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Topic : 09/07 Cheating Fiances?

Number of Replies: 379
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Created on : Friday, May 19, 2006, 10:24:15 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/25/06) An engagement ring symbolizes a commitment you make to one special person. But Dr. Phil’s guests are accused of the ultimate betrayal: cheating on their spouse-to-be right before walking down the aisle. Melanie says she’s obsessed with catching her fiancé, Mike, in the act. She constantly checks his e-mails and even flew to another town while he was on a business trip to see if he was being unfaithful. Mike maintains his innocence and says Melanie’s prying is putting a strain on their relationship. Will Melanie’s mission backfire on her? Then, Nicole recently called off her wedding because she discovered that her fiancé, John, had sex with another woman one month before their big day. John blames his affair on “hormones” and desperately wants to reconcile. Should Nicole take him back, or cut her losses and move on? Don’t miss Dr. Phil’s seven questions you must ask to see if your cheating partner deserves a second chance!  Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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May 23, 2006, 9:18 am CDT

If your fiancé left a relationship to be with you should you get married?

If they were committed relationship when they met you, and they dropped that person to be with you should you get married?

  

 

  

 

NO!

  

 

  

 

Because these are the kind of people who are always trying to get the best deal and they have no idea of what a commitment is.  It is about what they get not what they contribute.  These people like to minimize their contribution and maximize what they get.  You will also end up short with people like this.

  

 

  

 

There is a big difference between people who end relationships because they are not working and people who end relationships because they “found” something better.  It is not okay to stay in a relationship until you find something better.  People who do this are using someone until they are ready to move on with no real commitment.

  

 

  

 

AND BTW IT IS NOT MEN!  Women are just as capable of cheating as Men.   

 
May 23, 2006, 9:51 am CDT

Beenthere2

Quote From: dpenn575

Yup, sounds all to familiar with me. Mine cheated to, several times during our 15 years of marriage, right under my nose. I felt just like you, mad, wanting to go to counseling, wanting to talk about it. He slamed the door in my face about it and wanted to push it under the rug. You are right to drop him like a hot cake. There is nothing innocent about a man cheating on his wife. I learned that it was he that had the self esteem problems, that he was just using me because he wanted his cake and eat it too. I asked him why he did this to me and our children, and the best answer he could come up with was that "it was a challenge". What a poor answer. I could have handled, I fell out of love with you better than for a challenge. He is now remarried to the last woman he cheated on me with. I tried to tell her that he will do the same to her. She didn't listen. I am remarried now several years later to a wonderful man. Life is good. 

Please don't marry a cheating fiance!  I spent 15 years married to a church going, living a double life cheater.  Because of my belief system at the time, my youth and naivete, I remained with this scoundrel, thinking that if I was sweet enough, loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, he would get over his abusive childhood and the controlling father he blamed all of his infidelities on.  We went for years of spiritual counseling, professional couseling and doctors help for his depression and low self-esteem.  I might just as well have poured my time and money down the drain because he had no intention of doing anything any different.  Why should he?  He had me to clean up his messes, pay his bills and enable him to continue in his adulterous, lascivious behavior and then he had the pastor to forgive him so he carried on.  I'll tell you who the counseling helped;  me.  I learned that only GOD can change a person and they have to want it and people should bear the consequences of their behavior.  Women are usually too generous with the men in their life.  There is nothing wrong with moral, spiritual and behavioral boundaries.  These can be enforced in an adult but firm manner.  When I finally withdrew from this relationship, I found that the roots growing under this tree were actually much worse that I could have ever imaginged.  This man had slept with a good portion of my church.  He had pursued any female that he considered vulnerable.  He had slept with underaged girls including out teenage babysitter.  He had slept with my best-friend and persued my sister-in-law until her husband had threatened him with his life.  Women have been coming to me for absolution for the past decade and this past month I discovered that he taught my daughter how to "french kiss" when she was four and she has been afraid of him ever since.  Don't risk these predators in your life.  If their moral compass is so weak that they can't make a moral committment then they are capable of other violations of consciense as well.  After all,  "Thou shalt not committ adultery"  is not one of the "ten suggestions", it's one of the Ten Commandments.  I realize there are other faiths and sometimes no faith but the whole point is, these people are not whole, they are fragmented and you do not want to commit yourself to anyone who will use you to glue themselves together.  Life is too short and too precious! 

 
May 23, 2006, 9:57 am CDT

Drop him and DON'T LOOK BACK!!!

Quote From: leverett

Drop him fast. You don't deserve that.

He is just not worth your time, let alone taking up any space in your heart!    

   

 Like Dr. Phil says, past behavior dictates future behavior.  There's no space in your heart for trash like him!  I had a good friend that married a cheater, they divorced, then got back together again "for the kids' sake." They divorced again, but they are still trying to make it work, violence getting worse every time.  Their kids are paying the price because of their dad's cheating ways.  They see violence on a daily basis.   Don't waste your time on trash like that!   

   

My friend and I quit being friends when she said I needed to watch out because my then fiancee was going to cheat on me some day, too, because "that's what ALL MEN DO!"  She is wrong, not all men do, and I am blessed to be married for over 13 years now.  My husband NEVER cheated on me and would never start cheating on me, either.  While we were dating, my (then boyfriend) has been there for me through medical diagnosis that most men would say "See you later, bye!"running as fast as they could, never looking back.  A year later, he asked me to marry him, even knowing that I would have medical issues to face every day.    

   

Good men are out there and you deserve so much more than you are getting from the trash you are with now.  Expect more from yourself AND the man you will spend the rest of your life with.  He is out there, but is not the cheater that you are with now.  Cheaters are never "reformed," even through they promise to change.  You are the one who should say "see ya later, bye!" to your fiancé RIGHT NOW!  

 
May 23, 2006, 10:09 am CDT

It's never all black and white

The reason people cheat on their partners is usually because it's either not the right person for them, or not the right time to be in a committed relationship.    

Our society has the whole relationship thing screwed up--women are told to be "good girls" and look for a man to father their children, so they pressure men into monogamous relationships so they can have kids (and financial support). Men agree to this arrangement because they are more sexual than women, and live in a state of sexual deprivation unless they attach themselves to a woman (and frequently, even then they are sexually deprived), but these are the wrong reasons to get married! It's no wonder people screw around--if they took the opposite approach than what society dictates, we would all be happier people   

Let me explain (from the book Love is not a game--(But you should know the odds) by Randy Hurlbert): First of all women should be free to give sex freely, without being judged (using birth control, of course). This keeps men happy and allows them to get beyond the sexual deprivation, because it's really not about sex anyway in the long run, it's about finding your soul mate, your true love, the one you are so connected to you don't even question their loyalty and committment to you--it's just  so there. But to find this person can take a long time and a lot of relationships (which is why "you should know the odds"), and why no one should be monogamous, or even try to be until they think there is a chance that a person might be their soul mate.   

And even then, YOU COULD BE IN LOVE WITH THEM, but not their soulmate, and they aren't yours. Just enjoy loving them and move on. I say this from experience; I'm engaged for the fourth time, at age 48, and I believe I've finally found my soul mate. I still LOVE the other three previous fiances, and am best friends with all of them (as well as many of the hundreds of men I dated), but they weren't right and this one is. Read the book, and you will learn to know the difference. Sometimes the cheaters just need to grow up emotionally (soul mate at the wrong time), and sometimes they do, but you shouldn't stop your search while you wait for them to become ready for committment.   

You should be happy, single and free until you meet the one who is your perfect fit, and then who wants to cheat?  Everyone has a soul mate or two, or three out there in the world, but you have to love yourself and know yourself first, and be willing to learn and grow in order to be ready  to even begin a committed relationship.   

 Also, many people are very happy with someone who they love very much, but who may not be their soul mate; they could have children together or are just good companions, and so they are mature enough to not screw around because they value the relationship for what it is, and there's nothing wrong with that. But for me, I just couldn't settle down with the wrong person so I waited till I found him. Good luck to all in finding their soul mates!  

 
May 23, 2006, 10:21 am CDT

Cheating Fiances

If there is the slightest chance that you can get out the relationship, I would advise you do so. Marriage is very hard to get out of once you are in.   

  

Believe I speak from experience.  I married my husband almost 24 years ago.  I became pregnant right away with my second child (I had another child from a previous marriage...but that is a whole other show).  When I was close to my due date I found out that the child I had been carrying was not my husband's firstborn child....we were engaged shortly before he was sent to Germany on assignment in the Army.  While he was there he started a relationship with a fellow soldier and did not use protection.  She became pregnant...he never told me anything about this woman until I found a letter she wrote to him with a picture of the baby and begging him to come and see his new daughter.  I don't need to tell you how painful that was for me.   

 
May 23, 2006, 11:52 am CDT

try a few other books

Quote From: lolliemc

The reason people cheat on their partners is usually because it's either not the right person for them, or not the right time to be in a committed relationship.    

Our society has the whole relationship thing screwed up--women are told to be "good girls" and look for a man to father their children, so they pressure men into monogamous relationships so they can have kids (and financial support). Men agree to this arrangement because they are more sexual than women, and live in a state of sexual deprivation unless they attach themselves to a woman (and frequently, even then they are sexually deprived), but these are the wrong reasons to get married! It's no wonder people screw around--if they took the opposite approach than what society dictates, we would all be happier people   

Let me explain (from the book Love is not a game--(But you should know the odds) by Randy Hurlbert): First of all women should be free to give sex freely, without being judged (using birth control, of course). This keeps men happy and allows them to get beyond the sexual deprivation, because it's really not about sex anyway in the long run, it's about finding your soul mate, your true love, the one you are so connected to you don't even question their loyalty and committment to you--it's just  so there. But to find this person can take a long time and a lot of relationships (which is why "you should know the odds"), and why no one should be monogamous, or even try to be until they think there is a chance that a person might be their soul mate.   

And even then, YOU COULD BE IN LOVE WITH THEM, but not their soulmate, and they aren't yours. Just enjoy loving them and move on. I say this from experience; I'm engaged for the fourth time, at age 48, and I believe I've finally found my soul mate. I still LOVE the other three previous fiances, and am best friends with all of them (as well as many of the hundreds of men I dated), but they weren't right and this one is. Read the book, and you will learn to know the difference. Sometimes the cheaters just need to grow up emotionally (soul mate at the wrong time), and sometimes they do, but you shouldn't stop your search while you wait for them to become ready for committment.   

You should be happy, single and free until you meet the one who is your perfect fit, and then who wants to cheat?  Everyone has a soul mate or two, or three out there in the world, but you have to love yourself and know yourself first, and be willing to learn and grow in order to be ready  to even begin a committed relationship.   

 Also, many people are very happy with someone who they love very much, but who may not be their soul mate; they could have children together or are just good companions, and so they are mature enough to not screw around because they value the relationship for what it is, and there's nothing wrong with that. But for me, I just couldn't settle down with the wrong person so I waited till I found him. Good luck to all in finding their soul mates!  

huh????????????? 

  

Do you actually believe all this stuff?  Maybe you should do a little more reading to expand your understanding of the many different reasons people cheat on one another.  That simplistic hooey in your first sentence doesn't even come close. 

 
May 23, 2006, 1:46 pm CDT

Cheating.......

All i know through my own experiences...that a man that cheats will always be a cheater...and i dont so believe they will change...that's bull.......they will even say i never did it before yeah because now that they got caught they are telling their partners it was the first time....LADIES, DONT BE A FOOL...OPEN YOUR EYES AND SMELL THE COFFEE WHILE ITS BREWING...because they will not change.....a cheater will always be a cheater and  all he gonna tell you is lies after lies......Are you so desperate to marry this cheater...come on....if you are still youn....i believe you can find someone else better...maybe not now but in the future...a better one that has self respect and respect for YOU.....ME? i dont even believe in marriage...its just a piece of paper that the fools make you sign ( A PIECE OF PAPER, YAH HEAR?) AND YOU ARE TIED...NOW COME ON WHO ARE YOU FOOLING....during the Bible or BBC  there was no such thing and they were having kids after kids...All the people in the bible do you think they signed a piece of paper saying they are married....hell nooooo....there was no such thing and i dont know who invented this crap....
 
May 23, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

For Real?

Quote From: dpenn575

Yup, sounds all to familiar with me. Mine cheated to, several times during our 15 years of marriage, right under my nose. I felt just like you, mad, wanting to go to counseling, wanting to talk about it. He slamed the door in my face about it and wanted to push it under the rug. You are right to drop him like a hot cake. There is nothing innocent about a man cheating on his wife. I learned that it was he that had the self esteem problems, that he was just using me because he wanted his cake and eat it too. I asked him why he did this to me and our children, and the best answer he could come up with was that "it was a challenge". What a poor answer. I could have handled, I fell out of love with you better than for a challenge. He is now remarried to the last woman he cheated on me with. I tried to tell her that he will do the same to her. She didn't listen. I am remarried now several years later to a wonderful man. Life is good. 

His logic for cheating was that "it was a challenge"???  IF he wanted a challenge, why didn't he just  become a contestant on 'Fear Factor'? (j/k)  The "poetic justice" in all of this is that he's in a soon-to-be-doomed relationship with the "cheatee" ~~ we all know Dr. Phil's opinion on relationships born from infidelity, right?  Also, you are much happier in your life with your new husband!  KUDOS TO YOU!!! 

 

OXO
Lucy
 

 
May 23, 2006, 4:26 pm CDT

don't do it!

I was married 18 years to a man that not only cheated on me before we were married, while we were engaged but cheated the night before his first marriage with the Maid of Honor!  If he will do it now he will do after you are married.  It is an addiction and shows that he has no respect for you and no committment to you.  My ex cheated 4 times then went 10 years and cheated on me and the women he starting seeing after that. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.  You will never not worry about him even if he doesn't do it again.  Don't do it. I have been in many hard situations in my life but finally  I left this man who kept telling me he was weak. It has been the best decision of my life.  His kids had to live through the cheating this time, and that is what finally gave me the courage to leave.  DON'T ignore you inner voice, I know I did and after 18 years the decision was really hard on everyone.  I won't make that mistake again. Be smart, Be Strong!
 
May 23, 2006, 11:06 pm CDT

Sounds Familiar

Quote From: dpenn575

Yup, sounds all to familiar with me. Mine cheated to, several times during our 15 years of marriage, right under my nose. I felt just like you, mad, wanting to go to counseling, wanting to talk about it. He slamed the door in my face about it and wanted to push it under the rug. You are right to drop him like a hot cake. There is nothing innocent about a man cheating on his wife. I learned that it was he that had the self esteem problems, that he was just using me because he wanted his cake and eat it too. I asked him why he did this to me and our children, and the best answer he could come up with was that "it was a challenge". What a poor answer. I could have handled, I fell out of love with you better than for a challenge. He is now remarried to the last woman he cheated on me with. I tried to tell her that he will do the same to her. She didn't listen. I am remarried now several years later to a wonderful man. Life is good. 

Funny, mine told me the same thing when i asked him why he did it..."it was a challenge", he just wanted to "see if I could do it", etc. Bastards.
 
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