Topic : Setting Boundaries

Well I met with her at lunch over the phone and I told her my number one reason for being so adimant was that I really missed her.  I loved and missed her company.  She's gone all the time with her friends and we allow that time away. She's allowed to go to the mall, the movies and we never question her time away.  I have to admit I did cry but I didn't mean to do it as a guilt trip its just how I feel.  I was a bit sad at her pulling away.

So the update is - she's going and bringing a friend.  :)  This is the best possible result.   Thank you for your response.  I agree.. 14 is just too young.

My fiance and I just bought a home and we found one that had three bedrooms so our children would have somewhere to sleep when they are with us. My 19 year old lives with us when he is not staying in the dorm.  My son is becoming a big problem in our relationship. He lies to me about different things. He told me he had a certain grade point average when later I found out he is on academic probation.  He's lost part of one of his scholarships and owes the college two hundred dollars. He got mad at me because I told him I felt he should pay it and he preceeded  to let me know how awful that is for me to do that to him.   He does nothing to help out around the house.   I will ask him to do or not to do something and he ignores me and does whatever he pleases. He tells me he should come and go as he pleases and do whatever he wants, that  he is not twelve years old.   He has friends stay without telling me, not that  mind, but not every night and the cost is becoming a burden. We are still recovering financially  from the hurricane.   

My fiance has to get up at 5:30 to go to work and my son will come in from work and slam around the kitchen without any respect to us sleeping. Last night I asked him to stop making so much noise(he was drumming on the counter, slamming cabinets, the frig, and he even threw his fork in the sink)n and he laughed out at me and said, "fine" in a sarcastic tone. He has left home to go stay at friends because he didn't want to get a job, so he just mooched off them until they kick him out. It is embarassing to me. I told him he was not staying here unless he had a job. After about two weeks of staying on him my fiance and I  finally gave him a deadline to get a job or find somewhere else to stay. My mom tells me I need to just put it to him and stop trying to keep peace.  She feels he is trying to come between my fiance and me and it is time for me to be happy.  I've tried sitting him down and talking to him,  but that has gotten me nowhere. He thinks I am unfair and I my fiance shoudn't be here.  I love my fiance and I am ready to be happy.  I am tired of the confrontations and disrespect.  Last night he was cussing at me and I wanted to tell him to get out, but I didn't want to do it out of anger. He acts out in front of his friends trying to make me look like some monster.  He doesn't talk back to me in front of my fiance. It's only when he knows he can beat me down.   I feel my problem is I just keep letting him run all over me.    If anyone can enlighten me I would appreciate your input. 

i think that if your son still lives at your homee, he has to follow certain houserules. if he wants to do as he pleases, let him find his own house, but he shouldn't be doing that in yours. so i'd say, let him pay rent for his room in your house, and lay down the rules, or let hiim find his own appartement. if he would live with someone else, there would be rules too. as you tell it, it does seem that you let him walk over you. for your sake and his, put your foot down. if he doesn't want to listen to you, about how the real world works, he will have to learn the hard way. if he doesn't work he won't have a house, and food. and as soon as he has found that out, he will work. so put your foot down, if you have to, throw him out of the house, and don''t let him in untill he has learned his lesson.

You say that you live there with him “pretty much.” What does “pretty much” mean? When you don’t live with him, where do you live? I think that this is the first conversation you need to have with him. If he loves you, and if you “pretty much” live there with him, then you should have a key to the place. If he doesn’t want to give you a key, you need to know the reasons why.

Because you have only been in this relationship for a year and a half, and because both you and he were married at the time, the relationship began, it is understandable that your boyfriend’s ex-wife would judge you harshly. She isn’t going to approve of you being around the children because she is looking out for the kids’ best interests. She is probably thinking that you are only a temporary fixture in her ex’s life, and that you won’t be around much longer, so why allow the kids to know you if you are just going to disappear? The only thing that is going to help is for you to remain a stable person in your boyfriend’s life while being respectful of his ex’s feelings/wishes regarding the children. Don’t push to meet the children; by remaining a healthy, happy part of your boyfriend’s life, meeting his children will come naturally.

I am a 47 y/o mom of 2 boys 10 and 9.  They live primarily with their dad and spend the summers and every other christmas with me, as well as the visits I make to them during the year.  The majority of the year I live alone.  I started to date a wonderful man in March and it has progressed into a serious relationship.  When I was planning my son's visitaion for this summer I was excited as always and was looking forward to the 3 most important people in my life meeting.  My boyfriend is a very patient, understanding man but there was no way that either of us were prepared for the situation that we were confronted with.  My older son decided sight unseen that he did not like my bf and made every effort to make sure that my bf knew what his feelings were. 

Let me preface this by saying that my children saw him a total of 3 times the entire 5 weeks that they were with me so it was not a case of saturation by any means.  My son was disrespectful and purposfully ignored any attempts by my bf for any conversation from the get go.  He would interrupt my phone conversations wth numerous disruptions and make unkind comments that my bf would hear over the phone.  These are just a few of the many things that finally brought my bf to the point that he withdrew and stopped making any plans to spend time with the boys and me.

This is very distressing and I am very concerned about what is driving my son to this behavior.  I have had numerous discussions with him and he can not give me any specific reason for disliking my bf but will not change his attitude even though he knows that his bad behavior is unacceptable.  As patient and understanding as my bf is this situation has driven a wedge between the 2 of us and the future is unsure at this point.  I am addressing my sons behavior with his dad and we will work together to deal with whatever my sons issues are but in the meantime I also need to work on rebuilding my relationship with my bf and try to nurture a relationship between my son and my bf.  I would welcome any feedback from anyone who haas shared a similar situation since I am at a loss right now.

i'm not sure what the reason is, but it could be two things.

he was either surprised in a bad way by you having a boyfriend. i don't know how you prepared him on seeing the boyfriend, and if you talked to him about it.

and it could be that he is afraid he will lose his mom to him. he is a rival, because he takes your attention, which your kid won't get at the time. and your kid wants to defend it.

it might be one of those two things, but it might also be something else. if your kid can't explain it, maybe take him to a childrens counsellor once or twice, and let him figure out what it is, he is probably used to children who can't exactly define what is wrong, and he will be better in finding out, than we will

I have an 18 year old son who just graduated from high school.  His grandmother bought him a car and I gave her some money for it as well. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and have another son together.  My husband has two other children who do not live with us.

My 18 year old son has been with me all his life and my husband came into our lives when my son was 4 years old.

Now, my son and husband practically hate each other.  When my son was about 16 years old, he began to be defiant and disrespectful.  He started lying to us and treating us pretty badly.

On the other hand, my husband has not always been fair and kind to my son.  There were times he called him bad names or threatened to hit him. 

My husband and I went round and round about this to the point where we'd become angry with each other.

Now, my son pretty much hates me, too, praises his biological father (who has never really contributed anything except court-appointed child support).

We have never given my son a key to our home because he loses everything that is given to him, or breaks it, or something.

I feel so completely awful, torn, and horrible about the whole thing.

If there were some way to make it up to my son, I would.  He never asked for all this crap, but my husband did at one time try to be a good father to my son.  They did used to get along.  But now that's all gone away.

I have promised to help my son find a place to live and at least help him pay his rent.

This has caused disagreement between me and my husband, but I will not put my son out in the street without helping him find a decent place to live.

I feel after all I've put my kid through, the least I can do is help him get a good start in college and on his own.

I keep asking my husband if there is any way my son can stay in our home.  But of course, my husband says he wants him OUT. 

I am very sad about this and would like to hear what anyone else thinks or if anyone has ever been through something similar. thanks.