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Topic : Setting Boundaries

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:13 pm
Author : dataimport
It's important to set healthy boundaries for and with your teen. Share your strategies.

 
jkstoned
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May 22, 2006, 4:27 pm PDT

Don't thank me, it's your decision, not mine. I may not be correct.

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omg!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

Don't thank me, it's your decision in the end. Think about it. Weigh the pros and cons and tell us about your decision and your experiences. I am 18 years old and I didn't have the money or the self-esteem to go to my prom. I don't regret it because I probably would have gotten seriously depressed, done drugs and done something stupid. 
 
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maryanne64
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May 24, 2006, 11:20 pm PDT

Setting Boundaries

Quote From: loreleimb

I have three daughters, ages 15, 17, and 20.  I, too, was hesitant about letting my oldest daughter date boys in other grades.  What I found out was that it is better to allow dating within reason and with much supervision, than to forbid it.  In my case, it was a certain boy that she wanted to date that was two years older. I forbid it and she mourned in her room, crying quietly every night for a month.  I finally allowed this boy to come to our home for dinner a few times to get to know him and met his mother.  In the end, I allowed her to date him and the relationship is one of the happiest memories she has.  We are still friendly with this young man and, through a tremendous amount of open communication and supervision, she learned a lot about dating and relationships.  Perhaps your stepdaughter is pushing this matter because there is a particular boy that she is in whom she is interested.  If so, maybe you could get to know this young man and decide from there.  This is a never-ending challenge.  There are boys that are my daughters' own ages that I would never allow them to date.  I think you have to take it sort of "boy by boy" and make decisions based on character rather than a blanket rule.  Good luck!  You'll need it. :-)

Thanks for writing back. I actually work at her school so I do know the boy. In fact, I truly believe they are in fact "dating" - if that's possible to do and only see each other in school. They do talk on the phone and this past weekend he even drove past the house. He stopped in the street to talk to her with a car full of boys. They were all headed to the beach and in fact, had called earlier to see if she could go as well, but (1) the scenario was much different originally, (2) she had way too much homework to do, and (3) her dad isn't about to let her go unsupervised anywhere with the boy. Yes, she too, has had episodes of crying herself to sleep but that didn't last very long. She told me that her friends have been telling to her to just date him on the DL (down-low), which notes I've not only found, but took from her when the outside reflect "To: Mai (my) baby, from: your baby". That alone inferes something, but ask her and she says: "I don't know why he writes that! I don't have control over what he does!" I can't, for the life of me, understand why she thinks we're so naive???????  


And about the "boy by boy", trust me, I've got that covered. Even though I don't get int he middle of her life at school I do monitor it. I don't even have to ask her sometimes, I get unsolicidated info from all her friends and teachers, sometimes. Talking to a collegue of mine at school today about her daughter dating especially when she was at the same school as mom, and she wasn't allowed to go on a date until her junior year of high school - period. It's not like we've made things that stringent, just not more than the grade above our daughter's. Figured that was a good compromise; but literally every boy she's liked this year has been a junior or a senior.   

   

It is a never-ending challenge. When we were moving to our current location (we're a military family) she met and 'fell in love' with a boy from where one of her grandmother's lives - a friend of one of her cousins. For the better part of the two and a half years we've been here she has pined for that boy - she knew him for all of three days. She did have the chance to go back and visit last summer and saw him again. Those feelings started up again - not that they had gone away - but she also knew that she wouldn't be able to date him because he was two or three grades higher than she was if we had been back there. She told me just earlier this week this current boy makes her feel the same, or more so, than the one back in Arkansas. This current boy is a nice enough boy though there are questionable things about him, some of which is just what they do at this age, but I would prefer that he was a little less obvious about them. He always makes a point of saying hello to me, but then so have all the other boys. She is very physically mature for her age which doesn't help. Even seniors have asked me all school year: "Are you sure she's only a freshman?" Before she even started school last year, boys talked about how she had a great this or that. I never let it bother me but it's hard to ignore at times. I'm actually more lieniant than her father is but there are still those days when she's got a hair up her butt, showing me that incrediably immature side that makes me want to just take everything, scrap it and start at square one. If I had raised her from day one, perhaps these wouldn't be big issues but I realize that we, as parents, still have the upper hand...  

   

Thanks for the luck - I'll need it. I'm sure every parent out there goes through something like this but I just wish there was an 'easy' button like on the Staples commercial!!! LOL  
 
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inlovex6
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May 30, 2006, 2:01 pm PDT

curfews

Hi! I'm 18 years old, and I have a very strict mother, who is driving me crazy! I just graduated from high school and my curfew is still 10:00 on the WEEKENDS! I love to go out with my friends, and I've never gotten into any major trouble, but everytime I go out she calls me 50 times and complains that I go out too much. I go out maybe 3 times a week, and that's nothing compared to some of my friends. It's not like I want to be out all night or anything, but It's summer, and I really would like to go to a club every once and a while, but most clubs don't even open until 9 or 10, and by that time I have to turn around and go home. I've tried so hard to explain to my mom that I need a later curfew, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I really hate being treated like a little kid, when in reality I'm leaving for college in 2 months! How can I get my mom to lighten up!? I would really love some input from parents on this. 
 
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inlovex6
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May 30, 2006, 2:10 pm PDT

Setting Boundaries

Quote From: maryanne64

I posted this under 'Dating' but I really need to hear what others do in this situation: 

  

My 15 yr old daughter (who looks like she's 25), Niki, has been constantly begging her father and I to allow her to date juniors and seniors at her school. I have to first say there is alot of baggage here - I'm the stepmom and dad didn't know she existed until she was 9 1/2 - so because of things in her past as well as other things, I talked Dad into allowing her to at least date one class up - in other words, sophomores - as well within her own class - freshman. It is a small school (around 500 students) and many of the students are actually younger than most (military overseas and kids can start earlier) in regular public schools. So b/c of many juniors just turning 16 (she will be 16 in Oct.) and that she failed 5th grade, her argument is that she should be allowed to date older boys. In my opinion that is an excuse - even when she failed she was put back in the grade where she was supposed to be had she not begun school overseas. Where she is very intelligent and mature one moment, she is just the opposite next. She is a normal teen but I keep wondering why she has to keep pressing the same issue? We have given her goals to achieve to at least put the matter on a bargining table for discussion and she refuses to live up to the goal (and they aren't unrealistic goals either), so what else can we do?     

    

She has been friendly with a boy at school over the past two weeks whom she swears she's not 'dating' - however, notes and statements she makes to us are saying something else altogether. We sat her down last night and explicitly let her know what would happen if we found out she had gone behind our back and was 'dating' this boy - she wouldn't be allowed to date, period. That it is about trust and honesty as well as the fact that it simply isn't appropriate, regardless of what she thinks. We both have told her what upperclassmen think about freshmen girls trying to 'hang' with the upperclassmen but she still feels as if she can handle herself and doesn't know why she's only attacted to juniors (it really is sometimes hard not to laugh though I do try to listen and talk to her openly without simply putting down her feelings).     

    

So, I'm just curious what other's do/think about this situation? Perhaps another point of view could help us...   as well as with this: 

  

Just this afternoon, after telling the boy , Kris, that Niki wasn't able to go to the beach with him, her girl-friend and Kris' brother, he drove by our house with a car full of boys to see if she still go b/c they were gonna have a BBQ - even inviting me and my husband to go. Now, I don't really care for at least one of those boys b/c of behavioral issues at school, but my husband got his nose all out of joint b/c the boys were hollaring and playing their music loud in the street. I thought he was being a bit over the top since it wasn't like Niki was inside the house and they were yelling for her to come outside - she was out on the lanai - and it was mid-afternoon, not the middle of the night. They are teenagers after all and they are just having fun. But my husband is being more rigid and gets this way at odd times - well, when there are boys involved who are interested in Niki. Of course it didn't help that she was out there in her bathing suit (though she did cover up when she went to the car which shows me she is being more modest than I've known her to be at times). If this were a car full of girls it would certainly be a different story. 

  

Anyway, lots to think about but I would love any advice possible... 

When I was a freshman in high school I dated a senior, but now looking back on it, my first thought is: why would a senior want to date a freshman? I never would have listened to my parents reasoning at the time, so I definately know how she feels, and I think she needs to figure things out for herself. It may be a good idea to let her date older guys (no older than 18 because any older would be illegal) and just make sure you meet them and approve of the guys. Make sure that she knows she can be open with you and tell you if she has feelings for an older guy. Show the guy that he is welcome at your house, and him and your daughter will be less likely to be sneaky. Invite him over for dinner, so that you can supervise your daughter and her behavior when he is around. You can see how they react to eachother, and therefore see how deep her feelings are, and do some damage control if necessary. The best advice I have for you is that you can't have too tight of a leash on your daughter, because she will only rebel. Just supervise her. If she wants to date an older guy, tell her that she can watch movies with him at YOUR house when YOU'RE present. It will lift a huge weight off your shoulders once you are involved in your daughters life. 
 
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subrando
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June 2, 2006, 10:12 am PDT

Give your daugher self worth

Quote From: maryanne64

I posted this under 'Dating' but I really need to hear what others do in this situation: 

  

My 15 yr old daughter (who looks like she's 25), Niki, has been constantly begging her father and I to allow her to date juniors and seniors at her school. I have to first say there is alot of baggage here - I'm the stepmom and dad didn't know she existed until she was 9 1/2 - so because of things in her past as well as other things, I talked Dad into allowing her to at least date one class up - in other words, sophomores - as well within her own class - freshman. It is a small school (around 500 students) and many of the students are actually younger than most (military overseas and kids can start earlier) in regular public schools. So b/c of many juniors just turning 16 (she will be 16 in Oct.) and that she failed 5th grade, her argument is that she should be allowed to date older boys. In my opinion that is an excuse - even when she failed she was put back in the grade where she was supposed to be had she not begun school overseas. Where she is very intelligent and mature one moment, she is just the opposite next. She is a normal teen but I keep wondering why she has to keep pressing the same issue? We have given her goals to achieve to at least put the matter on a bargining table for discussion and she refuses to live up to the goal (and they aren't unrealistic goals either), so what else can we do?     

    

She has been friendly with a boy at school over the past two weeks whom she swears she's not 'dating' - however, notes and statements she makes to us are saying something else altogether. We sat her down last night and explicitly let her know what would happen if we found out she had gone behind our back and was 'dating' this boy - she wouldn't be allowed to date, period. That it is about trust and honesty as well as the fact that it simply isn't appropriate, regardless of what she thinks. We both have told her what upperclassmen think about freshmen girls trying to 'hang' with the upperclassmen but she still feels as if she can handle herself and doesn't know why she's only attacted to juniors (it really is sometimes hard not to laugh though I do try to listen and talk to her openly without simply putting down her feelings).     

    

So, I'm just curious what other's do/think about this situation? Perhaps another point of view could help us...   as well as with this: 

  

Just this afternoon, after telling the boy , Kris, that Niki wasn't able to go to the beach with him, her girl-friend and Kris' brother, he drove by our house with a car full of boys to see if she still go b/c they were gonna have a BBQ - even inviting me and my husband to go. Now, I don't really care for at least one of those boys b/c of behavioral issues at school, but my husband got his nose all out of joint b/c the boys were hollaring and playing their music loud in the street. I thought he was being a bit over the top since it wasn't like Niki was inside the house and they were yelling for her to come outside - she was out on the lanai - and it was mid-afternoon, not the middle of the night. They are teenagers after all and they are just having fun. But my husband is being more rigid and gets this way at odd times - well, when there are boys involved who are interested in Niki. Of course it didn't help that she was out there in her bathing suit (though she did cover up when she went to the car which shows me she is being more modest than I've known her to be at times). If this were a car full of girls it would certainly be a different story. 

  

Anyway, lots to think about but I would love any advice possible... 

I personally think from experience that boys are the last thing that girls need to be thinking about. Girls need a lot more outlets to keep them focused and away from boys. I think 15 is a bit a young to me. I can only give you insight on my own situation. I was 15 when I lost my virginity to an upperclassmen. My parents never mentioned sex, what it was about, the bad results, or why it was inappropriate for a girl my age to be having sex. I didn't know that I should have been thinking more of myself. I had no other outlets such as sports, doing well in school, or a hobby. Sure teenagers are teenagers but girls should be given more to aspire to. Having a boy in your life will come.  My lack of knowledge, having sex to young, and simply not knowing the consquences ended up in a pregnancy and then an abortion. This daughter is your most precious possession. Explain to her everything about dating, sex, and the consquences. Explain to her how it is important for her to have a high self worth.   

   

Teenagers are very intelligent in one moment and can be immature the next. Like Dr. Phil stated their brains are not fully developed yet. You most give your daughter the tools to understand things otherwise she will make bad choices.   

   

I think 16 is a fair age. Give her boundries. Give her a set time she needs to be home. No overnight trips with boys. If she violates your rules there has to be consquences. She will show whether or not she can be trusted. With the right knowledge, self worth, and your own past experiences as a teenager will give her a trusted chance to do right by you and for herself.  
 
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johnymac

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June 2, 2006, 1:52 pm PDT

Help! I have a 15 year old son!

I was divorced in 2000 and remarried to a wonderful man in 2004.   My son adores him.  I have split custody with my ex-husband.   Everything was going well, because we lived pratically across the street from eachother, so it was easy for our son to be with either one of us.  Last December my husband and I moved 30 minutes away.  The school district is the same and it is a privelage for my son to go to the school he was attending before we moved away.  Well, it all started in Februray when my son wanted to live with my husband and I and not his dad.  His dad's girlfriend started mocking my son because of his choice of hair style and clothes.  His style in clothes is like every other 15 year old... cute sayings on the shirts.  His dad and girlfriend constantly argue and my son was getting very stressed over it.  To make a long story short and all the hassles I went through he is now living with us.  I understand why his grades were not good, but he continues to do poorly.  I have talked to him about the importance of good grades and that me and my husband are here to help him.  He could also stay after school with the teachers to be tutored.  He did that for awhile, but then I found out he was failing most of his classes.  We both talked to the consellor (as I have in the beginning of the year) and that didn't seem to work.  I have filled an out of district form so he could live with us but attend the school he likes provided that I drive him.  Well, they sent me a letter stating since he has been late several times that he can finish H.S. there, but will have to attend the school where we live next year.  He is so upset about that and I told him if he would get himself up and ready in time that I would talk to the school board about it.  He only has 2 more weeks of school and he stayed home today because he said is was not feeling well.  He was just tired... he had no fever or sick to his stomach.  I have been dealing with this for the past 2 years.  I know I need to put my foot down and tell him since he is not passing and continues to feel sick that he should go to the new school.  What do you think?  In some way I feel guilty, but I am the parent, right?  I just don't know what is going on and why he didn't want to do good in school.  He is a pretty good kid and does not get into any trouble at school or home.. he listens, but something must be bothering him to give up on school.  What do you think? 
 
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jenoc99
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June 2, 2006, 8:27 pm PDT

Son's school issues

Quote From: johnymac

I was divorced in 2000 and remarried to a wonderful man in 2004.   My son adores him.  I have split custody with my ex-husband.   Everything was going well, because we lived pratically across the street from eachother, so it was easy for our son to be with either one of us.  Last December my husband and I moved 30 minutes away.  The school district is the same and it is a privelage for my son to go to the school he was attending before we moved away.  Well, it all started in Februray when my son wanted to live with my husband and I and not his dad.  His dad's girlfriend started mocking my son because of his choice of hair style and clothes.  His style in clothes is like every other 15 year old... cute sayings on the shirts.  His dad and girlfriend constantly argue and my son was getting very stressed over it.  To make a long story short and all the hassles I went through he is now living with us.  I understand why his grades were not good, but he continues to do poorly.  I have talked to him about the importance of good grades and that me and my husband are here to help him.  He could also stay after school with the teachers to be tutored.  He did that for awhile, but then I found out he was failing most of his classes.  We both talked to the consellor (as I have in the beginning of the year) and that didn't seem to work.  I have filled an out of district form so he could live with us but attend the school he likes provided that I drive him.  Well, they sent me a letter stating since he has been late several times that he can finish H.S. there, but will have to attend the school where we live next year.  He is so upset about that and I told him if he would get himself up and ready in time that I would talk to the school board about it.  He only has 2 more weeks of school and he stayed home today because he said is was not feeling well.  He was just tired... he had no fever or sick to his stomach.  I have been dealing with this for the past 2 years.  I know I need to put my foot down and tell him since he is not passing and continues to feel sick that he should go to the new school.  What do you think?  In some way I feel guilty, but I am the parent, right?  I just don't know what is going on and why he didn't want to do good in school.  He is a pretty good kid and does not get into any trouble at school or home.. he listens, but something must be bothering him to give up on school.  What do you think? 

Your son isn't doing well in school, and he knows if he fakes an illness, he can stay home- so of course he is going to fake an illness, mom! Your feelings of guilt are getting you nowhere, and they are keeping your son right where he is. Your guilt isn't doing any good, its only doing harm to all of your family. Ignore the guilt, and remind yourself that as his mother, it is your duty to make sure he gets the proper education so that he can go out into the world and be a productive, responsible citizen. No more excuses! Your son is 15- you only have a few more years in his life where you can make a true difference! This is the time to grab the steering wheel and take over, because he will drive himself off in a ditch somewhere if you don't. Your son needs severe concequences when he doesn't go to school or do homework, and when you say what his punishment is, you need to be fully prepared to follow through. If you don't do this right now, starting as soon as possible, you will have a big pile of regrets once he is 18 and you have no say in what he does with his life. After he is 18, you can't force him to go to school and you can't force him to go to counceling. Like I said before, you only have 3 more years where you have this opportunity to make a huge difference in his life. No more slacking off. The new school isn't even a choice, it is just a fact of life at this point, right? Thats just the way it is, period. If he is having issues with this, I urge you to enter family counceling with your son. Sometimes having a third, unbiased person listening to your side and your son's side can really help improve your communication with one another. You will be doing him a lot of good by taking advantage of any and all professional help you can get now. i wish you the best of luck, don't give up!! I know that you are tired, but you only get one shot to get this right. There is no time to allow guilt to hold you back from making the right decision. Usually the right decision is the hardest to make!
 
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June 2, 2006, 8:41 pm PDT

Setting Boundaries

Quote From: jenoc99

Your son isn't doing well in school, and he knows if he fakes an illness, he can stay home- so of course he is going to fake an illness, mom! Your feelings of guilt are getting you nowhere, and they are keeping your son right where he is. Your guilt isn't doing any good, its only doing harm to all of your family. Ignore the guilt, and remind yourself that as his mother, it is your duty to make sure he gets the proper education so that he can go out into the world and be a productive, responsible citizen. No more excuses! Your son is 15- you only have a few more years in his life where you can make a true difference! This is the time to grab the steering wheel and take over, because he will drive himself off in a ditch somewhere if you don't. Your son needs severe concequences when he doesn't go to school or do homework, and when you say what his punishment is, you need to be fully prepared to follow through. If you don't do this right now, starting as soon as possible, you will have a big pile of regrets once he is 18 and you have no say in what he does with his life. After he is 18, you can't force him to go to school and you can't force him to go to counceling. Like I said before, you only have 3 more years where you have this opportunity to make a huge difference in his life. No more slacking off. The new school isn't even a choice, it is just a fact of life at this point, right? Thats just the way it is, period. If he is having issues with this, I urge you to enter family counceling with your son. Sometimes having a third, unbiased person listening to your side and your son's side can really help improve your communication with one another. You will be doing him a lot of good by taking advantage of any and all professional help you can get now. i wish you the best of luck, don't give up!! I know that you are tired, but you only get one shot to get this right. There is no time to allow guilt to hold you back from making the right decision. Usually the right decision is the hardest to make!
I absolutely agree, but I'd like to add that by switching to a new school and not addressing the core issues will only bring on the same issues, new school by the end of next year.  There's obviously something going on with him that he has no feelings or is grateful to be out of the other school...  what is it and why?  My 15 yr old son is already wishing school hadn't ended (just ended yesterday) not just because of the classes but because of the socialization with his peers.  Is there something going on with his friends that he hasn't revealed to  you?  I do agree that if he doesn't open up with you now that you do need counseling to get to his core issues.  He may need a new start, especially with his GPA, but you need to find out why he's so unhappy now before bigger issues come to haunt you.  Stand your ground and be firm and open with your thoughts with him.  By seeing your perspective of this will also allow him to view you not just as as mom, but human as well.
 
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crycrystal
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June 3, 2006, 3:40 am PDT

Life is Stupid

I'm just waiting , for 2 months, 2 weeks , 1 day , 12 hours & 45 minutes, to finally get here.  

So, my 18 yr old step son, can go on to college. I Personally think it should be illegal,  

for them to live at home,,,, after age 18. 

I Hate Life , anyway,,, so wishing more time away, isn't anything new , for me. 

I'm seeing 4 yrs max, left for me , in this cruddy world. 

I have never fit in, anywhere , in this world, for 20 yrs, so 4 more, won't matter,  too much. 

I look forward to checking out. Till then, I will sit in a corner , twiddle my toes & sing a happy lil note  

and act like life is just peachy, while my stomach turns at the mere thought , of continuing on. 
 
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rebjohn
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June 3, 2006, 5:02 am PDT

Setting Boundaries

Quote From: lisa2men

Well I am in a weird situation also, engaged and trying to raise my boys and his.  I honestly believe that not raising your children with the two that made them is a punishment from God.  No I'm not a religious freak but I'm noticing that no matter how hard I try, the stepchildren will not respond to anyone but the biological parents.  Doing good for them is sweet but it's taken for granted and becomes very painful for the outsider (the stepparent).  I'm engaged and don't see us making it to the alter because he's not strong enough to raise his kids properly and support me.  Don't jump in and get married and get stuck because I am in your situation and know that you should resolve problems in your relationship before you totally commit your life to her.
  i have a 23 yr. old my husband -sons stepdad- got together when my son was 4- 18 yrs. ago-- we have a 14 yr. old daughter of our own- my son and his stepdad really never have gooten along-  its worse for the son because the husband is suppose to be the adult and acts like a kid--you cant disapline a kid and expect them to listen if they dont feel loved by the step-some time the step needs to let the biological parent do the disiplining unless asked for help--its hard for the step-parent -but its just as hard for the biological parent- its tough on the kids to but try to always talk in private- kids are nosey. as my son got older he rebelled- if my husband  expected something from him he did the opposite. he drinks-(son) has been in jail moves out moves back in --gets jobs- looses jobs--its a mess- counseling - he wont go- my  husband wont even talk to him and hasnt for months because he hasnt had a job for 8 months.he had 2 jobs and worked for 1 day and claims he didnt want to walk 2 miles to work so lost those jobs. my husband has kicked him out 3 times or so-- and wants to kick him out now--- but  he doesnt have any respectful friends to stay with all drinkers and drug users- i wont push him back into that again it made things worse he has no grandparents thev have all past--my husband almost moved out a few weeks ago - but didnt-just to get away from him-- they dont even talk or be in the same room- so im pushing my son as much as i can on job applications-what good that does he gets it and wont walk- buses stops are 1 mile away but that seems to be to hard for him to-- i wish i could boot him out again but the previous time made thing worse --sooo any advice??????
 
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