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Topic : Spirited Kids

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:12:56 pm
Author : dataimport

Is your child a bundle of nonstop energy? Are you exhausted at the end of the day? Share advice and support with other parents of spirited kids.



 
five_o
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October 22, 2005, 1:35 pm PDT

You are not alone!

Quote From: hero71

Thanks for nothing.  I have an appointment with the pediatrician tommorrow, maybe they will help me!
I'm sorry I have no advise to give you. I hope that the pediatrician that you saw can give you some help. My children are very vocal. They have never hit me, but they can scream loud enough for 50% of our town to hear. I am a police officer, and I have been on many calls where the parents don't know what to do, so they call me. Maybe using an authority figure (someone other than mom and dad) to tell your child that his behavior is not acceptable would help. Again, I'm sorry I can't help anymore than that, but I'm at a dead end with my own children. Good luck.
 
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sepheria
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October 22, 2005, 2:13 pm PDT

Where, and What To Do Now?

Quote From: abbizdream

my 2 year old wakes up crying evey morning. she throws fits and I dont even know why. she was always a high matinence baby, but things are getting worse. she gets stuck a million times a day( like she has already gotten stuck under her sisters walker since i have been writing) some people think she has signs off ADHD. I cant seem to get her on any kind of schedual, Especially since our home burnned down last week, we lost everything and didnt have renters insurance. now my husband, our 2 girls and I are borrowing my brothers room. Eden Grace (my little wild child) is having a hard time getting settled in. I feel like I am battling it out with her all day, trying to get our family business in order, and making sure Gabby (our 1 year old) is getting all that she needs.
I can really understand where you are coming from, except for the lose of the home. I myself have a 12 yr old son that is MHMR (he has the mental capacity doctors say of a 5yr old) he is also ADHD. I also have a 16 month old daughter that gets into and out of everything, I also have a 3 month old daughter. I battle it out every day with my son, and Cortney (the 16 month old), they are both so afraid the other or the baby will get more attention then the other. At times my son has gotten violent towards Cortney, as he has also been violent towards our small dog as well, all of this just for attention. In turn our daughter has started also hitting the dog, and our son will turn and laugh and think its all funny. I keep trying to get Cortney on a regular schedule, but its hard cause she likes to try and change it at her whim, she does not like daddy holding the baby, she thinks it should be only him holding her, and that she should be center of attention at all times, and if not she has litterally thrown herself backwards on the floor and throw a screaming tantrum, she has got her legs caught many times in the bars of her crib just because we may not come fast enough when she wakes up screaming. There has been times I have got so mad at my husband because when I have punished her and she's throwing a huge ordeal of a tatrum, and I am ignoring her, he will come in and swaddle her up, and love on her. Which demises me as authority figure, and in turn tells her its ok to act this way. I am at times at my wits end with her and my son. I just try and take it all on a day to day bussiness, and as it comes to me. I don't know what else to do.
 
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jettav
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October 22, 2005, 3:29 pm PDT

Spirited Kids

Quote From: five_o

I am at my wits end. My kids are non-stop, on the go, but when it comes down to harnessing that energy to help me around the house, they are automatically tired. I work 3 jobs, and I'm in school full time (5 classes). I am a police officer; I deliver pizzas; and I work loss prevention (security) at a department store. I am on-call for the ambulance when I am not working or in school. I was laid off from Maytag, when they moved the Galesburg (IL) plant to Mexico. I worked there from the time I was 19 until I was 26. My husband works 2 jobs. My daughter is 5 and my son is 8. I just went to their parent teacher conferences and their teachers both told me that they wish they had more students like my children. They raved about how quietly they sit, and how well they follow directions and get along with other children, and how they can tell that we work together on studying and homework. I know this should make me happy, but I was fuming by the time I left. I have proof that they know how to, and are able to, behave. So why are they so terrible to me? When they are asked to pick up their toys laying all over the house they fight. Bathtime is a fight. If I ask for them to start on their homework, WWIII breaks out. My son will litterally throw himself on the floor and kick his legs and scream. My daughter screams at the top of her lungs. I have actually had neighbors call my Chief and tell him they think I abuse my kids! If anything I think I abuse them by not being strict enough. I always end up being the one who gives in and I just do it myself. In the eyes of the publice I am held at a higher level than most people (because of me being a police officer), and it's just easier to do it myself then deal with nosey neighbors who have no idea what they are talking about. I've tried being nice, I've tried being a bully (not very good at it), I've tried bribing them, now their teachers and I have a plan with using smiley face notes through the week. We thought that maybe if I tell them that I am going to tell their teachers how they are acting they will think twice about being bad. Rewards of stickers would be given at the end of the week for good behavior. Really, I just want to know why they only do it with me. Am I doing something wrong, do they hate me, are they acting out because I'm gone so much.....I need to know.
As I was reading your message, my first thought was maybe you are gone a too much. You know your echedule better then any of us, so is there anything that you can cut back on, how much "fun" time do you have with your children? One thing that works with my kids (2 1/2 and 4 1/2) is that they like to race against time,maybe set a timer for 15 minutes and all of you work til the timer goes off and when the timer goes off, the work for the day is done, the reward for completing home work could be their choice in diner, or desert, or maybe a special sticker on a chart and when they get so many stickers they get to choose a special activity for the family to do together. With the timer, you can up the time after a week or so, set it for 25 minutes then eventually maybe 30 minutes but remember your kids are still young and though they need to know the imporance of doing chores and helping out, they also have their school respeonsibiliites and need to be kids, time to play and hang out wiht friends and family. gotta have balance, maybe also have a jar of marbles or something in a jar and every time they misbehave, they get a marble taken out, start out with a certain amount of marbles and at the end of the day or when ever, they get as many stickers as they have marbles in their jar. LIke if you atart them out with 10 marbles and they don't get in any trouble at all, they will get 10 stickers on their chart, if they lose three marbles they will only get 7 stickers and so on, they will soon see that one has more stickers then the other and there is absolutely nothing wrong with competition when done right and they all know the rules and of course again, when they have so many stickers they can rewarded with anything from a little piece of candy to something big like choosing a fun activity, depends on what you are able to do and what appeals to your kids, I believe kids should learn that chores and getting along can actually be fun and when we all work together, life is much happier, I give my girls coins to put in their piggy banks and this is their spending money for when we go out shopping together. You really do need to be the one to step up to the plate as the parent and make the changes and remember, we teach people how to treat us and children live what they learn, be positive, and firm, stick to your guns and make sure you follow through on consequences, if you don' t then they will continue to do what they are doing.
 
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itsonlyme
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October 22, 2005, 9:03 pm PDT

hang in there

Quote From: hero71

Thanks for nothing.  I have an appointment with the pediatrician tommorrow, maybe they will help me!

hey girl, don't be so down.  I was glad to see your concerns and hope that as a mom I can offer some advice.  I have a 4 year old, too.  my childis a pain in the rear, and I am proud of his mischevious ways.  you know that a spirited baby is a smart baby, this child doesn't agree with your boundries.  when we don't agree with authority we vote, our children aren't that complicated, so they let us know the only way they know how.   

you are doing great by talking to your child, that teaches your child how to replace bad behaviors with good behaviors.  however, you may need to try some new tactics to show him who's boss.  yes, your child can have an opinion, yes, you should show him he is valuable by discussing his opinion, but NO, he cannot react in such inapropriate ways when you, the main authority, sets the rules.   

I tried a strategy that I discovered while watching dr. phil, and it changed my son. 

try this, 

set aside two hours or so, and take your child somewhere fun.  on the way, explain to your child that if he misbehaves you will have to leave.  pretty much, set your kid up to be a pain in the butt.  when your child misbehaves, stop.  get down to his level and say "if you repeat this behavior, we are leaving."  when he does it, grab his butt and leave.  you may have to do this several times.   

it doesnt matter if the store is your problem or not, if you do this consistently, your child will see that you are serious, and behaviors will change. 

please take may advice and use it.  you can apply the basic principle of this tactic to almost any situation. 

I promise it worked for me, and I have raised six children.  your child is a gift from God, and it is your obligation to raise him to the best of your ability.  I know it's hard to deal with an overly inteligent child, but if you mold his behaviors now he will be a much better person for the rest of his life. 

good luck 
 
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lovesown
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October 22, 2005, 10:34 pm PDT

Wits end:

Quote From: five_o

I am at my wits end. My kids are non-stop, on the go, but when it comes down to harnessing that energy to help me around the house, they are automatically tired. I work 3 jobs, and I'm in school full time (5 classes). I am a police officer; I deliver pizzas; and I work loss prevention (security) at a department store. I am on-call for the ambulance when I am not working or in school. I was laid off from Maytag, when they moved the Galesburg (IL) plant to Mexico. I worked there from the time I was 19 until I was 26. My husband works 2 jobs. My daughter is 5 and my son is 8. I just went to their parent teacher conferences and their teachers both told me that they wish they had more students like my children. They raved about how quietly they sit, and how well they follow directions and get along with other children, and how they can tell that we work together on studying and homework. I know this should make me happy, but I was fuming by the time I left. I have proof that they know how to, and are able to, behave. So why are they so terrible to me? When they are asked to pick up their toys laying all over the house they fight. Bathtime is a fight. If I ask for them to start on their homework, WWIII breaks out. My son will litterally throw himself on the floor and kick his legs and scream. My daughter screams at the top of her lungs. I have actually had neighbors call my Chief and tell him they think I abuse my kids! If anything I think I abuse them by not being strict enough. I always end up being the one who gives in and I just do it myself. In the eyes of the publice I am held at a higher level than most people (because of me being a police officer), and it's just easier to do it myself then deal with nosey neighbors who have no idea what they are talking about. I've tried being nice, I've tried being a bully (not very good at it), I've tried bribing them, now their teachers and I have a plan with using smiley face notes through the week. We thought that maybe if I tell them that I am going to tell their teachers how they are acting they will think twice about being bad. Rewards of stickers would be given at the end of the week for good behavior. Really, I just want to know why they only do it with me. Am I doing something wrong, do they hate me, are they acting out because I'm gone so much.....I need to know.
This is so many parents frustrations if they'll be honest.  I have three kids.  All I can tell you is don't lose hope and keep trying new things to reach them.  Being away from them for so many hours can effect them and the fact that you are an officer of the law makes it that much harder.  My husband is the youngest of five kids and a preachers kid.  As a child he felt it his responciblity to perform for other kids and be the example to them.  Perhaps as much as you feel because your held in higher standings because of your position your children feel this to.  What I'd suggest is you talk with them about their position on things.  I don't believe for one minute they react to you as they do because they hate you. They might test you allot and you just need to learn to stick with a plan for an extended period of time.  If you told their teacher how they are behaving at home they might only feel threatened and change how they are. As long as they are respecting their teachers and other folks tell yourself your doing something right and look for that.  Perhaps your answer in how to deal with them directly will be found in it.  Don't take their behavior to personal because kids feel this. Take a deep breath and remember respect works two ways even with kids.  Your on the right track, just take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed, then you'll be better able to deal with whatever comes.
 
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swe_angel
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October 23, 2005, 6:16 am PDT

Kids

 I had a really hard time with my kids, before i understood some things. The kids behavour is like questions..If you "answer" them in a good calm way the kids will soon get satified. And, for the kids..and the family flock, they should be more used so they feel they belong in the family and that the family is "worse" without them. My kids has things now, they have to do so they know their family will not survive without them...everything goes more easy and the energy level is now calmer...

If a young kid in age of 2 wakes up crying, you really need to sit down and ask your self what youre doing and what you send out...the kids havent choise tobe a nightmare..they desperat try to figure out how the world is function and need guidence full of love and respect...

This is words from a swedish author and mom of nine kids

A human being, big or little, must be needed . Being needed is not only--and not even primarily, as I see it--feeling needed emotionally. Being needed means having a task. It is sharing a common mission. It means having a function to fill, where your contribution means something to others. It is being able to say to yourself, " The others are worse off without me ."

Without being needed in a concrete way, demonstrable to us, we humans cannot experience any deeper meaning in life.  

Love mitigates meaninglessness, but love cannot compensate it; not fully, nor very far.  


They, and Dr phil guide me...
 
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sueellis35
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October 23, 2005, 1:18 pm PDT

Depression in boys shows up as anger

Quote From: hero71

I am in desperate need of some good advice for dealing with my son.  he is 4.5 & has a bad temper. When he doesn't get whats he wants or it'd time to leave somewhere, he throws a fit.  It's worse than any temper tantrum.  He hits me, bites me, yells at me & calls me names.  He throws things at me, slams doors & screams.  Since the day we brought him home from the hospital, he has been a pistol.  He screamed until 4am.  I have taught preschool for 5 years & I feel like such a failure with my own son.  I try time-outs & he won't sit still.  I have tried taking toys & special things away, it doesn't help.  We try talking it out & it doesn't help.  In extreme cases, we have given him spankings.  I am at my wits end.  If we are riding int he car & he is mad, he will u unbuckle his seat belt.  Today, we were invited to a friends House after pre-school for a play date.  When it was time to leave, he started throwing a fit.  I tried talking to him about it being time to come home.  I finally had to carry him out with out his shoes or socks on because i had to rush home to get my other son off the bus. As I was carrying him out he slapped me 2 times of the shoulder & once across the cheek.  at that point, I had mixed emotions.  I was sooooooo embarrassed at his behavior & I was angry with him.  I set him down in the driveway & opened the car door & he climbed in the truck.  It concerns me.  My husbands family has a history of clinical depression in his family.  His uncle committed suicide & his brother tried when he was 11.  I don't know if I am headed down that road or if I am doing something wrong.  I just don't know anymore.  Even with all my training & experience in early childhood education, I am confused.  HELP ME!!!!
I have a son that is 9.  After doing research on the computer and speaking to a psychiatrist that I was referred to, I found out that depression in boys shows up as anger.  My son was very irritated all the time, would cry for no reason at all, could not sleep at night.  This was a year ago.  I had my son tested for ADHD come to find out he did have this.  He has been on medication for a year now.  He is on Depakote for depression, risperdal for anxiety and Concerta ER for ADHD.  I tell you the turn around has been phenomenal.  I am not going to say everything is peachy king.  We have our good days and our bad days.  Today has been a challenging day....But I can tell the difference in his school work and for the most parts his day at home.  I am actually able to sit down and have a discussion with him when he acts up and not have to deal with the angry outbursts anymore.  I have to tell you my son is not walking around stoned, and he is highly intelligent which are things that most parents are afraid of when putting their children on medication.
 
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sueellis35
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October 23, 2005, 1:34 pm PDT

Focus on the positve

Quote From: moonshine

I have an 11 year son who cries whenever he is frustrated.  I've tried telling him that it is not appropriate behavior for his age but that hasn't worked.  I've taken toys, etc from him and that doesn't work.  He seems to think he is going to get in trouble if he is messing up.  My husband is a non-rule bender and his expectations are quite high for the kids.  A little history, he has a medical problem which prevented him from growing properly and was quite small for his age.  During that time, every one treated him like he was younger than he was and he would cry to get what he wanted.  Now that the medical end is being treated he still cries.  Anyone have any suggestions to get him to mature so that he doesn't do this?  I'm open for anything at this point. 

I would try focusing on his good days instead of his bad days.  This is a learned behavior, like you said.  So this has become a habit for him.  Instead of taking things away from him when he shows the bad behavior focus on the days that his behavior is good.  Set up a reward system.  Make a calendar and tell him that everyday he does not cry for not getting his way or when he is frustrated he receives a star.  At the end of the week or month (you choose what works best for your budget) he will get a prize.  The prize can be a candybar, a small toy he has been wanting or something like that.  So your other children will not feel left out so the same thing for them.  Does one of your children have a problem tattle-telling? Does one constantly crawl into bed with mom and dad?  Find a behavior that you would like to change in them and do the calendar for them as well so that they don't feel left out.  Also, make sure that your son knows it is okay to cry in certain situations.  It is okay to cry if we are sad about something, it is okay to cry if someone close to us passes, it is okay to cry if we are sad, but tell him when we are frustrated or angry he needs to talk to you or his dad and use his words to exrpress his feelings. 

As far as his dad, you really need to seek counsel on his high expectations.  This could be causing your son extra stress which could be leading to more frustration.  I have a brother-in-law that has very high expectations for his children and I see the nervousness and stress it has caused my sister, niece, and nephew.  So he may need to go to some counseling and find out why he has such unrealistic expectations for his children. 

I hope this helps...Let me know what happens.  Also remember, it takes 21 days to break any habit completely.  Do not be surprised if this does not work immediately.  It could take a month for the new behavior to set in.   

Take care. 
 
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fritangela
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October 23, 2005, 7:05 pm PDT

Spirited Kids

Quote From: itsonlyme

hey girl, don't be so down.  I was glad to see your concerns and hope that as a mom I can offer some advice.  I have a 4 year old, too.  my childis a pain in the rear, and I am proud of his mischevious ways.  you know that a spirited baby is a smart baby, this child doesn't agree with your boundries.  when we don't agree with authority we vote, our children aren't that complicated, so they let us know the only way they know how.   

you are doing great by talking to your child, that teaches your child how to replace bad behaviors with good behaviors.  however, you may need to try some new tactics to show him who's boss.  yes, your child can have an opinion, yes, you should show him he is valuable by discussing his opinion, but NO, he cannot react in such inapropriate ways when you, the main authority, sets the rules.   

I tried a strategy that I discovered while watching dr. phil, and it changed my son. 

try this, 

set aside two hours or so, and take your child somewhere fun.  on the way, explain to your child that if he misbehaves you will have to leave.  pretty much, set your kid up to be a pain in the butt.  when your child misbehaves, stop.  get down to his level and say "if you repeat this behavior, we are leaving."  when he does it, grab his butt and leave.  you may have to do this several times.   

it doesnt matter if the store is your problem or not, if you do this consistently, your child will see that you are serious, and behaviors will change. 

please take may advice and use it.  you can apply the basic principle of this tactic to almost any situation. 

I promise it worked for me, and I have raised six children.  your child is a gift from God, and it is your obligation to raise him to the best of your ability.  I know it's hard to deal with an overly inteligent child, but if you mold his behaviors now he will be a much better person for the rest of his life. 

good luck 

GOODLUCK!!! 
 
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sltell
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October 23, 2005, 9:37 pm PDT

Spirited kids

I am a mother to 3 very spirited kids and one baby who is just starting to show his personality. I love my kids but they do drive me crazy at times. I have had to learn not to sweat the small stuff. I let them run and play and relieve their access energy for about 20 minutes after school then they get started on their homework. It works great most of the time. My oldest,10 almost, is my sensitive one who tends to let thing get to her a little to easy,but that is fine because she takes after her mama. Then their is my  8 yr old son who is ADHD, he has by far been my biggest challenge but God doesn't give us more than we can handle and He definitely has a sense of humor. then there is my 5 yr old daughter, the prissy one who can already apply makeup better than I do. She is the ring leader. I call her my little godfather. you know the one who gets everyone else to do the dirty work so she can say she had nothing to do with it. then there is 6 month old baby boy how is just doing all the fun things babies do. I just want to encourage all out there who have been told the things I have been told over the years. I know that people see spirited kids and think their parents don't discipline them, they just let them run wild. Not true, sometimes the discipline can make them wilder. I have had that happen. Kids will be kids and when you have some as close in age as mine are they are going to be a handful. Just don't sweat the small stuff and everything will come together. Now I am not trying to say I have all of the answers because I don't. I just want to let parents know they are not the only ones.  I want to be encouraging. Without my spirited kids I would have no sense of humor. My house is never spotless, but it looks lived in and very kid friendly. It gets nerve racking and I lose my temper but the kids know I love them. My husband works in the oilfield so he comes and goes at all hours, so our family time does not happen regularly but we try to make it count when we can. The best advice I think I can give anyone is to just enjoy it as much as you can.
 
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