Topic : Dealing with the Added Stress

i only have one child and it is hard. i could not emagine having two. my daughter is one month old. i'm a stay at home mom too. i don't get out much either. everyday i plan to go to the park for a walk and everyday i just dont make it. i'm lucky if i get a hot meal and a shower.  i feel isolated too sometimes. i don't have anyone around me with a young baby. i try to talk to friends and family about the struggles and the stress that i deal with, but they must have all forgotten what it is like to have a newborn. also, i'm breastfeeding, and i get alot of crap for it. some people act like if i would just bottle feed my baby all of the stresses and obsticals of motherhood would just magically disapear. i don't think that they realize that, breast or bottle, i still have to get up in the middle of the night to feed, still have to hold a crying baby while my food gets cold, and many other things that i have to deal with that have nothing to do with my method of feeding. or sometimes they just act like your over reacting. it makes me feel better to know that i'm not the only one that feels this way or sometimes gets overwelmed by it all too. 

In October 2004 I had my first baby; a little boy.  I was so happy to be pregnant, I had an easy time of it and taking care of our son came really easy to my husband and I.  3 months later I found myself pregnant again.  I wanted to start trying for number 2 when my son turned one.  I never dreamed I'd have the second one 6 days after my son's first birthday.  Now my son is 17 months and my daughter is 5 months.  I love what I do and I feel so guilty that I feel over whelmed sometimes.  I feel like if I complain about how hard it is, that I convey the message that I don't love my kids somehow.  I feel bad that I want to pull my hair our when my son is having a tantrum or break down in tears when both my children are screaming at the same time, both wanting my attention.  

When I envisioned being a stay at home mom, I didn't imagine how lonely it would be, or how isolated I would feel.  I thought I'd make lots of friends at the playground now that I had kids.  But the truth is, instead of feeling comradery, I feel disconnected from the world.  The same old routine day after day has made me feel like I'm stuck in a rut, instead of feeling like I'm contributing to the world. 

Because my kids are so young it's hard to try to get out of the house alone.  I have these 2 babies, a double stroller, a diaper bag overflowing with diapers, wipes, snacks, formula, bottles, sippy cups..etc, etc..by the time I try to get somewhere I have enough "survival" stuff to keep us going for a couple of weeks!  I tried to go to the mall alone one day with the kids.  What a disaster!  My daughter cried the whole time, and my son was so whiny from having to sit in the stroller that all I could do was clench my teeth together while I said to him "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"  Then on top of being stressed out I had to use the bathroom and there were NO handicapped stalls...so I had to pee with door open so that I could keep an eye on my kids in the stroller.   By the time I left, I was sweating profusely, thinking to myself, I can never do this again!  So my days are then isolated to the house, looking at these same walls,  and in between making bottles, changing diapers, feedings, watching The Wiggles 10 times a day, all while trying to enjoy the babies that I have and secretly hoping I get through this part without going crazy! 

The bottom line is that I love my children more than I ever thought I could love anyone.  I feel so blessed to have these litle creatures in my life.  And they are so beautiful that my heart melts when I look at them. They are so innocent and precious and we're so lucky to have them.  But why does staying at home and taking care of them feel like an endless rerun of "Groundhog's Day"? 

I am a stay at home mum of two fantastic, if not full-on, children - 3 years old and 2 years old.  For the past week I have been sick with tonsilitis, broncholitis and the flu!!!!  All I want to do is rest.   

I feel terriable because this morning I yelled at my 3 year old, the first time I have ever yelled.  All he was doing was jumping on the bed.  I am just so tired and feel so sick.  I will never forget the look on his face.  He looked so betrayed.  I feel sick in the stomach thinking that I spoke down to him like that.  I really need a rest.  My husband has been no help at all.  Last night he even went out with his work mates even though he knows he should have been home looking after the kids so I could get some rest.  On top of all this, I think I may be pregnant but am too scared to do a pregnancy test as I had a miscarriage last year.  I am so stressed out,  I just need a break.