Topic : Setting Boundaries

Dr. Phill,

I am a single mother of 3 children ages now 15 (daughter) 12 (son) and 10 (daughter) with whom I love more than anything in the world. I have been divorced for 4 years now (separated for 6 total) During my divorce my husband would say alot of bad things about me to my children ages then 9, 6, and 4 and  to other people. I have been made to feel like a worthless person and a terrible mother. I am not perfect at all and have made my share of mistakes. Just to give you a little back ground about my situation. I do realize you probably hear these story's alot and there are two sides to every story but I need someone to hear me. There is more to all of this than I can say in this e-mail but I will try to give you the just of it. We have joint custody of our 3 children. My ex has said terrible things about me to my children and to others. For a long time I would never say anything because I didn't want my kids to be in the middle and I tried to blow it off like these things didn't bother me. Now like I said I am not perfect and out of hurt and anger I to sometimes said things back in front of them and would have to apologize for being stupid. I have also tried to sit them down and tried to explain things to them because I didn't want them to believe his lies and start seeing me this way (trying to defend myself ). This beings me to the present. My ex and I have the kids every 2 days and every other weekend. I have rules and when I try to punish them for not following the rules he tells them my rules don't apply at his house. So to try and teach them responsibility and pay for your actions is almost impossible. There have been things done physically  and mentally to me in front of them but he always manages to convince them that it didn't happen. My 15 year old and I had gotten into an argument about 6 weeks ago because she wanted to go out on the lake on a boat with 2 15 year old boys. I said she could go swimming with her friends as long as there are adults going as well. She hit the roof. Telling me I never let her do anything, that I try to control her, that I treat her like a baby and so on. I told her : 1) She is not going out on the boat with 2-15 year old boys 2) if she want to go swimming with her friends there will be an adult there and if there wasn't then she would not be going. 3) The way you are acting your not going anywhere.  She then threw her cell phone, it was in pieces. I had her call her Dad to tell him the situation thinking he would agree with me (he didn't) so there I am fighting a loosing battle. After that it was his turn to have them and she has not come back to me since then. I called her on the phone and we both said some things that we shouldn't have and now she wont talk to me or even acknowledge me when she sees me. I have tried to call her, I have sent her letters and I get no response. I could make her come home but that wouldn't do me any good, because she would just make everyone else around her miserable and hate me even more. In the mean time I hurt so bad and ache for her to come home. I thought I should give her some space and she would see the truth but she is not and I am afraid she wont ever want to be with me again. I cry all the time and am at the end of my rope. I tried to take all 3 kids to a counselor but my ex told them they didn't have to talk to anyone or even go if they didn't want to . He told me he dedicates the rest of his life to making mine miserable. Well he has done that but I think he has hurt them as well. Dr. Phill what do I do now? Am I A terrible mother? Why does she choose to stay with him? There is so much more that I would like to say. Please someone I need help! I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you for your time.

  There is one thing I can suggest but it is going legal.  What your ex is doing is called parent alienation.   He is deliberately violating your wishes to set some boundries, teach responsibility, and to parent "in the best interest of the child".   This is NOT just a disagreement on dicipline. He has told you he intends to make your life miserable and is clearly using the children to that end, no matter what is good for them.   If you document the incidences, and or record them (not admissible in court without prior consent, but it may convince the attorney the problem is real) and his words and the incidences then you may be able to convince a child custody court (or counselor) that he is deliberately using the children (forget their needs) to alienate you.  I would beg borrow or steal the money, as you will be looking at such "abuses" from teen children that are being convinced YOU are the problem, I suspect such geared to hurt you stuff will continue.

  Besides a fifteen year old girl STILL needs her mothers influences. I have a somewhat similiar situation, but am not yet divoriced.

  Depends on what you mean by dating.  The big "decider" for a good bit of folks is the car.  Dates in a car are somewhat geared by the laws in our state, if they have a permit no, a license  still restricts the time they can have another "passenger" is restricted during the first year.  That makes most 16 year olds unable to have passengers  in the evening hours.  So for here it is kinda a given that a 16 year old wanting to date, cannot have a passenger in his first year after say 8:00 or something.  I am not sure I have that exactly right, but it kinda eliminates the dating thing in the car till they have been driving for a year to six months. Not an issue.

  If you are talking school parties or what we used to call boy/girl parties, then it would depend on lots of things to me.

                                    Are the parents going to be home (call and check if you like)

                                    What kind of party? (swimming, sleep over later, or what)

                                     Phone number of the "household" giving the party

                                     Where is the "date" going to take place at school or at someone's house

     In other words you cannot keep the sexes apart UNTIL 17 or 18, and many parties are ok, but as a parent you need to have the scoop on what is, before you consent to ANY parties and ps not all school parties are chaperoned well, so I wouldnt count on "totally ok" but make sure my child understands what is expected..........or they won't go to the next one.  Most school functions ok, but depending on how many chaperones and such, can still be problematic.  If there is a way around supervision many children will find it.  You have to let go a little at a time, too much too soon and you can get it back.  Like raising prices after the sale began.  Good luck

  This is my take on the situation.  I am pretty sure you won't agree, but I ask you to consider this take.

   First if your son is good in every other way, and not going to church or family gatherings is THE only area of contention,  I offer this to you. CHURCH is YOUR priority, FAMILY is your priority.  At seventeen, and if trouble free, CHURCH AND FAMILY is not going to be his priority.  However if you continue to FORCE him to go to both or just one you are asking for a rebellion that may not have been there.   This is the age where children begin to search out their own priorities.  While you may think making him go to church and family will avoid him seeking out bad priorities, in fact FORCING or PUNISHING him for not going could CREATE problems. 

    I think he is old enough to "make choices".  Maybe not major choices, but in my opinion old enough to decide if he WANTS to be around church or family people.   He may see that the ONLY reason you want him in church is due to YOUR responsibilities there, not for the value of it.  He may see your "involvement and therefore HE has to be involved" as YOU being selfish, and self serving.

    I would think really hard on "FORCED church and family" participation at this stage of the game, particularly is he is a good kid otherwise.  No need for him being handed something to rebell against on a platter.  Treat him as an individual with a right to chose, perhaps let him know without prior agreement, if he choses NOT to go to church or to the family gathering you expect him to spend the time on something productive at the home, or that you are "open" to his input on the issue.  Hear him out, and go from there.

Quick question, you say that your son just up and starts hating your boyfriend? Now that my dear is impossible, everyone has a reason for something, even though it might not be clear to themselves or any other person. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him why he dislikes you boyfriend, It might sound corny but my mom did this with me. Now I actually had a reason to not like her boyfriend, he was a sneaky diabolical dog, who lied to my mom for three years straight, and from the beginning I told her I didn't like him because he was sneaking, and the same week I told her 20 dollars went missing and I was the person her boyfriend blamed, and my mom falsely accused me, but that devil was the one who snuck off that same night and spent all her money at the local dog track. But later my mom told me that she valued my opinion, but it wasn't me who would make the decision but her heart. And overall her heart picked him, and I at the same time. And some time later she found out my instincts were right and her heart released him from its captivity

Hi!  I am a 21 year old and though I have no children of my own, I experienced almost the same thing when my parents split.  My parents divorced when I was 10 and I too wanted to wear make up and dress like the other (not as self respecting) girls wanted to dress.  My mom would not stand for it!  No makeup until I was older and skimpy clothing!?  ha!  yeah right!  My dad on the other hand would let it slide...If he asked me "does your mother let you wear that?"  I'd always tell him yes.  And he was a lot easier to cave in than my mom when it came to make up. 

Anyway, what I wanted to say was first of all kudos on talking to mom about this!  She definitely needs to know that in your home, there are rules that HAVE to be followed and that they are put in place for her daughters' protection!  Next, a question...are you the only one that talks to mom or does your husband talk to her too?  I know that when my stepdad tried to talk to my real dad...my real dad resented it and thought my stepdad was trying to be my dad and thats why my real dad let me get away with so much.  Because he wanted to be the cooler dad...so make sure your husband confronts his ex about this too...or maybe all three of you could get together for lunch or coffee to talk about it...do it in a public place so that things won't escalate to screaming...it will be a calm and civilized converstaion.

Finally, keep talking to your step-daughter..trust me, i know it's not easy...and she's going to get mad and throw fits...it's just part of being a teenager...or preteen...have your husband sit down with you and your stepdaughter...she needs to know that you two are in it together and it's not just the evil stepmother trying to take over and ruin her life!  Tell her that you're sorry for burning the clothes and hiding the make-up...that is a little wrong and is probably part of why she's resentful...I would've been!...but tell her that there are rules for her protection...talk to her about what kind of message she portrays to people when she wears skimpy clothes and makeup at too young of an age...it's not a good one!  and make sure she understands that just because celebreties and "everyone else" is doing it...doesn't mean it's right or cool...

Sorry it was so lengthy but I hope it helps!

I am very frustrated today because our 18-yr. old daughter has lost her job once again, due to a lack of self-discipline.  This might not seem like a big deal to some people, but my husband( her dad) and I are upset.  She moved out with her boyfriend to an apt. about 10-15 min. away from us in Nov. 06 just a month after turning 18.  They were all excited to get their own place and both working then, although each of them had been working at their present job a few months.

Yes, boyfriend seems to have this problem, too. He is a good person, but he also has never kept the same job longer than 4-6 mths. at a time.  He likes to sleep late and that causes a problem.  He even had a pizza delivery job he didn't have to be there til 5 p.m. and was late for it! 

She has (in 2 yrs.) worked for 2 fast-food restaurants, waited tables, worked at 2 convienence stores, a department store and now a small warehouse.  They both got temp jobs at the warehouse, Mon.-Fri. days, no weekends, making decent money, worked the same hours so they could drive together, and as of Monday this week they missed (from what she told us) their second day and have been late twice in the 4 weeks since they started.  They were both terminated, of course. 

As crazy as it sounds, I have had a tendency to feel sorry for them when something like this has happened before, and my husband has, too.  Back in May, boyfriend was laid off because the co. lost its contract (so not his fault that time)  But the times they have lost jobs have mostly been because they are late many times.  No excuse for that.  My husband and I go to work if we are tired, sick, both, whatever, and we are always on time. 

We have helped out financially when they have been between jobs for a week or two; meaning putting gas in a car, providing a few groceries, $40 here, $20 there.  We don't want to see them go hungry, not have gas to go to work, have utilities shut off, lose their apt. etc.  BUT we have decided that now literally "THE BUCK STOPS HERE".  Apparently, they have not suffered enough to be motivated to get up and go to work!  Or they have not suffered consequences.  Either me and Dad hand out a little and his Grandma hands or lends a little, his mother helps, etc.  Hopefully, we all cut them out.  We are to the point that we are tired of it.  We see it as if someone is trying to make it and doing whatever they can and still need a little help,then that's ok.  But they have no one to take care of but themselves and they aren't doing that. 

Our daughter's grandmother, my husband's mother, bought her a cheap car Dec. 2005 and told her to make payments sometime when she was able to pay her back and she hasn't sent her anything.  That is not right.  Now the car has broken down, as of 6 weeks ago.  We told her when she can get together half of what the repair costs, we will help with the other half.  But that hasn't happened either.  And now, she and boyfriend got a check Fri. for the last week worked and nothing will come in next week.  Her dad and I have decided we are not going to fix it until she comes up with half.  Unless, we fix it when she gets a job offer and insist that she pay us back right away, but I feel we can't trust her to do that.  

Anybody have any advice on how to proceed with this?  The lease is up on their apt. in Nov. and we would welcome her back home (with stipulations that she needs to help out financially and with chores)  but definately not let her boyfriend move in with us.  We need some strength to have some tough love right now.  Thanks.