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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 15, 2006, 6:12 am CDT

There's one problem with dumping him

I AGREE, THIS MAN IS TOO DANGEROUS TO STAY WITH.. IT'S EASY TO SAY GET OUT BUT WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID HE WILL FOLLOW YOU AND KILL YOU AND A CHILD, YOU ARE IMOBILIZED WITH FEAR. THIS HAS HAPPENED MANY TIMES.  YOU SEE IT IN THE NEWS ALL THE TIME AND THE 'LAW' DOESNT' PROTECT WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  

EVEN IF SHE GETS RID OF HIM...HE WILL STILL BE THERE BECAUSE OF THAT CHILD. LEGALLY THE STUPID 'LAW' WILL SAY SHE HAS TO LET HIM SEE THE CHILD.  THAT MEANS HELL FOR THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.  SHE WILL CONSTANTLY LIVE WITH FEAR OF WHAT HE MIGHT DO NEXT AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE FORCED TO LIVE WITH THE THREAT HE WILL TAKE THAT CHILD AND DO SOMETHING TO IT!  WHAT A ROTTEN LIFE TO HAVE TO LIVE IN.    HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.  UNLESS  HE  ENDS UP IN PRISON FOR SOME REASON AND EVEN THEN YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MENTAL CASE WILL DO. THE LAW PUTS HER AND THIS CHILD'S LIVES AT RISK!  

  

YOUNG WOMAN, WHAT EVER YOU DO DON'T HAVE A BABY WITH ANY MAN UNTIL YOU KNOW HIM FOR A FEW YEARS...AND MOST ASSUREDLY ....UNTIL YOU ARE AT LEAST MARRIED.   

  

IN THIS CASE DON'T EVER MARRY A SICK MAN LIKE HIM.  THEY SHOW LITTLE SIGNS OF IT FROM THE BEGINNING.  IF A MAN IS SO  JEALOUS OF YOU SMILING OR TALKING TO ANOTHER MALE THEN YOU'VE GOT BIG PROBLEMS AHEAD. IF YOU HAVE HIS BABY...YOU WILL NEVER, NEVER BE FREE OF HIM.  

  

PLEASE GIRLS...AT LEAST USE BIRTH CONTROL..TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR FUTURE!  

 
May 15, 2006, 6:54 am CDT

You are an Object he Posseses

 I got married to my first husband at a very young age, by the time I was 23 years old I had three children and was living a life of hell. I understand that when you meet guys like that they can be very charming. In fact there are many days when they seem to fill all your emotional needs and they are so wonderful those days, that when they turn on you in a unprovoked rage, your head spins in a daze and your left wondering what YOU did wrong. The truth is it is not you. Dr. Phil is found of saying " you create what you fear" Often times guys like him realize in a big way they have deep seeded problems, they fear losing what they own or posses" he who posseses the most toys wins". His fear of losing you is so strong it is dominating his thoughts. You cannot make sense of it because his thinking is Not Rational. I lived with a man like that for twenty years. I went through about 15 years of counseling before I got away, but not without a lot of permanent damage to myself and my children. My suggestion to you, is to go to a shelter, or get as much support from your family, your church, or a domestic violence support group as you can and get out. You cannot change him he must do this himself and if he does not see himself as the problem how can there be any hope?Then, even if he does admit he is the problem, it will take him years to change his behavior and even then he will have relapses. The real question you need to ask yourself ,Is living with this man worth your LIFE? Is it worth ruinning the life of your Child? Right Now these are your choices. My prayers were finally answered, I was very fortunate, I lived.   

   

 
May 15, 2006, 7:45 am CDT

Local Help is available

As a Domestic Violence Counselor and Advocate for a local shelter, I have seen my share of abusers, most of which have the same or very similar characteristics as Amy's abuser. The sad facts, borne out by statistics gleaned from Domestic Violence Fatality Reviews, are that 42% of all murdered women are killed by the same man...their intimate partner. Nearly all of the women murdered by their partners had at least one, usually several previously reported DV incidents. Every day 4 women in the US are murdered by their partners and every 9 seconds, yes 9 seconds, a woman is physically abused in this country. Domestic Violence is a national crisis that is hidden in the shadows--not talked about, not taken seriously enough by law enforcement, judges, healthcare facilities or employers. Battering is the leading cause of injury to women in the US, more than rape, mugging and auto accidents combined, and it's underreported. How many women lie when they get to the ER because loving partner is standing right there? How many devoted husbands call in to the wive's employer when she's "sick?"  And, let's answer the age old question, "why doesn't she just leave?" Nationally, 50% of all homelss women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. The horrible truth is that virtually every county in the United States has an animal shelter for its unwanted dogs and cats, but women who flee domestic violence are forced to fend for themselves and their children with few or no resources at their immediate disposal. Leaving a DV situation safely, with immediate stable housing and financial resources is virtually impossible without a coordinated community response. This includes  judges willing to grant Temporary Protective Orders to victims and their children, law enforcement willing to arrest perpetrators and enforce TPOs, local domestic violence organizations with enough shelters and bed space to safely house victims and their children and local welfare, social service and religious based organizations willing to expedite services to these victims. We've come a long way, baby, but we're not there yet. I applaud Dr. Phil for helping bring this cause to the forefront of America's conscience. In the meantime, anyone who needs help, who is involved in a situation such as Amy's or worse, anyone who knows of a friend or relative who needs help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Trained counselors are available 24/7/365 and can refer you to your nearest domestic violence organization for assistance and advice about leaving, safe haven and resources available in your community.
 
May 15, 2006, 8:16 am CDT

It only get worse!

He will only get worse!  The older my ex husband got the worse he got.  He wasn't physically abusive until the end.  I had lived with the emotional abuse for 15 years (he doesn't think he was abusive at all).   I knew if he ever hit me that  it would be the end and it was.  These jealous, possessive, controlling personalities don't change.  He questioned my every move.  What a sense of freedom to get away.  If you fear your life and the life of your child, you must get away.  I think I stayed in the relationship at first for our kids and for financial security.  I realize now that no amount of money would make it worth staying....our kids were suffering and I had to break the cycle for them.  The only part that I hate is that I am not there to help when he starts in on them during weekend visits.   Take care of yourself and your child....don't give this man the time of day.  He will rob you of your soul and spirit.  You will lose if you stay.     

 
May 15, 2006, 9:54 am CDT

Natural father wants custody

Quote From: zapatosred

On the latest news, someone from the fiance's family (he was arrested for the above murder of his girlfriend) called the child abuse hotline,claiming the infant was being abused by the murdered girls family. Because hotline calls must be investigated here within 24 hours, the police had to go to the family's house on the day of her funeral. They still had some flowers and things in their car that they were unloading when the police arrived. They are hoping the boyfriend who murdered her will not try and get his family to fight for custody.
I got it wrong. Another guy was the father and his family wants custody now that she's dead but had nothing to do with the child while she was pregnant or after it was born. I live in a large metropolitan area but 2 weeks ago, a 17 yr. old broke off a relationship and her boyfriend left her for dead. Well, they read her e-mails and diary and discovered it was her high school teacher she was seeing and he led the police to her body and she was still breathing. She is still in the hospital and they don't know how much she will improve but she was getting a little better. He had been a coach and teacher at several schools. It must be that you have to look for some kind of red flags in the beginning but they probably pick girls they know they can have power over because they couldn't handle someone telling them anything truthful about themselves.
 
May 15, 2006, 10:07 am CDT

Amber and Ken

In my opinion I feel that Amber needs to get her and her baby as far away from Ken as she can, and get a restraining order if nessecary to keep Ken away from them. 

  Ken on the other hand needs a lot of professional help, cause if he does not get this much needed help, he could wind up in  prison for committing a very violent crime or crimes.    Pat Roberts. Annabella, Utah. 

 
May 15, 2006, 11:14 am CDT

when will we learn?

It has been almost 20 years since I got away from my abusive ex-husband.  He was gorgeous and charming for a while.  The emotional abuse started during my pregnancy and the physical abuse started about three years later.  Both my children, now 25 and 23, still remember witnessing it and I do know it affects them to this day.  They both have had, and currently have, issues in relationships and it breaks my heart.  When I was 20 I left California for Arizona with the two kids and he followed me.  Several more separations later, and lots of counseling, some really bad and some good, I finally was able to get rid of him.  I kept "leaving" and he just wouldn't get out.  It was a horrible miserable time in my life.  I called the police and they actually threatened to take me to jail because I fought back!  I still resent that to this day.  I see a lot of stories about women who are, sorry to say it this way, wimpy, and people get on them, "why don't you leave, you need to get out," etc.  They just don't have the tenacity to do it without a lot of help so they stay and take the abuse.  Unless you've been through it you can not possibly know the paralyzing fear you experience.  I'm not a shrinking violet but I was young, depressed, and had very low self esteem, but I took my vows seriously and thought if I just kept loving him enough and trying we would get through it and have that perfect relationship.  So, to all you people who see it and throw out advice for these women to get out, what are you doing to help them?  They need money, a place to stay, a job, childcare, counseling, etc.  And there's no way the multitudes are going to end up on Oprah or Dr. Phil for help.  If you have to say something then back it up with support.  I had a lot of people telling me to get out but there wasn't a lot of support there and I didn't have a lot of resources available to me.  I decided one day that "till death do us part" didn't mean that he got to kill me.  I'd take it up with God later.  I took advantage of everything I could but I still had little money, still had him harassing me and stalking me, and still felt the lowest depression of my life that I had no idea what I was going to do.  It's the same story over and over again, I think we have enough evidence that this is real and there needs to be more help out there for abused women and children.  Why not today, or this week, or this month, make a donation to a local women's shelter, skip a couple Starbucks or cigarettes and really make a difference in someone's life.  All you women out there depressed over your weight, your hair, your nails, that you don't like your wardrobe, take that money you'd have spent on fast food, chocolate, your $60 hairdo, skip a fill in, pack up those clothes and give it to a woman who has nothing.  Or, to the next woman standing at the threshold who is finally able to push herself out the door, that there should be the resources for her to pick herself up and start a better life.  Or, how about writing to your local politicians for them to do the same?  You know, we should really take to heart that saying, "when mom's not happy, no one's happy" and use that to help our fellow man more.  Because if you're sitting there in you're happy home with a decent guy, or are alone and have happiness and peace in your life, you don't know what the smallest gesture can mean to someone who feels lost, unworthy, depressed, lonely, and stricken with the reality that she wants to get out but doesn't know how or, maybe she's gotten away and now what?
 
May 15, 2006, 11:22 am CDT

Take some responsibility please

I have read so many of these replies.  What strikes me so clearly is that a majority of these mainly women (men also)  who have been in these horrific abusive relationships take no responsibility for personal actions.  What I mean is that the abused were and are just as sick as the abuser.  To stay and take this type of sickness, humiliation, pain and hurt again and again says one thing.  "I think absolutely nothing of myself so I will stay and wait for him or her  to change"  

  

I have lived it.  Been beaten, raped, sodomized and humiliated in various ways day after day.  I was just as sick as he was.  And when people tried to tell me that I would shut them out.  STOP BLAMING and admit it,  "The abused are as sick as the abusers, only it comes out in a passive, pathetic, blaming way"  Take responsiblity and maybe then the healing can begin.    

  

Sincerely,  Jo-Anne  

 
May 15, 2006, 2:11 pm CDT

Re: Responsibility

Quote From: summersun

I have read so many of these replies.  What strikes me so clearly is that a majority of these mainly women (men also)  who have been in these horrific abusive relationships take no responsibility for personal actions.  What I mean is that the abused were and are just as sick as the abuser.  To stay and take this type of sickness, humiliation, pain and hurt again and again says one thing.  "I think absolutely nothing of myself so I will stay and wait for him or her  to change"  

  

I have lived it.  Been beaten, raped, sodomized and humiliated in various ways day after day.  I was just as sick as he was.  And when people tried to tell me that I would shut them out.  STOP BLAMING and admit it,  "The abused are as sick as the abusers, only it comes out in a passive, pathetic, blaming way"  Take responsiblity and maybe then the healing can begin.    

  

Sincerely,  Jo-Anne  

  

I was one of the lucky ones that got out. Took me ten years to figure out that things were never going to get better...I would figure out the rules to the game and then, of course, the game would change. I believe in personal responsibity in all things, but sometimes I feel that people need a liferaft to grab onto --  else they'll drown.   

  

The absolute dissolution of self that occurs w/ this is very hard to push through, especially if it's all you've seen or experienced and especially if you're being threatened that you'll never see your child again...   

  

The day that changed my life was when I finally had enough guts to call an abuse hotline. The lady on the other end didn't judge me for not yet being ready to leave.  She just was someone who cared on the other end of the phone who listened and let me know what kind of resources there were out there to help me...  

  

It was the first time in my life that I remember NOT feeling judged.  

  

Saved my life...  

  

Within a few months, I got out.  

  

  

 
May 15, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

living in fear

  

  

I left the father of my children  25 yrs ago and still get chills if I see someone that looks like him and still to this day wonder if he's coming to get me. 

  

  

When they become that controlling and jealous they don't know how to overcome nor do they see anything but their need to control. 

  

I left my family and friends and everything I held dear and moved to Las Vegas, otherwise I knew I wouldn't live.  He was so verbally abusive and the physical abuse was something nightmares are made of.  \ 

  

Back then  it did no good to call the police there was no support in place for women in my position. 

No one would help not the courts not the police,  finally the judge told my lawyer in chambers, Las Vegas would be the place to go because they had no jurisdiction here. 

  

  

I drew the line when he started disappearing with the  children for days at a time. We left with the clothes on our backs and came to Vegas. 

  

Noone should have to be pushed to that extreme. There is a support system out there and women need to know they have places to go.  But  We do need more programs to keep woman and children safe. 

  

I have ideas but dont know how to pursue them.  If anyone knows where I can find the resources or who to contact please let me know.  Noone should have to be forced to leave evrything because of a sick individual/ 

  

But I will say SHE needs to get out and not look back, before its to late. 

  

 
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