Topic : Setting Boundaries

I can't believe it, its just like looking in a mirror.....I was never married to my ex.  I gave birth and did the first 4 years without him, then I had some problems and went "down the wrong path" and that's when the courts got involved.  He went for custody when she was turning 5.  we got joint custody with him having physical placement.  I missed her first day of school!  Every 2 years I took him back to court and because I was not married and he was, he always won although I received more and more visitation rights.  I also volunteered at her gradeschools, went to every parent teacher and music event and even made arrangements with the teachers to have her homework sent home with me on the weekday visits. 

For my latest custody battle, I went to the teachers, the principal and the guidance counselor and asked for a letter of recommendation regarding my involvement in her education.  I asked the principal to write a letter "to whom it may concern" on school letterhead stating that her dad never acquired information about his daughter from the school.  I made copies of notes I found over the past two years regarding the drinking and drug use that went on at her dad's house.  Last but not least, when she told me that her father offered her cocaine, I immediately took her to a psychologist and had it documented.  In fact she switched counselors, so I had it documented with 2 different professionals. 

This information will need to be given to the guardian ad leitem and the custody evaluator.  You would need to sign a release of information from any doctor involved, if you have any medical professional that you have consulted regarding the issues that you feel are important. 

My attorney said the same thing yours did, but I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing.  When the final court day came and I my attorney handed me the results before we went in to see the judge, I cried.  I couldn't believe that I finally proved my point...that just because she wanted to live with them, that it was NOT in her best interest.  I had countless people tell me to keep working at it and do my best to get my point across.  I wish you the best of luck.  My fiance told me go give up right from the beginning, but I just couldn't do that.  If you try your best and don't win, then at least down the road when it comes up you can show your daughter that you did do your best.  Let me know if you have any other issues, I have a lot of expereince with this. Good luck and God Bless.

I am a wife in constant struggle of my marriage. Things got real rocky about 2 years ago when my husband became addicted to pain killers. Since then things have went down hill, from me trying to figure out if I would be better off with someone to him figuring out if he would be better with someone else. We made it through all of that by will. However as his addiction has grown worse over the past several months him and I have become so distant. We do not talk. He is too busy planning with his so-called friends what he is going to do to help them and not bothering with what is going to help us. I have heard so many times 'I will change" yet his slips each and every time. Its like a rollercoaster. I get my hopes up that maybe this time is for real only to be slapped in the face with another lie. The lies have been even about the simple things and they keep getting changed. He tells one lie then a week later forgets what he has said and changes the lie to another lie. Its really confusing. He tells me he wants me and him to get back to the way we used to be but then he screws up yet again. I have heard it over and over. And I have been told by people to just leave. But I truely love this man. I have never felt this way about anyone. Honestly. Recently he started getting sick. I mean like didn't want to move didn't want to eat, so I asked him what was going on. He says he has been Detoxing for a while now. So during that time that he was really ill we spent alot of days together. But he never really said two words to me. We have chosen to text each others cell phones just to get our feelings across. Now he is feeling better and all the people he said he was burning bridges with, he is talking to them again. I need to know how to set the Boundries and Consequences and how do I keep putting up with all this.  This is my second marriage. I have a beautiful daughter thats 5 with him and I don't want her to have to go through a divorce as her brother had to do. It hurt him pretty bad. What do I do? How do I make it through this? I need answers. PLEASE

http://www.recoveryhappens.com/book.html

If you are tired of this roller coaster way of life, its time for you to take action. You mentioned that you don’t want your daughter to have to ‘go through’ a divorce- I need to remind you that it isn’t her that will go through the divorce, it is you. As long as you stay in this roller coaster relationship, she is on the ride, too- so think about which is worse, her being raised to believe that having an addict for a father and a mate is ‘normal,’ or having a mom and a dad that don’t live together. What is most important to you? Is it important to stay married at any cost, even if your husband never changes? Consider what your children need and deserve; of course it would be ideal if your husband could stop using drugs and become the husband/father that his family needs him to be. But, there isn’t anything you can do to force him to change. The only person you have any control over is you- you are tired of this. Your kids deserve a mother who is happy. Dr. Phil says this a lot: kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

Hello:

We have a fourteen year old daughter. I am wanting some advice, do you think it is okay for her to be out during the week on a school night. She does not go out unless her homework is done and she always has her cell phone with her. She checks in with me throughout the times she is out and goes to friends homes or else to the schoolyard to hang out with friends and/or play basketball. She is home usually between 9:00 - 9:30 p.m. and is never alone. Also wondering what time you think a fourteen year old female should be home on weekends???

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Curious Mom

In my opinion, your curfew is right on for a 14 year old girl. Having her check in with you periodically and you having the option of checking in with her is also a bonus.

Does your daughter do her homework and then run out of the house? You should do things to encourage some quality family time, even if its just eating dinner together atleast 3 or 4 nights a week. Also, encourage her to have her friends over to your home, this way you will know who she is hanging out with. At her age, they have friendships that they have had for many years, but they are also meeting new people daily and you should know who those people are. Keep yourself informed, it’s the best way to keep involved. As for a curfew on the weekends, it depends upon what she is doing- if she is just ‘hanging out’ then, in my opinion, at age 14, 10:00 should be the latest. If she has plans to go to an event, then it depends upon when that event gets over, and you can adjust her curfew accordingly. Best wishes.

Thankyou for you input with regards to my teenage daughter. She does finish her homework before she goes out! I have met most of her friends. She has her girlfriends stay over night at our house quite often. She has a fourteen year old boyfriend, they are both still a little immature so sexual thoughts are not an issue for them right now, they would rather hang out with their friends. Her guy friends do also come to the house and watch movies periodically. I want her to enjoy her childhood this is why I do not see a problem with her going out on school nites. I get her to stay in one to two nights a week to spend time at home and do things around the house. There have also been quite a few times when she stays home on a Friday or Saturday night also. I do not want her growing up too fast, and I believe that children should be able to spend time with their friends, before we know it she will be grown up and moved out of the house! So do you think it is okay for her to go out on school nights???

Curious Mom!

I have a question that has caused tremendous stress between myself and my husband. We have five children, four boys and one girl. We are a blended family--he had two boys from his first marriage and I had two boys and a girl. Our daughter is the youngest.

We currently have only two children left at home, my youngest stepson, who is 17, and my daughter, who is 16. We have gone through some typical struggles with each of our children, some minor and some major. But overall, they are good kids. Right now our daughter has a boyfriend who is 15, comes from a good family and seems to have good morals. I trust him with my daughter (as much as I'd trust any boy, which equals trust with watchfulness). I also trust his parents to be watchful. My daughter has gone to this boy's home several times, to eat dinner, watch movies, and once to spend an afternoon. My husband really hates this, says that no good can come of it, and gets terribly upset with me when I allow her to go. He says that we are "condoning a relationship" between the two of them (I guess he means a sexual relationship). My daughter and I have had many, many conversations about her values, her goals for the future, and she assures me she wants to keep her virginity until she is married.

Now, I'm not naive, I realize that things can happen even to the best of kids when hormones are involved. I have chosen to trust my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents, while continually talking to my daughter. It's not like she's over there all the time, it's only been about 3 times so far.

Now to the double standard issue....my stepson, at 17, basically leaves the house when he feels like it and comes home whenever. We never know where he is when he's gone. He'll say he's going to run an errand, then will be gone for hours. He does come home by curfew, which is 11 pm. But he could be gone from morning till night with no word from him at all. My husband says this bothers him, but has done nothing to stop it. I have told my stepson that I disapprove and asked him to at least call in from time to time and let us know where he is. He does that once in awhile, but not often. My stepson and I have a good relationship (I've been mom to him and his brother since they were both very young), but he just doesn't see the need to let us know where he is. I exercise the same healthy trust with my stepson that I do with my daughter--but he doesn't talk to me, so it doesn't feel the same.

I'd appreciate some comments from others about this situation. Is it a double standard? Am I right or wrong to treat my daughter the way I do? And how can my husband and I come to a compromise so that we're expecting the same things from both children?

Thanks for your input.