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Topic : 05/29 Parenting Dilemmas

Number of Replies: 283
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, May 25, 2006, 09:42:01 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you a parent whose household is spinning out of control? Cindi says her daughter, Kristina, used to be a fresh-faced all-American beauty, but now, with seven tattoos, she looks like a freak! Cindi says that if her daughter gets inked one more time, she’ll cut her off. Then, Nancy was heartbroken when she learned her 17-year-old daughter had been keeping a devastating secret. See this teen's message about how opening up saved her life. And, when Nancy Davis was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 14 years ago, the doctor said her life was over. She knew she had to get better for her three young sons. See her heartwarming message for anyone dealing with an illness. Then, a mom struggles with 7-year-old triplets competing to be the best! Talk about the show here.

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June 14, 2006, 2:25 pm CDT

Response to Listen Up

Quote From: icepnc525

Why are the first 3 pages filled up with messages for the girl with the tatoos?  Yes at her age her's are a bit excessive, but what about the girl who went on national TV and admitted that her step father sexually abused her.  That should turn more stomaches then inking  your body.  Wake up people, this is a huge problem that no amount of ink can cover.  I should know.  I am 36 years old and have just recently admitted to the biggest of the big secrets.......my stepfather sexually molested me when I was young.  My mother and him started dating when I was 2 (after my real father passed away) and he started touching me in areas that a little girl shouldnt be touched.  Then on a trip to California, in which my mother didn't attend, he decided that I needed to find out how oral sex felt.  I left California a different girl then when I went.  I started withdrawing, rebelling against both my mother and her boyfriend.  Thank goodness I didn't turn to drugs or sex.  I kinda just stayed in my own little world harboring the darkest of secrets.  Then at age 14, the unspeakable happened, they got married.  Of course no one figured out anything and I was told by my mother not to mess things up for her, so I kept quiet.  I felt that if I kept the secret that no one else would have to get hurt and I could handle it.  I started getting really premiscuious (spelling) at age 18 and started  using men and throwing them away like trash, I had trouble holding on to friends, because I was withdrawn, and when I did find a guy I liked I couldn't trust him.  I never put two and two together.  I kept going on like this, never knowing.  I finally found a good man and got married at age 26, had a baby at 29 and when my little girl turned 2 it was like a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to go off.  Of course you have to realize that I am an only child and I had the only grandchild so my mother and step father were always around and my husband felt some tension, but never put it together.  One night him and I went out for drinks and I had a few too many, and my husband got brave and asked me some leading questions (yes he is a law enforcement officer) and he had the last couple pieces to the puzzle.  He figured out what had happened to me without me giving all the details.  He begged me to tell my mother and if I didn't then he would.  After much thought I told my mother before she left my house for the weekend.  She wanted to know why I didn't tell her sooner and all I said was I was scared and didn't want to ruin her relationship.  To make a long drawn out story short, it has now been 4 years since I told my mother what her husband of 22 years did to her little girl and she still is married to him and I haven't spoken to her in 3 years.  

   

I have been going through counseling and I think it is helping a little bit, but I am starting to miss having a mother around for the mothering things and I am just not sure how to approach the situation and start to talk to her again without having to deal with her husband.  

Dear one, you have my sympathies. Actually I responded the same day of the show, but maybe it got lost in all the other messages. I know where you've been, what you've gone through since, and how it's affecting you now. My first word of advice to you is to KEEP YOUR CHILD AWAY from that man, no matter how many people may dislike it! When I began to relive the abuse through nightmares, panic attacks, etc., at age 36 (sound familiar) which was 9 yrs ago, my daughter was approaching her 6th birthday. I had never allowed her to be alone with my stepfather (now former, thank God), not even if there were others around, as I knew firsthand how he could molest without others realizing what he was doing. So, I beg of you, please keep that precious daughter of yours away from him.   

  

You should seriously consider pressing charges against him, as people like that do not simply cease the abuse.  Has your husband suggested this, since he's in law enforcement? At least talk to someone in authority, maybe even ask your counselor to accompany you. Mine was willing, but because I couldn't remember whether the stepfather had actually touched my vaginal area (when I would be sleeping), the police said they couldn't press felony charges. BUT, I haven't given up. I don't seek revenge, for I'm a born again Christian, and I do believe that vengeance is God's (otherwise I would have probably shot the man!), HOWEVER, I also know that God does not want me to sit silently by while others may become victim to that man. So, I'm still seeking some way of preventing him from being around anyone under 18. I am also sharing my story with others, and offering assistance in any way I can to help others to heal, and to hopefully prevent innocent children (anyone under 18) from being abused. I believe that something good comes out of every situation, it's just that sometimes we don't always see the end results...that's where faith comes in.  

  

Please don't give up hope, and know that you're certainly not alone. As for your mother, she needs to make some type of choice, and may have already done so. My mother chose to finally divorce my former stepfather. She knew that she would never have a close relationship with my daughter as long as she was married to the man who abused her youngest daughter (he also abused my older sister, but that didn't come out until my revelation did). She realized she couldn't love a man who would do something like that to her children, and she also realized that he had broken the trust and bond of marriage, by living a lie for so many years, and basically committing a type of adultery.   

  

My mom and I are not as close as we once were. I'm still dealing with so much from the abuse, and just so you know, it's a lifelong battle, but there's hope with God. I now live 3 hours away from my mother, because of my husband's job, but also because I needed to get away from where so many bad memories existed. I'm so much more emotionally healthy. I hope that someday she'll finally understand why I had to move away.  

  

Please understand that your mother may be living with a lot of guilt, if she's allowed herself to think about what her husband did to you. She may be feeling shame and embarassment as well as many other emotions. She may be too ashamed to face you. She may be afraid of leaving him and being alone. But that's her problem, not yours. Your first and foremost responsibility is to that sweet child of yours, and protecting her as much as you are able to do so.  Thank God for the older women in your family whom you trust and can talk to; they are a true gift and blessing.  

  

Please e-mail me if you need to "talk" or need comfort. I'm only an e-mail away.  

God's blessings to you...  

 
June 14, 2006, 2:42 pm CDT

"Response to ...you may want to rethink this..."

Quote From: susan2679

The quote below was posted by "beckysam", but she didn't reply directly to your posting so I thought I would copy & paste it as a reply because I think you need to hear this. They may teach kids in school about sexual health, but I haven't heard of any schools teaching a "how-to" course. Where would she have learned about the "grotesque acts"? I really hope you haven't made your daughter feel so guilty that she is now trying to hide abuse to spare your feelings.

"I also can't believe the messages on tatoos outnumber the messages on sexual abuse against children. I still can't believe how many people have been affected by sexual abuse. My daughter was groomed by her stepfather-I wish I had known the signs. This needs to be broadcast often because I'm sure there are others out there that don't know this exists. I was brought up in a home that was safe, as was my mom, dad, aunts and uncles. I was so in love with this man (my second marriage) and thought he was great. It was very hard to get my mind around what was happening when my daughter finally told me. It all started as soon as we were married in 2000. I had dated him for 2 1/2 years so I thought I really knew him...I thought we were safe...NOT! My children's father was mentally, emotionally, and then physically abusive, so I guess that was what I was looking for. It never entered my mind to watch for a sexual abuser. But as I look back, I can see signs. Just wish I would have known what to watch for. My daughter is now 17 and still has problems. She's not the same girl. He also made a bee-line to my parents and got them to believe him...my dad is still friends with him as is our entire church family. My daughter's father didn't even do anything to him, nor did he spend any time with her. And she really needed him. We don't go to church much any more, as she and I don't have trust in people that we felt were our family, let alone friends. My daughter doesn't even believe in God anymore. She always wears black and has a small circle of friends. I also don't trust anyone either. I spent a lot of time on the couch, unable to do anything-I suffer from depression, fibromyalgia, and migraines. I'm getting better...but worry so about my daughter. We did go to a counselor and reported what had happened, but my daughter was so afraid of the tests and the doctors, etc. that she begged me just to let her say that she misinterpreted his touching. I thought the social worker would see through that, but she acted like she was glad to be done with this case. There's a lot more to this as I know there is with everyone who has been through this, there's just not enough time or space to warn everyone. One thing I will do is tell any woman that he goes out with what happened. I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I feel I owe it to anyone who gets involved with him. He has lost NOTHING for what he did to us. "

Dear Susan2679,  

I strongly encourage you to take your daughter to a female counselor, one who can be trusted. I know you don't trust churches right now, but not all churches are as singleminded as the one you left. I grew up in one like that, so I think I understand how betrayed you must feel. My former stepfather was never disciplined (according to scripture) by that church, and there are people there who were once my friends, who have chosen to believe his lies versus my truth. They've also turned their backs on my mother. Thankfully, when I was going through reliving the memories of my abuse, I was by that time in a church where I was totally backed up by the Pastor and elders, as well as my true friends.  

   

I know from experience that until you & your daughter get counseling, there can be no healing. If you'd like to talk further with me, please let me know through this site.  

   

Your daughter's life and self-esteem are at risk, please get her the help she so deserves; it won't be easy, but there's light at the end of this battle. Trust me, I know!  

   

God's blessings to you....  

   

 
June 14, 2006, 3:01 pm CDT

To Proud Mother

Quote From: tobbie1

Dear country mom in MD,   

  I commend you for your courage and your extended dedication to this problem.My little girl was being sexually abused by her father after we had gotten a divorce and she was on her summers with him for long periods of time.I did not find out what was going on until after he had killed his stepdaughter.When this happened my daughter finally spoke up that this had been happening to her also.She was so afraid that because she thought that she was alone in it,but after the death of her stepsister(whom she loved very much)it brought out what he had been doing to her also.She realized ,at the age of 10 ,that she had to tell because it was not her fault he was doing this and that he had also been doing it to her stepsister at the same time.But,It did take her months to see, that she needed to talk about it and help to put him where he needed to be.Don't get me wrong,she loves her father still,but ,she can not forgive him yet for taking her sister away(she was 15 when he killed her and raped her)he is now on death row in the Alabama State Prisons.So,I to can understand your purpose and your fight and I Thank you so much for what you are doing alone in your town and your church.Sincerely,A Proud Mother   

Thank you for your kind response, it was truly appreciated.   

  

I'm so sorry your daughter had to suffer such abuse, and so very sorry she lost her stepsister in such a tragic way. Your exhusband is now reaping what he sowed. Unfortunately, there are too many abusers out there who are getting away with their crimes. It's unfortunate too, that he wasn't caught until he had taken that child's life. I'm so thankful your daughter was spared and that you still have her to love. I hope you both have received worthwhile counseling so you can both heal. I can't imagine how your daughter can still love her father, but then, relationships are so very confusing sometimes, aren't they? We all want a father who will protect us, love us, whom we can trust. I finally realized that God is the only father I will ever have who I can completely trust and whom I know loves me unconditionally. Sorry, don't mean to "preach" as some would think; it's just that God and His Son Jesus Christ are very much a part of my life, and without them, I don't believe I'd be in the wonderful marriage I'm in (for 22 years!) and have the peaceful life I now live, along with my beautiful teen daughter - the light of my life.  I also now have the courage to share my story and the desire to help others in similar circumstances in any way I possibly can.  

  

Thank you again for sharing a painful part of your life with me, a total stranger.   

  

Blessings to you and your daughter,  

A Country Mom in MD  

 
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