Topic : 05/29 Parenting Dilemmas

Thank you.   

Actually I have formed a tight bond with my husband's Aunt, as she lives close and helps me out, listens and I know that I can call her for anything and she loves my 7 year old just like one of her grandchilden.  I have also gotten closer with my mother's brother (my uncle), I trusted him enough to let him know what happend just recently and now he has kinda stepped in as a father figure and calls me or I call him about once every two weeks.   

I just am still confused to whether or not I should pursue any type of relationship with my mother.  I go back and forth and still haven't come up with any real answers. 

I am guessing by the smiley face that you understood that I wasn't judging........ I hope that is the case anyway.........  I try not to judge the inside by the outside -- had too many apples that looked shiny and nice on the outside, but turned out mushy,  rotten, and full of worms on the inside to do the same with people.  :-) 

I see identity as something we all wear or perform -- and tats, body modification, clothes, hair and the like are all aspects of that.  I trust a person who is open and honest and brave enough to show their inside on the outside -- you know they hide nothing that way.   

I have hope that we will see a day that appearances will be the last thing that matters when it comes to our interactions with other people.  

(having just taken my teenaged son to have his tat touched up -- sooner would be better than later.......) 

That is your opinion and you are welcome to it. Opinions vary though. 

Better to be an old wrinkly lady with wrinkly tattoos and no regrets than one that said "oh I wish I had" :-)    

My DH's grandfather is 94 -- and he is finally able to do what he always wanted to do -- but was never "allowed" to.  He came to Disney with us and rode every scary ride there -- he just got back from Hawaii and he went hang gliding while there.  He is one of the lucky ones, he has lived a long life and still has a chance to follow his dreams.  Most of us won't get to live that long -- so we should do the things that make us happy (and harm no one else) while we can.    

There is a sort of jealousy in some of us who allow ourselves to hold off doing daring or different things -- we wish we were that brave, and instead of aknowleging that we look outwards to lay blame or judgement.  I sure wish I had some of that self assurance that those who dare to be different have.   

To queenpatt:  

I can only imagine the pain you must feel as a mother, but please do not feel you "let him down", for you too, are one of his victims. See, that's the thing about sexual abuse, the offenders KNOW how to manipulate others, it's almost an art form with them, it's so perfected. They use shame, accusations, anything to keep the attention off of themselves and on to others. You don't mention how old your daughter was when your former husband began using her. He victimized you both, and he used you both in terrible ways. I pray you both have had counseling, or will get counseling. Without it, you are going to live with this terrible guilt that is not yours; you and your daughter have the opportunity to have a good relationship, perhaps, but only with a lot of counseling.   

Also, you said he was a wonderful man for 8 of your 10 married years...was he really? There are plenty of married men whose wives cannot have sex for physical, health related reasons, but they don't all go looking for someone else to "satisfy" them (by the way, there are other ways without going outside of the marriage!). And how about how he used, abused, and then kicked your daughter out? That doesn't sound like a Prince Charming to me!   

If you are in a good, solid marriage now, HOLD ON TO IT! This current husband deserves your love 100%, IF he is a good husband to you. If you ruin your relationship with him because of some sense of misguided loyalty or guilt over the previous man, then you will truly have something to feel guilty about.   

I pray that you will make the right decisions and be able to move ahead with your life and relationships. If you would like to e-mail me for any reason, especially if you need to "vent", please let me know.  

God's blessings to you...