Topic : Setting Boundaries

My son has had a baseball in his hand since he was 6 years old.  He has always been an all star player and we have invested thousands of dollars in his goal to be a Major League Player.  However a couple of years ago he started failing his classes.  We threated to pull him out of Select Baseball if he didn't start passing his classes. Last summer we required him to get a job to help pay for his insurance and gas. He is a junior this year and at the begining of the school year he failed another class.  He blamed it on work and wanted to quit his job to concentrate on school.  We know the drill so we told him he could not quit his job.  Meanwhile, I put my foot down (against his father and step father) and pulled him out of Select Baseball.  He ended up quitting his job and swore he would pull up his grades.  He also told us he felt "ripped off" because we bought him a crappy car and all of his friends parents have bought them new or nice used cars, they don't have to pay for insurance or help with gas.  They just get to be kids and have fun.  (We don't agree with that type of parenting)  That quarter he failed two classes. 

Since he has gotten his license in August, he has recieved 4 speeding tickets (1 which he kept from us) , rear ended an off duty police officer, and two weeks ago put his car in a ditch while trying to pass another car.  We told him until he could prove he was mature enough to drive and act responsible, he was not allowed to drive his car and only allowed to drive our truck to baseball practice and back.  Yesterday he called me at work to tell me someone had taken a baseball bat "or something" to his car.  I asked him repeatedly if he had taken it out to which his reply was "No, I don't know what happend, now you are blaming me?"

When I got home after work, he was at baseball practice.  The dents on his car a baseball bat couldn't do.  There was damage underneath the car, the plastic on the mirror was broken and grass/brush inbedded up into it.  I found evidence of mud and dirt which was washed off his car.  I looked at our truck and there was mud and dirt inside, but the outside had been washed also.

When he got home I asked him to tell me what happend.  He strongly denied taking out his car or anything to do with any accident.  After several hours he finally told me that he and his friends met on the military reservation and were messing around in there cars.  Driving fast then turning, sliding... he ran into brush-went 4 wheeling with his car.  Once he wrecked his car, he came home and got our truck and took that out 4 wheeling.  Now he is made because I act like a "CSI" investigator and don't trust him.  He says he is only being a kid and just wants to have fun and it's no big deal.

I am pretty strict with him, curfew is 11:00 unless it's special, the tickets he has gotten I have told him he has to try to do communtiy service to work off, he doesn't get to go to parties.

Previously we had given him a cash card for gas only.  However it had to be taken away because he has taken it upon himself to purchase what he wants...food for him and his friends, baseball gloves (he was only supposed to buy a helment and it ended up costing us $ 150), jewley for himself, items for his car... before we finally pulled it from him.

He appreciates nothing we do for him or anything he has, nor does he have ANY self control.  I need some help!  He is spiralling out of control and I am afraid if we don't get some counseling or something, he is going to go off on the deep end.

Hi Leanne,

I'm new to this board but noticed that no one had replied to your post yet so...

I have three teenagers and a ten year old ("Calgon take me away!"  :-)  ) and I also struggle with circumstances you described. Therefore, I did some research and found some info that may help both of us.

Read this article:

I too have a 13 year old in the same situation.  She is very bright but refuses to put in the required work to get good grades.  She just doesnt care, has no emotions for the consiquenses she is going to endure because unlike your son she has B's, C's, D's and is currently failing one class.  I have enlisted the counsilor at her school, talked to several of her teachers on a regular basis, had a committee of cousilors, special education teachers, her teachers, the principle of her school to see if she has any disablities that maybe we are missing but sitting around the confrence table they all agreed she is just lazy and very social and extreamly qualified to do the work.  We are a few weeks till the end of the school year and I have given up (mostly) to all the nagging I seem to have to do and put the outcome in her hands, she will not move on to high school with all her friends if she does not pass and do the required work.  I am so fustrated because I have a beautiful and very smart daughter that just doesnt care and I do not know what else I can do. 

I think that we just need to give them love, guidance and hope that all of our values will one day set in and they will get on the right path to life.

I am a pretty smart girl myself, and i got very bad grades for the last 4 years too, most of them were ok, but last year was really bad. my problem was, the work was to easy, there was no challenge, it was boring, and if you get bored by it, you don't want to do anything of it, even though you could possibly do it in half an hour. also i got so bored, that i became very tired from a school day, just out of boredom, so i started skipping classes, whole days, and sometimes even a whole week. although i didn't have many friends at the time either, so that was probably a reason for skipping classes too. is there a subject she does like, or is there something she is interested in in her free time? maybe you can talk to the school and agree that if she has her work finished, she can work on that. the school will probably make a big deal out of it, but for you child's sake push it through. most of the time the kids like to learn, at least i did, but the form in which it was offered at school just didn't appeal to me. if she doesn't know a challenge i can try to teach her dutch, it is said to be a very difficult language to non native speakers :P that will be a challenge........ just try to get the school to let her try the the things on her own first, let her work while the rest get's everything explained if she already gets it, and maybe she will get more motivated. i went to a montessori school, i don't know if you know it, you work on your own, and try to figure it out on your own first, and if you don't get it you go to the teacher, and they'll explain it. it really woorked well for me, because you can decide your own speed. she probably just works a lot faster than everybody else, and that's why she gets bored.

hope it helps,

annemiek

If your son’s other parent faces the same issues, then both of you MUST put your heads together and make a resolution to deal with your son’s attitude in the same manner. If you don’t, your son will continue to be angry and make your life miserable. It is very important that you are 100% consistent in every aspect of disciplining your son; if you say you are going to take something away or give a certain punishment, you must be prepared to truly follow through with that punishment. For best results, find out what your son’s “currency” is; meaning what it is that he holds the most dear to him. That is your ticket. Dr. Phil has advised parents to strip their kids’ bedrooms of everything but the bed and a blanket and make the child earn back everything that s/he owns. I know that this feels like punishment for you, it is understandable that when you have your son at your home that you would simply want to have a nice time, get along, and have life run smoothly. But, your son isn’t going for that. He wants to play hardball, so he is forcing you to get tough. He has the power within himself to have a good time, to behave himself and earn fun privileges, but for some reason, he doesn’t want to do that. My advice to you regarding your son’s anger is to seek professional help for him, because he is only 7 now; his anger won’t just go away on its own-- it will get worse; and you will have an easier time resolving a 7 year olds’ anger as opposed to a 16 year olds’ anger. I wish you the best, don’t wait another day to find a professional in your area who specializes in children.

My 14yr old daughter wants no part of our family vacation (Driving to fun cities to stay with friends, shopping, swimming, site seeing etc.) and wants to stay home.  She persists that she is old enough and wants her 'ALONE time'.  She says that we should trust her and I do but I don't want my 14 yr old home alone for 8 days.

To compound the problem my hubby, (Stay at home Dad) has opened the door slightly to the idea which has totally given the daughter 'UMPH' to keep fighting.  When I told him on the phone that we had to be a united front he stated, "I've told you I use to HATE that crap from my parents.  I don't want her to go and spoil our fun. I think its a bad decision and she should stay home or we should arrange friends families to cover. I totally think she's a good kid.  She doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink..I can trust her. But I do not trust the outside elements or the poential for trouble.

My thinking is that I work 10 - 12 hour days as a program manager and I deal with enough stress.  I should be able to have a vacation WITH my family and none of this drama. 

Thoughts?  Am I being unreasonable?