Topic : Setting Boundaries

Well, we bought the book, cd's and tapes, just so we could have it everyplace we needed it, and could get thru it any place.  We did the contract, enforced the rules.  Yes, the stakes were raised, we got oh you don't like my friends, NO, we don't like the c's that were all A's for until this year.  We don't like what we are hearing at school, acting up in class, kissing a girl in the bathroom and cafeteria, while being cheered on.  And yes, I want to know why we did not get a call from school as well?  We are finding things we never thought we would, yes she had internet, chat, all the things they are not to have!!!  No she does not have it anymore due to things we found.  She blames us, nothing is her fault, its her teachers, they hate her all of the sudden.  Clear down to why she does not put her things away, its how she wants to do her thing!  Now we found she is pricking herself, guess like cutting.  She got into wine coolers, liquor, these are locked up, but one bottle from a trip we made was in the fridge, and a few wine coolers.  She is now looking for the keys, we can not trust her.  She is 13 by the way.  We feel like we have a sneak instead of the little girl that we use to trust.  We did what you said held cards so when she did something we would have something to throw down on top of the deck to prove we were watching and involved. Yes, we made mistakes, and should have been more alert, I am sure their were red flags. Called auto parentng, buy them stuff and they leave you alone....most families fall into  this pattern, work work work, to pay the bills, be above the neighbor, make sure your child has more than so and so!!  NO!!  that is not the way!!  I have gone to below part time, her dad can also be here and work from home.  Her mother and stepdad are friends, and we coparent together, yes, its not that hard to act like an adult!!!  I am sorry, divorce happens, some reasons, parents need to act like adults, and put all this stuff aside, believe me its not hard! So now what do I do?  Do I do your next step, clean out her room?  Take all her things, take that risk?  I don't know???? She has raised the stakes so high that sucide, hates us, drugs and drinking are on the table, what is the answer now?   Take her to someone, yes, I can figure that one out, but I just wanted some other thoughts!

Wow.  We laid down the law and said that our 15yrold daughter absolutely cannot date until she's 16.  The issue came up when she was 13.  We have had to deal with some lying and sneaking around but I know from the bottom of my heart that it is worth it for parents to  block those budding romances with all of their might until their kids, boy or girl, are 16.  Kids aren't mature enough to handle all of the emotions and decisions that come with dating, they shouldn't have to.  I would try getting your daughter so involved in church and extracurricular activities that she doesn't have time to think about boys.  If adults get so busy they are too tired for romance, teens and pre-teens can too! lol. Good luck!

i have two teenage children,and one fast approaching all of whom were the sweetest children you could wish for then suddenly when my eldest daughter hit 12 she challenged everything,every day brought a new conflict,i myself had attended parenting classes when they were toddlers and bought ALL the books but nothing and i mean nothing prepared me for this stage of parenting.there were tears and screaming, i felt like the most hated mother in london,i grounded her for bad behaviour,cancelled her outings with friends,i tried everything, and she stood firm and defied me at every opportunity,for most of that year i felt like i was in a battle zone, her grades slipped,she was on report reguarly ,it was the most emotionlly draining experience i had ever had .Untill one day i watched my partner enforce the rules and recieve much the same response as i had and suddenly i realised we needed to change tactics, i decided we needed to pick our battles wisely ,what issues were important and most of all to listen to her and read in between the lines and work out how she was feeling,i would inject humour into her rages,give her a hug and tell her i love her and let her know at every opportunity how much we love her.OVER a year later we have a great relationship,she confides in me,talks to me about her friends and tells me what they are doing,much to my horror at times but she trusts me,i give her my advice and i never choose her friends,she no longer feels controlled,she feels confident in herself to walk away when they are doing stuff she doesnt feel comfortable with,i learned to give her the freedom and responsability she needed and in return she gave me love and respect.when she started to let her barriers down it turned out she was going through alot of problems at school and was having trouble with her friendships which explained her anger,we have a balance and mutual respect for eachother,however my youngest child is now 12 and we are experiencing a similar attitude only this time we are fully equipped and ready to go. this worked for us.......................

Its wonderful that you can admit your mistakes,and that you truly and honestly want to do the right thing. You are so right when you say its "not that hard to act like adults" and its sad that others don't realize that, but its awesome that you have. Your daughter is crying out for more boundaries, and the only thing you can do is give them to her. Dr. Phil's advice would be to clear out her room and make her earn her stuff back, bit by bit. She wants to act like a baby, she gets treated like one. I believe in this concept 100%! Your daughter needs and deserves for you to pull out all the stops to save her from her self-destructive behavior. On Monday morning you must call a therepist, preferably one specializing in teen issues, and get an appt. ASAP. This isn't just your daughter's issue, its the whole family's. Own it to solve it. YOu are on the right path, keep going! You won't have any regrets by going full-steam ahead to save this child.

Hey,  

I gave it a try!  I started with my mistakes in school and what happen when I got caught.  Then her dad did the same.  I said it only took 4 times and I got the pic loud and clear!!  Cause I lost everything, including hairdryer, makeup, and a bigtime hair cut!  We talked about sex, and I said even at 17 I was not ready, but under pressure, I did it!!  I said there were no bells, 2 mins and then no respect for myself.  Then 14 years later, I was divorced, because I don't think I was happy.  I did the buy everything to make me happy, short term.  Now I am happy, I do love these girls, and I have opened a door, that I hope will stay open for ever. 

I told her a true friend will stand with her even if she says no to them, they will respect her and understand she has rules and respect her parents rules.  We said we know your going to make mistakes, but we want you to think it thru, is it worth it?  I said be friends with who ever you want, when it comes to the time of making a decision and that person makes fun of  you due to you saying no, then that person is not a true friend, they are using you.  I said this is not a lecture, just food for thought.  I also told her I know I can not stop you from having sex, but all we ask is you come to us, so we can talk and make sure you know the risk.  You were right, it opened a door very wide, we talked for a very long time.  I printed out some things on drugs, things you get from sex, oral, kissing, and gave her the low down on all of it!  You know I found it is not hard to talk to your children about sex.  In fact once you get going, its really all up hill!!  Now, the door is open with her,. myself, her father,. mother, and stepfather.  She knows we are willing to listen, and care so much!  This weekend she got a payoff for stepping up helping her dad stack a cord of wood, helping me in the house.  Thank you!  I really don't think removing everything from her room was the right thing due to this just coming on so fast.  Plus we gave her the rest of today after chores to play, 30 mins phone time which she had lost. 

I also talked to her about someone touching her and if this happened to please come to us, we had long talks all day.  So yes, what a day we had, baking cookies, long talks, again, yes its an easy conversation about sex! 

We have made the call.  But after speaking with her teachers they said lets try something called the boa effect.  Its where you slowing start removing things on each thing they do until they get the point.  I have called the school, finally they are listining, The reason they said this is due to she had such good things written about her up until this year. I went up to the district of our county.  I will get this taken care of, thank you for taking time to read.

Well, it went down hill, found what she wrote.  Also found knife, straw, aleve she is snorting aleve.  Now why?  What would that do for someone?  I have researced, can't find anything.  She lied right to our face and said well, I am the one that was the best in math class.  Well, not by the mail we recd this morning from her teacher.  She is lying so much, that when I said about her staying after school with the teacher I talked to, she said oh, I did not see her.  Spoke with teacher, she said I was in the class the whole time, and she was with me and helpful.   

She admitted to a lie she told us about the teacher with the camera pointed toward the girls so he could spy.  I am so glad I did not address that one, he would have been ruined, then came after us, we could have been sued, lost everything.  I am at a loss again. 

We have a daughter who was raised on and off by her mother who has been in prison and was the known drug dealer in her area.  She dealt drugs in front of this daughter and didn't care about its affects on her children.  My husband got custody of his daughter and her mother lost parental rights completely.  Now this daughter I will call her K has been exhibiting many of the behaviors that her mother has exhibited.  She will not and refuses to cooperate with even the smallest rules.  She is child that will tell you what you want to her and state she will agree and follow rules and yet will go ahead and do what she wants to do.  She has been in many conflicts with other children and we only know a few of her friends who are either drug types and self mutilators.  She has engaged with bullying and fighting at school and last year she was suspended for almost having sex in the bathroom.  I asked the principal to clarify if they were engaging in sex  and he said they were caught before they had actually had sex, but that is what they were getting ready to do. She denies any of it.  We found KY Jelly in her room with lingerie, She hangs out with drug dealers at school and over Christmat we received a call from another parent asking to bring herself and her daughter over to confront K for getting 2 girls at school to attack and threaten this girl. When confronted she denied of knowing anything and when the mother and another counselor said that K had orchistrated it all she become angry and denied it.  She was confronted by both mother and the girl in person and she showed no remorse at all.  After Christmas we found porno pictures of herself that she took for a guy she liked at school and asked him if he would take more for her.  I found them and freaked out to say the least. She denies being sexually active.  The last situation was 2-3 weeks ago when she became annoyed with her brother because he had said "boo" to her and scared her. They were playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark and beforehand our son was trying to scare her and another friend.  We were out to dinner.  They had all decided to play hide-and-seek in the dark. When my son went to turn all of the lights out to play our daughter picked up a fireplace 3 pronged poker and heald it out in the dark. She waited for our son to walk into it and jabbed him.  He said it scared him so badly that he told her that was dangerous.  When we confronted her she said she didn't care.  I talked to her therapist who politely  told me that what she did was stupid and dangerous but at least she did not say "if I would have hurt or killed him I would not have cared" Well guess what she told me that.  I asked her how she would have felt if she would have injured him? She said it would not have bothered her.  It was just a joke.  My husband asked her and she looked calmly at us and stated I don't care. She said he scared her earlier by saying boo and she told us "I knew this was serious and I wanted to one up him". I told her that that was the type of attitude people in prison for murder have.  She is most of the time around our house calm, cool, and collected.  It seems she is very likable, charming and sweet until you get on her bad side.  Then she seems to want to get even.  She does this with kids at school.  She was verbally abusing a girl at school and it seemed she was threatening her because on a message the girl told her to leave her the f#%$&% alone.  I asked her about it and she said she didn't like her because she was afraid this girl was going to take her best friend away from her ( both girls now have nothing to with her).   I told her that her behavior to most people scares them and that is why they stop being friends.  She gains friends quickly and looses them with 1 to 2 months.  Usually later I find out that K becomes verbally and I quess physically abusive to her friends.  My son is good friends with our neighbors kids and they have told him that our daughter is hanging out with really bad kids at school.  I just don't know what to do.  We are somewhat becoming scared of her.  I don't think she will hurt us (well I am no so sure) but she is definately angry.  She says she feels no remorse or guilt.  When I tried to talk to her about breaking rules and lying she said that she says to herself I will agree with the rules unless I want to do something and then I will go ahead and do it.  She was not angry she was calm and cool.  I aksed her that since she has decided to become the parent and make decisions for herself with no regard for our rules how can we negotiate.  Shey said "I don't know".  Believe me we are consistant with rules.  She has been grounded time after time. Has had her room stripped, has lost all privaleges and I have even closed my business to watch and moniter her to help straigten her behavior out.  She refuses to comply with anything and her violence is progressing.  Though it is resentful/hostile aggression that is well thought out, it is hard to monitor it.   She is not the type to yell and scream. she manipulates and gets even with people. Now she is threatening people with weapons (fireplace poker).  My husband is so upset because he said how can you negotiate with someone who has no guilt, remorse and no boundaries.   Please help us!!!! Someone!! anyone!!! Any suggestions are helpful.

This is an 11 year old.  You do realize that children don't fully develop full formal operations in critical thinking skills until they are 14  years old .  An 11 year old has a hard time taking a full perspective of another person's feelings.  They are very egocentric.  This boy is immature and is acting so.  I would not encourage any kind of relationship because they are children.  That would be like giving a loaded gun to an 11 year old and tell them not to show their friends.  Someone is going to get hurt.  Why is that? Because they are not mature enough to control their impulses. That is because they are not developmentally mature enough (their brains are not fully developed) You are encouraging adult behavior and expecting 11 year olds to respond like adults.  They have a long way to go.  I am curious as to why you feel that your daughter should have boyfriends.  Also I agree that these children are able to love one another.  But there form of love is very primitive and egocentric. That is why this boy is behaving the way he is.  Please don't blame him and treat him like he is an adult. He is not!  You daughter is not either and should not be allowed to have boyfriends.  By allowing your daughter to have these precocious feelings with boys you are going to be surprised when she comes home pregnant at age 14 because she is not mature enough to handle love and develops sexual relationships to get a boy to love her.  I know you love your daughter, but it is important to not be her friend.  It is important to set boundaries and tell her that boyfriends are not appropriate at her age.  She will not like you now but will thank you as an adult when she does not have any children she has to take care of in her youth.

I am in a situation with a soon to be step child that just turned 11 yesterday.  Her mother died when she was 17 months old.  Her father and I found out a few months ago that she has been telling people lies about me and my daughter.  This child has always been one on one with her father, told him what they were eating, where they were going, where he was taking her whether it be the movies, bowling, camping, etc.  Her life was whatever she wanted and she got it. There were no rules and if he asked something of her and she didn't want to do it, she told him no. 

As far as the lying goes...my fiance' FINALLY approached his daughter about her lies, he didn't believe me at first, but she admitted she was doing this.  The problem is, he NEVER did anything about it.  There were no consequences for her actions so now several months down the road, social services was called into school, there is a teacher at the school that has befriended her and fallen right into her lies, the grandmother is involved, she involved her father's family and yet NO ONE has said ONE thing to either her father or I.  We found out about the social services issue because Hailey got scared and told her dad.  He was devestated.  His response to this was to cut off contact with her grandmother.   It's grandma's fault.  I told him that she is responding to the stories she has heard from her grandaughter, do not be so quick to blame everyone else.  I also found out after talking to my faince's sister last night on the phone for the first time in a LONG time that she has told everyone there that I am mean too and that Hailey's grandfather purposely omitted my children from his Christmas to punish me because of it.  This teacher, who I might add is not even Hailey's teacher but a mother of one of her classmates, she has sent letters to my fiance's father, called Hailey's grandmother (her mom's mom) on the phone when they called in Social Services, but NEVER ONCE called US to talk with us.  I feel it is some sort of defamation of my character and it hurts me.  IF they truly feel there is a problem, WHY is no one coming to us?  Social Services didn't even call on us, the counselor said it's probably because they didn't feel a need to, that they didn't feel there was a problem.  But I feel a need to be heard here.  How do you let a child purposely deface you based on lies? 

We have been going to counseling and the counselor told us that Hailey has never had any consequences for her actions.  That she is obviously upset that Dad's attention is not 100% devoted to her anymore.  She can't handle someone else being in his life so she will get attention any way that works.  The lies have worked for her so she uses it.  She told us that Hailey needs to decide in which manner to do this BUT she must go to the people she lied to and admit her mistakes.  She can write a letter, talk face to face, whatever works for her but she MUST step up and "own her mistake."  The first time her father tried to do this three weeks ago, he never followed through, she sat in front of the TV and just rode him out, he never made her do it.  This time she had to stay in her room, she stayed there three daysand wrote letters but they were lies on top of lies, then her father caved.  His response to me was "how long should she stay in her room?"  I told him to remember what the counsleor said, she stays UNTIL she gets the job done.   Remember, this is not a child who has ever been told no and never been disciplined.  The biggest thing is you need to be consistent.  She needs to know you are in control.  You will not just give up because she didn't do what was expected of her. Unfortunately for us, my fiance knows this but didn't follow through and now he must start all over, that is if he will.  I am thinking it may be the end for us, then she wins.  But like the counselor says, she doesn't win, she loses.  We tried Hailey in counseling first but all she said was her dad needs to spend more time with her and she is scared of me.  I'm thinking that the reason she is scared of me is she hears me call my kids on their actions, I don't scream and hollar but I do face it with them and she has never had anyone do that with her.  I have never disciplined her because that is not my place.  I think she is scared of me because I am on to her.  When the counselor suggested that all three of us come in and talk, Hailey wanted no part of it, the counselor said that after talking with me and seeing the big picture, it is because Hailey can't sit in a room with me and talk about this because she knows she will be busted.  SHe told me Hailey is very manipulative and that her father needs to get a grip on this before this really escalates. 

Stand your ground, it won't be easy, but she needs to know that you are the parent, you do not say and do things to harm her and that there are consequences for her actions.  If she has to sacrifice her privledges, and they are not given back until she follows through and EARNS them back, then she will see that you mean business and will not just give up stating "nothing works".  It DOES indeed work, I know this because I have three children, 19, 16 and 6.  It's hard but it's a must and once you get this established, many other things fall in place too. 

Good luck to you!