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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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August 25, 2006, 1:29 am CDT

Educate myself?

Quote From: Pleasance

This has nothing to do with differences ---

 

This has to do with a violent abuser.

 

His victims.

 

This is NOT about differences.....not about differences in people .......or about differences in a couple.

 

THIS IS ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE....STALKING.

 

A continual behavior of Abuse, Violence and Stalking.   Those subjects are not mere differences in a couple.

 

This is not NORMAL....differences occur with normal relationships......WHEN YOU HAVE AN ABUSER.....IT IS NO LONGER NORMAL.....NOT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP.....NONE OF IT IS A DIFFERENCE.......ITS ABOUT ABUSE.....VIOLENCE IN ABUSE AND STALKING.

 

ABUSIVE SITUATIONS CAN BE OVERCOME ONLY IF THE ABUSER.....THE PERPETRATOR IS WILLING TO WORK HARD, AND I MEAN.....REALLY HARD IN COMPREHENSIVE IN DEPTH COUNSELING....ALONE........THE ABUSER......ALONE IN HIS COUNSELING.  

 

DOMESTIC ABUSE AND VIOLENCE IS NOT A COUPLES PROBLEM......IT IS A PROBLEM OF THE ABUSER HIMSELF.    HE ALONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICES AND BEHAVIORS.

 

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TRUE LOVE........love is not part of this equation either......people who love you do not abuse or hurt you.

 

THERE IS NO LOVE ANYWHERE THAT CAN OVERCOME ANY OF THIS.

 

The only drama here was caused by the Abuser......the violent one.......the stalker.

 

"HOPE" will NOT change anything either.

 

An abuser owns his problems and only he can fix them.

 

IF HE IS WILLING TO UNDERGO ON GOING COUNSELING AND HELP..........and he does the work and the necessary in-depth reflection that is required of him.

 

 

 

Please try to educate yourself on the matters of Abuse, Domestic Abuse and Violence.

 

 

 

"Please try to educate yourself in the matters of Abuse, Domestic Abuse, and Violence" ?????

 

I have been in an abusive relationship before- I am no longer with him- but i DO believe that people can be rehabilitated. My dad abused my mother- they overcame it. There IS love that can overcome ANY obstacle. I'm sorry you've never found it, but here's an idea- YOU WON'T if you don't believe in it.

 
August 25, 2006, 8:16 am CDT

Yes, try to educate yourself on the facts, dynamics and truths of Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence and Stalking

Quote From: rjfrench

"Please try to educate yourself in the matters of Abuse, Domestic Abuse, and Violence" ?????

 

I have been in an abusive relationship before- I am no longer with him- but i DO believe that people can be rehabilitated. My dad abused my mother- they overcame it. There IS love that can overcome ANY obstacle. I'm sorry you've never found it, but here's an idea- YOU WON'T if you don't believe in it.

Yes, I did say try to educate yourself on the dynamics of Abuse, Domestic Abuse and Violence.

 

Begin with the education on the basics, and the MYTHS on the subject.

 

There are many people....in this world of ours....that can NOT be rehabilitated.....and Most Batterers, Abusers are NOT truly, really willing to be rehabilitated.  They are NOT willing to stay and endure the comprehensive intense counseling and help programs designed to get at and remove their core belief systems.

 

The facts and statistics on Domestic Violence and Abuse bear out that message.  Batterers and Abusers rarely.........and I mean RARELY ever change or accept the help that they need.....they may make an attempt.......or appear to change for a brief time of it.......but when it comes to long term change.....true change......NO.........rarely are there success stories.    Less than 5% give or take.  Its a choice that they make....and they deliberately choose NOT  to change.   They can....but they CHOOSE NOT.

 

 

Don't accuse me of not finding LOVE, as you know nothing about me.  And I know that you can NOT predict my future or see into my life now.

 

 

I do NOT deal with or believe in "PRINCE CHARMING".........I do NOT deal with FAIRY-TALES, OR FANTASY.

 

And when it comes to Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Power and Control over another person......or a family...............I deal in nothing but the cold hard reality of the situation and the facts.

 

DOMESTIC ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, STALKING ARE ALL VERY, VERY DANGEROUS SITUATIONS THAT AFFECT MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN IN THIS COUNTRY......Its not something that can be explained away.........or not dealt with properly.

 

It is dangerous.

 

It is real.

 

It does not get better.

 

It does escalate.

 

And women and children are losing their lives daily to this CRIME OF POWER AND CONTROL.

 

 

 

It seems many many batterers and abusers are NOT willing to accept the help that is out there for them to grab a hold of.

 

 

 

 

 
August 25, 2006, 10:21 am CDT

Sure, love can overcome some obstacles

Quote From: rjfrench

"Please try to educate yourself in the matters of Abuse, Domestic Abuse, and Violence" ?????

 

I have been in an abusive relationship before- I am no longer with him- but i DO believe that people can be rehabilitated. My dad abused my mother- they overcame it. There IS love that can overcome ANY obstacle. I'm sorry you've never found it, but here's an idea- YOU WON'T if you don't believe in it.

but tell that to the 1300 women killed each year in the United States by husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or ex-boyfriends.  I'm sure they believed in love, too.  By the way, that statistic comes from the Department of Justice's Bureau of Justice Statistics.  That'd be our government.

 

Advocates for battered women and law-enforcement agencies have long known the list of factors that put women in more danger from an abuser:  a history of assault; gun ownership; forced sex; an arrest record; threats of assault, suicide, or homicide, STALKING; an escalation in the seriousness of violence and HIGHLY CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.

 

Let's see now, I seem to recall Ken exhibited one or more of the above behaviors.  Amber's mother was correct in assuming that there was something seriously wrong with their relationship.  Granted, Ken is getting help, but believing in love isn't going to solve the problem.

 
August 30, 2006, 8:13 pm CDT

This show was on again ....again

This show was on again ....again today.

 

I couldn't make myself watch it again.

 

I did catch the ending again.

 

I just don't know what to say.

 

Seems a lot of what folks say falls on deaf ears.

 

And so it goes......

 
August 31, 2006, 2:47 pm CDT

The woman has the biggest problem!

Watched it the first time and COULD  NOT watch it again. It's not the fiance that needed couseling; it was the woman willing to marry him!!! Hello, where was her head? Her brains? Her self-esteem? Her power? She possibly needs more help that he does, although the man is scary and most likely dangerous. Talk about her being hit over the head with one million red flags!!! If she marries him, than she is getting what she wants because EVERYONE has told her all she needs to know about him. Ladies, if they are duds when you are dating (which is supposed to be the best time), than they will be EVEN WORSE duds once you marry them (and vice versa for men)!

 

Wake up, Women. Have some self-respect. Don't marry someone YOU KNOW is a loser just because you're lonely or feeling empty. Get couseling. Get a dog. Get a life. Just don't get married to a loser!!! This advice is coming from a woman happily married for 17 years!!!!!

 
August 31, 2006, 10:42 pm CDT

Right on!

Quote From: flthomcat

Watched it the first time and COULD  NOT watch it again. It's not the fiance that needed couseling; it was the woman willing to marry him!!! Hello, where was her head? Her brains? Her self-esteem? Her power? She possibly needs more help that he does, although the man is scary and most likely dangerous. Talk about her being hit over the head with one million red flags!!! If she marries him, than she is getting what she wants because EVERYONE has told her all she needs to know about him. Ladies, if they are duds when you are dating (which is supposed to be the best time), than they will be EVEN WORSE duds once you marry them (and vice versa for men)!

 

Wake up, Women. Have some self-respect. Don't marry someone YOU KNOW is a loser just because you're lonely or feeling empty. Get couseling. Get a dog. Get a life. Just don't get married to a loser!!! This advice is coming from a woman happily married for 17 years!!!!!

I totally agree with you!  Women attract who they attract based on their level of self-esteem, or, lack, thereof.  And, he is familiar to what she was brought up with.  So, go to counseling to find out if his "interest in you is healthy, or stalk-like behavior".

xyzcandy  

 
September 1, 2006, 11:50 am CDT

Hi Amber!

Amber, I hope you and your little girl are doing okay. I saw the show and I hope Ken gets the help he needs. He has so much pain and I hope his temper is under control. I was wondering if you are still thinking about marrying Ken. What does your Mom have to say about Ken after the show was taped? I was wondering what her thoughts about the show are. Well, I wish the best for you Amber, your Mom, and your little girl! :)
 
September 1, 2006, 12:00 pm CDT

Agree!

Quote From: sayjojo

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW KEN IS DOING AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF THERAPY.  I AM A DEVOTED WATCHER OF DR. PHIL AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY I FIND HIS ADVICE MORE THAN HELPFUL.  HE IS RAW, HONEST, AND WELL VERSED IN HIS FIELD, THEREFORE I TAKE STALK IN WHAT HE SAYS.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW THE YOUNG MAN IS DOING NOW. I WAS SO ANGRY AT HIM WHEN HE FIRST GOT ON THE STAGE, BUT AS TIME WENT ON I COULD SEE HIS PAIN.  I REALIZED HE WAS "DAMAGED GOODS" WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO DEFEND HIMSELF.

 

WHEN DR. PHIL REACH OUT AND SAID KEN WASN'T EVIL; I SAW A SIGN OF RELIEF COME OVER KEN'S FACE.  I WAS IN TEARS WHEN DR. PHIL TOLD HIM HE WANTED TO HELP HIM, IT WAS LIKDE I COULD SEE A LAYER OF THE WALL COMING DOWN THAT KEN HAD BULIT UP.

 

DR. PHIL IS A GODSEND TO MANY PEOPLE. I AM THANKFUL THAT HE AND HIS FAMILY FEEL THE NEED TO REACH OUT TO HELP OTHERS.

I agree! I can not wait to see an update show on Ken and Amber! I hope everyone involved is doing well. Ken has a lot of pain and I hope he gets the help he needs. I can not wait to see the follow-up!
 
September 1, 2006, 3:03 pm CDT

A man in pain!

My wife and I are avid watchers; however, this young man was in a lot of pain and we watched you manipulate him to confess his guilt and accused him of immature behavior; which we agree. In his present state of mind he does have the potential for violence.  YOu sentationalized his cheating and gave her passage; yet they are not married.  Fidelity is important, single or otherwise and if there is a relationship, then fidelity involves both people.  It was distrubing to see you chastise a man who was not capable of making correct choices.  What he has been looking for is: somone to

love and he did so in all the wrong places.  His childhood was stressed, It is questionable if he was ever told that someone loved him.  It never happened to me growing up, so I've been there and can relate to him. It dawned on me one day and I realized, I was looking to be loved and if you have not  been there; you can not relate. I'm a bit older than you and I find it irritating when you know someone in his condition and you expound on his weakness.  You told his girl friend,"you should not marry this man.", What should have been said is:" You should not marry this man until he gets the  help needs and I'm going to get you that help."  Finally, you said you would help him.  Be careful how you attempt to put words in peoples mouths.  You pull no punches and that is great

in many  ways and your there to help and do not be offended when someone does not totally agree

all the time with your tact.  It still a great show.  Thanks Ed

 
September 10, 2006, 12:44 am CDT

My Fiance Stalker

 

    Dr Phil,

 

 

    As far as it go's she got rid of him, at this point he's her finance, wait until he becomes her husband they'll be living in the same house, there he's got any way any how to get ahold of her, and either watch her or worse Harm her, this guy is not playing with a full deck. She's got to have him see a therapist or even get his ass on your show, there you can grill him and get and idea exactly what his intentions are.Look what had happend to Lacy and she was pregnant.

 

 

                                                                                                                         Thomas aka Protect

 

 

 

                                                                  

 
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