to talk to me about any of it, feel free to call me Dr. Phil.
 
May 13, 2006, 7:43 pm CDT

Sounds so familiar

Quote From: bsuthn3622

I am a Survivor of being stalked, physically, sexually and emotionally abused! Please Get OUT NOW!  I had a restraining order, not worth paper they are written on! Move to another state, secretly! "Leopards dont change their spots", he is very sick person and will never give you up until he finds someone else to abuse. You are NOT SAFE! These are just some of the things that have happened to me: ran me and toddler off road, broke into my house many times (no matter where I moved in the city), beat me while I was pregnant and not pg, accused me of running around on him when that is what he was doing, gave me an STD, never kept a job, he didnt mind mooching off his parents (I was embarrassed), held a gun and knife to my throat, raped me, called me every name in the book, beat up my little brother, played tug of war with my child, he was on drugs, ripped out my phone, broke down doors, followed me everywhere I would go, broke into my car, followed me and a friend to a club, he beat up the friend, never paid child support, never changed, he could never understand why I hated him all these years, still tries to come back into my life, when my son was killed he never paid his share of the funeral bill, he made the statement that God took our son to lead him to being a preacher (he was just living off the church' s money), faked back injuries so he could get money from automobile wrecks, he has had 2 more wives, beat them, has had 3 more children, he will not marry this last woman b/c he doesnt want another failed marriage (ha! doesnt want to pay child support if she divorced him), he still does not keep a job,  he was on either welfare or faked injuries on a job to win law suits so he didnt have to work.  

just found out we have a grandson by our deceased son, wants to talk about the child and be back in my life (NO WAY!), he doesnt understand why I wont talk to him about our grandson. I have warned my grandson's mother of his violence and mental illness. I could go on, but Im sure you are tired of reading. I have been married to wonderful, caring, loving man for 25 years and Kenny is still doing what he does best after all of these years, abusing women. His now live-in girlfriend said to me, "Kenny has changed, he has me put the baby down before he hits me."  Scary huh? kb  

I cannot believe this.  I read this email after I posted mine and things sound almost the same as mine.  I got std's numeorus times also and of course, didn't realize how!!!  I was really stupid I guess though - I was this man's third wife.  Everyone warned me ahead of time but I was too naive and dumb to listen, and these young girls today will be the same way.  I was 22 years old.  I am now almost 41, and let me tell you, the older you get, the wiser.  My fortunate thing was that my husband killed himself, and that's definitely the best thing that could have happened!
 
May 13, 2006, 8:24 pm CDT

LEAVE NOW

I don't care why this man is behaving like he is - LEAVE HIM NOW.  If he gets help and fixes his problems that is for him to do.  You need some ME time and away from this man to feel safe again and if you don't what to do it for yourself, do it for your child.  LEAVE now and if you still want to work on the other problems then.  Leaving is the most important part.
 
May 13, 2006, 8:37 pm CDT

Me too!

Quote From: bsuthn3622

Pretty damn low...just like mine was. I was raised in a family where dad drank and  beat mom on a regular basis. I was told I was a girl so I couldnt do things as well as my brothers. I was asked why I couldnt be more like my brothers on a constant basis, I was called puddin' head and pumpkin head by my father b/c "she is a girl and she is slow". (graduated with honors with my college degrees, how slow can that be!?!) My mother was jealous of any attention I got from my father or anyone else for that matter. I was called fat and ridiculed at every meal. I was beaten at least once a week and never praised or told that anyone loved me. Ooops, my mom told me once in the 6th grade. NOW ASK, HOW COULD A WOMAN'S SELF-ESTEEM BE SO LOW THAT SHE WOULD STAY WITH A MAN LIKE THAT? DO YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA NOW?

My mother beat me, weekly,cut all my hair off to the scalp just because I cried when she"ripped" the brush through the waist length curls. Told I was a stupid bitch constantly.  on and on...So I married the first man that came my way......so he could take me away from all of that.  I noticed he had an aggressive side to him, but thought that was good, "hey" he could protect me.."yea" NOT...he turned out to be equally as abusive.   So three kids later and 15 years, I divorced him.  

Got into another relatonship years later....he fooled me. I thought he was a good guy...guess what, he was worse than the first man "spent 5 years in that relationship   "man is a poor choice of words"  

I realized finally, that I had been looking for the love I didn't get from parents and protection from the big bad world and I believe that is why I picked those abusive males.  It's learned behaviour, we accept what we understand, and are conditioned to believe we don't deserve better.  Pavlov's Dog...check it out.  

 
May 13, 2006, 8:52 pm CDT

Come On!

You are a beautiful woman please do not walk down the aisle with this monster!  I think you need more than an intervention you need to look at your blessed baby and thank God you are still both alive.  Run and do not walk to the nearest exit.  Dorice Baty
 
May 13, 2006, 9:10 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: marybernic

I find it remarkable that this couple have some how found the courage to put their relationship (such as it is) up to public scrutiny - and to have Dr. Phil work with them.
Thank You for recognizing this. It IS really difficult but I recognized that we were both in desperate need of some help before it goes any further. I am very pleased with the outcome of the show.
 
May 14, 2006, 12:27 am CDT

Do you hear the whisper?

Listen to your family.  No one cares more about you than they do.  I wish my daughter had listened to me.  She chose to live with a man with a real bad boys way of doing things.  She later decided that she wanted out, but he wouldn't let her leave.  She escaped a week ago On May 5th.  On Tuesday I went to work and when I got home she was gone!  He came into my home and took her out.  He called to tell me that he had her and there was nothing I could do about it.  He also said that it was a shame that her father had beaten her so badly that he had to take her to the emergency room.  I could hear her cry in the background.  The police department says there isn't anything they can do.  The last time I saw her she behaved like a young child.  I would remind her to shower, to eat and other simple basic things.  If we don't find a way to rescue her he will probably beat her to death.  The isolation he has forced on her has brought her down to this level.  Remember, if your fiance' is this controlling now he is certain to get much worse.  Listen to your intuition, listen to your family and listen to the others.  You deserve a wonderful loving man.  
 
May 14, 2006, 2:24 am CDT

Go Man Go

I can not tell you to run fast enough to get out.. Somewhere in the pit of your stomach you know this.. Your are afraid of the unknown but trust you and me there is peace out there..It takes time but trust you gut or you wouldn't of contacted Dr. Phil.. You deserve respect and dignity from a man and don't settle for anything less!!   

Good Luck 

 
May 14, 2006, 5:58 am CDT

Perception Shapes Our Behavior

Quote From: twizzlers

I had some similar experiences in my life to which this lady is currently going through.  Fortunately, I wasn't engaged to either of the psycho guys.  One of the guys who from my past which was very similar to this stalker guy, I had never dated though he was so obsessed with dating me and I wasn't even allowed to live my life normally without having the fear of him being behind me at all times.  This guy who was just a friend, not a real close friend, had gone as far as calling the operator to do an Emergency Break-thru because I had been on the phone (no call waiting) with a my best friend making plans to go shopping together.  He would call my friends and family and threaten them into telling him where I was living and how he could get in contact with me after I had moved to another city.  His parents had called me "jail-bait", but I was nothing close to being so-called Jail bait as there son was the one so obsessed with me and all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible. 

Now the 2nd guy who I was involved with had been a nice guy in the beginning.  As time went by, he finally worked his way into my life and the longer we had been together the more controlling he would get.  He would make me have caller ID service so that he could screen all my calls and told me who I could and could not speak to.  My friends and family all disliked this guy, but I at the time I was young and stupid with tunnel vision and didn't see anything that everyone else would see. 

He was a Con-Artist, conned me out of so much money, would make me think that I was a horrible person and that I was doing the right thing by supporting him by paying his bills for him.   

As years progressed, things only got worse.  I was afraid to leave him because I had seen what he had done to other people who didn't make him happy.  Finally nearly 5 years of being with the guy, I had the nerve to leave him, scared out of my mind wondering what would happen next.  He went as far as calling the police and filing false police reports on me and constantly hanging out in the parking lot of my apartment building and yelling/whistling for me. 

He tried several attempts to ask people who lived there to let him in as he was worried about his "fiance'", many people didn't by it as they thought if he had a fiance' that he was actually worried about he would have a way to get into the building. 

I feared for my life every time I would go out, I had a hard time leaving my apartment after the break-up without having a friend with me because my ex would always hang out either in the parking lot in his car or behind a tree waiting for me to come out. 

Needless to say, he had a better time getting the police to do things for him then I ever did, which I felt was so unfair.  I was the victim in this relationship not him, he was the one who wanted to control my ever move in my life, tell me when I needed to be home, curse me out when I didn't call him to tell him where I was.   

I no longer live in that state, so he has no way of ever finding where I live. 

When I hear things like this happening to other women, it makes me remember of what I once had to live with and deal with.  It breaks my heart to think why a woman would want to stay with a guy who is such a dirt bag and doesn't deserve her love. 

No woman and I mean no woman deserves to be treated like a piece of meat by some guy who thinks he is all that and feels that he can do anything to a woman and not give a damn about it and how she feels.  

No man who is like this ladies fiance' deserves to have a woman to love him in return. 

My advice, just get as far away as possible.  You have so much evidence of what he has done to you, that you have every right to get a restraining order against him. 

I beg you, from a woman who has been in a controlling abusive relationship, its not worth the headache and long term pain, just get out before it is too late.   You can find love and happiness with a guy who deserves to have you in his life. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Young girls are vulnerable to men such as the one you describe.  What I'm concerned about is you say you had TWO such relationships.  I had a habit of attracting alcoholics.  After the 3rd one, I thought, "What AM I doing wrong?"  I realized that God was going to keep sending me Mr. Wrong until MY EYES WERE OPENED TO MY OWN FEELINGS OF POOR SELF-WORTH.  FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, I realized that the sameness of my behavior was going to get me the same results.  If you even suspect something isn't quite kosher when you meet a guy, walk away before you have to run.  These men are terrorists and cowards.  If the cop on the corner, the green grocer or the postman angered him would he act toward them the way he acted toward you?  Not a chance. So, don't look at what a guy says to you.  They know flattery will get them anywhere with some women.  Look at what the guy does and particularly, how he treats others.  Anyone can be a model citizen for a few hours an evening.  AND MOST IMPORTANT, DON'T CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT A WHOLE PERSON UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A GUY IN YOUR LIFE.  MANY WOMEN LOVE THEIR INDEPENDENCE AND LEARN TO LOVE THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY LET SOMEONE INTO THEIR LIVES.  And if the guy NEVER comes along, NO BIG DEAL.  We have a saying in my ethnic heritage:  "YOU'RE BETTER OFF ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY." 
 
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