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Topic : Setting Boundaries

Number of Replies: 344
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:13 pm
Author : dataimport
It's important to set healthy boundaries for and with your teen. Share your strategies.

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September 10, 2007, 5:36 pm CDT

16 and happy to help

Quote From: ryan14

who has a curfew,and if you do,how old r u? i'm 17 and i've never had a curfew before. i was just watching a show on tv where they talked about a curfew so i thought i'd ask here.
In my opinion,curfew's are stupid,because people come home when their finished doing what their doing,not when other people want them to come home.
Like when your parents go out at night,they don't come home when someone else wants them to come home,they come home when they've finished doing what their doing.
Mostly everyone here has a curfew. Curfews were made to set boundaries and for parents to know that they kid is home and safe. I know you never had a curfew and you are very lucky because there are times when I wish I didn't have one because I just want to spend all night with my boyfriend, but you have to understand curfews actually save people. The reason why parents don't come home when someone wants them home is because they already had to deal with curfews. They don't need to follow rules because they are the parents. It's their house. They pay for it. They make the rules. To you curfews are pointless, but trust me when I hear a child running around town at 3 a.m. scares the living daylights outta me because they should be home where it's safe for them. To me curfews should be gone when their child graduates high school.
 
September 15, 2007, 10:37 pm CDT

Daughter and college friend

Hello, our daughter is in college in our city, and has a friend from her high school that became her buddy in their freshman semester.  They both felt good about having someone from the old school and started hanging out together on campus.  The problem is that my daughter's friend is clingy, talks non-stop, is loud, needs attention 24/7, and uses every excuse to hang out with my daughter.  This is causing them both to miss out on having other friends.  We plan to have our daughter live on campus next year in an apt owned by the university, but we have told her she has to find another girl to room with.  The friend immediately asks if she could move in next door and be a neighbor!   Does this sound normal?  They're both 19.  My daughter is a little bit shy, but once she gets to know someone she's outgoing.  The other girl is very pushy, doesn't understand boundaries and is on campus mainly to find a husband!  Academics doesn't do much for her.  Our daughter on the other hand is bright, and very capable, but seems kind of lost when it comes to picking a major.  Her friend is the same way, so they're both running around like hamsters on a wheel.  What advice can you all give?   Are we worrying too much? 
 
September 30, 2007, 10:05 pm CDT

Curfew

ok so maybe Iam crazy but I have a curfew for my 19 year old daughter. She lives here and I think she should respect us by being responsible and coming home.
 
October 4, 2007, 8:57 am CDT

respect

Quote From: jaimie1974

Curfews are made to instill a sense of responsibility in children/teens. My daughter has a 10 pm curfew, but if she is at a concert or other event, her curfew is flexible, because I know that the time cant always be predicted. Giving your parents a call simply to let them know that you will be home by a certain time is appreciated, too, so that they dont worry. Curfews arent stupid; they are a necessary part of instilling responsibility into our children.
i don't believe children need cerfews they just need to know the effects of coming home so late...

i believe if you respect kids they will respect you however if you give them cerfews and such then they will resent you.....as long as u trust your kids you dont need a cerfew lets say they come home at 12 o'clock just ask them why they are so late home if they fail to give a reasonable reason then just not let them out the next night....

I think kids only need strict boundries if the parents giving them don't trust them.
 
November 11, 2007, 11:32 pm CST

Curfews

If it weren't for a curfew of  10pm my 14 year old daughter would never come home. she goes to school and comes home, gives me a call at my job to let me know she's home, and then she leaves to her boyfriends house until 9pm school nights and 10pm weekends.  I never see her.  My heart has been broken because I never see her anymore until I hear the door open ALWAYS 15 minutes late and then she goes straight to the refridgerator to grab a bite, then up to her room and shut the door.  She's been removed from HS due to ditching and put into a class to help her get caught up, she's only in the 9th grade.  I feel as if she's untouchable now, if I tell her she can't go out, she will throw a fit and run away, she's done it twice already.  So I told her that she will have to be home by ten from now on and that is the only thing that she does to let me know she's trying.  I've got 3 years left, I wonder what she thinks she's going to do when she turns 18.  I'm heart broken because I miss my daughter and as much as I bribe her with things, she has no interest in spending time with our little family anymore, I have a 2 year old-son, and husband- her step-dad.  It makes me mad sometimes, but I don't know who to be mad at.  Thanks.

 
November 23, 2007, 5:28 pm CST

should step moms have boundaries?

My ex and I have been divorced for a year, separated for 2 years.  We have a wonderful 7 year old daughter.  I have found someone new, not yet married.  Neither of us want to rush because we were both very hurt in our last marriages.  My ex is with a new woman and just recently moved in with her.  He and I, as well as many others out there, do not have a wonderful relationship.  We were dealing with each other for our child.  However, when things can't go his way he gets mad and wants to argue.  We live 2 hours away from each other.  My daughter sees him every other weekend.  She did not want to spend a long period of time with him over the summer because of the new woman she barely knew.  I asked him to understand that for right now but he was extremely mad.  He did not care what our daughter was feeling.  Now, he has his new girlfriend making the phone calls, sending the emails and picking our daughter up.  At first it was fine because all the conversations were about was when she would be here to pick my daughter up.  But, now she is setting the times that I can call my daughter and when my daughter can call me.  She is telling me that maybe I should not work full-time so that my daughter does not turn into a bad girl because she is not going home to her mom afterschool everyday.  My daughter is with them for the week of Thanksgiving and if I did not answer the phone when she had my daughter call then I will not talk to her.  I have a cell phone that has no reception at home and she knows this.  Yet, she has her calling the cellphone instead of the home phone.  For this trip she was to be on vacation with her father, new girlfriend and her 2 boys.  They were to be several hours away from home the entire week.  I found out that they only stayed the weekend.  I feel, hopefully I am not wrong, but they should have informed me of this.  Why?  What if something happened.  I would have only known that she was hours away from their home.  I am not asking for their daily itinerary, but with this situation, I feel that I should have known this.  I could go on and on with all she says and does, but I don't want to sound like a complainer or an overbearing mother.  I too, am a (sort of) stepmom and I would never put my nose where I shouldn't.  She has parents that need to deal with their child.  It is not my place.

 
December 16, 2007, 12:38 am CST

cerfews

Quote From: dr_philisgreat

i don't believe children need cerfews they just need to know the effects of coming home so late...

i believe if you respect kids they will respect you however if you give them cerfews and such then they will resent you.....as long as u trust your kids you dont need a cerfew lets say they come home at 12 o'clock just ask them why they are so late home if they fail to give a reasonable reason then just not let them out the next night....

I think kids only need strict boundries if the parents giving them don't trust them.
are you a teenager, got to be .no parent would ever speak that way
 
December 21, 2007, 6:26 am CST

Hi everyone..

 I've been having problems with my daughter, she's 18...off to college now..well she's a great girl, never got in trouble, valdictorian of  her class, and never really had a b/f  yet..so, I had no worries..but,  she has been difficult, and especially lately...it's gotten worse...

I was wondering if someone can tell me their thoughts, opinions on this..it's Christmas, so this makes it especially hard for me..I'm just trying to get by...I made reservations for us to go somewhere for 5 days...something, we usually do this time of yr..It was going to be a vacation sort of, for her..she's been hanging out in her college town, and figured she wanted to get away..we were going to go visit my parents as well..she's here for 1 month, I believe..that's what she told me, orginally when I made these plans..and I told her about them..so, you would think IF she didn't want to go..she could of told then..we don't get a chance to talk much, as she's ALWAYS BUSY...so, I was feeling it was a go...because, she  knew about these plans..

A few days ago, she kept texting..that she wanted to be gone only 2 days..I said, well I'm going to lose out on the nights..so, one thing led to another..she said, she was going to have her friend pick  her up at the airport..(which made me very sad)...I was looking forward to this TRIP for SO LONG, she's my last to leave home..I was getting all prepared for this..do all those 'mommie' things..that ALWAYS makes her happy...anyway, she's staying at her friends instead..makes me feel REALLY sad...especially, since she left in Aug. and it was one of the hardest things I had to do..so, now I just can't talk to her..

Think you all should also know, we've been having problems for about 1 yr. now..she (in my opinion) has been so hurtful to me..when, she's around me..she ignores  me..snooty with me..I want to get happy and excited, but she makes it impossible..I just want to be AWAY from her..because, EVER visit...(for 1 yr now)...even, when she was here..I've BEEN HURT BY HER..

So, I guess, I feel I'm asking do you all feel..there comes a time, when we have to leave our kids alone..I mean, not communicate for a while..she know this is always been a hard time of the yr. for me..my sister died of breast cancer 3 yrs. ago...my mom, now has cancer..just found out, and I told  her..so, I would think just taking 5 days, out of her 1 month..wouldn't be too much to ask???

Anyway, I just can't talk to her for awhile..I'll make sure she's safe..things taken care of for her..but, that's it..am I being too harsh?

thanks for listening,

Dee
 
February 5, 2008, 9:47 pm CST

what is a step parent to do

I have a 13 year old stepson who lives with dad and i.  He was aboused at age 7 years by a man living in moms garage.  dad obtained custody, now he is a teen and the lifestyle at   mom's is unsupervised, kids do what they want, no rules or consequences.  The lifestyle any kid thinks is cool.  We have structure, consequences, supervision.  I have been mom to this child for many years, i have been involved in his counseling, school, sports activities,  however his mother has shown no interest in his life.  He has told his counselors mom spends no time with him on his visits. Now mom wants custody back.  I believe by letting him go his life would be worse.  His 18 year old sister never finished school, drinks, does drugs, we have proof tried to get him to drink,  my stepson now met a girl at mom's who hangs out at her home, has a girlfriend while seeing my stepson, is telling him she will dump him if he doesnt move with mom. this is his first relationship, everyone at moms tells him its ok this girl is seeing someone else besides him.  i love my stepson like he was my own, i only want him to be successful and live a good life.  he now tells us he wants to live with mom because of this girl.  How do we allow this knowing this enviorment is not safe for him?  i am so hurt that he is choosing this lifestyle over what we have only tried to teach him.  I have 2 grown children who are very successful and only want that for my stepson. He has very low self esteem in which we have tried to help him with.  any advice?  Thank you
 
March 4, 2008, 12:23 pm CST

disrespect from teenage son/possible parental alienation

My fiancee, who has been divorced for over 7 years, has a 15 year old son & lives with his mom 80% of the time. I have been suspicious of parental alienation from my fiancee's ex wife for years because of the way the son acts towards his father. My fiancee has attempted to co-parent from day one but she is unable to because she is a control freak - her way or no way. So whenever there is an issue at our home or a conflict, my fiancee tries to communicate to her and she will always defend the son, saying he doesn't behave that way at her house, or my fiancee needs to read a book on teenagers, etc. So now that the boy is a teenager his behavior is getting more and more arrogant, disrespectful, etc. and my fiancee doesn't know what to do. How does one handle a teenager with attitude anyway? Ignore it? Confront it? It is getting so uncomfortable at times when he visits because inevitably he will push my fiancees buttons and here we go again. In a "normal" family the parents can work out a plan but in this situation where I believe there is parental alienation, how do you cope? How can my fiancee help this kid learn that this behavior is wrong and his father is not "the bad guy" she seems to have brainwashed their son into believing? He doesn't want to give up on his son but it is getting so that he is not enjoying his weekends with his son, and I'm not because of the conflicts. Any suggestions?
 
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