Topic : Setting Boundaries

I have a three month old who is bothered terribly by cigarette smoke.  I do not let anyone smoke around him, but even the stale smoke from  his grandmothers clothing will cause him to caugh and get stuffed up.  I have no problem telling anyone in my family to not smoke if they plan on coming around him.  The problem is my husbands family.  He will not tell them that smoke bothers our baby because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.  I already feel that his parents do not like me so I don't think I should be the one that has this conversation with them.  How should I let them know that if they want to see our child they can not smoke? 

Personaly, I'd stop after you took most of my clothes away. lol. I'd suggest not letting her do anything. That would make anyone stop. No tv. No phone. No computer. No friends. Nothing but school, homework, chores, showers, and bedtime. Anyone would stop if it became that bad.  

My mom's a strict but loving, Southern woman. I was taught that if you lie, everything is taken away. Lying is wrong. I've learned that. Apparently, your daughter isn't scared that you'll punish her. Which it seems like you've been doing. But if she lies about where she is, check up on her. Call the house, call the place, stay with her at the mall. Don't be incredibally clingy but stay in the mall with her. Like if she's in a store stay outside the store and don't move until she comes out. Take all fun out of her life if she lies again and maybe she'll learn.  

This proves how my mom is, Maybe it will help. 

My sister was supposed to be at a friend's house, sleeping over. At two o'clock in the morning my mother called up the house to ask if Christy, my sister, was there. The answer. No. My mother, becoming incrdibally mad at this point waited until my sister was home the next morning to break the news. You lied, you get punished. No anything.  

If she lies punish her. No matter if it's the tinist of lies. Punish her. Apparently it's the only that will work at this point since the point hasn't gotten across to her yet. Good luck and I hope it helped. 

Even though I am married I can understand completely where you are coming from.  I also have a 14 year old boy. He is from a previous relationship.  I have been trying to tell myself that  is the problem.  But I don't really think it is. He goes to a special school because of this kind of behavior.  At the begining of the school year it was great. He did the work just like he was suppose to. But now we are back to not doing the work until he is good and ready. 

I wonder if it is just a boy thing? I also have a 12 year old boy, but he loves school and learning. I just don't know.   

I hope that your knowing that another family is going through the same things will help you feel better and more hopeful. 

Even though I am married I can understand completely where you are coming from.  I also have a 14 year old boy. He is from a previous relationship.  I have been trying to tell myself that  is the problem.  But I don't really think it is. He goes to a special school because of this kind of behavior.  At the begining of the school year it was great. He did the work just like he was suppose to. But now we are back to not doing the work until he is good and ready. 

I wonder if it is just a boy thing? I also have a 12 year old boy, but he loves school and learning. I just don't know.   

I hope that your knowing that another family is going through the same things will help you feel better and more hopeful. 

 I'm the mother of a 12 year old girl. And quickly reaching my wits end. She lies to her dad and I on an almost constant basis. We are starting to think if her lips are moving.....it's a lie. Sneaking food or hiding food, report cards and hiding dirty laundry are an ongoing thing. I"ve gone to the extent of making them ( we have 2 kids, one boy) sit at the table and eat what ever they got caught sneaking till they were almost green. It worked. The laundry, I took all her clothes away and left her with only the basics to get through the week. I did that for 3 weeks. It seems to be working so far. 

 Report card time, after asking if I was in for any nasty surprises and assured no everything is fine....I was shown a terrible report card. I sit with the kids as they do homework, help if they need it and ask if stuff has been handed in. They have agendas that assignments are written in, I check them and go through them with her. 

We have tried talking to her, we've grounded her, we've taken priveleges away. I've read Dr. phil's advice columns, today her room is getting stripped to the bare minimum. And she will be spending a lot more time there. 

My biggest question is this: if this doesn't work, what do we do next? And there is no way she could be the only kid doing tis stuff.....other parents must just not admit to any of it. 

Help Dr Phil, 

I have been in a relationship for 7 years and married him 2 years ago.  He got custody of his 13 year old daughter 7 months ago and we have been fighting ever since. 

  He never lived with his daughter and his ex-wife, but they do have a very strong bond.  He did have bi-weekly visitation at his home with her until age 8, then very little contact for 4 years because his Ex was mad and refused to allow him to see her, so they only spoke on the phone.  I had met her 3 or 4 time for weekends and spoke to her on the phone every second week and we seem to have a fairly good relationship.   

  The Ex dumped "Jane" on us and said it was his turn,  2 months after coming to live with us Jane disclosed that her step Grandfather molested her (once).  We immediately called police and arranged counseling for Jane.  Police are investigating and charges are pending. 

  In the last 7 months my husband has tried to be Jane's friend instead of her Father.  Jane treats me with little or no respect and I have a problem with this and my husband can't or would understand why I am having a problem with this. He refuses to make her do any chores around the house, every time Jane and I end up in an argument about her attitude with me I fight with my husband.  It has come to the point that I have walked out of the house on two occasions and seriously considered leaving my marriage. 

I have tried talking to him, and he says he sees my side and he is trying to be more of a father figure.  But I find myself resenting her more and more.  I have suggested family counseling and he is dragging his heels.  It seems every time I open my mouth to speak or voice an opinion I am casted as the agitator, that" I am interfering in a "father/daughter talk" and that it upsets him and that I upset her and she rolls her eyes" (his words).  Jane seems to think she is the female head of this household and her father is doing nothing to dispel this notion. 

I know that Jane is going through a lot of issues about her Mother and her Grandfather.  (I was molested as a child and told her this so we could relate)  And I have talked to her and told her that anytime she needs to talk that I am here for her.  I have bend over backwards for her to try and bond.  I take her shopping,spas (manicures. pedicures, hairdressers), stood in line for 2 hours get some singers' autograph.  I really tried because I really do love Jane.  And I believe that she can't punish her mother so I am the next best thing.  She was visiting her Mother for the weekend (they were staying in a trailer and she heard her Mother and the "new boyfriend" having sex, when she told her mother she was uncomfortable with that her mother said " Well if you don't like to hear us, you can always go sleep in the car" 

I have a 23 year old son who was 16 when this relationship started.  Of course there were growing pains between my husband and son but he was never allowed to speak to my husband with disrespect.  He was raised to respect his elders, obliviously Jane was never taught this lessons.  And I don't feel this is too much to ask of a child. 

I know if things don't improve very quickly my marriage will not last as I will not tolerate being treated with disrespect and as a second class citizen in my own home.  Please Dr. Phil is there any help for us? 

I'm screwed! 

We also have a son between us who is 19 months old.  I often feel as if my wife is holding him hostage in order to force me to comply with what she wants, and how she wants me to treat her daughter.  Can you say "resentment"?  My wife refuses to attend family counseling to work out these issues, stating that she knows that she is partly to blame, but doesn't intend to change her behavior. 

OK, so now I'm screwed x 2! 

I have tried to research these kinds of problems on the web and have sent her articles on how important step-fathers are, and what some of the major problems are in step-families, all in the hopes of educating each other on the difficulties and dynamics of blended families.  I’m not sure if she is willing to even try…  As one article I recently read described "... for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad must have the respect of his spouse and stepchild.  Without this, stepdads always becomes the odd man out".  This is how I feel I am treated. 

I do not know how to turn this ship around, but above all, I do not want our family to become just another negative statistic.  We have no other major issues in our husband-wife relationship, and very few minor ones.  We are very compatible in many, many ways, and our morals and beliefs are identical.  We do not smoke, drink, party, or anything else that could cause problems in a marriage.  We are both home every night and on the weekends, we go out and do things together as a family regularly, and together we are able to provide well for our combined family.  And yet despite all this, we are on the verge of disaster. 

I'm afraid that if we can not overcome this issue, it will lead to divorce.  I do not want that... not again. 

Help! 

A loving husband and step-father, 

David