Topic : 05/29 Parenting Dilemmas

I also can't believe the messages on tatoos outnumber the messages on sexual abuse against children. I still can't believe how many people have been affected by sexual abuse. My daughter was groomed by her stepfather-I wish I had known the signs. This needs to be broadcast often because I'm sure there are others out there that don't know this exists. I was brought up in a home that was safe, as was my mom, dad, aunts and uncles.  

I was so in love with this man (my second marriage) and thought he was great. It was very hard to get my mind around what was happening when my daughter finally told me. It all started as soon as we were married in 2000. I had dated him for 2 1/2 years so I thought I really knew him...I thought we were safe...NOT! My children's father was mentally, emotionally, and then physically abusive, so I guess that was what I was looking for. It never entered my mind to watch for a sexual abuser. But as I look back, I can see signs. Just wish I would have known what to watch for. My daughter is now 17 and still has problems. She's not the same girl. He also made a bee-line to my parents and got them to believe him...my dad is still friends with him as is our entire church family. My daughter's father didn't even do anything to him, nor did he spend any time with her. And she really needed him. We don't go to church much any more, as she and I don't have trust in people that we felt were our family, let alone friends. My daughter doesn't even believe in God anymore. She always wears black and has a small circle of friends. I also don't trust anyone either. I spent a lot of time on the couch, unable to do anything-I suffer from depression, fibromyalgia, and migraines. I'm getting better...but worry so about my daughter. 

We did go to a counselor and reported what had happened, but my daughter was so afraid of the tests and the doctors, etc. that she begged me just to let her say that she misinterpreted his touching. I thought the social worker would see through that, but she acted like she was glad to be done with this case. 

There's a lot more to this as I know there is with everyone who has been through this, there's just not enough time or space to warn everyone. 

One thing I will do is tell any woman that he goes out with what happened. I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I feel I owe it to anyone who gets involved with him. He has lost NOTHING for what he did to us. 

  

My mother, may she rest in peace, had a wonderful couple of devices, back in the 50's, for handling three daughters - not triplets - who often wanted the same thing at the same time: clothes, toys, food, whatever, depending on our respective ages.  

  1) The days of the week were in 2 chunks - Mon, Tues, Wed and Thurs, Fri, Sat.  Whenever something was a subject of contention, if it was Mon or Thurs, the eldest had first crack at it, Tues or Fri, the second eldest, Wed or Sat, the youngest.  It wasn't possible to have total equity - for example, on Thanksgiving, which is always Thurs, the eldest always got to sit next to the favorite relative at dinner.  Saturday usually had something special about it.  And Sunday had to be dealt with separately.  The point is is that it was a system we all accepted and worked with, even with occassional inequities.  A long-range version of taking turns.  

  2) A shorter version of taking turns involved a 98-cent kitchen timer.  Setting it for 10, or whatever, minutes meant that when it rang the next person got whatever it was that was desireable.  We all accepted that too - it was fair.  

   Another point about all this is that if the objective is no longer winning or losing, but just managing resources, then contention simmers down.  The object of contention loses its enormous appeal, sometimes.   

  This is just a minute-to-minute solution.  My mother was a wise woman who knew how to identify the problem accurately.  A good model.  

   Suzanne Fremon - New York   

I couldn't believe the response Dr Phil gave this spirited young lady!  Someday she might be hungry and have to get a "real" job in an office?  You've got to be kidding me.  I am a college educated teacher who works with children of developmentally disabled adults.  I also have three tattoos.  Does that make me trashy?  I have never had a problem getting a job because I am a professional, not a trashy person with tattoos.   This stereotype of people with tattoos as losers or pains in societies' backsides is absolutely false.  It also promotes the attitudes of intolerance that plague our world right now.  People should be celebrated for their differences, not shunned.  I was really disappointed to hear Dr Phil's response to this girl and her mom.  Getting a tatto can and should be a meaningful and well thought out experience that you won't regret.  I am all for taking your time and thinking, thinking, thinking about what you want, where it will be and asking yourself, can I live with this the rest of my life?  I am 30 years old now and a mother of an almost two year old.  I can honestly say that I don't regret any of my tattoos and when I see them, I am reminded of the special significance they have for me.  My daughter loves my "pictures" and the children that I work with love them too.  My boss and coworkers all think they are interesting as well.  Honestly, I would not want to work for or with people that would judge me negatively because of art that I have chosen to put on my body.  Get with it, Dr. Phil, let's promote attitudes of appreciation and compassion, not intolerance and negativity.  It will make our world a better place to live.

I am the mother of three grown, level-headed boys and I cannot believe the pettiness of this topic.  There are quite a few people with tattoos, a lot of professionals, a lot of business owners,  a lot of them ex-military men and an awful lot of women as well.................there is absolutely nothing wrong with tattooes and having one doesn't make a person defensive.  That is, in my opinion is an ignorant statement to make, it's a form of art and has been around for centuries,  I personally do NOT have any, but my oldest son, Anthony, 24 yrs old has a few and incidentally is military and is being shipped to Iraq! How important would those tats be if this "young" lady were shipped to Iraq and didn't come back????  Would those tats be that important then?  I taught my kids to treat people as if it is the last time you are going to see them because you know what???  It might.  Just because something isn't to someone's liking does not mean that either person is right or wrong!    And if this "young" lady regrets these later in her life, well it was her mistake and she will be the one that deals with it, not her mother!    

You know I never really liked Dr. Phil but this show took it just a bit to far. It's crap like this that makes people pass judgement on people with tattoos. No wonder everyone thinks people with tattoos have problems, people like the good ol' "Doctor" here are portraying them in a poor light and making them out to be deviants or people with horrible pasts.

I'm 20 years old and I have 4 tattoos, one of which is very large. As I get older I plan to get plenty more including a piece that will cover my entire back. I am however not a "punk" or "goth" or any of those labels you may put me with. I wear designer clothing and in fact look very preppy. I don't drink (AT all) and I dont and never have used drugs. I come from a very good well to do family and I have a wonderful respectful relationship with my parents (who are both conservative but still do not judge me or limit me as far as my tattoos go.) I'm also an excellent student who has a 3.28 GPA average and I plan on become a bussiness woman in the fashion industry. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying it to illustrate a point.

Although I have a tattoo on each foot, my other two are in places that I can very easily hide. In fact most of the time, unless I want them to be seen on purpose, you wouldn't even know I'm one of those "tattooed girls" Tattoos won't prevent me from gettting a job. If I want them to be covered up, I can cover them up. If I decide to go out and a 1/4 sleeve on my arm, then I just wear the right freaking shirt.

People have judged me my whole life and you know what? That's never going to change. And you know what else? I don't care. I know who I am and the people that matter in my life know who I am. In the end, I feel like this is just as stupid as judging someone by the color of their skin, cause you know what? You are judging me and everyone else with a tattoo by the color on their skin.

Wake up with the generation Dr. Phil. Tattoos aren't just a fad.

 When you said that it didn't matter that you got tattoos because you were planning on being a cosmatoligist I knew I had to say something. It is true that many in this field have tattoos and multiple peircings, but what they and you don't realize is that this will limit job options in the future. I am a liscensed cosmatoligist. I have work at several places where there were rules in place about how many piercings and tattos you could have. And at most Spas they do not allow facial percings (or they have to be small and conservitive studs) and you must keep all tattoos cover.  One spa I worked at we had an estitician who had tattos all the way down her arm and refused to keep them covered. On several occasions her clients would either ask for someone else or they would complain after wards and tell us they thought we were an upscale spa. She was eventually fired for her refusal to follow dress code. I know it seems unfair, and it is. But these spas main clientel is older woman with alot of money who come in weekly for facial, massages and to get their hair done. In the sevice industry you don't get to just do what ever you want. Your main concern has to be making the customer happy. If you don't, if you just say to hell with what everyone else thinks, then you will not be successful. That is why these companies have dress codes.  

Even the top stylist in the industry, thought they may have a few tattoos and a facial peircing or two, none of them are over the top with most of their body tatood. Because even they must show a level of proffesionalisim. They didn't get were they are today by not careing what others think. They are all about making their clients happy. That is why they are successful. 

I agree wholeheartedly with you!   The only people that have problems with tattoos are people that are judgemental and have obviously nothing better to do than to sit and judge not only people with tattoos but anything else they may find "improper/immoral" ..............I get looks because I ride a Harley Davidson, I guess that makes me one of the wild women who are passed around by men and prostituted, another absurd fallacy in this society!     

 ...I responded already, I have three grown sons, one is going to Iraq and this mother needs to focus on more serious things that could happen with her daughter than this pettiness!          

I know the studio I went to was and is clean because it is sanctioned by the North Carolina Health Department and held under strict guidelines. Any person wanting a tattoo should make sure that where they go is properly licensed and they can even inquire to the Health Department about any complaints filed against any tattoo studio. I don't consider tattoos that mean something to a person, as mine does, as ugly or defacing of one's body, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. I can honestly say that I have received far more positive and appreciative comments then negative ones when my tattoo is noticed. And by the way..I didn't get my first tattoo until I was 30 years old so I hardly think I was acting like a 15 year old, especially since I don't know too many tattoo studios that would ink a 15 year old.

Most days, I am a Dr. Phil fanatic!  I love Dr. Phil’s “tell it like it is” attitude.  I own most of his books and love them.  However, I was in shock yesterday after watching this show and the advise he was giving Kristina in relation to her tattoos.  Most of all, I resent the “one of these days when your kids are hungry…” comments!!  Really Dr. Phil??  What happened to respecting people for who they are?  What happened to not judging a book by its cover??  Worst of all, the message received from many employers was:  It’s okay to discriminate against folks with visible tattoos!!  The opinions given to Kristina (and frankly millions of people) are that it’s okay to judge people with tattoos.  When the Dr. Phil employee walked out with a suit and tie on and then Dr. Phil revealed his tattoos just proved this point…Is Dr. Phil saying he wouldn’t have hired him if he had visible tattoos even though he clearly does a good job for the show?  Dr. Phil’s perceived opinions about visible tattoos only exacerbated the ignorance of people. 

   

  

IT’S NOT THE 1950’S ANYMORE!!  Tattoos are more and more accepted today.  For example, I am a 33-year old mother of 3 children.  I work as a Legal Assistant to a Judge in Arizona.  As such, I dress in professional attire to go to work. I have an Associate’s Degree and I am presently enrolled in school full-time for Veterinary Medicine.  Guess what???  I have visible tattoos!  <GASP – SHOCK – AWE>  I do an excellent job and I have yet – even once – to be asked:  “You work for a judge??” in sneering disbelief.  Why?  BECAUSE I AM QUALIFIED AND SKILLED AT WHAT I DO!!!!!

   

  

My mother was just like Kristina’s when I got my first tattoo.  I got my first tattoo while I was in college at 21-years old.  I got my second when I was 24-years old, my third when I was 32-years old, and for my birthday I am having another one designed. 

   

  

When I had my second tattoo done, my mother was much more accepting, mainly because society was becoming much more accepting, and she went to my tattoo artist for a special drawing and tattoo.  She’s 55-years old now with 2, working on 3, tattoos.  Guess what…she is a nurse in a nursing home.  Does this make her any less skilled?  No!!!

   

  

Instead of preaching to Kristina about how she’s ruining her life and how she won’t be able to feed her children in the future, Dr. Phil should’ve been preaching to society about their ignorance for judging a book by its cover.  Dr. Phil had a real opportunity to change people’s minds in this regard.  He had a perfect forum to do so.  Instead, he affirmed society’s ignorance and made it clear that it’s okay to discriminate if you have visible tattoos.  It’s funny because he’s usually expressing how damaging this can be to someone’s self-esteem.  I guess it only applies if you have visible scars or defects because that’s not something that can be helped.  I supposed us tattooed freaks will be looked down upon by Dr. Phil and society for a while longer.  That’s pretty unfortunate in my book.  Dr. Phil needs to be consistent in the messages he’s sending to society…I guess it’s not okay to be judgmental toward someone based upon appearance…unless, of course, you’ve been inked!    

I happen to be a cosmetologist with tattoos. While I am sure there maybe places that may not hire you with body art and piercings, there are alot of places that will. I have never been turned down for a job due to my tattoos, nor have I ever had clients turned off by them...to my knowledge. I have had clients from all areas of life, and if anything most people compliement on my tats....even uppper class older woman. They love that I am a fun easy going person, and the fact that I do great hair!!! They don't seem to mind that I am unique. They seem to support it. I am really verty tired of reading messages that say people with tattoos will not be able to get good jobs. For everyones information...the Pediatrician I take my kids to has an earring ( yes, it is a guy)! And he is actually highly reacomended in my area.