Topic : Setting Boundaries

My brother has a strong lack of judgment, and has currently a severe crack and alcohol problem.  I was molested starting at the age of seven by a family member,  My brother is now staying at his house, I told him not to put the family member who hurt me on the phone, and he continues to do it.  I needed an outlet so, I called a local rape crisis center hot line, and an advocate took the time to listen to my concerns.  My brother keeps crossing the line, and I feel that I am being re-victimized.  Please provide me with a sound word of advice.

I am 51 with 4 adult children. I have been divorced from their father for 8 years. I recently became engaged to a wonderful man. The problems is that I have never had healthy boundaries with my children. They see me as a victim since there father was controlling and emotionally abusive. My 26 year old daughter feels like she must protect from my naivete. I have often confided in my daughter about the men I have dated. I made a huge mistake and told her about a sexual indiscretion with my fiancee. I have taught my daughter all of my life that sex should only happen within marriage. We are religious people and our beliefs are very clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Now my daughter hates my fiancee for what he has "done" to me. I have made it very clear that we did it together.

I realize that the bottom line here is that I never should have divulged this information to my daughter. I also realize that my relationship with my daughter is unhealthy and that I need to change the way I relate to her. My fiancee is worried about her interfering in our relationship which is completely understandable. What can I do to take steps to heal my relationship with my daughter but more importantly insure that my relationship with my fiancee is not sabotaged by may daughter?

I am going through a separation and eventual divorce from my husband.  I have a 15 year old son who was a very good child but has turned nasty and mean.  He has become lazy about his school work and very mean and rude to me.  On occasion he has told me to shut up, ignored advice about studying, and has abandoned his former friends.  Help.  He spends time on the computer, cell phone, xbox or anything else but he won't study or help much around the house.  I don't know what to do.  Please help!

Dear Dr Phil

If a 13yr old boy looses all motivation to do things what is a parent to do?  My 13yr old son is starting high school next year yet for the past 4weeks he has refused to do his reading and book report. He has no previlages left, he comes home from school and if i even mention his reading he goes into his room and goes to sleep.

He was diagnosed by the school as having a reading disability and since then he has been told he only has to do so much, less than everyone else, so he thinks its all very easy. My 11yr old daughter is 1 grade behind him and she feels a little hard done by. Yet, my son is the first one to try and make out he knows something when he realy doesnt.

He has even given up trying to work harder. He goes to school to play with his mates he reakons. The rest he dont care about. I have even been told by his teachers not to Push him to do his work. This I dont understand. No wonder he is bored with school, he has nothing to challenge him as far as I can see. I have tried to get him to take more responsibility for his actions, or lack there of which has ended in no TV for days, no going out, no playing games, no computer. Yet has never been very materialistic. He doesnt have friends over and he acts like he is the bees knees.  His personality is beautiful, towards the outside world. This i feel is partial our fault as this is what we modeled  for years. As we learn better we try to do better. But is it too little too late?

He doesnt want a job, he doesnt want to strive to be anything or anyone. I KNOW he can do. He has been doing karate for 3yrs and learns moves there after only seeing them a couple of times, he picks that up quickly. He can read, becausee i have sat with him and heard him read. Other homework he is more than happy to complete, the reading and book report he just refuses.

After all that story, are you able to suggest something that we can do at this moment to help him see that beauty in reading. I LOVE to read, I read all the time. His father is similar to him, he can read but not very well, but he cant see the story or the msg in the reading. Then they both get frustrated and give it up. They can read instructions but my son does not understand what he reads.

Ok , i know i will write more if i let myself but if you need more please feel free to ask me. I am getting desperate as we come closer to the end of the year and the begining of his first year of highschool.

Please help us motivate him to see how wonderfull life is and much of a previlage it is to be here.

Regards

Tammy