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Topic : *Dr. Phil Prime Time Special: Escaping Addiction, Part 2

Number of Replies: 169
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 19, 2006, 04:00:50 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Wednesday, May 24 at 8 p.m. (ET/PT) only on CBS


It's an epidemic that is out of control. This year, Americans will spend more than $90,000,000,000 on beer, wine and spirits. Jake and Shellye know firsthand about alcohol addiction. This suburban couple seems to have it all, but they're hiding a dangerous secret. Their excessive drinking threatens to cause serious harm to them and their children. Jake is a heavy drinker who has abused Shellye both physically and emotionally. Dr. Phil stages an intervention with the couple, who confess to risky behavior while under the influence. Will they take his help before it's too late? This important prime time special airs at 8 p.m. (ET/ PT) on CBS.

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June 5, 2006, 9:27 am CDT

jenny

Quote From: forjenny

Hi There, Thank you for the reply.  It has only been a week  I told him to buy his own wine.    

he has and last week for 5 whole days I could look in his eyes and he was there.  It was  

good until Friday night we were discussing money in the bank and I took some out and  

he doesn't like that,  I took more than he knows, and I know I shouldn't do that but we are  

not hurting financially it just seem the bank book is his prize possession.  Long story   

short > He got up sat. morning and packed his work clothes and said he was leaving  

he did for 5 hours and was back.  I am ashamed to say that I felt happier when he left  

than when he came back.   I don't believe he is going to stay half way sober for long.  And  

I guess I don't help matters by wasting money.  I told him it would not matter if he leaves  

or not because We both make each other unhappy and should just end it.  Now he is   

sweet and everything.  I know that won't last either.  Staying confused and tired.  Does  

anyone out there dream about how it would be divorced ?  Am I wrong to think like this?  

My life is not as bad as I have read on these posts.  Should I settle?   This is probably  

the worst time of my life and should be the best.  

Howdy.  I've never been in a relationship with an alcoholic, but both of my parents had this disease and both died of alcohol-related issues.  I, too, am alcoholic but I'm in recovery and now have over 15 years of sobriety. 

  

First, even though everything you are feeling is perfectly "normal", you are in an inescapable situation:  your health (mental, if not physical), and your well-being, are tied in to someone else's addiction.  He is powerless over alcohol and you are powerless over him. 

  

I don't mean to scare you, but the one guarantee in all this is that his drinking will get worse until he makes a complete commitment to getting and staying sober.   You're probably correct when you say you don't think he'll abstain for long -- people who do it in little bursts just to shut up their SO rarely succeed! 

  

I saw where you mentioned Al Anon and his comment that it's you who needs help.  Please realize that Al Anon is not a punishment for your mistakes, nor is it something you need to attend so you can understand him.  It's a gift you give yourself and you deserve it!   I assume you're on these message boards because you're reaching out to people in similar situations.  We can provide ideas, but there is nothing that can replace a real live support group.  In addition to the bonding that occurs, you'll become educated on how to deal with this situation.  (In a nutshell, if you hold out any hope at all for this relationship, you need to set firm boundaries and you need to stick to them).  Anything else is enabling, which he sees as "permission" to continue drinking, regardless of how many times you've begged him to quit.  It's about actions, not words.   

  

Anyhow, I really hope you do this for yourself.  There's no reason you should "settle" for being on the receiving end of addictive behavior that may never change.   

 
June 5, 2006, 5:21 pm CDT

for jenny

Quote From: forjenny

Hi There, Thank you for the reply.  It has only been a week  I told him to buy his own wine.    

he has and last week for 5 whole days I could look in his eyes and he was there.  It was  

good until Friday night we were discussing money in the bank and I took some out and  

he doesn't like that,  I took more than he knows, and I know I shouldn't do that but we are  

not hurting financially it just seem the bank book is his prize possession.  Long story   

short > He got up sat. morning and packed his work clothes and said he was leaving  

he did for 5 hours and was back.  I am ashamed to say that I felt happier when he left  

than when he came back.   I don't believe he is going to stay half way sober for long.  And  

I guess I don't help matters by wasting money.  I told him it would not matter if he leaves  

or not because We both make each other unhappy and should just end it.  Now he is   

sweet and everything.  I know that won't last either.  Staying confused and tired.  Does  

anyone out there dream about how it would be divorced ?  Am I wrong to think like this?  

My life is not as bad as I have read on these posts.  Should I settle?   This is probably  

the worst time of my life and should be the best.  

Hi I read your post and also the Indian who is in recovery. He really hit the nail on the head where he said that the AlAnon meetings are a gift you give yourself so you can have a life of your own outside of his addiction. Plus it helps you focus on new friends and recovery for yourself from living with an active alcoholic. It helps to have that person to person connection and people that have been in it longer will give you their phone numbers so you can call them. Interesting about what happened when you didn't buy the wine. Also when you didn't react  about his leaving. Sometimes they are more likely to get help when the spouse stops what seems like a noble job of trying to get  them to quit. It just gives you stress related health problems as you probably feel.  They do feel guilty about it and that  there might be something they can't control, especially when it is their main coping solution-drinking.They can barely think what they would do if they had to give it up. They are more likely to get help when they are let to feel the consequences of their drinking but NO one will tell you what to do at AlAnon. No one will tell you to leave ,stay or anything. They will recomend you try 6 meetings first before you decide about it. Also you can purchase some books and free pamphlets at meetings that can help you. The Alanon magazine can be ordered online at ALANon-AlAteen.org. It is called the Forum. All the articles are sent in by people going to meetings. Love and prayers for you and your husband. It is a sneaky bad disease that affects the whole family and  not really a moral issue at all.
 
June 6, 2006, 1:47 pm CDT

To : zapatosred

Quote From: zapatosred

Hi I read your post and also the Indian who is in recovery. He really hit the nail on the head where he said that the AlAnon meetings are a gift you give yourself so you can have a life of your own outside of his addiction. Plus it helps you focus on new friends and recovery for yourself from living with an active alcoholic. It helps to have that person to person connection and people that have been in it longer will give you their phone numbers so you can call them. Interesting about what happened when you didn't buy the wine. Also when you didn't react  about his leaving. Sometimes they are more likely to get help when the spouse stops what seems like a noble job of trying to get  them to quit. It just gives you stress related health problems as you probably feel.  They do feel guilty about it and that  there might be something they can't control, especially when it is their main coping solution-drinking.They can barely think what they would do if they had to give it up. They are more likely to get help when they are let to feel the consequences of their drinking but NO one will tell you what to do at AlAnon. No one will tell you to leave ,stay or anything. They will recomend you try 6 meetings first before you decide about it. Also you can purchase some books and free pamphlets at meetings that can help you. The Alanon magazine can be ordered online at ALANon-AlAteen.org. It is called the Forum. All the articles are sent in by people going to meetings. Love and prayers for you and your husband. It is a sneaky bad disease that affects the whole family and  not really a moral issue at all.

I really appreciate all the post from you and Indian.  My 3rd daughter,30, suggested that 

I see a counsilor and I have been looking around for one.  I believe getting advise from 

people other than family, who are too close, is probably a good idea.  I know ultimately 

it is my choice.  He has been really nice and pretty much sober.  Tonight he has to buy 

the wine if he wants it because he drank what he bought last weekend.  We will see. 

Even if he gets sober, I don't know if I can go back to what we had 6-7 years ago, which 

wasn't all that great.  What I need to convey is that my life to others is a dream life.  A 

beautiful home, great kids, we don't argue, my husband is the life of the parties. every 

one loves us as a couple.  What's wrong???  Our home life is not what it seems.  I 

am his caregiver that is all.  He drinks to excess.  everynight especially when he is not 

working it is bad.  He can hardly walk, he bangs into walls and everything trying to get 

from point A to B.  and then mistakes corners, night stand and living room chairs as  

the toilet.  I am constantly cleaning.  thank goodness I don't have an animal  too.  I 

sometimes think maybe I am being selfish.  I don't think it is though,  I don't ask him 

to do anything for me. nothing I do everything for myself I always have.  Why do I have 

to deal with this all the time!!  I really don't think anyone else does.  If this is normal 

please someone tell me.  I don't have friends  so maybe the best thing for me to do  

is go to these AlAnon meetings.  I can't tell him I am going though, he would be mad. 

I never thought in a millon years this would happen to me and after 32 years of marriage 

I would be thinking and dreaming divorce. 

 
June 7, 2006, 7:18 pm CDT

Good ideas

Quote From: forjenny

I really appreciate all the post from you and Indian.  My 3rd daughter,30, suggested that 

I see a counsilor and I have been looking around for one.  I believe getting advise from 

people other than family, who are too close, is probably a good idea.  I know ultimately 

it is my choice.  He has been really nice and pretty much sober.  Tonight he has to buy 

the wine if he wants it because he drank what he bought last weekend.  We will see. 

Even if he gets sober, I don't know if I can go back to what we had 6-7 years ago, which 

wasn't all that great.  What I need to convey is that my life to others is a dream life.  A 

beautiful home, great kids, we don't argue, my husband is the life of the parties. every 

one loves us as a couple.  What's wrong???  Our home life is not what it seems.  I 

am his caregiver that is all.  He drinks to excess.  everynight especially when he is not 

working it is bad.  He can hardly walk, he bangs into walls and everything trying to get 

from point A to B.  and then mistakes corners, night stand and living room chairs as  

the toilet.  I am constantly cleaning.  thank goodness I don't have an animal  too.  I 

sometimes think maybe I am being selfish.  I don't think it is though,  I don't ask him 

to do anything for me. nothing I do everything for myself I always have.  Why do I have 

to deal with this all the time!!  I really don't think anyone else does.  If this is normal 

please someone tell me.  I don't have friends  so maybe the best thing for me to do  

is go to these AlAnon meetings.  I can't tell him I am going though, he would be mad. 

I never thought in a millon years this would happen to me and after 32 years of marriage 

I would be thinking and dreaming divorce. 

Your daughter may have a good idea about the counselor. It's real typical for the family with someone who is addicted to look great on the outside to everyone else . Keeping the secret and covering up for the addicted person is what gets you sick and keeps the person from having to get better . Being a caregiver for an alcoholic is very typical of women in ALAnon. But you learn that by cleaning up after them you are helping them be a "functioning " alcoholic. Without your efforts they might have to get help. It is very normal for living with an alcoholic. Our family always went to church, we got good grades, but at home things were a little nuts. I remember hearing the banging into walls to get from point A to B. My Mom "enabled my Dad by doing everything for him so he could keep functioning and work, but she became resentful of it. The resentment is what can make you sick. In AlAnon no one is really supposed to give advice, just share their own experience. You do make friends at the meetings and trust me relatives and friends of alcoholics are from all professions, etc,etc. and everyone there is there for the same reason -they have a relative or friend who is an alcoholic. The hard part for my Mom was that we depended on my Dad's income so she covered up big time for him. But maybe the meetings or a counselor could help you. I don't know if not cleaning up after him is an option or if you have another place to stay til he cleans it up but that advice I'm not really supposed to be giving!!!:>) There are so many dangers to them when left alone while drinking -fall,aspirating,OD with medication,etc,etc. But it can happen when you are there too. It is just true I know that they are more likely to get help when they have to fully face all the consequences of their drinking and take responsibility for all of it themselves. Rehabs usually work with the AA local groups. AA has all professions . AlAnon has their families. Their best chance of getting sober is sometimes if their spouse goes to ALANON. That way, whether or not they get sober, YOU still have your sanity and a good life for yourself. They know the Gig is up when you don't cover for them anymore. Many wives don't tell their spouses they are going to AlAnon and the meetings are often held in places like church meeting rooms. I used to drive a ways to mine so I wouldn't meet anyone I knew,but it wouldn't matter so much now. :>) It was a big change not to buy the wine for him!! That was a step. A little bit of change at a time that's all it takes. I think my Mom cleaned up a lot too. :>)
 
June 17, 2006, 3:29 am CDT

i am an alcoholic

hi 

my name is nurit 

i am an israeli 44 single mother 

i have not been drinking for a year and 4 months 

i never knew i was an alcoholic till i lost completely control over my life 

i have a 13 year old wonderful son. 

i was surprised how hard and easy it is to stop my addiction but it happened when i understood i have a problem. things only turned out to be wonderful since i woke up to a different world with the help of the AA group here in israel. 

i still want to drink of course.i think this is God's crull joke that the people they most like to drink are the people that are the most not allowed to touch those drinks. 

but 

on the other hand 

all my long lost hopes and desires that drowned in a desperation are becoming real and alive. 

my talents. 

my creativity 

my vividness 

my joy of life 

that where lost in my earliest life are here, 

healthy full of life and with real thrills and joy. i went back to where everything went wrong. i am going through my life's sorrws and sadness and i rebuild the mischiefs that occured. 

i have lots of good news for those who are drawned in despare and agony. 

the hopes you had once a r e  true and possible. the hopes are whom you realy are before everything went wrong. thats the true you.  and the other life is a horrible jorney that can be changed. 

  

nurit 

 
June 17, 2006, 8:48 pm CDT

I ask myself the same question

Quote From: forjenny

Hi There, Thank you for the reply.  It has only been a week  I told him to buy his own wine.    

he has and last week for 5 whole days I could look in his eyes and he was there.  It was  

good until Friday night we were discussing money in the bank and I took some out and  

he doesn't like that,  I took more than he knows, and I know I shouldn't do that but we are  

not hurting financially it just seem the bank book is his prize possession.  Long story   

short > He got up sat. morning and packed his work clothes and said he was leaving  

he did for 5 hours and was back.  I am ashamed to say that I felt happier when he left  

than when he came back.   I don't believe he is going to stay half way sober for long.  And  

I guess I don't help matters by wasting money.  I told him it would not matter if he leaves  

or not because We both make each other unhappy and should just end it.  Now he is   

sweet and everything.  I know that won't last either.  Staying confused and tired.  Does  

anyone out there dream about how it would be divorced ?  Am I wrong to think like this?  

My life is not as bad as I have read on these posts.  Should I settle?   This is probably  

the worst time of my life and should be the best.  

My husand and I have been married for 3 years, we have a 17 month old daughter.  We have always had problems with his drinking. Lately its been pills.  He tells me I over react.  I don't think I do.  But like you I wonder what it would be like to be divorced.  Its so peaceful when he is not around. i don't have to watch him drink beer.  Its gotten to a point where I can't even stand the site of beer or any type of alcohol.  If I had it my way, anyone who was every arrested for a DUI should not be allowed in liquor stores or should have liquor of any kind sold to them.  And those anti-anxiety medications should be outlawed.  They are so abused simply b/c "they've been "prescribed"...  I stay b/c of my daughter.  I want to watch her grow, but I feel like staying is a mistake at the same time.  His money pays for the bills and I'm selfish in wanting to care for my daughter and give her the security I can and the normalcy I can we she and I are alone.  I even filed for divorce recently, but he promised to get better. He's always making sure I am aware that he only had a couple of beers or that he wasted a beer by not drinking it. But then buys his stupid six pack.  History: his father is an alcoholic and substance abuser and addicted to pain pills.  His mother has history of alcoholism and in her family.  She also suffers from mental illness.  why do I stay???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
January 25, 2007, 12:56 am CST

can you help someone that don't wat it

 how can you help someone that don't want it. my husband has a drinking and drug problem but don't want the help for it. i want to help him but don't know how because we live in different states. i had to leave him because of his drinking and drug use. i just want him to get help because we have a 16 month old son and i want him to be a father to our son.
 
March 25, 2008, 5:57 pm CDT

I've quit too!!!!

Quote From: sully5

I hope you two read this and I hope it helps any others struggling..... 

  

I was an alcoholic for over eight years. I only stopped drinking when pregnant, then would slip right back into it. I saw the promo for this show and had to post this...... 

  

First let me say that I haven't had a drink since March 10th of this year, and my husband quit with me. IT CAN BE DONE!!!!!!! I finally stopped because I was so tired of the guilt and so tired of feeling like crap both physically and emotionally. The worst was feeling like a bad mother, knowing I was setting terrible examples for my children. I was the "functioning" alcoholic, never been in trouble with the law, never drove around drunk. I chose to "responsibly" (ha ha) get drunk in the privacy of my home. I was an everyday drinker, cracking open the bud light while cooking dinner, then continuing to drink for the rest of the evening. Then wake up in the morning with a fabulous hangover, feeling my heart racing, feeling guilty, standing in the shower telling God "I know I need to stop this". Then go right back to it. 

  

My main reason at first to quit was my health. I would have episodes with my heart where it would beat like crazy and scare the mess out of me. I have since found out after going to a cardiologist and doing research that alcohol is an absolute poison to the heart. Even though it was scary at the time, I feel that the Lord gives you things to make you change. Call it incentive. I tried to quit last year, but made the mistake of trying to cut down, not totally quit. I was successful this time because I got honest and realized I was an alcoholic and had no control over it, therefore I could never drink again. The first week was hard, thank God I wasn't feeling any physical withdrawl except a headache now and then, but stopping the habit was difficult at first. You have to find things to replace the habit. Sounds crazy, I know, but doing word searches helped me, and I drank lots of fruit juices and green teas. Things I felt were good for me. 

  

After that, all I felt was better. I did it on my own with the help of prayer and basic willpower. I can't honestly say that I have no desire to drink anymore, I would be a liar if I said the thought doesn't cross my mind, but never wanting to be that person again keeps me straight. I really feel lucky to be rid of all the crap in my life that alcohol created, and I never see myself drinking again. I believe everyone will agree with me when I say  "alcohol is not your friend". My main strength comes from the Lord. If you go to Him, I promise He will answer you. It is so awesome to go before Him in prayer now and not feel like a fraud. Waking up in the morning guilt and hangover-free is also wonderful, I feel so clear-headed. My life is so much better now, and it's like I feel my body saying "thank you". And we are saving so much money! Until you stop buying it, you don't realize how much you spend on it.  

  

I just wanted to share with you and anyone else out there that it can be done. For me, it's now a matter of self love and integrity. The way I did it may not work for some, but I feel blessed that it worked for me. I hope maybe my story will help someone out there, you can quit while your ahead and not have to hit rock bottom to change.  

  

-Peace- 

  

  

 

I had my last drink about a year ago  ( March 20th 2007)  then found out I was pregnant (march 27th 2007)  I already have a little girl and while I was pregnant with her found it really really easy not to drink..  about six weeks after she was born I had my first glass of wine,  which turned into a good 18months of drinking everyday..........  well  I am an Alcoholic..mys husband doesn't really drink but has chosen not to drink anymore at all...  I have so far been sober for a year I just don't know weather I can count the nine months of my pregnancy.( A Had a lovely Boy)...Also has anybody found that telling people about it is empowering....I am at the stage where I can honestly say that I don't miss it but still think about it sometimes...  And have a fear of that first drink because I know that would be the start of something...  I feel disappointed...

 
April 21, 2008, 10:10 am CDT

In regards to your post

Quote From: newzealand

 

I had my last drink about a year ago  ( March 20th 2007)  then found out I was pregnant (march 27th 2007)  I already have a little girl and while I was pregnant with her found it really really easy not to drink..  about six weeks after she was born I had my first glass of wine,  which turned into a good 18months of drinking everyday..........  well  I am an Alcoholic..mys husband doesn't really drink but has chosen not to drink anymore at all...  I have so far been sober for a year I just don't know weather I can count the nine months of my pregnancy.( A Had a lovely Boy)...Also has anybody found that telling people about it is empowering....I am at the stage where I can honestly say that I don't miss it but still think about it sometimes...  And have a fear of that first drink because I know that would be the start of something...  I feel disappointed...

I read your post and had to reply -  I know you posted awhile ago but I was flipping thru previous shows and came upon it.

I can relate to your story I know I am drinking too much - it starts with 1 glass of wine and leads to one more etc.  I know I need to just stop  - cutting down will not help at all.  I know it's a bad example for my Kids they are coming into the teen years.

Can you share how you stopped - I know I need to stop "cold turkey"

I have a great job and Family and certainly don't want this interfering with my life, and I don't need it in my life.

 
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