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Topic : Dealing with the Added Stress

Number of Replies: 159
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:57:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"Having a new baby really has added stress to my life." Sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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November 14, 2005, 7:20 pm CST

New mommy

I'm 18 years old and have recently become a new mom.  I thought the whole becoming a mom was something I would never be able to grasp completely, yet it has come so naturally(and I love it!!!!). Yet I do get jealous of my boyfriend who has more of an active social life than I do (it seems the only time I hear from the outside world is if family calls). I still try to stay in touch with my old friends, but conversations now between us are so difficult seeing as we practically have nothing in common anymore.  I miss my old outgoing adventureous self, yet I love the time I spend with my 3 month old son. Being a stay-at-home mom has really hit me hard though, I hate being cooped up in the house while my boyfriend gets to go out on the weekends.  I don't want my jealousy to ruin our relationship because of the resentment I get towards him when he gets to go out with his friends on the week nights and weekends.  Don't get me wrong I love the time I spend with my son and I wouldn't give it up for anything.  I just want to know if there's a way I can have more of a social life that won't effect the time spent with and bond with my precious boy. Any suggestions???? 

 
November 16, 2005, 10:49 am CST

Help

My son will be 2 years old in December. Lately we have had alot of problems with him. He hads been hitting, pinching and kicking. I dont know where he picked this up. We dont hit him. when he gets angry or upset he wines, and cries and he's really mean to us. He tells us to go away, and he pushes us, and hits us. We have tried to talk to him calmly, and explain to him that there are other ways of dealing with anger. He never wants to listen or pay attention to us when we talk to him. Everything we do is a fight. Putting his clothes on, his coat, shoes, pj's. Bath time in and out. Bed time, meal time, play time. Everything is fight to begin with or to end with (usually its both and through out.) I dont know what to do woth him anymore. We have tried time outs, sending him to his room. taking things away like his fav. toy, or his blankie. It just doesnt seem to sink in. He just doesnt get it. I really really need some help. some advise. Its getting to the point where I dont even enjoy being around him. that makes me really upset cause I love him more then anything in the world.  

  

Please help!! 

mamatrish 

 
November 19, 2005, 8:04 pm CST

communication

Quote From: lil_espy

In 2003 I delivered my second child. The joy was overshadowed by the depression I had been dealing with since his father left in my 6th mo. It was hard to deal with him wanting to be around for doctor visits and parenting time. Now the baby is 2yrs old and we have a lot of communication problems. When his father comes to pick him up we don't talk, it's like a hand off in football. I am frustrated because I have no idea how his father dealt with day to day issues during his visits. I am still very angry with his father and don't feel like I am able to separate my feelings and issues from the issue of caring for and raising our son. How do I "get over" what happened to me in the relationship so that I can be the kind of mother I should be?

There are 2 issues here.  The first one has to deal with the "getting over" what happened to you.  It's been 2 years and it's still that much of a problem for you.  Perhaps you need to reach out for professional help on that issue.  You need to have healing for your self so that you can move forward in your own life.  So that you can be whole.  So that you can enjoy motherhood.  So that you can be a blessing to your child. 

  

The second issue is dealing with the baby's father.  Try e-mail communication with him.  You will be able to say what you need to say without having emotions take over.  I find e-mail to be a very effective way to pass information back and forth with someone I can't communicate well with otherwise. 

 
November 19, 2005, 8:36 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: mamatrish

My son will be 2 years old in December. Lately we have had alot of problems with him. He hads been hitting, pinching and kicking. I dont know where he picked this up. We dont hit him. when he gets angry or upset he wines, and cries and he's really mean to us. He tells us to go away, and he pushes us, and hits us. We have tried to talk to him calmly, and explain to him that there are other ways of dealing with anger. He never wants to listen or pay attention to us when we talk to him. Everything we do is a fight. Putting his clothes on, his coat, shoes, pj's. Bath time in and out. Bed time, meal time, play time. Everything is fight to begin with or to end with (usually its both and through out.) I dont know what to do woth him anymore. We have tried time outs, sending him to his room. taking things away like his fav. toy, or his blankie. It just doesnt seem to sink in. He just doesnt get it. I really really need some help. some advise. Its getting to the point where I dont even enjoy being around him. that makes me really upset cause I love him more then anything in the world.  

  

Please help!! 

mamatrish 

He definetly sounds like a stronwilled two year old. One thing Iwould suggest is that when he starts screaming and hitting and things like that, simply, just walk away and ignore him. when he calms down then try talking wioth him but remember, he is only two. Ma try lettinghim picking out his clothes, give him a couple of choices and let him pick out his towel and wash cloth before getting in the tub, maybe let him choose a couple of bath toys to go inwith him. Same thing with bed time and meal time, give him choices on what pj's he wants to put on a what toy he wants to play with, maybe start by putting some soft music on while he is getting dressed and for meals, let him help with preparing, he may be able to help stir or push the start button the microwave, or just give him a bowl with a tiny bit of flour in it for him to stir, waht ever, let him feel as if he has some control over the things he is doing. I am sure in time, he will overcome all this. Be patient and hang in there.
 
November 19, 2005, 8:46 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: ladybugz01

I'm 18 years old and have recently become a new mom.  I thought the whole becoming a mom was something I would never be able to grasp completely, yet it has come so naturally(and I love it!!!!). Yet I do get jealous of my boyfriend who has more of an active social life than I do (it seems the only time I hear from the outside world is if family calls). I still try to stay in touch with my old friends, but conversations now between us are so difficult seeing as we practically have nothing in common anymore.  I miss my old outgoing adventureous self, yet I love the time I spend with my 3 month old son. Being a stay-at-home mom has really hit me hard though, I hate being cooped up in the house while my boyfriend gets to go out on the weekends.  I don't want my jealousy to ruin our relationship because of the resentment I get towards him when he gets to go out with his friends on the week nights and weekends.  Don't get me wrong I love the time I spend with my son and I wouldn't give it up for anything.  I just want to know if there's a way I can have more of a social life that won't effect the time spent with and bond with my precious boy. Any suggestions???? 

The first thing you need to do is sit this baby's father down and have a good talk with him and tell him that you need time to your self and a social life. You both need to work together on a time that he can be home with his son while you go out with friends, it doesn't matter if it is once a week, or once a month, what ever works. One thing that also works for me, is when my husband is home and there are no plans, I take advantage of that and I will get things ready such as dinner, baths done, whatever, then I will look at mu husband and tell him, I am going out for bit and he needs to watch the girls. He doesn't have a choice int he matter at that point. of course he doesn't have a problem as he loves spending time with them but with some one with an active life or just a lot of demands, they might not undestand or even think about the role of the mother to their child, men, especially are like this and this is why communication is so imporant in a relationship, it is about two people, not just one and if the two really care for one another then they will help meet one anothers needs. Iwould also suggest yuo getting a sitter and the both of you going out together on a accasions just to stay connected, it works. If he is the stubborn type and doesn't want to take the inative to help you out in this way then you are goingt o have to take it upon your self to do something about it, take your son if you have to, get out and meet a friend or two for dinner, I do this and my friends loves taking care of little ones and we have a blast, I have also gotten a sitter and went out and did waht ever I needed to do, don't sit around the house and wish things were different, wishin isn't going to get you any where. We all love our children but we all also need some time to our selves and to get out.
 
December 6, 2005, 10:42 am CST

Plus One... Plus Stress

I should be able to be Elated right now, I took a pregnancy test two days ago, a it is positive, we were trying, our first son just had his first birthday Thanksgiving weekend, we have stuck to our plan.  But as soon as I told my husband we have both been at each others throats, we don't live the dream life that we both want right now but we have the where-with-all to achieve it someday, in the mean time we are getting help from my family.  At the moment we live with my Parents and sometimes other extended family.  My husband is eating himself up inside because we had to sell our first home before it went into foreclosure - I figure he is not feeling like the man that can provide for his family.  But how do I get him to put that aside and live in the now and the joy that we have another child on the way - I want him to be how he was with the first pregnancy, I can't go through this stressed out and worried about his pride.  I am afraid now that he may resent this pregnancy - obviously when the baby is born he will shower him/her with love, but about now....  does he know that he is also taking away my joy?
 
December 6, 2005, 11:06 am CST

Not sure I agree completely...

Quote From: jettav

The first thing you need to do is sit this baby's father down and have a good talk with him and tell him that you need time to your self and a social life. You both need to work together on a time that he can be home with his son while you go out with friends, it doesn't matter if it is once a week, or once a month, what ever works. One thing that also works for me, is when my husband is home and there are no plans, I take advantage of that and I will get things ready such as dinner, baths done, whatever, then I will look at mu husband and tell him, I am going out for bit and he needs to watch the girls. He doesn't have a choice int he matter at that point. of course he doesn't have a problem as he loves spending time with them but with some one with an active life or just a lot of demands, they might not undestand or even think about the role of the mother to their child, men, especially are like this and this is why communication is so imporant in a relationship, it is about two people, not just one and if the two really care for one another then they will help meet one anothers needs. Iwould also suggest yuo getting a sitter and the both of you going out together on a accasions just to stay connected, it works. If he is the stubborn type and doesn't want to take the inative to help you out in this way then you are goingt o have to take it upon your self to do something about it, take your son if you have to, get out and meet a friend or two for dinner, I do this and my friends loves taking care of little ones and we have a blast, I have also gotten a sitter and went out and did waht ever I needed to do, don't sit around the house and wish things were different, wishin isn't going to get you any where. We all love our children but we all also need some time to our selves and to get out.

You need to consider your relationship with the babies father - it is different with a married father and a single father - I am afraid that if you give him an ultimatum or no choices he will disappear and not even try to have a relationship with his child.  Only You know how strong your relationship is with the babies father, and only you know how fragile the father baby relationship is, one can't communicate and the other may have feeling like "I didn't ask for this".  I am not sure what good advice that I can give to you about your relationship with the babies father as I am married and I do have the option of telling my husband "It is your turn". 

  

However, I was a stay at home mom for most of the first year and now I only work part time, and I do know the feeling of isolation (my husband is a work-aholic).  Be sure you talk to your pediatrician, but once the baby is ready to be out in public there are great mommy groups, I had to try a few out before I found one in my area, peers my age and children my son's age, and people that interested me - it is work at first, but once you put the work into you will make new friends that you can talk to, friends that are where you are now (I think that Dr. Phil.com has a link to find groups in your area), friends that can support you and grow with you - no ultimatums, no threats...  The first three month at home alone were the worst for me, my son couldn't talk couldn't really play and only eat, sleep, & poop, but once he started to roll a whole new world opened up.  There are usually affordable mommy & me exercise groups and it gets you to play with your child in an atmosphere where you can socialize and be structured for the child.  if you are  nursing, breastfeeding classes at the hospitals are usually free and you could find a way into the "mommy underground" that way...  

  

I haven't really given you advice on how to get your Single Social life back, but maybe if you find these groups you can find a good friend that will switch off baby sitting with you so that you can have adult time, or a date with your the babies father. 

 
December 19, 2005, 11:42 am CST

I have no help!

Hi everyone! 2 weeks ago I gave birth to my second son and every since then my husband thinks he doesn't need to help me out. I also have a 2 yr old and it getting to the point where I am sick and just tired. I try to tell him that dealing with 2 kids is not easy. Every night my husband huffs and puffs like the baby is bothering him so I end up on the couch and then the baby wakes my other son up. What should I tell my husband to understand that I am not going to be the only one that takes care of them both. With my first son, he really didn't get into his life so much until he started to walk because he thought that it was going to be easy. I can never leave my house without one of the kids. It has come to the point where I have to ASK him to feed the baby. I just want him to grow up and know that he is a father of 2 and not a kid anymore. 

Alicia 

 
December 22, 2005, 5:42 am CST

My lil angel/nonunderstanding wife

How I love my son, I would do anything in the world for him.  His name is Jessie Wittler.  And he will be my only child.  He has Infantile Scoliosis.  At 11 months old he was diagnosed with Infantile Scoliosis with a 35% curvature.  Though he was supposed to be fitted with a back brace, he was not.  Nor was he given any type of medical treatment thus far.  Now, he has a 57% curvature as of a Dec 15th appointment.  Still, without indepth discussion of a back brace or a casting, my wife and the doctors are talking about surgery.  Surgery on a 14 month old child.  I have seen all the risk associated with this type of surgery with a child his age.  I can not understand for the life of me why Jessie wasn't put into a back brace when he was diagnosed with this disease.  My wife will not get a 2nd opinion, she is taking what the doctor is saying as that is all there is to do.  I can not convince her she needs a 2nd opinion.  I am starting to believe she is doing this so that he will be on a SSI check, just like her and her daughter.  My wife, soon to be ex, has Cerebal Palsy.  I also fear, if he has surgery, how she will be able to take good care of him.  She is pretty much bound to a wheelchair and only has real use of her right arm.  I am in serious concern for my sons health.  I hope perhaps she would listen to Dr. PHil.  For she is also a huge fan of Dr. Phil, as I am.  I watch the show everyday, as I live in Ohio.  She lives in Arkansas and to my knowledge still watches it.  I am also having a very hard time getting ahold of my sons medical records.  I must get them, for everytime I talk to her about his condition, she avoids questions and gets mad when I point things out that should have been looked into. I am at a loss of what to do.  I am in the process of getting the medical records sent to me, though it may be after christmas before I get the information I need to know about my son.  Not going to be a pleasant christmas for me...not knowing how my son is really doing.  If there is any advice for me out there, I would greatly appreciate it.  Daniel Wittler 

 
December 22, 2005, 11:36 am CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: dadinneed

How I love my son, I would do anything in the world for him.  His name is Jessie Wittler.  And he will be my only child.  He has Infantile Scoliosis.  At 11 months old he was diagnosed with Infantile Scoliosis with a 35% curvature.  Though he was supposed to be fitted with a back brace, he was not.  Nor was he given any type of medical treatment thus far.  Now, he has a 57% curvature as of a Dec 15th appointment.  Still, without indepth discussion of a back brace or a casting, my wife and the doctors are talking about surgery.  Surgery on a 14 month old child.  I have seen all the risk associated with this type of surgery with a child his age.  I can not understand for the life of me why Jessie wasn't put into a back brace when he was diagnosed with this disease.  My wife will not get a 2nd opinion, she is taking what the doctor is saying as that is all there is to do.  I can not convince her she needs a 2nd opinion.  I am starting to believe she is doing this so that he will be on a SSI check, just like her and her daughter.  My wife, soon to be ex, has Cerebal Palsy.  I also fear, if he has surgery, how she will be able to take good care of him.  She is pretty much bound to a wheelchair and only has real use of her right arm.  I am in serious concern for my sons health.  I hope perhaps she would listen to Dr. PHil.  For she is also a huge fan of Dr. Phil, as I am.  I watch the show everyday, as I live in Ohio.  She lives in Arkansas and to my knowledge still watches it.  I am also having a very hard time getting ahold of my sons medical records.  I must get them, for everytime I talk to her about his condition, she avoids questions and gets mad when I point things out that should have been looked into. I am at a loss of what to do.  I am in the process of getting the medical records sent to me, though it may be after christmas before I get the information I need to know about my son.  Not going to be a pleasant christmas for me...not knowing how my son is really doing.  If there is any advice for me out there, I would greatly appreciate it.  Daniel Wittler 

 My heart goes out to you and your son. Who helps with him now that you are not there. What it sounds like to me is you need to voice your concerns to your lawyer. ( if you have gotten that far yet.) If my daughter was diagnosed with that and was not fitted for a back brace or given any sort of attention after, I'm sorry but there would be hell to pay. What are your visitations, if you have them yet. I have never been thru a divorce so I don't have the most knowledgable advice. All I can say is keep fighting from what it sounds like your son needs youto fight for him. My heart and my prayers will continue to go out to both of you.
 
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