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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 14, 2006, 6:02 am CDT

Perception Shapes Our Behavior

Quote From: twizzlers

I had some similar experiences in my life to which this lady is currently going through.  Fortunately, I wasn't engaged to either of the psycho guys.  One of the guys who from my past which was very similar to this stalker guy, I had never dated though he was so obsessed with dating me and I wasn't even allowed to live my life normally without having the fear of him being behind me at all times.  This guy who was just a friend, not a real close friend, had gone as far as calling the operator to do an Emergency Break-thru because I had been on the phone (no call waiting) with a my best friend making plans to go shopping together.  He would call my friends and family and threaten them into telling him where I was living and how he could get in contact with me after I had moved to another city.  His parents had called me "jail-bait", but I was nothing close to being so-called Jail bait as there son was the one so obsessed with me and all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible. 

Now the 2nd guy who I was involved with had been a nice guy in the beginning.  As time went by, he finally worked his way into my life and the longer we had been together the more controlling he would get.  He would make me have caller ID service so that he could screen all my calls and told me who I could and could not speak to.  My friends and family all disliked this guy, but I at the time I was young and stupid with tunnel vision and didn't see anything that everyone else would see. 

He was a Con-Artist, conned me out of so much money, would make me think that I was a horrible person and that I was doing the right thing by supporting him by paying his bills for him.   

As years progressed, things only got worse.  I was afraid to leave him because I had seen what he had done to other people who didn't make him happy.  Finally nearly 5 years of being with the guy, I had the nerve to leave him, scared out of my mind wondering what would happen next.  He went as far as calling the police and filing false police reports on me and constantly hanging out in the parking lot of my apartment building and yelling/whistling for me. 

He tried several attempts to ask people who lived there to let him in as he was worried about his "fiance'", many people didn't by it as they thought if he had a fiance' that he was actually worried about he would have a way to get into the building. 

I feared for my life every time I would go out, I had a hard time leaving my apartment after the break-up without having a friend with me because my ex would always hang out either in the parking lot in his car or behind a tree waiting for me to come out. 

Needless to say, he had a better time getting the police to do things for him then I ever did, which I felt was so unfair.  I was the victim in this relationship not him, he was the one who wanted to control my ever move in my life, tell me when I needed to be home, curse me out when I didn't call him to tell him where I was.   

I no longer live in that state, so he has no way of ever finding where I live. 

When I hear things like this happening to other women, it makes me remember of what I once had to live with and deal with.  It breaks my heart to think why a woman would want to stay with a guy who is such a dirt bag and doesn't deserve her love. 

No woman and I mean no woman deserves to be treated like a piece of meat by some guy who thinks he is all that and feels that he can do anything to a woman and not give a damn about it and how she feels.  

No man who is like this ladies fiance' deserves to have a woman to love him in return. 

My advice, just get as far away as possible.  You have so much evidence of what he has done to you, that you have every right to get a restraining order against him. 

I beg you, from a woman who has been in a controlling abusive relationship, its not worth the headache and long term pain, just get out before it is too late.   You can find love and happiness with a guy who deserves to have you in his life. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Young girls are vulnerable to men such as the one you describe.  What I'm concerned about is you say you had TWO such relationships.  I had a habit of attracting alcoholics.  After the 3rd one, I thought, "What AM I doing wrong?"  I realized that God was going to keep sending me Mr. Wrong until MY EYES WERE OPENED TO MY OWN FEELINGS OF POOR SELF-WORTH.  FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, I realized that the sameness of my behavior was going to get me the same results.  If you even suspect something isn't quite kosher when you meet a guy, walk away before you have to run.  These men are terrorists and cowards.  If the cop on the corner, the green grocer or the postman angered him would he act toward them the way he acted toward you?  Not a chance. So, don't look at what a guy says to you.  They know flattery will get them anywhere with some women.  Look at what the guy does and particularly, how he treats others.  Anyone can be a model citizen for a few hours an evening.  AND MOST IMPORTANT, DON'T CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT A WHOLE PERSON UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A GUY IN YOUR LIFE.  MANY WOMEN LOVE THEIR INDEPENDENCE AND LEARN TO LOVE THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY LET SOMEONE INTO THEIR LIVES.  And if the guy NEVER comes along, NO BIG DEAL.  We have a saying in my ethnic heritage:  "YOU'RE BETTER OFF ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY." 
 
May 14, 2006, 8:08 am CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

I see this as a very unstable man who will go to any length to control this woman.The behaviour will become more increasingly worse should they marry .This abuser need get help"now". 

Whenever there are children involved we don't just have ourself to worry about,Get realistic MOM it's time to take action!let's get the help you need to escape this person.He does need intervention wether that be behind bars.No Person ever has the right to ever make you fear them.I have been feared and I tell you ,NO man will ever be able to do that again,For the love of my children. 

 
May 14, 2006, 10:14 am CDT

He's gota be taken Control of or She's gona get hurt

   

   I viewed your show on obsessed and abusive, As far as he go's he's needs to be watch over as well as her, becuase people who think like him, think the person is Out to hurt them, I've done Personal Protection in the past., But Dr. Phill I truly believe if he's not watch or put into some type institution somebody is going to  get hurt, and its not going to be Him.   

 
May 14, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

This woman needs an intervention!!!!

I'm not sure what sickens me more....the fact that Amber has spent so much time actually QUESTIONING this man's behaviour OR that she is putting herself and her child at risk. 

  

This man is out of control, and in my opinion his behaviour will only escalate to a more dangerous level any and every time he will meet with resistance from Amber. 

  

She needs to get out NOW!!!!   

  

He needs some serious help and councelling before we read about another loss of a woman's life to an abusive man.  

  

The only woman this man is deserving of at this point,is one who  holds the position of a Prison Warden. 

  

I'm just getting all worked up and I haven't seen the show yet...... 

 
May 14, 2006, 4:48 pm CDT

get out!

you can't fix this guy--it will take a team of psychotherapists years of 24/7 therapy. if you don't get out, your daughter will be his next target. sound simple? it is. just get out!
 
May 14, 2006, 4:49 pm CDT

GET OUT

 

You need to get out of this relationship for good. No women should fear their partner or fiance at all 

 
May 14, 2006, 5:48 pm CDT

Step up to the plate.

I, too, was a victim to a dangerous stalker and a couple of people that could have moved further along the continuum had I not called 911 each and every time I felt threatened.  I have had  friends, married and unmarried, that have dealt with this situation, also.  Although I never stuck out a relationship of this type, I know people who have seen their significant others through anger management classes, jail time, etc only to later find themselves back in abuse shelters.  These are people of money and stature in the community.   My question is...Where are the "recovering" abusers in this thread of comments????  All of these victims are posting their experiences and protective advice on this important topic.  I am seriously concerned that there aren't "recovering" offenders speaking up.  There are always outspoken people who have been the "violater" speaking up in AA, NA, Al-Anon, etc.  Does this indicate that there is no recovery to emotional and physical abuse?  If you have ever been the stalker, please step up to the plate and enlighten the rest of us as to how this sick insecurity works.  I understand that the stalker can be male or female.  Can anyone ever be "cured" of this or does this recovery hover in the ranks of pedophilia/sex offender recovery--non-existent?  Should these monsters be locked up for good?  I know I pity anyone who encounters the handful of nutjobs that I have come across.  Always remember:  Rose Madders (Stephen King) 

 
May 14, 2006, 5:56 pm CDT

Possessive Partners

A possessive partner who is capable of violence is one whose behaviour needs to be labled "deal breaker". The victim needs to take whatever steps to put an end to the relationship  and to access to her and her child until and unless that person shows complete change of attitude. The victim also needs to take steps to grow in such a way as to be able to feel that she can stand on her own two feet, be a responsible adult and not so needy as to require someone to look after her. These possessive types can spot someone who initially at least enjoys being looked after and who mistakes possessiveness for love.
 
May 14, 2006, 6:37 pm CDT

Could you believe it?

Quote From: zapatosred

Well, yesterday on the news they interviewed the mother and sister of a 17 yr. old girl and mother of an infant who was killed by her fiance. 3 weeks earlier he had broken her jaw but she went back to him despite their pleadings. Then he went into a rage and stabbed her 86 times. I wasn't sure I heard that right so I listened to the late news report and yes, that was it. At least after that he dropped the baby off at a relatives house before he fled the state,but they arrested him several days later. If you stick around this guy, you might as well pick out a headstone and a casket. Hate to be blunt, but  that's where it will be heading. I hope they can help on the show and you are very lucky for this intervention.Good luck. You deserve to have a life and be safe and your child also. Don't walk down the aisle -run the hell the other way ..
On the latest news, someone from the fiance's family (he was arrested for the above murder of his girlfriend) called the child abuse hotline,claiming the infant was being abused by the murdered girls family. Because hotline calls must be investigated here within 24 hours, the police had to go to the family's house on the day of her funeral. They still had some flowers and things in their car that they were unloading when the police arrived. They are hoping the boyfriend who murdered her will not try and get his family to fight for custody.
 
May 14, 2006, 8:55 pm CDT

run, amber, run!

People can change; however, it often takes much time and much effort to do so.  I think the engagement should be ended for everyone's sake -- most of all the child involved.  Ken, apparently, has some deep-seated issues with trust and trust is a major component in any marriage.  Amber should exhibit some wisdom concerning her own wellbeing and that of her daughter's.  How can anyone possibly "be in love" with someone who acts like this?  It is hard to imagine that he has a multitude of redeeming qualities that would negate his dangerous and destructive behaviors.  --Sounds like Ken is spring-loaded to the ticked off position.  Amber needs to stay with Ken like she needs a hole in her head -- which she just might have if she stays with him long enough.     
 
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