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Topic : Setting Boundaries

Number of Replies: 344
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:13 pm
Author : dataimport
It's important to set healthy boundaries for and with your teen. Share your strategies.

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December 7, 2005, 6:21 am CST

pwilt65

doesnt sound like the woman is for you... if she cannot help handle her kids and put your relationship strong as it should be and treated with respect... the kids will never follow suit. 

  

Sorry, sounds like you did the correct thing though.  

Jen 

 
December 7, 2005, 6:25 am CST

David

Sounds like she has no trust in you to handle the situation with her daughter in a "correct" way according to her... that should have been resolved before marriage.  She should be backing you up.  If she had questions on how you handle her daughter she should have never married.   

  

I sometimes feel the same way about my husband but I kinda try and steer him in the way I want to discipline the kids as he never had kids and I have had alot of experience.  So I try and help.  SOmetiems he takes it defensively.  But I do trust him that he will not go overboard and hurt them... he just might be more drastic as far as how many things taken away or how long grounded haha.  But I do trust him and will back him up anyday. 

  

Strange... hope it all works out. 

  

Jen 

 
December 7, 2005, 6:36 am CST

easier than it sounds!!

Quote From: anon81974

 Why don't you just concentrate on raising your own children and start dating when the youngest turns eighteen.  That way you are in total control of what goes on in your home and how it affects your children.  It will be the safest place for your kids to be.  And the added bonus will be that they won't have to compete for your love with your fiancee or her kids.
You have three kids.... it's not ALL about YOU anymore.
 Just a thought...

I divorced after 9yrs marriage... I had two kids.  Both were and still some have some problems due to the divorce.  My parents had alot of doing with them as well as I had to live with them to get back on my feet and they babysat while I worked when needed. 

  

My parents let them do more and get away with more... my youngest at the time was spoiled and cryied about everything. 

  

I needed backup when I say something it goes... it ALWAYS helps for someone to say "do what your mother says", "dont talk to your mother that way"... sure alot of kids are raised with one parent and works fine... but my daughters really missed a male figure in the home. 

  

I met a guy and I knew he was it... We married... I have stood by him all the way with my kids... they sometimes have said things in the past that was mean to him like I wish you were not my dad.  But that has pretty much ended and if it is ever said now its because they did not get their way.  Kids test and try the stepparents so much nowdays ... REASON is they want that other figure in their lives especially ones that work well with the whole family and include them in it the family... but they had one parent leave... they test to see what it will take for another to leave... to see if they are in for the long haul or not.... To see if they REALLY do love them or not.   My husband as of now has been wonderful to them... they might not like punishments and stuff but they are almost picking him over me at some points because they love him now... He has now adopted them because their real father abandoned them. 

  

Sure we still have issues... but I will say this.... They would not be where they are today without him in our lives... they have improved SOOOO much since he has been with us.   I have back up they are learning those bounderies.  ITs difficult to learn bounderies when you dont have backup.  My oldest used to be a chronic liar... now she isnt... we still have work to do... but the wrinkles are starting to straighten out alot now.  My oldest now has like a couple days a month she backtalks and she is punished for it.  Someday she will learn.  But majority of the time my kids are well behaved... I do not think that it would be this way if he wasnt with us. 

  

Sometimes its about ALL OF US... not just one person.  We now have a complete family and its wonderful. 

  

Jen 

  

 
December 7, 2005, 6:54 am CST

samanthab

Hi, 

  

I had some problems with Grandparents as well... I have told my parents time and time again what I want and how for my kids... and they still spoil the youngest they helped me sorta raise the last few years... but now I have two other children from my now husband.  She is starting to spoil them so it goes down the line... and I imagine the youngest will be the most spoiled because my youngest brother is the most spoiled by her in our family.  I try and not to give favortism...sure the younger ones need more attention as they are young... but they get the same attention as the older ones when they get that age... with my mom... its the youngest for life.  I believe she might be following some of our rules more than she would if it was just me... she likes my husband and respects his wishes... funny when your own mom respects your husbands wishes over your own??  Screwed up but as long as it works ahaha...  The older two childrens dad abandoned them... but his parents are active in the kids lives a little, they try and visit once a year at least and send presents... they used to give the girls guilt trips about not wanting to talk to their dad and to call him and send him things (even though he wasnt doing those things)... but after they were adopted, I wrote them a letter about it because I didnt think they would know from their son... but pretty much said... they girls need all the family and love they need.  I do not mind you visiting and seeing the kids at all.. but their interest are the most important to me.  If you wish to see them.. you must not give them guilt trips for their decisions... If someday they want to see their real father no problem... but if they dont want to see him talk to him etc... then that is the end of the discussion.  And since then they have even been much nicer to me. 

  

Guess you just have pick your battles... some things for just one day isnt going to effect a child that much... its like a special thing between grandparents and grandchildren... which is why I let some things go with my parents... but if its something that is big then something needs to be said.   Like the gay thing... there is NO reason why that needs to be said to a child.  They dont even know what it means most of the time.. t hat is an adult situation.   Anyways... even though family and love is important to a child... you have to set boundries for grandparents too saying hey you either follow what we want for our childs best interest and respect that... or our child will not be able to visit without us here as well.. sorta like supervised visits so you have control.   If they want that... they will follow you.  I wished I knew these things alot sooner than I did with my kids... I wished I had more strength to stand up back then... but now I do and its my way or the highway haha... but you  have to give them some leaway to have with your child as well that is special to that. 

  

I rememeber things I was allowed to have and do with my grandparents that made it special for me to visit with them... it didnt ruin me at home or my upbrining but it was different.  Things like that is nice.  So you have to choose the important things and let the others go as its only one day a week. 

  

That is just my opinion 

Jen 

  

 
December 11, 2005, 1:54 pm CST

Ready to give up...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 yrs.  He is divorced, 2 kids, daughter 20, son 18.  Me, widowed for 12 yrs, 21 yr old son stilling living at home/fiance & 2 yr old son.  I travel for a living weekly, and the pattern has been that he stays with me Friday nights when I get home from traveling, I stay with him Saturday eve's, then I'm off to the airport again on Sunday afternoon.  His job required he be in Florida a large amount of time from last July, 2004 through May, 2005.  I was able to be with him quite a bit during that time.  During that time, the ex was to be taking care of the kids and instead of keeping them in tact, she allowed them to party at my ex's house 5 straight nights the first week he was gone...to the point of major disruption to the neighbors and as a result began an uphill battle between my ex and I.  In addition to this all, the now 20 yr old daughter has decided dad is spending too much time with "HIS OTHER FAMILY" (Meaning me), money on me and not enough on her and has made it her life's goal to break us up and manipulate her father to the point I can't stand it any more.  Both kids are to be at their mother's 4 nights a week and with their father 3 nights.  They are both at dad's house 7 nights a week, except to sleep and he continues to pay the ex the agreed upon child support. The disrespect the daughter shows her father is unbelievable and me and she is only nice to him when she wants something.  My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline the kids and they take total advantage of his generosity.  In the past month, the daughter has stolen the diamond ring my boyfriend bought me (I do now have it back), thrown away the robe & slippers the kids bought me for Christmas last year, taken and hidden the pictures of my boyfriend & I, thrown all the cards I have bought him on the floor, locked me out of the house and then most recently attacked me in the house.  Through all these things, my boyfriend had not once disciplined her or made her repurchase a new robe/slippers, or apologize for any of the things she has done!  I can't stand the daughter's behaviors anymore but I also love this guy and don't want to leave.  I am no so angry and hurt over all the manipulation/and lack of setting boundarries with the kids that we now constantly fight.  I don't know what to do.  I have begun counseling to try and help me, and he has also agreed to go with me and we have been once together, but I am afraid it's too late....He will NEVER set boundaries with the kids and we will never be OK.  Any suggestions????  I have made all the efforts to try and fix things and he does nothing and she outright refuses to take any responsibility for anything.   HELP!!!! 

 
December 11, 2005, 6:22 pm CST

HAS ANYONE GO THROUGH SAME AS ME.!!

  

  

Christmas is coming up soon . Well, does it look like we will have xmas here .. my husband is very negative about it. He doesnt know how to handle money situtions when it comes to Christmas.My concerned is his attuide is brought up negative way for years. I m the point I need postived good engery about Christmas. Every year for last 3 yrs I ve give money to spend on Christmas  They only used my money to buy me something. My husband is like that always been last minute wait till his penison comes. I ve try to show him how to do this try it its worth it. He s not too happy for me to go away out of town since I complaint about money cannot afford .. but for me to go away just for weekend. Big Deal. I need Dr phil s advice wished had meet him and knock his head off. I wished I had told him it looks like we are not happy together periodly. I wished to have big guts say we cannot keep up like  this negative way I do not need it its going too far. We are in couselling of course. Am I shame of it? I feel some way he s very jealous about money wise or things I have that he doesnt have. Please help.. if u guys have been through whats good advice ANY good points.. perhaps send me to see dr phil. I am sure my husband will listened to him. 

 
December 11, 2005, 6:28 pm CST

HAS ANYONE GO THROUGH SAME AS ME.!!

  

  

Christmas is coming up soon . Well, does it look like we will have xmas here .. my husband is very negative about it. He doesnt know how to handle money situtions when it comes to Christmas.My concerned is his attuide is brought up negative way for years. I m the point I need postived good engery about Christmas. Every year for last 3 yrs I ve give money to spend on Christmas  They only used my money to buy me something. My husband is like that always been last minute wait till his penison comes. I ve try to show him how to do this try it its worth it. He s not too happy for me to go away out of town since I complaint about money cannot afford .. but for me to go away just for weekend. Big Deal. I need Dr phil s advice wished had meet him and knock his head off. I wished I had told him it looks like we are not happy together periodly. I wished to have big guts say we cannot keep up like  this negative way I do not need it its going too far. We are in couselling of course. Am I shame of it? I feel some way he s very jealous about money wise or things I have that he doesnt have. Please help.. if u guys have been through whats good advice ANY good points.. perhaps send me to see dr phil. I am sure my husband will listened to him. 

 
December 16, 2005, 11:31 am CST

Teeage issue with school

I am a single parent with a very bright 14 year old who does not want to put in the work required to get decent marks - for now high Cs/Bs. 

  

I have involved the high school councilor who asked him if he would be willing to participate in getting his teachers sign of work done for the day and homework etc. He agreed and did so for 2 days. Now he says to me I have gotten it signed but forgot at school ... he did not; simply lied! 

  

I have substantially stopped negging him and occasionally take his TV privileges. Now the social councilor says back off and let him figure it out. That taking away privileges are counter productive with school.  

  

Thanks,  

 
December 18, 2005, 7:33 am CST

I have an almost exact situation

Quote From: yeages

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 yrs.  He is divorced, 2 kids, daughter 20, son 18.  Me, widowed for 12 yrs, 21 yr old son stilling living at home/fiance & 2 yr old son.  I travel for a living weekly, and the pattern has been that he stays with me Friday nights when I get home from traveling, I stay with him Saturday eve's, then I'm off to the airport again on Sunday afternoon.  His job required he be in Florida a large amount of time from last July, 2004 through May, 2005.  I was able to be with him quite a bit during that time.  During that time, the ex was to be taking care of the kids and instead of keeping them in tact, she allowed them to party at my ex's house 5 straight nights the first week he was gone...to the point of major disruption to the neighbors and as a result began an uphill battle between my ex and I.  In addition to this all, the now 20 yr old daughter has decided dad is spending too much time with "HIS OTHER FAMILY" (Meaning me), money on me and not enough on her and has made it her life's goal to break us up and manipulate her father to the point I can't stand it any more.  Both kids are to be at their mother's 4 nights a week and with their father 3 nights.  They are both at dad's house 7 nights a week, except to sleep and he continues to pay the ex the agreed upon child support. The disrespect the daughter shows her father is unbelievable and me and she is only nice to him when she wants something.  My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline the kids and they take total advantage of his generosity.  In the past month, the daughter has stolen the diamond ring my boyfriend bought me (I do now have it back), thrown away the robe & slippers the kids bought me for Christmas last year, taken and hidden the pictures of my boyfriend & I, thrown all the cards I have bought him on the floor, locked me out of the house and then most recently attacked me in the house.  Through all these things, my boyfriend had not once disciplined her or made her repurchase a new robe/slippers, or apologize for any of the things she has done!  I can't stand the daughter's behaviors anymore but I also love this guy and don't want to leave.  I am no so angry and hurt over all the manipulation/and lack of setting boundarries with the kids that we now constantly fight.  I don't know what to do.  I have begun counseling to try and help me, and he has also agreed to go with me and we have been once together, but I am afraid it's too late....He will NEVER set boundaries with the kids and we will never be OK.  Any suggestions????  I have made all the efforts to try and fix things and he does nothing and she outright refuses to take any responsibility for anything.   HELP!!!! 

Except I'm the man and it's my girlfriend, now X fiancee, who has the manipulating daughter. I will tell you as I continue to research and counsel that they are co-dependant and co-enablers. The daughter in my case didn't approve of me, and the X and the dad didn't approve of her boyfriend. The daughter refused to back down, and still sees the boyfriend, but the X cannot see me because the daughter will fly into a rage. The situation is not winnable for either of us. The children will come 1st, because of the guilt the parents have. I have learned so very much from this. Although my X and I had no issues between us, and I mean none, when it came to the daughter I couldn't suggest a thing, say anything, ask her to do anything because it was perceived as if I was picking on  her. But I have 3 of my own, and I didn't ask the young lady to do anything I wouldn't ask my own. Moreover, the X allowed me to ask and expect the same from her son. It was just the daughter who had to be treated in a special way. 

  

I live in NY, where do you live? Write back, we have a lot to talk about. I'm not saying misery loves company, but at least I have found someone who will understand what I went through, and still go through because the X at times tells me she wants to date me 1 day, then no the next day. I think it's because of her daughter again when she says no. It's absolutely NUTS! 

  

Paul-pwilt65 

 
December 22, 2005, 9:18 am CST

Setting boundaries

Quote From: nalysse

Talk to your x and tell him that he can see his kids, but he cannot invade your privacy. Let him know the ground rules. Depending on how bad it is, you may consider getting a restraining order.  The only thing he should be allowed to do is see his kids. The rest of what he is doing is an invasion of your privacy. Making it legal, as to when and how he can see his kids, may make him see that you mean business, and hopefully he will get on with his own life and stay out of yours. If you don't do this, you may end up losing the relationship that you are in right now. How long do you think your new boyfriend will put up with your x's behavior? 

  

Good Luck 

Some men just can't let go.  Hopefully you kept a copy of the message he left on your phone because you may need to put a restraining order against him if you don't have one already. Personally, I would communicate through a lawyer rather than in person.  It is correct that he should only be allowed to see the kids and this should be under specific conditions and at specific times.  Sounds like this person has some serious head problems.
 
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