Topic : Setting Boundaries

Quote From: esperanzado

I am the parent of 17 year old twins.  My daughter was once friends with a girl who, because of her promiscuity and dysfuntional family, I suggested to my daughter that she would not be the best person to associate with. This girl would speak graphically regarding her sexual experiences.  At the time, the girl was 13 and bragged about having oral sex with a 21 year old man. When that relationship ended, she began a sexual relationship with his friend.  When my daughter inquired as to how she got the older boyfriends, this girl boasted by explaining her method.  She targeted boys with low self esteem who had little friends.  She showered them with attention.  She found out what physical attibute attracted them and let them explore.  Usually, she used alcohol to facilitate the loss of inhibition.  She gave them a cell phone so she could be in constant contact.  Fast forward a few years and at 16, my son began dating this girl.  When they were caught drinking, the memory of his twin sister's conversation came flooding back with terror.  I shared the story with my son.  He asked the girl who denied it and accused me and my daughter of lying.  My son began spending more and more time with her.  He started skipping classes with her and his grades began to suffer.  He refused to stop seeing her.  I spoke with the girl's mother.  When I expressed concern regarding the amount of time together and the fact that my son's grades were falling, she said that her daughter's grades were fine and she was not going to punish her daughter by limiting her time with my son.  Basically, the mother was enabling the girl's behavior and communication became unwelcomed by her.  We had expressed concern over our son's excessive cell phone use and after receiving a cell phone bill that revealed that the two had spoken to each other for over 5,000 minutes in one month, we took his phone away.  Without our knowledge, they gave him a phone.  When that phone was discovered.  I returned it to the father with a letter stating our concerns and our desire that our son earn the privilege of having a cell phone through improved behavior.  They gave the cell phone back.  When he physically lost the phone, they took an old phone, switched it to that number and gave it to him.  Our son's behavior continued to decline and when we told him that the right thing to do would be to end the relationship, he became outraged. He said the the girl told him that he had to 'fix it," that  people can change and I should get to know her better.  I told him that I did know her and that her behavior was a prime example that she had not effected change. He smashed his fist into the wall.  When he drove off in anger or without permission, he lost use of the car.  We tried using a behavior reward system for him to earn outings and use of the car but he would not hold to it and became outraged when he was told that he could not go out with her as a result.  The last time that he walked out, we warned him that he would lose the use of the car permanently.  She started letting him drive her car.  He asked to be emancipated.  We refused.  He told us that he has never felt loved by us and he feels more love from her family.   He wanted to move in with her. He is now 4 months away from turning 18 and we have told him that if he leaves, we will not pay for college.  He said that he would get a loan.  He thinks her father will cosign, put him on their medical, etc.  This girl has sent me and my eldest daughter letters stating that we need to accept that they are in a relationship.  She does not want him to lose his family, but that it would be his choice. My son now spends most of his time at her house.  He eats most of his meals with her. The two of them spend about 55 to 60 hours a week together. He will just come and go as he pleases.  We never know where he is when he leaves.  He no longer communicates with us. Basically, he just sleeps here.  My relationship with my husband has become strained as a result.  He feels that I am giving our son no options with my tough love stand. The twins are going to the same college and now this girl has decided to go there so they can be together.  She posted derogatory comments on the internet about his twin sister.  This girl now blames my daughter for influencing my opinion of her.  She spreads rumors about my daughter at school.  When my son asked to be emancipated, I informed him the the judge would only grant it if it could be proven that he was being abused.  The next day at school, it was being rumored that my daughter and I were physically abusing my son.  It was received with laughter, but then the rumors regarding my daughter became uglier.  My daughter was diagnosed with scleroderma.  She has an uncertain future and wants to go to college and away from the two of them, but with this girl attending the same school now, she fears it will never end.  How do you deal with a teen with extreme oppositional behavior? It is as if he is suffering from an addiction to this girl. How can you deal with an addiction if you cannot remove him from the environment feeding it? At this age, what are a parents rights?  I have used tough love, but it is heartwrenching to see him in this downward spiral.  More than likely, due to my son's grades the university may rescind his admission.  That will somehow become my fault as well.  Thank you to those who made it through my unburdening.  Sadly, this is just a quarter of what we have had to endure.

Quote From: jaimie1974

This must be so difficult for you; I cant imagine how you must be feeling. Do you have any support, such as a member of clergy, family or friends? You need and deserve someone to lean on sometimes, even if it is just to vent. Please consider talking to a professional therapist about these issues. I recommend that because this is effecting your whole life. The issues with your son are overshadowing all else, even your marriage, and a professional can help guide you through this difficult time. Suffering alone is not a solution.
By telling your son no and/or that this girl is bad news, it only makes him dig his heels in deeper- he is thinking that he is going to show you. He is going to prove to you that you are WRONG; even if that means making bad decisions. Decisions that could follow him through the rest of his life. (Choice of college, etc.)
Your son is very close to being a legal adult, and you will have zero power over him. If you take this and that away, he will pack up and leave. He is doing all of this because he is seduced by the sex that this young woman gives him so freely; you are exactly right when you say that it is as though he is addicted to her- he is addicted to the lust and he believes that losing anything is worth it because he gets to have sex.
Although it will be very difficult, my advice to you is to befriend this young woman. Open your heart and mind and try to accept her as part of your sons life. (I know this isnt easy; but you need to do this because you will lose your son.) This young woman will remain in his life for as long as it is exciting; the fact that this relationship is basically forbidden makes it even more exciting. It adds thrill and excitement that their love is not approved of. So, what do you think might happen if you welcome this young woman with open arms? Within a short amount of time, one of two things will happen: either 1) this family acceptance will remove the thrill and the relationship will naturally end on its own, or, 2) you will get to know this girl and you will accept her because your son accepts her. You might never truly like her, but accepting her will help to mend your relationship with your son.
Think about it this way- so far, what you are doing isnt working. Something has to change. Consider my suggestion. I wish you the best of luck. You and your family deserves happiness; sometimes, that happiness is gained through compromise, even if it goes against all that you believe in. Your son is growing and changing, he is more of a young man and less a child now; your relationship with him needs to naturally change as well. Again, best wishes! 

Quote From: scrdsad

 Hi.. I have a 17yr old daughter who wants to spend all her time on the phone with her boyfriend.  She has a cell phone and uses the house phone constantly.  She gets upset at the boyfriend if he cant stay on the phone for long periods of time.  She gets upset at us if we tell her that she needs to get off the phone.  i feel like she is addicted to him or the phone.  she sleeps with the phone on and him on the other end sleeping as well.  Dont know what to with this behavior...  Anyone have any suggestions please respond.... thanks.

Quote From: charmin5150

I am a single mother with a 17 year old daugher and an 18 year old neice living at home with me.  My 17 year old daughter just got over a very bad mentally abusive relationship with a young man that was verbally abusive and bi polar and stalker.  She recently met a new young man that was able to help move her away from this situation and took heart into understanding the inappropriatness of this other boys behavior.  My ex husband is now very unhappy with the choice of dating this new boy because he has a past criminal record and spent some time at a boys ranch for his charges and has been out about 1.5 to 2 years.  I have a very open relationship with both the girls and they talk to me about everything.  I do emphasis all the time of making good choices and discisions, as well as learning from mistakes.  This young man pleas that he is taking college classes and going to eventually go into the Marines that he has already been set up to go into.  My daughter felt compelled to finally tell her father and her father blew a gasket and made her feel very bad about her choice of boyfriends and proceeded to make comments and verbally abusive remarks about him to his daughter.  Then she advised she would break up with him and he told her she didn't have to but to think about her choices.   Two days later he threatened her and told her she had to break up with this boy and began threatening to take the car and funds away from her as a result of choices in continuing to see this boy.  He then called me, ran the riot act and advised he was trying to keep her from making the wrong decision, threatened me and threatened that he would make her and my life hell if she continued to see this boy.  I have spent a little time with the boy, he treats my daughter and I with the utmost respect and I believe many young people make bad choices and do stupid things when they are kids, that is how they learn from their mistakes.  I don't see this as any long term thing and it is just another passing issue with another teen romance.  I don't feel this boy is harmful, in fact I haven't seen her this bright and happy in months.  She does spend a lot of time with this young man, but both of them seem content with each others company and being around those who accept the issue and give them the benefit of the doubt.  People do change and do make mistakes. 

I've advised her father that just taking everything away and not listening and hearing her out will just alienate her from him at such a crucial time in her life.  Am I wrong for allowing this and what are some suggestions in handling this kind of situation?

Quote From: jaimie1974

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Her father loves her and he wants the best for her- but, he is going about it the wrong way. You are right, he is just going to alienate her, and it is a shame, because she needs her father.

You are aware of this boys past, and you know from experience that he only has respect for you and your daughter- that will mean a lot to your daughter. Does your daughter see her father? Is she distancing herself from him? Just curious.

Quote From: pwilt65

Hello again, 

  

Well, you won't believe this, but here goes. I am the gent who wrote about the disrespectful 18yrold daughter of my former fiancee. :( She was the young lady I asked to leave my home back in Jul. After some very hard days my fiancee & I realized we wanted to be together, and that her daughter was just fine with her dad. After some difficult months with dad, the daughter once again wanted to come back to our home. I asked to speak with her 1st to go over things. She said she couldn't do it after all, and went back to dads. After a couple more weeks the subject of her moving back in came up again. Again she and I spoke and it seemed like we figured it out. She came back, and although she was trying a little more, she started ignoring me again, not even saying hello, etc. I began reminding her about cleaning up after herself, shutting off lights, etc, and things got tense in the home once again. I tried giving her a hug and explained how I wasn't picking on her, just asking her to do what I ask of all the other children. Well the tension continued to build until mom & I were starting at each other. Thanksgiving dinner had only my x fiancee & I at the the table, but she started questionling me about whether or not I was happy, faking it, whether or not it was working out, etc. Could I tolerate things as they were? I said I would smile, but I wasn't happy that I couldn't talk to her daughter about my unhappiness. Things started to heat up, try as we may to calm them down. Finally, my X fiancee said to me out of the clear blue sky that her children were returning from their dads, and that if I raised my voice, which up until then I didn't think I did ( I am 6ft5in and I guess I have a booming voice anyway. I don't think I'm loud, but she says I am when I think I'm not anyway back to the story ) that she would call the police on me, take me down & the house with me! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I sat quietly the rest of the evening in total shock!  On Sat she was asking if I wanted her & her daughter to leave, etc, and I stupidly said if I couldn't have a discussion with the daughter perhaps that would be best. I was scared anyway after her threat to call the police. Sat evening she announced to her kids that they were leaving. I didn't even know this as I continued to try to remedy things. Sun morning I went to church, and when I returned she told me what she told her children. I asked if I could speak to her daughter. After being put off for about an hour with 1 excuse after another, getting dressed, getting ready, still not dressed, etc, mom went in a couple of times to talk to the daughter. I assume it was to ask for an audience for me. So, I knocked on the door, opened it and asked if I could come in. The daughter launched into a tirade, ending up with guess what, another threat to call the police. The X talked her out of it, and even took the phone out of her hand. I hadn't done anything to warrant a response like that. She then said she was leaving voluntarily. This was all played out in front of my 3 kids and her brother. Not good! Of course my X was welcome to stay for as long as she liked, I hoped forever, but she told me she decided she would leave too, but only after finding something suitable. The X left for the day and returned that evening. She was talking with me, my 3 kids and playing with the dog. After about an hour she told me her daughter was coming back. I said that was a bad idea and asked why. I was told because that's where mom was and she did't want to go back to her dads. Upon returning to the home I immediately asked her if she had somewhere else to go, and that I didn't think it was a good idea. She lit into me once again, now only my 3 kids were present. She went around the house to ask who had a problem with her, and said it appeared my kids did not, and only I had a problem. When I asked her not to get my children involved she threatened to call the police on me, yet again for the 3rd time I was threatened with the police. Finally, I called the police. I explained that she was being disruptive & unruly in my home and asked that she be removed. Of course her mom decided she would follow. One of the officers was a friend of mine and asked increduously what had happend? When I explained he said if I thought they would actually call the police I did the only thing I could do, because as a man I would usually be removed from the house. Can you envision anything good coming out of this. Or, are we all better off that it's finally come to this and enough is enough. My kids have had it too.