Message Boards

Topic : Dealing with the Added Stress

Number of Replies: 159
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:57:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"Having a new baby really has added stress to my life." Sound familiar? Tell us your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 23, 2005, 7:33 am CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: jessical

 My heart goes out to you and your son. Who helps with him now that you are not there. What it sounds like to me is you need to voice your concerns to your lawyer. ( if you have gotten that far yet.) If my daughter was diagnosed with that and was not fitted for a back brace or given any sort of attention after, I'm sorry but there would be hell to pay. What are your visitations, if you have them yet. I have never been thru a divorce so I don't have the most knowledgable advice. All I can say is keep fighting from what it sounds like your son needs youto fight for him. My heart and my prayers will continue to go out to both of you.
Thank you for your response.  It is nice to know there are those out there who care.  His mother is the one taking care of him.  She has Cerebal Palsy.  Has use of only her right arm.  She cant do much at all with her left arm.  She isnt confined to a wheelchair, but uses it 95% of the time.  The only way I know of her being able to pick him up is by pulling him up by his arm.  I do have a lawyer and we are working together to try to make sense of all this, but it isn't easy, seeing as how she didn't put my on Jessie's contact list.  I did sign a release to get a copy of his medical records, but have been told I still cant talk to his doctor.   I dont blame you for saying that there would be hell to pay.  For there will be.  My soon to be ex-wife told me that on the 28th of this month he goes back for a CAT scan, and that there was a big possibility of surgery before the 17th of next month, which just so happens to be our final court date for divorce.  Obviously I have very high suspisions of why I am not on the contact list.   Even though she stated in court I had as much right to my sons medical records as she does.  Right now my visitations are kind of limited with living so far away.  But as I said we go for the custody hearing next month.  I am fighting, believe me, I have devoted all of my time, though not much money is available to me, to trying to find out what is going on and why medical steps at this point haven't been taken.  If you would like to contact me then my email is paradise_city052000@yahoo.com  I have my messenger on 24/7.  I am on the computer a lot, spending hours researching this.  Both the pro's and con's of the brace, cast and back surgery.  So feel free to email me any time you want.  I always respond to emails the same day I get them, if not by the next day.  Sincerely, Daniel Wittler
 
December 27, 2005, 8:24 am CST

I know how you feel... you are not alone

Quote From: babicheekz

Hi everyone! 2 weeks ago I gave birth to my second son and every since then my husband thinks he doesn't need to help me out. I also have a 2 yr old and it getting to the point where I am sick and just tired. I try to tell him that dealing with 2 kids is not easy. Every night my husband huffs and puffs like the baby is bothering him so I end up on the couch and then the baby wakes my other son up. What should I tell my husband to understand that I am not going to be the only one that takes care of them both. With my first son, he really didn't get into his life so much until he started to walk because he thought that it was going to be easy. I can never leave my house without one of the kids. It has come to the point where I have to ASK him to feed the baby. I just want him to grow up and know that he is a father of 2 and not a kid anymore. 

Alicia 

My son will be 1 in January and I have done everything myself. Getting up  every two hours...comforting...feeding...everything since he was born. At first I felt like well..my husband has to work so I will do it all so he can get some sleep. I thought he would have been more involved, and it still suprises me that he isn't. Now that he's almost walking he wants to play with him, but he has NEVER just grabbed him and said he needs a bath and took him to give him a bath or I think he's hungry...let me go feed him. Enough about me, I'm sure you've gathered it's quite the same.  My husband has gotten better because I say to him, "why do you act as though feeding your child is a job?" " Your son just loves you and misses you all day, that is why he won't let go of you!" "When he notices a stinky diaper or the other, I say finders keepers" It's their job other than financially to take care of the children too and I can't imagine doing it with two. They really don't realize that yes, it's hard, but its so rewarding too. They are missing out on the development of their children. Some fathers only seem to want to be a part of the fun stuff and leave the rest for mommy, but they don't realize that maintaining and home and children (with the biggest baby being the husband) is quite challenging. I told my husband before and I will say it every time, "if you budge me one more time because you hear the baby on the monitor, or if you act like "your" child is aggravating you..then that is just wrong. That baby loves you and most of all needs you as well as me. I try and make him remember his own father taking care of him.. I know I remember my daddy rubbing my head until I fell asleep and staying up with me anytime I needed him. That's what they are for. Good luck to you. You should really put your foot down and tell him that you need space just as well as anyone else does and that you are NOT A MACHINE... That 's one of my quotes. I know things will get better,but not if you don't say anything. Don't let it linger, that could ruin your marriage. 

BEST WISHES! 

 

  

 
December 27, 2005, 8:44 pm CST

Someone please help!!!

I have a 3 year old soon to be 4, and he is out of control. My son Cedric doesn't listen to a thing his father and I say. I am at my witts end with this kid. He whins when we are in public throws fits in public. Cedric has also started talking back and saying "no I don't want to" to everything. When you ask him to do something he says "I can't Mommy." My husband and I can't go anywhere, because we are afraid of what he will do. I don't agree with my husband idea of parenting. He lets Cedric get away with murder.I say one thing and he lets him do another. He is running our lives. I'm trying to get control, but can't seem to find solid ground. Does anybody have any advice that might help me?
 
December 28, 2005, 7:35 am CST

I know where you are coming from

Quote From: kakabap

I have a 3 year old soon to be 4, and he is out of control. My son Cedric doesn't listen to a thing his father and I say. I am at my witts end with this kid. He whins when we are in public throws fits in public. Cedric has also started talking back and saying "no I don't want to" to everything. When you ask him to do something he says "I can't Mommy." My husband and I can't go anywhere, because we are afraid of what he will do. I don't agree with my husband idea of parenting. He lets Cedric get away with murder.I say one thing and he lets him do another. He is running our lives. I'm trying to get control, but can't seem to find solid ground. Does anybody have any advice that might help me?
I know where you are coming from.  I used to have a step child like that.  The mom would let her do basically what she wanted, so did her grandma.  And as much as I hate to say this, if yoru husband is letting yoru son do these things, the you are fighting a nearly impossible battle.  For as long as your husband lets your son get away 'with murder', then yoru son will continue to do so.  I respect you very much for continuing to try to keep control.  ANd yes, it is very difficult to do so, as in keeping control.  The only way I was able to get my ex-stepduaghter to do things, was to make it known I meant business.  She continued to do what she wanted a lot of times with her mom or grandma, but when I was around it was a different story.  OF course them allowing her to do these things, made it very hard on me to keep her in control.  I talked to her mom many times, saying she needed to lay down the law as well.  That without both of us saying and doing the same, then her duaghter would conitnue doing what she wanted.  And she had a bad habit of throwing fits as well.  I am sure there are parents out there with better advice than what I am giving, so I apologize.  But only way I see it turning around is for your husband to stop being the push over and work with you on dishing out some tough love.  And by that i dont mean whipping or anything like that.  But punishment in the form of taking t.v. away, toys, play time, early bed time.  Yes, it is hard to do this, for then they start kicking and screaming and such.  That is the hardest part of parenting, to learn to deal and cope with that.  But it has to be done.  To NOT give into the child, no matter how long they pitch fits.  To ignore them.  FOr once they know they can get your attention by throwing a fit, its over, they know they have won.  I battled with this for over 2 yrs.  Up till the day my ex and I seperated.  Of course the child had nothing to do with our seperation.  FOr she could very loving and tender at times.  There is much more I can say or tell you.  But im not really sure what.  If you would like to further contact me, my email is paradise_city052000@yahoo.com   if i can be of any further help or assistance please feel free to email me.  I hope I have helped some.  Sincerely, Daniel
 
December 28, 2005, 1:46 pm CST

New baby

I am now pregnant with a second child. My husband isnt the worlds best but he is not even near the worse. Yes i take care of most of the things but I stay home all day while he works. My daughter is 15 mths going on like 10 yrs old. she has grown up so fast. I love her and she loves everyone. But sometimes I feel at a lose I feel like I am taking on the world. Not just home chores. My husband tells me not to worry about things I have no control over but when your wondering where your childs next gallon of milk is coming from or where you can get a loaf of bread for sandwiches what do you do? Or your the one changing all the diapers, fixing all the bottles, cleaning everything? How do you not get stressed out? Please if someone has a idea on some stress relaxers that are safe while pregnant Please I am all ears.  

  

Jessica
Lacodagirl@yahoo.com. :) 

 
December 28, 2005, 2:55 pm CST

Relaxing

Quote From: lacodagirl

I am now pregnant with a second child. My husband isnt the worlds best but he is not even near the worse. Yes i take care of most of the things but I stay home all day while he works. My daughter is 15 mths going on like 10 yrs old. she has grown up so fast. I love her and she loves everyone. But sometimes I feel at a lose I feel like I am taking on the world. Not just home chores. My husband tells me not to worry about things I have no control over but when your wondering where your childs next gallon of milk is coming from or where you can get a loaf of bread for sandwiches what do you do? Or your the one changing all the diapers, fixing all the bottles, cleaning everything? How do you not get stressed out? Please if someone has a idea on some stress relaxers that are safe while pregnant Please I am all ears.  

  

Jessica
Lacodagirl@yahoo.com. :) 

HI Jessica, 

  I know what you are talking about when it comes to stressful times.  It is easy for people to tell you to not worry, its quite another to actually not worry.  One way i have found to be a great stress reliever is meditation.  I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  ANd meditation has been a great way for me to relieve stress and get a clearer picture on what I am doing and what needs to be done.  And if you wish to email me then feel free to do so at paradise_city052000@yahoo.com  By the way, Im Daniel, and i have this habit of wanting to solve other peoples problems, instead of my own.  LIke I have a 14 month old son.  You can read the article, it is on here.  its under 'dadinneed...there is a pic of my lil slugger beside it.  Like I said, feel free to email me if you wish. 

 
December 30, 2005, 11:09 am CST

You need to work as a team...

Quote From: kakabap

I have a 3 year old soon to be 4, and he is out of control. My son Cedric doesn't listen to a thing his father and I say. I am at my witts end with this kid. He whins when we are in public throws fits in public. Cedric has also started talking back and saying "no I don't want to" to everything. When you ask him to do something he says "I can't Mommy." My husband and I can't go anywhere, because we are afraid of what he will do. I don't agree with my husband idea of parenting. He lets Cedric get away with murder.I say one thing and he lets him do another. He is running our lives. I'm trying to get control, but can't seem to find solid ground. Does anybody have any advice that might help me?
Your child seems to have caught on to the whole playing you against each other thing. If they see that you disagree; they will run with it. You should only discuss the things you disagree in private and away from the child..that works for our family dealing with my 5 yr old step son. Also, the child sees that it gets your attention by acting out in public. Kids will do anything to get attention whether it is negative or positive attention. I would try playing more one on one with him and see if that helps. He might just need some extra attention. I know how frustrated you are because I have a "spirited" one year old too and he's a handful, but doing the more positive things have really help me to keep him under control. Sometimes I just wanted to spank him and I've learned to just discipline with love rather than out of anger. You should talk wtih your husband about sticking by you and making rules and guidelines and sticking by what you say. That works. It takes time, but once they see there is no budging you; they give in. Men are always the pushovers...LOL Also, another thing....don't bring him with you in everything you do. You need alone time too and he needs to see that his behavior has caused this and when he is good, take him to the park or something and reward for the good behavior. I know its a lot harder than it sounds, but I have researched myself for my own children and it hasn't failed me yet. I just wish they came with instructions...that would be so much easier. Husbands too... LOL Good luck. I hope I was helpful.
 
January 5, 2006, 11:13 am CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: ladybugz01

I'm 18 years old and have recently become a new mom.  I thought the whole becoming a mom was something I would never be able to grasp completely, yet it has come so naturally(and I love it!!!!). Yet I do get jealous of my boyfriend who has more of an active social life than I do (it seems the only time I hear from the outside world is if family calls). I still try to stay in touch with my old friends, but conversations now between us are so difficult seeing as we practically have nothing in common anymore.  I miss my old outgoing adventureous self, yet I love the time I spend with my 3 month old son. Being a stay-at-home mom has really hit me hard though, I hate being cooped up in the house while my boyfriend gets to go out on the weekends.  I don't want my jealousy to ruin our relationship because of the resentment I get towards him when he gets to go out with his friends on the week nights and weekends.  Don't get me wrong I love the time I spend with my son and I wouldn't give it up for anything.  I just want to know if there's a way I can have more of a social life that won't effect the time spent with and bond with my precious boy. Any suggestions???? 

I understand completely!  When my son was born last year, I felt completely cooped up alone and isolated.  Every day I was staring at the same 4 walls while my husband was working 10-12 hour days, 5-6 days a week.  Our friends stopped calling, since they were afraid to wake up the baby.  Our parents do not live in the same city, so I had very little help. 

  

I found some programs for new moms in my neighborhood.  One program was story time and nursery rhymes, some were educational for the parent and playtime (when he got a little bit older).  Some were for the mothers only and child care and a meal was provided.  I met lots of moms with children the same age as my son and we became close friends.  They understand what is like to be a mom and the every day stress (unlike your friends without children).  Now we get together weekly for coffee or other activities and our children are also friends. 

  

This really helped meet new people and I also realised that it's OK to be jealous and feel lonely at first.  Now my son and I have more of a social life than my husband! 

  

Hope this helps 

 
January 9, 2006, 4:04 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

I am a new 20yr old mom with a 3 month old son. I enjoy being a mother and spending so much time with him.  His father unfortunately is a little different.  2 weeks after I had my son his father went to jail for 40 days.  He is currently out on bail.  He has an extremely bad, and expensive drug habit.  He even went as far as to spend his sons gift money from when he was first born.  No one on my mothers side of the family and his mothers side of the family would take the 3 of in when he got out of jail.  Thankfully my father who is a very caring, understanding, and generous person took us in until a week later (after Christmas) my boyfriend stole my step brothers PSP and fathers new digital camera.  My boyfriend keeps threatening me that he'll move to Florida if I don't stay in a relationship with him.  I want my son to have a father, but a god one what should i do? 

 
January 9, 2006, 6:26 pm CST

Dealing with the Added Stress

Quote From: krystal17

I am a new 20yr old mom with a 3 month old son. I enjoy being a mother and spending so much time with him.  His father unfortunately is a little different.  2 weeks after I had my son his father went to jail for 40 days.  He is currently out on bail.  He has an extremely bad, and expensive drug habit.  He even went as far as to spend his sons gift money from when he was first born.  No one on my mothers side of the family and his mothers side of the family would take the 3 of in when he got out of jail.  Thankfully my father who is a very caring, understanding, and generous person took us in until a week later (after Christmas) my boyfriend stole my step brothers PSP and fathers new digital camera.  My boyfriend keeps threatening me that he'll move to Florida if I don't stay in a relationship with him.  I want my son to have a father, but a god one what should i do? 

This guy is manipulating you by threatening to move if you break up with him and that is called manipulation.The guy needs help and until he realizes this and accepts some kind of counseling and changes his life style, nothing is going to cahnge. Yes, you want your son to havea good father, but is he a good father if he stays? doesn't sound like he is. I think you need to stand up for your self and your son and make it clear that you do care for him but you cannot and will not stay in a relationship like he is offering you. Whether he stays or goes, he isn't going to be a good father until he makes some changes and as long as you allow him to stick around, he will continue what ever he is doing, I know I wouldn't want my children's father around them if he were stealing, disrespecting us and the rest of my family, Remember, we teach people how to treat us so maybe it is time that you teach him that you and your son deserve respect and love, he needs to be afather, not out on the street doing drugs, stealing and manipulating, If it were me, I would break up with him and let him know the welfare of my children is top priority and they deserve the best when it comes to their parents.......
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last