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Topic : Dealing with the Added Stress

Number of Replies: 159
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:57:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"Having a new baby really has added stress to my life." Sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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November 19, 2006, 9:20 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: snglmom23

I am a single mother of a 9 month old son, Jaden. His father, upon learning I was pregnant, decided he wanted nothing to do with us. He gave me the option to have an abortion or he would leave. I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I have not heard from him since. I am running into several conflicts at this point in my life. I work full time, and have Jaden in full time daycare. Money is tight, and this is a constant stretch for me. We have a stable home, and everything we need, so I feel good about that. I am concerned about how to handle things with my son. I know it will be hard for him not having his father in his life. Is there anyone who can offer advice on how to tackle this already difficult situation?
I think if you love and respect your son, be honest with him and talk postive about his dad then he should be ok. Yea, chances are he is gonna ask questions, just let him know that  his daddy didn't know how to be a daddy and he decided to go away but that you are thankful that you have him and you want him to be happy.

I think exposing him to good male role models is a good thing, I did not have good father figure in my life at all, my dad left when I was around 5 or so, I personally have never asked questions about him, it was jus ta  part of life. He is used to not having a fatehr so really, he isn;t gonna miss it, especially if he has those male role models. I wouldn't stress over it, he is so young, enjoy him, take things one day at a time and be as positive as you can.

And I am glad to hear that you did not abort the baby, I personally think that would have been a cop out and in the end, the guy probably would not have stayed, guys like that usually don't, and if he did, he would have continues to manipulate and use you and you would not have been happy. Thank you for choosing life for your unborn baby.
 
November 19, 2006, 9:21 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: b_baynard

My husband has his own landscaping business hes off working all the time.

 

I'm a stay at home mom.  I take care of the pets and are 8 month old.  I also keep the house up and do most of the cooking.  I've been doing this since are baby was born it was stressful at first but I just got used to it I geuss.  I'm the type of person that has to stay busy anyway.  Yeah there is times when I bought want to pull all my hair out but it sure is nice when the baby takes a after noon nap I take my down time.  What I'm doing right now :)

It's good to take down time, if we don't take care of us, then our children will suffer. 
 
November 21, 2006, 9:43 am CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: jettav

I think if you love and respect your son, be honest with him and talk postive about his dad then he should be ok. Yea, chances are he is gonna ask questions, just let him know that  his daddy didn't know how to be a daddy and he decided to go away but that you are thankful that you have him and you want him to be happy.

I think exposing him to good male role models is a good thing, I did not have good father figure in my life at all, my dad left when I was around 5 or so, I personally have never asked questions about him, it was jus ta  part of life. He is used to not having a fatehr so really, he isn;t gonna miss it, especially if he has those male role models. I wouldn't stress over it, he is so young, enjoy him, take things one day at a time and be as positive as you can.

And I am glad to hear that you did not abort the baby, I personally think that would have been a cop out and in the end, the guy probably would not have stayed, guys like that usually don't, and if he did, he would have continues to manipulate and use you and you would not have been happy. Thank you for choosing life for your unborn baby.

I didn't really have my father in my life either. He was around until I was 8, but I never felt like his daughter. He was very negative about my mother and my step-father, and it was difficult for me to be around that. My mother, to this day, has never said a negative thing about my father, and has always been there for support.

 

I agree with regards to abortion. I have respect for each person's right to chose, but for me, it was not right. And I have to say, my son is probably the best thing in my life. I love him more than anything, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

 

In terms of his father, I hope I can be for Jaden what my mother was for me. A strong positive role model and mother. My son has a great loving family, and tons of people there supporting him.

 

Thank you so much for the advice in a difficult situation.

 
February 7, 2007, 12:49 pm CST

Not sure where to post this, so I hope this is alright. I'm new to this board but I love Dr. Phil and Robin. Great people. ? = re: family relationships w/ new baby and chaos going on...please help?!!?!

Hey! So I'm not sure where to post this message so I hope this catergory is alright? I am not sure where to go right now. Maybe I just need to vent, but I was told you can ask ?'s here and some people are pretty open. What do you think Dr. Phil would say?

 

My problem is...over the last few months I've been through hell with my baby's father and his sister. He hasn't seen his daughter despite my inviting requests and the sister only became my friend after I invited her to my party and my own family told me I couldn't trust her. I befriended her because she was my baby's father sister.  She had other motives to meeting me and didn't ginuinely ever want to be involved with me or my daughter.  She was just out to see if I would go after him for child support.  Which isn't any of her business.  The father and i have handled our business with custody, visits and support but to the sister it's only about money, power, and control just like her father.  According to her real mom they are spoiled with money and have treated her not very good saying she has trumatized them for life.  However, their dysfunctions and dynamites are not my issues and I don't care to know about them. 

 

The father who is 28 years old hasn't made no effort or attempt at all to see his child, which is fine, no worries, I ain't gonna make him do what he doesn't want to do, especially after he requested to give up his rights but it didn't get him out of child support...sadly that is what this is all about....he didn't want to pay the state minimum and his sister has threatened me from day one with false accusations of harassment etc...when I don't even talk to her, her brother, family or friends. I'm not even friends with them.  I have full physical and legal custody of my daughter and father still choses to not make any contact.  That's only his loss and one day my daughter will see what he has done and who know maybe it will be her that has the say so in what she wants.  Untill than....it's me and her and i'm her voice and support and I"ll do everything i can and more to give her everything she needs!!! 

 

Should I cut the sister off and tell her not to contact me again. I would like to tell the father of my child that but i don't want to take my babys right away of ever knowing her biological father
or take his right of knowing her...but i guess he is doing the loss on him by not wanting to see his child huh? To be honest, i have enough people and role models in my family where she will know the truth about him and she'll grow up to be a well adjusted beautiful woman where she may end up being the one to decide what she wants and she may say she doesnt' want him....guess he is doing it to himself....huh? Should I cut the sister loose and tell her to never contact me again or just keep igoring her accusations?


One more thing...what's interesting is that away back ago the sister told me she didn't want me in her life or her brothers and accused me of going after him for money...hello? child support is for the child? anyways.....i didn't sleep with her she really has no right talking to me like the way she does and threatening me. Now in this most recent email of accusations she saids in the end her door is always open to me...after i told her i don't shut people out...She's trying to make herself sound like that better person huh? Playing that game. what should i tell her and say?

 
 
February 9, 2007, 3:32 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: dancelikethat

Hey! So I'm not sure where to post this message so I hope this catergory is alright? I am not sure where to go right now. Maybe I just need to vent, but I was told you can ask ?'s here and some people are pretty open. What do you think Dr. Phil would say?

 

My problem is...over the last few months I've been through hell with my baby's father and his sister. He hasn't seen his daughter despite my inviting requests and the sister only became my friend after I invited her to my party and my own family told me I couldn't trust her. I befriended her because she was my baby's father sister.  She had other motives to meeting me and didn't ginuinely ever want to be involved with me or my daughter.  She was just out to see if I would go after him for child support.  Which isn't any of her business.  The father and i have handled our business with custody, visits and support but to the sister it's only about money, power, and control just like her father.  According to her real mom they are spoiled with money and have treated her not very good saying she has trumatized them for life.  However, their dysfunctions and dynamites are not my issues and I don't care to know about them. 

 

The father who is 28 years old hasn't made no effort or attempt at all to see his child, which is fine, no worries, I ain't gonna make him do what he doesn't want to do, especially after he requested to give up his rights but it didn't get him out of child support...sadly that is what this is all about....he didn't want to pay the state minimum and his sister has threatened me from day one with false accusations of harassment etc...when I don't even talk to her, her brother, family or friends. I'm not even friends with them.  I have full physical and legal custody of my daughter and father still choses to not make any contact.  That's only his loss and one day my daughter will see what he has done and who know maybe it will be her that has the say so in what she wants.  Untill than....it's me and her and i'm her voice and support and I"ll do everything i can and more to give her everything she needs!!! 

 

Should I cut the sister off and tell her not to contact me again. I would like to tell the father of my child that but i don't want to take my babys right away of ever knowing her biological father
or take his right of knowing her...but i guess he is doing the loss on him by not wanting to see his child huh? To be honest, i have enough people and role models in my family where she will know the truth about him and she'll grow up to be a well adjusted beautiful woman where she may end up being the one to decide what she wants and she may say she doesnt' want him....guess he is doing it to himself....huh? Should I cut the sister loose and tell her to never contact me again or just keep igoring her accusations?


One more thing...what's interesting is that away back ago the sister told me she didn't want me in her life or her brothers and accused me of going after him for money...hello? child support is for the child? anyways.....i didn't sleep with her she really has no right talking to me like the way she does and threatening me. Now in this most recent email of accusations she saids in the end her door is always open to me...after i told her i don't shut people out...She's trying to make herself sound like that better person huh? Playing that game. what should i tell her and say?

 
I would kick em all to the curb and have nothing else to do with them. The fatehr is making his choices so let him. the sister just needs to get a life and stay ou tof your business, but of ocurse chancesa re that will not happen. Honeslty if it were me, I wouldn't even contact him or her any more, documetn everything, encluding every time he misses child support payments. chances are, eventuallyhe will come around and want to see his daughter and may even attempt to fight for custody, whatever, happens a lot, but by documenting, you will have something in front of you. if you are lucky, they will just all leave you alone and stay out of your business, they don't care about you or your daughter which is their loss not yours. I grew up without a father and i am a very well adjusted adult, have done well for myself, had some great role models and teachings and your daughter is the most imporant person right now, concentrate on her, do what you feel to do but over all, I would suggest you stop contacting these people, you owe the nothing.
 
February 26, 2007, 5:58 am CST

I Know

Quote From: snglmom23

I am a single mother of a 9 month old son, Jaden. His father, upon learning I was pregnant, decided he wanted nothing to do with us. He gave me the option to have an abortion or he would leave. I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I have not heard from him since. I am running into several conflicts at this point in my life. I work full time, and have Jaden in full time daycare. Money is tight, and this is a constant stretch for me. We have a stable home, and everything we need, so I feel good about that. I am concerned about how to handle things with my son. I know it will be hard for him not having his father in his life. Is there anyone who can offer advice on how to tackle this already difficult situation?

I know exactly how you feel. When I was just 16yrs old I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, my boyfriend said who's it, and I was crushed. I never saw any of the warning signs for him, he started cheating more, he became more abusive. Every good man says well you're stupid for not leaving him, well it's not easy when you are told constantly that you're not good enough for anything else. Anyway over time things got worse, he threatened me when he didn't like her name, he even threatened at one point to kick me in the stomach till we were both dead. One time he head-butted me so hard I couldn't see just b/c I wouldn't let his friends come over when my mom was gone. Being stupid and now 17yrs old with a new baby I still was there with him. My mom made many attempts to get through everything and she had enough, kicked him out, and told him if he ever came back she would have him arrested. He took off with her at one time, and I knew then things are going to get ugly, but I still was blind. The last time I saw Him he hit me in front of my daughter and I thought if he is going to hit me he's going to hit her too. That was the end of it, he has not seen her since she was 2 months old and that was almost 11yrs ago. He only held her once and when he did she threw up on him the sweetest moment of my life was that point. Then when I was 23yrs old I became pregnant again in hope that this time it would be different, but sadly it wasn't. Dad told me to get an abortion and he was Catholic, nice huh. Basically he wanted nothing to do with him and here I have a 11yr old and a 4 1/2 yr old neither one of them had dad's for a long time.

 

In April of 2005 I started getting fed up with the on line dating thing, there wasn't any good men out there no matter where I looked, libraries, clubs, through work, I just couldn't find it, so I was giving up hope for my kids and the sake of a love life. At 26yrs old I was giving up until I met Dusty through on line dating sites. He has 2 boys as well, and we had so many things in common that it was crazy, it was one of those it's to good to be true. After about a month of talking he didn't come on line anymore, I thought here I spent all this time getting to know him and now he's just gone. So here I was giving up again, until one day he was on line, and I asked him what happened and he told me that he forgot to pay his bill and was very sorry and we started talking again. So from late April till late June we talked a lot, always talked about meeting but never did, he had things going on where he was and I understood, well kind of. Finally in the last week of June I said okay enough I am going to go there and see him, and even though it was one night it was the start of something I never thought was going to happen to me. I feel in love with him, he was everything I wanted and more. Here we are 2yrs later and we are married, have 4 kids with a 5th on the way, sometimes it's not exactly a happy time, but everyone faces battles.

 

I know this is a little stretch from what you're looking for, but I wanted to explain, I understand about feeling alone and not having much. I had nothing for so many years with men coming and going, I had a bad incident with one of the people I dated, he hurt my son and I am now finding out more, and the police closed the case months well over a year ago. I never had any money I was out there living off other people, I couldn't good enough daycare, I couldn't find a job where they understood if one of my kids were sick, it was terrible. Housing assistance, food stamps, AFDC, you name it I was on it. Then when I met my husband, I can't say money got better b/c it didn't, but love is something money can't price. We're struggling, and we ended up having to move out of our 2,000sq. ft. town home to something more reasonable, smaller, but reasonable. There is always something you can do, when I was alone we never had cable, we never had a phone, we had just what we needed and my kids didn't complain once about it, it was hard seeing everyone else with everything I didn't, but I made it.

 

As far as the dad thing, well I have had to talk to my 11yr old about it and she doesn't as of now want anything to do with him and that's okay with me. I of course couldn't explain it when she was young, I had to tell her that her dad wasn't a very nice man and someday when she was old enough I would explain more to her and it was fine to her. She has never but once asked where or who was her dad and that was when she was almost 10yrs old. She decided on her own that she didn't want anything to do with him. Now when she is older it will be her choice to find out what she wants to do about meeting him, but I don't want her to be disappointed either. My son has never asked, my husband took over the dad roll, never pushing him to have him call him dad, and that's ll my son knows is that my husband his dad, and that's okay to for me. When you have 2 men who could care less about a child and then there is someone there who will take over and say you know I want to be there dad it's wonderful. There are good men out here and I thank god that I found one who loves my kids more than anything in this world. I wouldn't worry to much right now, just take this time to think about how you're going to talk to him about it. I wouldn't talk bad about his dad, but I would explain later that he made the choice to leave, and make Jaden knows this is not his fault in any way, that there are some people who are just not willing to take responsibility. You never know someday dad could come around, and that would be okay as long as dad is a good person. Money can be tight and I know how you feel when you're struggling to make ends meet, but you know he should have to help even though he made the decision not to stick around. Call your local child support office and get things rolling, it takes a little time, but he helped make this precious baby he can help raise him as well even though he doesn't want to be there to watch him grow, you know?? You know you can probably qualify for help with the state for a lawyer, I can't remember what it's called, but there is help out there you just have to find it. Don't give up, there will come a time when things are much easier for you, and I pray that in time it will get better. Don't make the same mistakes I did, keep going, keep fighting to raise your son, it's all you can do b/c you don't want to give up.

 
February 27, 2007, 7:50 am CST

moms

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will
tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you
enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom,
and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.


I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must
learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm
glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids
ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all
times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She
had to know who our friends were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve
to break the Child Labour Laws by making us work We
had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to
cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash
and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie
awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time
we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn
when they drove up. They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them. While everyone else could
date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16 .

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of
things other kids experienced. None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean
parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
 
April 12, 2007, 5:17 pm CDT

I am very grateful

My son is 6 months old...He has been sleeping all night since he was about 5 weeks old...Before that, my husband and I were the ones to wake him to feed him because of his small size..He was 5 lbs 9 oz and lost 5oz right off the bat...The doctor didn't want him loosing any more weight....He is just the perfect baby..Sleeps 8-9 hrs every night...Only cries when he is tired or recently because he is teething..I am pregnant again with baby number two and I am wondering if I will be this lucky the second time around...I think one reason why he sleeps so well is because my husband and I have established a bedtime routine for him..We turn on his light show, turn on his soft music, turn on his night light, kiss him goodnight a few times and walk out and close the door...I think establishing a routine every night has really taught him when it's play time and when its bed time...We are very very lucky...
 
April 18, 2007, 7:31 am CDT

Not a single Mom, but might as well be

I am a Mother of an 8 month old son, Gavin. He is a great baby. Always laughing and smiling. He has had his share of sickness, which is awful for any child, let alone a baby. Now he is teething and that is terrible. He has 2 teeth on the bottom and is cutting 2 more on top. Sleep is something I cherish since I do not get much of it. His dad and I are still together but I do not get any help from him. He is 35, I am 22. My days are crazy. I get up at 5:30 shower, get ready, get Gavin ready, take him to the sitter, work 8 or more hours, leave work at 3, pick up Gavin, run any errands that need to be done, go home and decide what to have for dinner, do any dishes that have been dirtied throughout the day, feed Gavin, lay him down for a nap when he needs one, cook dinner, eat if I have time (sometimes my meals are cold), clean up dinner dishes and the kitchen, give Gavin his bath and a bottle before bed time, put him to sleep, clean up his toys, get his stuff ready for the next day, then go to bed (usually its 11:30 before this happens). Oh, I forgot to mention I change diapers and clean up spit up when that happens all while I am doing these other tasks. Gavin's dad is there through all of it and do you think he helps? NO. He usually sleeps all day b/c he works the midnight shift. Every once in a while he cooks dinner. But not too often. He hasn't done the dishes since I was pregnant and on bed rest. He does laundry and takes out the garbage. Thats it. He will play with Gaivn for maybe 15 minutes a day. My little boy adores him for some reason. I don't know how, or why. He does not see him that much so maybe in his little mind he cherishes the time spent with him. I don' t really know why Ryan and I are still together. I think it's because I know what it is like to not have a father around and I do not want that for my son. A part of me still loves Ryan. So does anyone have any advice for me? I have tried to tell Ryan my thoughts but he tells me its his way or no way, and if I don't like it I know where the door is. Great guy, huh. He would throw out his own child. What am i gonna do???
 
April 25, 2007, 6:08 pm CDT

My new baby

I recently had a baby girl, named Sarah. She was 2 months early and has a number of problems and a number of surgeries in her short little life. She is not allowed to ever lay flat because she has reflux and can aspirate. She has had 4 surgeries in her throat already and has been in and out of the NICU many times. The complications she was born with have, unfortunatly, never before been seen by any medical professional. So, basically, this is just a trial and error process to find out what will work for her. Sarah is in so much pain sometimes that she will scream for hours. The stress is unbearable. I also have a 4 year old son at home and a husband who recently left because of the stress. Also, my grandmother died a week before she was born, and I found out my grandfather has cancer a couple days ago. I am wondering if any one has ideas on how to deal with stress because I am not doing such a good job at the moment. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you!!!!!
 
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