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Topic : 08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Number of Replies: 601
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Created on : Friday, May 12, 2006, 10:11:46 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/19/06) Amber says her fiancé, Ken, is out of control with his possessiveness, jealousy and rage. He called her 47 times in just one day. He has punched holes in the wall. He even followed her and rear-ended her car just because she wouldn't pick up the phone. Amber says Ken's behavior is getting worse, and she's beginning to fear for herself and their 1-year-old daughter. Amber's mother, Linda, says she has witnessed Ken's frightening behavior and the effect it has had on Amber, and she wants him out of her daughter's life for good. Dr. Phil intervenes. What is behind Ken's anger, and should this couple call it quits instead of walking down the aisle? Share your thoughts here.

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May 15, 2006, 2:45 pm CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

Quote From: summersun

I have read so many of these replies.  What strikes me so clearly is that a majority of these mainly women (men also)  who have been in these horrific abusive relationships take no responsibility for personal actions.  What I mean is that the abused were and are just as sick as the abuser.  To stay and take this type of sickness, humiliation, pain and hurt again and again says one thing.  "I think absolutely nothing of myself so I will stay and wait for him or her  to change"  

  

I have lived it.  Been beaten, raped, sodomized and humiliated in various ways day after day.  I was just as sick as he was.  And when people tried to tell me that I would shut them out.  STOP BLAMING and admit it,  "The abused are as sick as the abusers, only it comes out in a passive, pathetic, blaming way"  Take responsiblity and maybe then the healing can begin.    

  

Sincerely,  Jo-Anne  

You are so wrong.  Obviously you really werent in a life threatening position, nor were your children or you'd knnow how someone can take over your life. 

 
May 15, 2006, 3:01 pm CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

I was married to a person who similar characteristics.  He had a very violent temper to where he would destroy things in the house.  He would even get so mad at me at times and hold me down.  He would never hit me but he would restrain me to where I could not move.  He too would have to know exactly where I was at every minute of the day.  The only thing was if I were to ask him where he was going or what he was doing then it was none of my business.  I put up with monkey business for about 3 years or so.  I finally told him he needed help but he said that it would not help him out one bit, so I filed for divorce and moved to my mom's house.  He then started to go to counseling and we are now slowly trying to work things out but it is very slow. 
 
May 15, 2006, 5:25 pm CDT

Has this guy lost his mind?!?

i cannot believe this guy! i remember watching the  commercials for the show and i thought to myself is this really what todays guys are coming too??? this girl needs to run away as fast as POSSIBLE! i hope Dr. Phil tells her that! I am just over whelmed... i mean if i was in this siuation i would of been gone ALONG TIME AGO! i feel like women today are so trusting and think that i guy will change with time or, i can make him change... but thats not the case at all. i dont care what you do if a man does not want to change he wont, and girls need to realize that they cannot save them... but i would of never thought that a stalker could be her fiance. i think she needs to get out of the siutation before it turns deadly.
 
May 15, 2006, 5:36 pm CDT

05/19 My Fiancé is a Stalker

As Dr. Phil always says "it's a done deal"!!!!! 

 
May 15, 2006, 5:56 pm CDT

Posted bond

Quote From: zapatosred

I got it wrong. Another guy was the father and his family wants custody now that she's dead but had nothing to do with the child while she was pregnant or after it was born. I live in a large metropolitan area but 2 weeks ago, a 17 yr. old broke off a relationship and her boyfriend left her for dead. Well, they read her e-mails and diary and discovered it was her high school teacher she was seeing and he led the police to her body and she was still breathing. She is still in the hospital and they don't know how much she will improve but she was getting a little better. He had been a coach and teacher at several schools. It must be that you have to look for some kind of red flags in the beginning but they probably pick girls they know they can have power over because they couldn't handle someone telling them anything truthful about themselves.
The teachers family showed up today and posted an $80,000 bond . He was released but on conditions and has to remain at home. I think he has the ankle bracelet thing. The girl  still has serious brain injuries so they don't know.  They will know if he leaves the house. He went to a country dance bar after he thought he had killed her and they had him on video dancing because they film it for a TV show.
 
May 16, 2006, 3:42 am CDT

there is help for this couple

I for one feel that there is hope for this couple. I think the problem is not a recent matter. There is a chance that guy developed this behaviour from a young age. Whenever things do not go your way, you tend to get obsessive with the ones you are left with. The reason why he is acting like this is because he wishes that he could control her to make sure that there are no chances of him getting hurt by her or her living him. He has to learn to trust her, and she has to also keep calling him and just talking small things in order to reassure him that he is still in her mind. Like Dr. Phil says, sometimes we think that the problem is one person and we make him or her a sacrificial lamb to the psychological gods. They must work hand in hand to ensure a safe and assured environment, not only for them but also for the child they have. 

Keketso   from South Africa 

 
May 16, 2006, 7:02 am CDT

Be a talker not a Stalker

The guy has a problem. He has a woman that said "I do" and still he has this ridiculous teenager mental dilemma that she's hooking with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Being a green eye monster is no way to communicate his inability to accept her ability to talk with other men. He has to accept that his mind is taking him places his heart doesn't want to go. He said "I do" and she said "I do" and this means that each one does trust the other-and he's forgetting that.
 
May 16, 2006, 10:11 am CDT

RUN

My ex was flowers every friday, romantic dinners until we got married and then he portrayed the same symptoms your fiance is showing.  It took me 5 years to get out, he threw my 2 yr old son head first threw a wall before I woke up.  They get worse once you say I do, I worked for the police dept and saw it every day.  Love is not supposed to hurt, get out now before you are headline news. He will hurt you and or your daughter, if you don't do something now.  These type of guys beat women down to make themselves feel better, (yes he will cry "baby I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I won't do it again I love you blah blah blah.).but each time it gets worse and worse.  Mine told me I was fat, stupid, no one wants a woman with 3 kids, that I'm stuck with him forever or he would kill me and my kids....I believed him.  Get a restraining order, Legal Aid will help you prepare one for free, file it will all local law enforcement agencies, move ...do whatever you have to, to get away from this guy. God created us from man's rib for him to love and protect us, not from his heel for him to walk all over us 

  

Please don't make the same mistakes I did, don't marry this guy,  you don't want your daughter growing up thinking this is how life is supposed to be!  Don't become a statistic....RUN while you still can  

 
May 16, 2006, 11:04 am CDT

Run if you have to

My husband had locked me in the bedroom through his jealousy and possessiveness.  I was not able to go to the bathroom at all.  He was working a shift on Premier Diamond Mine in Cullinan, South Africa, so would not be home for quite a while.  Out of desperation, I squeezed through the burglar bars on our bedroom window, bruising myself all over my body, just to get out.  I fell victim to his words of love and went back.  The marriage only lasted 4 years and 12 days before I finally realized, I do not want this.  The daughter we had was 18 months old at the time I made a decision to finally leave.  Did it get better, no!  Could it have changed with an intervention, maybe.  There are serious issues this man will have to face should he want to keep the relationship going, and not get married before he has been assessed and faced his demons.  Some men will go through the motions of change, but cannot wait to make the committment to get even.  It is my hope that Dr. Phil can help this relationship, he will know what is best.
 
May 16, 2006, 4:32 pm CDT

Some things to consider

There are certainly enough posts here already relating personal experiences with violence and abuse. I won't add mine. Instead, I'd like to share a few insights based on my experience and that of others I've known.  

  

First, I agree with the previous posters commenting that the why's of Ken's behavior are a side issue. Alternatively, one could say that this show is really two issues crammed into one show. Likely it's bigger than that, even. It's been my experience and my observation in knowing of other similar, abusive relationships that these do not derive from, evolve within, or exist in a vacuum. The backgrounds, unmet needs, and coping strategies of all concerned deserve to be examined.   

  

It takes a unique individual to be attracted to --or held by-- an abusive personality. Drama can be mistaken for intensity, jealousy and possessiveness can be mistaken for loyalty or a healthy need. Also, when love is not modeled in a caring, stable, and affection passion within one's family of origin, it's difficult to know how love feels and behaves, and how it is given and received on a daily basis. I cannot stress this enough.  

  

I'll stop here... just food for thought. Breaking an abusive relationship is just half of a first step. The real work begins after. I wish Amber the best of luck on her journey.  

 
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