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Topic : Dealing with the Added Stress

Number of Replies: 159
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:57:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"Having a new baby really has added stress to my life." Sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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March 7, 2006, 1:35 pm CST

feeling good about being a mom

taking care of children and the home isn't always easy as there are always going to be set backs which is basically true in just about everything we do in this life. All of us at one time or another I am sure have dreamed about what it would be like to be a mom, to have several kids and even a husband to take care of. Managing a home and family is definelty not as easy as we have dreamed it to be but for me persoanlly I have foundthat being stressed makes things worse then what they really are and I have had to learn how to make some changes within myself...................I am no longer a perfectionist. Having a clean home doesn't mean that everything has to be perfect, my family is more imporant then having finished tasks. It isn't going to hurt the dishes to sit in sink fora day and it isn't gonna hurt if a load of laundry isn't put a away right away. It is nothing for hubby to come home in the evening and the dinner is quite ready and maybe not even started, whatever, he is a big boy and he can pop something in the microwave for himself if need to..........older children can be helpers with siblings, toddlers as well. A toddler can help by getting a diaper, can help by drying off the baby with mommy, can help play with the baby, can help bottle feed the baby, this can help the older child to feel very imporant and included in the life of his/her sibling. family nights are very imporant, order out once in a while and use paper plates. take the family to a restaurante that has a play area for the kids. They love things like that. And parents need to know that it is ok to take a breather, plop the kids in front of a good 30 minute video and then you the parent go read a chapter ina book, make a phone call, whatever. Hire a babysitter for a couple of hours if needed and take your self out. I love my days that I take myself out for lunch and go do my work out. Absolutely nothing wrong woith some "me" time. Parents with very young children can go to play groups, MOPS is a good program, it is a Christian based group that usually meets in churches once or twice a month and the kids got o their classes and do simple little crafts and bible stories and the mommies are int heri group interacting, craffting, a devotional whatever. It does cost a little but well worth the time and money and there are ways of getting it for free, just ask.Go to www. MOPS.com and see what you think. In some areas there is also Parents as teachers group where there is a leader and the parents play and interact witht heir kids as well and the leader will do stories and whatever. I don't know much about that but have attended a few meetings, ours in y area unfortuanetly lost their funding but I am sure there is a website that may have some info.............ANy way, I know that all this might sound like easier said then done but I think most things fall into that category. It isn't easy parenting at times but it certainly is a blessing and a wonderful gift and if parents could woprk together and concentrate on the good things that paretning brings then it doesn't have to be all stressfula nd when the stress does come, we need to learn that it ok for mommies to take a breather. sit the kids down at the table and do a craft with them or prepare the stuff for older kids and leave the room while they are working ontheri projects, sitting and reAding to the kids is an excellent reliever for me. These are just a few things that have helped me along my parenting journey, I love being a mom and thankfully I have never had the regrets but I know that all of us are differnet and our kids are different from one another but again for me, I had to learn that I do not need to be a perfectionist and all stressed to be a good mom and ever since I let go, things have been awesome in my home and again, I know it is easier said then done at times but it is possible to enjoy this wonderful task of parenting but we have to be good to ourselves in the process................
 
March 7, 2006, 3:29 pm CST

Dont be so hard on yourself

Quote From: k_dudley

Is there anyone else out there who always wanted to be a parent and now that they are they are absolutely miserable?

My first son (who will be 3 in June) was born 4 weeks early and was an intense baby right from the start.  There were stretches where I would go 48 hours with only 20 minutes of sleep, total.  He went from an intense baby to a spirited toddler and continues to be so. 
Then our second son came along.  We weren't thrilled because we didn't know how we could possibly parent another baby who could be as intense as our first, while trying to raise a very spirited toddler.  Everyone reassured us that the second baby's personality would be completely different from the first, the first baby was so extreme that the second couldn't possibly be as difficult, etc.

Second baby arrives.  First 2 weeks were a dream.  Then all hell broke loose.  He is now 6 months old and just now starting to sleep a little more than 30 minutes at a time, smiling  more, etc. 
Our spirited toddler has been acting out A LOT trying to get attention because the 6 month old has been taken up all of our time. 

I get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day - not in one stretch.  Hubby has taken on 1 (one) night time waking durng the last 6 months. I haven't been nursing since about 4 months so he could take on more, but he says he has such a hard time going back to sleep and I believed that it wouldn't be fair since he is working and going to school.  If I hear one more complaint about how tired he is after 8 hours of full sleep I think I'll scream! I can't nap during the day because the 3 year old is up.  I hae ve taken the kids to the childcare at the healthclub so that I could take an exercise class, but the staff had to hunt me down and tell me how badly my baby was "freaking" out and that I had to remove him.  When I went to get him, I thought to myself "Oh this is nothing.  He is just starting to work up to what I deal with all day long."

I work 20 hours a week from home for my in-laws. I want to quit but my husband seems to think that we really need the money.  If I quit he plans on looking for an additional job - he works 40 hours a week making a more than decent wage as well as he is working on his MBA.  I don't want him to take on more work, I want him home to help me out as much as he can, spend time together, etc. 
I've hired a high school girl to come and help out several days a week for a few hours each day while I go to a coffee shop and work.  Ironically, must adults cannot handle being with my infant for more than 20 or 30 minutes without handing him back to me dripping sweat, disheveled, saying "Something is wrong with him.  Why does he cry so much?"  This high school senior perserveres with my kids.  Although I come home and she too is dripping sweat and frazzled, she doesn't complain and comes back again the next day to do it all over again.  At the coffee shop I end up not really working but messing around on the computer because this is the only time I have to myself.  Therefore, I have a hard time justifying keeping the babysitter around to my husband because I end up staying up until midnight working anyway. 

Before I had kids I wanted so badly to be a mother.  I'm one of those people who is patient beyond patient with children and children are drawn to me.  I had no illusions about parenting being fun, easy, a joy, etc. 100% of the time.  I went into this with my eyes wide open.  Ironically, I used to teach parenting classes, work with families in distress, teaching in preschool classrooms.  I am now one of those families and I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even remember what I taught.  It is one of those cases where I was an expert on something that I really knew nothing about. 

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom but now I truly believe that our children would be better off in childcare.  At least they could spend a few hours a day with a mom that wasn't completely burned out, exhausted and at her wits end.  I feel that I would be a much better parent and would appreciate my children more if I were working full-time.  But, I keep telling myself, this is gonna get easier, this is gonna get better. 

If I would have had a crystal ball 10 years ago and saw what kind of a duo my husband and I would be together as parents, and what I would be like as a parent with the children that fate dealt me, I think I would have made other choices and moved to a remote island far, far away.  But, I cannot turn back the hands of time, so I'm trying my hardest to make the best of a situation that is quite difficult.

I write this half laughing at myself and half crying.  Oh yeah, my midwife insisted that I remain on zoloft throughout my pregnancy and at least until our baby is 9-12 months old (I was put on Zoloft for PPD with our first son).  My health insurance no longer covers Zoloft and when I went to pick up my refill awhile back it was now going to cost $80 a month, which we don't have.  So, I've been switched to Paxil.  I have had to titrate off of Zoloft down to zero, and I just started Paxil today.  Hmmm.....maybe this has something to do with my extreme anger and depression?  I know it does, but how do I get through this until I feel better and my kids get a little easier, if ever?

I know that this is a barrel of random thoughts and frustrations that I have posted.  Gramatically incorrect, misspelled words, unrelated sentences, etc.  I just need to vent and I want to know if there is anyone else out there who so very much wanted to be a good parent and now hates being a parent and if broken-hearted by this this fact.






When I read your msg, it is enlightening for myself as well....You have A LOT on your plate and you need a break.  I can feel your exhaustion in your posting.  When I  look back and my and my kids worst moments, I can say it's true what Dr. Phil refers to as "mirroring".  My kids best days were my best days and thier worst days were my worst days.....but they didn't make them that way...I did.  When I am patient andunderstanding, they are cooperative and helpful and happy.   When I respond to situations in a volatile manner, so then do they.  I try to remind myself of that when I feel it coming on.  But it is difficult to be rational when you are tired.  I know because neither one of my children have slept thru the night - EVER.  I get really tired of others offering me what I haven't done right and textbook solutions for such things.  My only rule is that there are no steadfast rules, every child is different and we have to be flexible.  I know one other thing too, and it's obvious your frustration/anger/rage (as well as mine ) is rooted in other pressures/expectations.  There is a monthly newsletter (tied to your childs age in years and months) out there that I find helpful in understanding thier behaviors.  It is very eye opening and called Growing Child.  It discusses parenting as well.  I flag the articles that hit home and have my husband read them too.  We have a code phrase too when he or I start to lose it to remind us that it's not really something to get upset about.  I try repeating it to myself when he's not around to say it but it's not the same.  The other thing I do it limit my expectations to do one task a day instead of 10.  That way I feel I accomplish something instead of nothing and am cutting myself a break too.  I had to quit working because it was too hard to take care of kids, house, hubby, dogs, and work too.  We have had to cut back financially but it is worth it to me.  If a mom has to work, then she is entitled to as much help as she can enlist.  I hope maybe something I have said can help.....Wishing I had the answers - for you and me....BTW, it got a little easier for me when I could begin to reason my 3 yr old....hopefully you will turn that corner soon. 
 
March 13, 2006, 10:45 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: jettav

It takes balance and working together to make a family work. Sounds like your husband can't accept the fact that there is some one else in fold and that is so sad he is missing out on a lot. Do you have date nights? Times when it is just you and your husband? Does he ever help with the baby or is it always up to you to care for him I think him running to another woman is just a cop out not to accept the baby and not to help out he has a serious problem and it sounds like he needs to get some professional help and maybe the same for you. If the both of you want a happy and healthy marriage and family then priority has to be set and you have to be willing to work together on this. It sounds like he isn't happy and running to another woman isn't gonna help, he will do the same thing when he has to atart facing reality again. I think you need to consentrate on you and your child at this point. Do what you can to make things right and to be a good mother to your son, you can't change your husband, you can only change you, don't blame this little one but love and care for him as any good parent would, I feel sad that a father could abandon his family like this, over greed and jeolousy. Enjoy your little one, it is such a wonderful experience being a parent and you shouldn't have to be in this situation, it is wrong and selfish for this guy to do this. Hopefully he will soon realize what he is missing and seek the help that he needs but in the mean time, take care of you and your baby.

Yes, we all know that it takes a family to make a family work. Fathers are just as entitled as a parent as us moms are. When I read these messages from everyone, I see (for the most part) normal behavior all children go thru, and all parents go thru, and even though some kids have different temperments, we all (as parents) have our stressful days, weeks, months, or even years. I totally understand the stressful part of being a parent. I have an almost 2 yr. old daughter, and she has been quite a handful here lately. I feel as if she's become a different child overnight. I always said I got so blessed when I had her. She was an awesome baby, easy to take care of, and get on a routine, pleasant to take anywhere...but now she has her moments when she is totally unbarable, and I don't even like leaving the house! I'm sure other moms feel this way, and I say, if there is a father involved make him get just that- INVOLVED. b/c it's not all about us moms being parents when we don't have to be...we need help and a break too. :0) 

  

If anyone has any comments, e-mail me. 

lizzette0419@yahoo.com 

  

 
March 20, 2006, 10:03 pm CST

grammy of 2yr old & newborn

 My 2yr old & 1 mo. old grandaughter live in my home with their mother. Since the baby has came home my 2yr. old has been out of control. she does anything & everything. No matter what we do or say it doesn't matter. Any advice on how to deal with this?  Sleeping habit's have changed eating habit's as well just everything. I am at my wit's end. Her temper is up as well. Any advice would be welcomed!!!!
 
March 23, 2006, 1:12 am CST

Family in crisis

I have emailed the show numerous times asking for help and have not recieved a reply.  I am a mother of an HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome ) 3 month old girl.  She has had to have 1 of 3 surgeries to date.  Our finances are in ruin.  The hospital that does her surgeries and all cardiac appts is out of town and this makes it very difficult for us.  We had disconnect notices on our phone and utilities when we returned from her surgery.  We have had to neglect bills to pay for food.  My husband will probably lose his job from missing work when we had to go to Denver for the diagnosis, surgery, and followup.  This will put us in an even bigger bind.  We still have 2 surgeries to go and I cannot work because she is not allowed to attend daycare.  We also have many appts for our son who is bi-polar and has asthma.  We have to live on my in-laws property because now with all of the travel and medical expenses, we cannot pay to live anywhere else.  My medicaid was cancelled for me (my kids are still covered) because we make a little more than $500 a month, and I need to have my gallbladder removed.  I have an emergency room bill that will be impossible for me to pay now.  My life has fallen apart and noone will help us.  Please, email Dr. Phil if you believe he should do a show for us.  There needs to be more awareness for HLHS.  The is another girl that has HLHS that is emailing the show to ask for help paying for school.  If anyone desrves it, she does.  She is one of the oldest HLHS surviors since the surgery has only been around for just over 20 years.  This disease is not well known and because of this, they missed it on the 6 ultrasounds I had done.  Because of this my daughter could have died.  It is supposed to be one of the easiest to diagnose in ultrasound, but unfortunately due to lack of awareness, it was missed.  Please help us and others that are struggling with this horrible defect.  We need help.  Thanks.
 
March 24, 2006, 11:02 am CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: sweetsaige

 My 2yr old & 1 mo. old grandaughter live in my home with their mother. Since the baby has came home my 2yr. old has been out of control. she does anything & everything. No matter what we do or say it doesn't matter. Any advice on how to deal with this?  Sleeping habit's have changed eating habit's as well just everything. I am at my wit's end. Her temper is up as well. Any advice would be welcomed!!!!

I am a stay at home mother of a 3 year old girl ( Jasmyn) and a 2 month old baby (Madison). I was surprised how well Jasmyn took to the situation of her new sister. She was the 1st grand child on my side and her father's so she has been thoroughly spoiled. I do notice, however, she gets in certain moods where she doesn't listen, or does things that purposely bugs me. I, too struggle with the situation. What I learned with Jasmyn is she constantly needs to know I still love her, and her sister hasn't taken her place. When Madison is sleeping I will play a game with just her or just lay down together and watch a movie. Or maybe have someone watch the newborn so they can go out to eat, or do something fun together. I know that when I run errands, I always bring both my daughter's or just Jasmyn. I know the first thing you want to do is discipline when your toddler acts out but instead try not to and talk to her or spend time with her. I am sure she acts that way because she wants attention or is scared you don't like her anymore. She's just insecure. Yelling only makes it worse. Good Luck!  

  

 
March 24, 2006, 7:04 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

I am a proud grandmother of 4. I would like to tell you about my wonderful daughter who is now a single, separated mother of a 4yr G and 10mos B. My daughter was married and when the baby came her husband had a hard time helping. He thought that she should always have the baby with him, take the baby to daycare, pick the baby up take her with her to get her hair fixed, Finally he left. He really wanted the single life. Well, my daughter some way has done a great job with her little girl. She managed to keep her in day care school, she has taught her how to keep her room clean, she has never wrote on the wall, she puts her clothes in her little hamper. She even has her own little bucket when she throws up. She puts her toys away. When the baby came she has been a great help, she adores him. She slept with her mother until she was 3, now sleeps in a big queen bed in her own room, with no problem of the change. My daughter now has the baby in day care. Her husband decided not to come back home (oh yea the little boy is his), had nothing to do with her during her pregnancy and denied the baby until he was about 5 months. She never dated anyone the whole time he was away until this year, and she had a talk with her little girl and this break her heart.  Their father decided to quit his job and drive long distance truck. My daughter has been the best through all of this, calm and cool. She very seldom complain. She has to get up at 5:30 take both kids to day care by 6:30 be at work at 7. She has to deal with the sickness, staying up all night, teething, everything. She should be mother of the year. When her baby was born she moved from an one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom. When she moved from her apartment the landlord told her if she had not seen her child she would not have known she had one, because the apartment was so clean.  In a great location. She makes about $9 a hour; plus receives bounses once a month. She has not received child support for her son yet. She has excellent credit, no cc, does not spend foolishly. She has never received any assistance. She lives over 6 hours from her family such as mother, grandmothers, aunt. She has one family member 30 minutes from her, they help take care of the children on Sat. when she works. 

I am proud to say that all of my grandchildren are well behaved and will take anywhere. They are raised by single parents. 

 
March 27, 2006, 7:53 am CST

I have Irish twins!

In October 2004 I had my first baby; a little boy.  I was so happy to be pregnant, I had an easy time of it and taking care of our son came really easy to my husband and I.  3 months later I found myself pregnant again.  I wanted to start trying for number 2 when my son turned one.  I never dreamed I'd have the second one 6 days after my son's first birthday.  Now my son is 17 months and my daughter is 5 months.  I love what I do and I feel so guilty that I feel over whelmed sometimes.  I feel like if I complain about how hard it is, that I convey the message that I don't love my kids somehow.  I feel bad that I want to pull my hair our when my son is having a tantrum or break down in tears when both my children are screaming at the same time, both wanting my attention.  

  

When I envisioned being a stay at home mom, I didn't imagine how lonely it would be, or how isolated I would feel.  I thought I'd make lots of friends at the playground now that I had kids.  But the truth is, instead of feeling comradery, I feel disconnected from the world.  The same old routine day after day has made me feel like I'm stuck in a rut, instead of feeling like I'm contributing to the world. 

  

Because my kids are so young it's hard to try to get out of the house alone.  I have these 2 babies, a double stroller, a diaper bag overflowing with diapers, wipes, snacks, formula, bottles, sippy cups..etc, etc..by the time I try to get somewhere I have enough "survival" stuff to keep us going for a couple of weeks!  I tried to go to the mall alone one day with the kids.  What a disaster!  My daughter cried the whole time, and my son was so whiny from having to sit in the stroller that all I could do was clench my teeth together while I said to him "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"  Then on top of being stressed out I had to use the bathroom and there were NO handicapped stalls...so I had to pee with door open so that I could keep an eye on my kids in the stroller.   By the time I left, I was sweating profusely, thinking to myself, I can never do this again!  So my days are then isolated to the house, looking at these same walls,  and in between making bottles, changing diapers, feedings, watching The Wiggles 10 times a day, all while trying to enjoy the babies that I have and secretly hoping I get through this part without going crazy! 

  

The bottom line is that I love my children more than I ever thought I could love anyone.  I feel so blessed to have these litle creatures in my life.  And they are so beautiful that my heart melts when I look at them. They are so innocent and precious and we're so lucky to have them.  But why does staying at home and taking care of them feel like an endless rerun of "Groundhog's Day"? 

 
March 28, 2006, 8:10 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: tanyat117

In October 2004 I had my first baby; a little boy.  I was so happy to be pregnant, I had an easy time of it and taking care of our son came really easy to my husband and I.  3 months later I found myself pregnant again.  I wanted to start trying for number 2 when my son turned one.  I never dreamed I'd have the second one 6 days after my son's first birthday.  Now my son is 17 months and my daughter is 5 months.  I love what I do and I feel so guilty that I feel over whelmed sometimes.  I feel like if I complain about how hard it is, that I convey the message that I don't love my kids somehow.  I feel bad that I want to pull my hair our when my son is having a tantrum or break down in tears when both my children are screaming at the same time, both wanting my attention.  

  

When I envisioned being a stay at home mom, I didn't imagine how lonely it would be, or how isolated I would feel.  I thought I'd make lots of friends at the playground now that I had kids.  But the truth is, instead of feeling comradery, I feel disconnected from the world.  The same old routine day after day has made me feel like I'm stuck in a rut, instead of feeling like I'm contributing to the world. 

  

Because my kids are so young it's hard to try to get out of the house alone.  I have these 2 babies, a double stroller, a diaper bag overflowing with diapers, wipes, snacks, formula, bottles, sippy cups..etc, etc..by the time I try to get somewhere I have enough "survival" stuff to keep us going for a couple of weeks!  I tried to go to the mall alone one day with the kids.  What a disaster!  My daughter cried the whole time, and my son was so whiny from having to sit in the stroller that all I could do was clench my teeth together while I said to him "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"  Then on top of being stressed out I had to use the bathroom and there were NO handicapped stalls...so I had to pee with door open so that I could keep an eye on my kids in the stroller.   By the time I left, I was sweating profusely, thinking to myself, I can never do this again!  So my days are then isolated to the house, looking at these same walls,  and in between making bottles, changing diapers, feedings, watching The Wiggles 10 times a day, all while trying to enjoy the babies that I have and secretly hoping I get through this part without going crazy! 

  

The bottom line is that I love my children more than I ever thought I could love anyone.  I feel so blessed to have these litle creatures in my life.  And they are so beautiful that my heart melts when I look at them. They are so innocent and precious and we're so lucky to have them.  But why does staying at home and taking care of them feel like an endless rerun of "Groundhog's Day"? 

 I am right there with you on the Groundhog Day thing!!!  Mine are almost 3 and 19 months.  Almost everyday, I am wondering what I am going to do with them until nap time(which my almost 3 year old has basically given up).  Having children so close in age(mine are 16 months apart) limits you soooo much on what you can do with them during the day.  Sometimes I just wish I could find another stay at home mom that's around my age (30) and has kids around the same ages as mine too.  I haven't been able to join any of the moms groups or anything because my children don't stay in the stroller long enough to go to things that the moms groups do like going to the zoo for example.  And, I don't want to lose one of them!! 

Oh, sigh.....  I am sure there is some method to this whole thing.  It is just exhausting in all kinds of ways.  We all definitely LOVE our children down to our souls, but somehow feel like we are jipping them or jipping ourselves.
 
April 5, 2006, 5:25 pm CDT

Sick and just want to rest

I am a stay at home mum of two fantastic, if not full-on, children - 3 years old and 2 years old.  For the past week I have been sick with tonsilitis, broncholitis and the flu!!!!  All I want to do is rest.   

I feel terriable because this morning I yelled at my 3 year old, the first time I have ever yelled.  All he was doing was jumping on the bed.  I am just so tired and feel so sick.  I will never forget the look on his face.  He looked so betrayed.  I feel sick in the stomach thinking that I spoke down to him like that.  I really need a rest.  My husband has been no help at all.  Last night he even went out with his work mates even though he knows he should have been home looking after the kids so I could get some rest.  On top of all this, I think I may be pregnant but am too scared to do a pregnancy test as I had a miscarriage last year.  I am so stressed out,  I just need a break. 

 
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