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Topic : *A Dr. Phil Prime Time Special: Escaping Danger

Number of Replies: 113
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Created on : Tuesday, May 16, 2006, 01:34:24 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The statistics are staggering. One in three women will become the victim of domestic violence. She could be your next door neighbor, your friend, your coworker.  To the outside world their lives seem normal but behind closed doors they live a nightmare full of intimidation and violence. For one woman, years of violence have brought her to a point of no return. Throughout her marriage, Kerry suffered physical and emotional torture at the hands of her husband. Like many women, she lived in fear, isolated from any help or support, until now.  In this important Dr. Phil Prime Time Special, Kerry will attempt to escape the abuse. She has only a narrow window in time to make her move.  And what she does in those few hours could be the difference between life and death. Kerry's dramatic story is an inspiration for the hundreds of thousands of women who wake terrified in their own homes. Airs at 8 p.m. (ET/PT) only on CBS.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 19, 2006, 9:24 pm CDT

Abuse or common in marriage

Is a husband that tells you that your hearing things or crazy abusive?  I have not been able to work for a few years due to a back injury.  I worked in County positions for over 14yrs.  I had to remember detailed information and like to be organized.  I am the kind of person that would help you if you needed it.   I feel  as if I stay in my marriage very much longer it could turn on me.  He is playing rougher and poking me on my shoulder harder like my ex husband.  I am seeing signs like my last marriage.  He is telling me that I am hearing words or statements that he did not say or I am obsessing when I feel he is just not hearing me and I become frusterated.  I have been in therapy because I thought I was crazy due to abuses in my past and know I am questioning my sanity again.  I feel like my life has been moving backwards.  We are in conflict at least every other day.  He told me that he had been looking at porn sites a few months ago but he deleate them.  He is in IT so he is always on the computer.  He told me right before he went to work.  I was in Shock!  He never brought it up again.  I was afraid to because it would turn out to be my fault.  I tried to bring it up but he gave some lame speach and then changed the suject.  We haven't talked about it since.   When we first married I was 130 and in the best shape of my life and after five years I am 285 and question where my joy went.  I spent most of my marriage crying in secret.  I have too much stuff,  I need to rid of stuff.  I shoulds and shouldn'ts were what I heard most of the time. I feel alone in this marriage.  He is a workaholic, sportsaholic.  He cleaned out the garage last year and left everything out to get wet in the winter and the garage is now full with other stuff.  I cleaned and organized and got rid of stuff almost every six months and in the house I go through mys stuff all the time and donate things.  His dausghter moved out on bad terms and in Jan and wasn't suppose to move back in but after I spent 3 days cleaning and donating items she my husband said she is moving back.  She is 18 and didn't want to follow house rules.  I told my husband that if she comes back she will own me $290. for having to clean out her room after she abandoned her things.  I asked her if she wanted anything in her room and she said, no.  I asked her if I could donate them and she said yes.  I am not sure what I need to do at this point.  I know marriage is not easy and I do not want to give up on it.  Seeing this show made me frightened.  He did hit his wife but it has been removed from his record now.  He said that she was cheating on him.  He said she would come home late at night drunk.  Her story is that she would come home late hoping that he was a sleep.  He does treat me different around people.  I am withdrawing from him.  I walk around in emotional pain and frustration.      

 
May 19, 2006, 9:26 pm CDT

*A Dr. Phil Prime Time Special: Escaping Danger

Quote From: Pleasance

financially feasible or not...get him out of there...you are living in a very dangerous environment with a dangerous man.  

   

You need to call the police, it should have happened when he pulled the knife, the police should have been called.  What were you thinking?  

   

Are you in denial that he will and can hurt you badly.   You could end up dead.  

   

I also hear from your post that you have been experiencing other forms of abuse, too.  

   

One of which is financial abuse.  

   

Does it occur to you that all this abuse and control is what he chooses in order to make your life hell.  

   

I don't give a damn what his resume looks like......WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS THAT YOU ARE LIVING IN PHYSICAL ABUSE AND DANGER.     

   

WHETHER HE APOLOGIZES OR NOT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HIS APOLOGY....HE DID IT, AND HE WANTED TO DO IT....HE THREATENED YOU WITH A WEAPON....AND ITS AMAZING THAT YOU WERE NOT HORRIBLY HURT.   

   

What kind of example are your children witnessing and living with?  

   

You need to reach out and get the resources in your community to help you explore the way through this violence and abuse.  

   

What is your life worth?  

   

Whether you have financial debt or not...you have got to seek help.  

   

Starting with the POLICE.  

   

How much in denial do you think you are?  

   

I care.  

GET out now or kick his ass! 1. your  a person and 2. he is not for you. I married my ex  7-years-ago when I was 18. He got abused and I used my Police  training to make he think twice about, and tooked the kids and left! You need to do the same thing. LEAVE HIM NOW!
 
May 19, 2006, 10:09 pm CDT

I related to everything Kerry was going through

 I was married 14 yrs to an abusive husband and the last straw was when he beat me so badly over not having enough money in the bank to make a trailer payment. I was the only one working, he had had a heart attack and was afraid to work!! But he never was good at holding a job the whole time we were married.   

  

As I watched and heard what Kerry had gone through I could sure relate and when she said her 4 yr old was talking like dad I went through that too. The abusers think it's funny to hear a child say things that they have heard him say to the mother.   

  

As I watched I held my breath and was trying to help her get out. Watching every where for her husband. I have been there and wanted to get her out of there before he got home.   

  

He didn't seem to show any emotions except she "pushed his buttons" and all the other things an abuser will say to blame everyone but himself. It's NEVER their fault at all.   

  

I hope Kerry and her children can have a safe happy life from here on out and that God blesses her with all things good. Take care of yourself Kerry and your children. I will sure keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, you can do it. I had to work two jobs when my marriage was over because he wouldn't pay child support but we made it and my kids are grown now. I have some health problems now related to the beating he gave me that was the last thing I could endure.   

  

I hope her ex gets his life together and faces whatever he has to but I sure hope he leaves her alone. Also hope he doesn't do this to any more women. I know they say they've changed and will do better, but I lived with one who said that and he did do better for a few years and then it got worse than ever.   

  

To any woman living in an abusive relationship, get out while you can. If you have children they will be better off when they are out of it young instead of waiting until they get older and can remember the hurts, the words and yes the whippings(beatings) they took when he was punishing them. It's not worth it to live that away, I am 58 yrs old now and have many health problems and some of the are the product of the abuse I took. So don't wait and hope he changes or gets better, life is to short to do that.   

           

 
May 19, 2006, 10:26 pm CDT

Your core beliefs are showing.

Quote From: dw20052

I have been a viewer of Dr. Phils since its inception even before on Oprah. I have always admired his up front attitude when giving advice. What I have learned is that he is a smart man who knows where the money is spent in our country.  Every show I hope that he will stand up for the men in this country whose only wish is for a happy home. When ever I hear "when momma ain't happy no one is happy" .When are women going to take responsibility for their own happiness and agree to what they promised in their wedding vows. In case they have forgotten a little reminder. LOVE HONOR and OBEY. If there was a more equal representation of reality then I would be more caring of what I see and hear. You Dr. Phil have yet to addressed that I have not seen my child for 19 years. Was there abuse on both our parts yes. When I realized that the home I had created was no longer there for my rest it made me angry. What would you have done if Robin treated you in this manner? Do not answer with "you teach people how to treat you". Another blame game solution.   

You are a more intelligent man then to think it is always the mans fault. Then why are we the ones more often than not the one to blame. The one to pay. The one that suffers because it is so easy to blame us. There is ten minutes to go and the man is still in the hot seat.   

The night I left my wife and child in my mind it had come to me leaving or killing her. I am not a killer yet what has she done to make me feel as if it was my only choice?  Am I to blame for her actions anymore than she is to blame for mine? Yet she has had total custody without any legal action. What do you think my chances would have been? Today I would have hard time retaining custody, then it was an impossibility. Well it has now been an hour of one mans assinine behavior that society will go to sleep thinking of. Thank you CBS and Dr. Phil  

Your core beliefs are showing.  

   

Your post makes me cringe.  

   

Thank God for Dr. Phil.   and yes CBS for bringing this show to the masses.  

   

LOVE HONOR AND OBEY!    and OBEY?  

   

Your post makes me cringe.  

   

You ask for equal representation...well possibly when women are abusing and battering , using power and control  in a systematic way over their partners in the numbers equal  to or near what men are currently....perhaps then we can and will address those numbers too.  

   

God forbid the women across this country and around the world become the perpetrators.  

   

What is it that you do care about?.  

   

   

   

   

 
May 19, 2006, 10:35 pm CDT

they were to check on the welfare of the son

Quote From: nanook22

I can't imagine why the authorities did not also check on the welfare of the husband's son who has been seeing this abuse since he was 7.  I know he is 17 but now he is the only one to vent the rage to.  I hope he can leave soon.  Also for the emotional well being of those little ones, it would have been nice if she could have taken her dog (eventually) to give them some unconditional love.  Children get so very attached and they already had to have their life turned around. 

They were to check on the welfare of the son and that was mentioned in the phone call to the authorities.  

   

And the poor dog...wouldn't it have been nice to take the beloved pet with them as they escaped.  

   

Abusers often abuse the pets to get back at the woman, and or to threaten the woman...many a pet is maimed or killed by abusers in the home.  

   

Did you know that only 2 states currently have passed laws to include the family pets in the woman's restraining order...and the second of which only passes the end of this month.    

   

We surely have a long way to go with regard to Domestic Abuse and Violence....often the women don't leave for fear of what will happen to the animals...the pets....or once they leave they return because of a pet.   The abusers use this loving connection to further abuse and threaten and intimidate the women and children.  

   

   

 
May 19, 2006, 10:40 pm CDT

what you speak of is abuse...not common in a healthy marriage

Quote From: pcdavis80

Is a husband that tells you that your hearing things or crazy abusive?  I have not been able to work for a few years due to a back injury.  I worked in County positions for over 14yrs.  I had to remember detailed information and like to be organized.  I am the kind of person that would help you if you needed it.   I feel  as if I stay in my marriage very much longer it could turn on me.  He is playing rougher and poking me on my shoulder harder like my ex husband.  I am seeing signs like my last marriage.  He is telling me that I am hearing words or statements that he did not say or I am obsessing when I feel he is just not hearing me and I become frusterated.  I have been in therapy because I thought I was crazy due to abuses in my past and know I am questioning my sanity again.  I feel like my life has been moving backwards.  We are in conflict at least every other day.  He told me that he had been looking at porn sites a few months ago but he deleate them.  He is in IT so he is always on the computer.  He told me right before he went to work.  I was in Shock!  He never brought it up again.  I was afraid to because it would turn out to be my fault.  I tried to bring it up but he gave some lame speach and then changed the suject.  We haven't talked about it since.   When we first married I was 130 and in the best shape of my life and after five years I am 285 and question where my joy went.  I spent most of my marriage crying in secret.  I have too much stuff,  I need to rid of stuff.  I shoulds and shouldn'ts were what I heard most of the time. I feel alone in this marriage.  He is a workaholic, sportsaholic.  He cleaned out the garage last year and left everything out to get wet in the winter and the garage is now full with other stuff.  I cleaned and organized and got rid of stuff almost every six months and in the house I go through mys stuff all the time and donate things.  His dausghter moved out on bad terms and in Jan and wasn't suppose to move back in but after I spent 3 days cleaning and donating items she my husband said she is moving back.  She is 18 and didn't want to follow house rules.  I told my husband that if she comes back she will own me $290. for having to clean out her room after she abandoned her things.  I asked her if she wanted anything in her room and she said, no.  I asked her if I could donate them and she said yes.  I am not sure what I need to do at this point.  I know marriage is not easy and I do not want to give up on it.  Seeing this show made me frightened.  He did hit his wife but it has been removed from his record now.  He said that she was cheating on him.  He said she would come home late at night drunk.  Her story is that she would come home late hoping that he was a sleep.  He does treat me different around people.  I am withdrawing from him.  I walk around in emotional pain and frustration.      

What you speak of is abuse.   

   

I will come back and post to you tomorrow.   

   

Its getting late, now.   

   

I will come back tomorrow and finish this post to you...please look for it sometime tomorrow.   

   

   

   

Take care.     

 
May 19, 2006, 11:15 pm CDT

Were you talking to AnnPar55?

Quote From: Pleasance

This is not a disease... and the only thing that is doubtful here is that the abuser will change...or actually on going and consistently attend his counseling.  

   

Your comments and stereotypical remarks contribute to the problem.  

   

The women are the reachable ones.  

   

This abuse and violence is learned behavior and is a choice.  

   

These men are killing their wives and their children.  

   

This abuse and violence is a crime, and the criminals need to suffer the consequences of losing their families and jail time.   

this board is a little confusing, but I saw that my message had been quoted and it looks like someone addressed what I said starting with, this is not a disease..I did not say it was a disease and if my remarks seem sterotypical, it's because my statements are facts from a lot of experience.  My remarks do not in anyway 'contribute' to anything, other than this board, so why don't you just let me have my opinion and you can have yours..Thank you. 

 
May 20, 2006, 3:48 am CDT

they know what to say

Just want to say that I would not believe Kerry's husband...abusive men know what to say to counselors and people who are trying to help.  If she went back to him, he would certainly "punish" her for "embarassing" him and running, and putting their story in the public eye.  I know.

Not once did he believe he did anything wrong.  You could see no remorse in his eyes. 

My question: when an abuser is in a rage, does he/she KNOW that he/she is being hurtful?  Is it intentional?

I think sometimes I'm still waiting for remorse, an apology, an admission, from my ex husband.  Watching the husband on Dr. Phil, seeing how it was presented right in front of him, but yet, he still blamed his background and his wife for his rage, I know not to expect any kind of answer or absolution.

 I escaped 5 years ago with what I could fit in my car in 45 minutes.  Long story, one most have heard, different details perhaps.  

Two years ago, I remarried.  This man has no concept of how anyone can hurt anyone else like I have been hurt.   I was in  my former marriage for 20 years.
The scars will always be there, they don't go away.  I still tend to cringe in the car when we miss an exit, etc., waiting to be yelled at.  I don't handle confrontations easily.  I still suffer from low self-worth.  BUT...things are getting better, and they WILL get better.  I didn't believe that when I went through my escape.  I didn't care if I lived or died by then, I just needed to try to get out.

There are blessings.  There is still pain.  It really helps to write, sing, draw, dance, play raquetball, pet a dog, swing on a swing, play the piano, learn something new, hug a child, ride a roller coaster...laugh at something funny, buy something that looks good on you, paint your toenails purple, eat a ripe pear...
In other words...it's ok to live now.  To enjoy all your senses...to learn to live again.  It's a long hard road, but one well worth taking.  I can't believe I can say this.  I hope that I can learn to believe it for myself more and more.

Gina

 
May 20, 2006, 5:44 am CDT

To Kerry from Carol

Deqr Kerry, 

  

Dump Matt.  Run for your Life and NEVER look back.  I predict that within six months he will have another female that he will be beating up on.  Run Kerry! Run! 

 
May 20, 2006, 6:38 am CDT

Escaping Abuse

Abusive relationships ultimately leaves scars on the children that can never be reversed. I was physically and verballly abused for many years, lost my self esteem,  but my abuser told me that he would make me the strongest women that ever walked on earth, and it came back to bite him where it hurts, because I am that women now. I took the bull by the horns, and as in the show, I did leave when he left on a trip to Mass., from Maine, with my youngest child, his daughter, those first few hours that he was gone were horrible, i kept imaging that he knew i was leaving and he would come back to the house, so i waited for three hours, and when he called i knew where he was by the phone call, so i began to gather what belongings i could, loaded them into my lincoln town car, tied on the roof, in the trunk in the back seat and kept making trips back and forth to a friends garage to store my items. I felt like i had lost 20 pounds instantly from nervousness. Becaue my abuser would not put his name on the childs birth certificate, stating to me you will never hold this child hostage over my head if you leave me, i had to contact the sheriff's department to have my daughter returned to me in a public parking lot....i thought then would he drive up and shoot me? he had numerous weapons in the house and later came to go to jail for one years for illegal possession of firearms. I worked heavily with the local police department and a support group that I helped to run called Portal to Hopem promoting me to write a poem, titled, You are not alone...At the first sign of abuse you must leave, there are shelters across the country for everyone, safe houses and your local police department can help you with that, please donate all your old cell phones to the police department for victims of domestic violence that don't have the strength or the courage to go out on your own. I started a new life all over at age 44, with two children, walked away from a home, an income, and returned to my mother, today I am employed fulltime, living in Naples, Florida with my children, have done very well getting back on top and I did it by myself..... 

So please out there, leave, don't look back, we think we love them, but they have made us love them in their own sick way by taking away our self esteem....Good luck to all........... 

 
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