Quote From: abirneyI became a wife in August of 04 and then found out I was pregnant four months later and Noah was born in August of 05. I love this little guy with all of my heart, but he has completely changed my life. In one year I became somebody's wife and someone elses mother. This has been a really hard transition for me. We are the first in our group of friends to have a baby so I really have no one to talk to. When I get stressed out I feel guilty. I am used to working full time, but I have been off work for three months and have three weeks to go. I feel guilty because I am almost looking forward to getting back to work just so I can be me again. I love my child and would not trade him for anything, but I have found I that I am beginning to resent my husband because he has been able to keep some normalcy in his life. He returned back to work after only a week at home, during which time he came and went as he pleased leaving me and the baby at home alone. He is a very loving husband and father, but it seemed to me that this wasn't nearly the change for him that is was for me. He comes home from work and lets me know he is going to spend the evening playing golf. He doesn't have to worry that his son will not be taken care of. However, if I want to go have dinner with friends, I have to check with him and make sure he can "babysit" this is the double standard I cannot understand. I have had to come home before even making it to the restaurant because my husband couldn't get him to quit crying. I had only been gone for fifteen minutes and the baby was asleep when I left. I asked him who he thought I called when I couldn't get him to quit crying. I think that helped him understand a little bit better why I was a little stressed at the end of the day when he got home. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed because I get to spend special moments with our son that my husband misses and I wouldn't trade those, but why is it that dads are so quick to show off their children, but do little to actually help take care of them. When do they become equal care-givers instead of baby sitters?
Like you, I had a hard time with the unfairness I felt when we had our daughter 4 months ago. I didn't have a father growing up, and I never thought about how the responsability would be divided. I love my daughter more than my own life, and my husband is my soul mate. After 9 years together I honestly thought I had it all figured out when we decided to start a family. I didn't realize that as a mom, we will always be the primary care giver. I've come to just accept that most men (not all, but most) don't have nurturing instinct it takes to raise a child. One thing that has helped us is communication. I've stressed to him that it just feels so unfair that he has been able to hold on to his old ways (going out with friends, sleeping in, etc) while my whole world has changed so drastically.
One thing my husband says helps is that I tell him exactly what I need and then I actually let him do it - his way. I tell him to trust his instincts because I've also found that he doesn't contribute sometimes because he doesn't know how to do it nor does he know how to ask for help.
Also, lay down the law a little! I let my husband know that Saturdays are my days and he should expect to be taking care of the little one while I do whatever, where ever, I choose. And one night out of the week he is in charge of bathing and dinner because I spend hours up in a bubble bath with a nice bottle of wine and a good book. I told him that I should be able to feel like her father is watching her, not like I scheduled a babysitter.
It will get better, but I don't think it will ever be equal between my husband and I. I will always care more about the details than he will. But, I remind myself, there are other areas of double standards as well. You'll never catch me weedeating or taking out the trash or fixing my car. :)
Be sure to communicate with your husband. Telling my husband that he hasn't done anything wrong, but I need more me time has helped. Good luck!
Isn't she cute.... She is 1 month old... And just adorable... She has a brother who is 3 and he is adjusting well. He is a great helper... I was worried about having to take care of 2 children but it is not that hard.. I love it... Just wanted to show the world my pretty little girl.... There is nothing better than being a mommy....
