Topic : Teen Dating

Hey there girl- 

Listen up because I'm going to give you some advice from my own experience.  I'm a seventeen year old girl and so what I say is strictly from a teen's perspective, not a parents, and I first want you to know that I completely understand how you feel.  Ok so on to my story/advice: 

Before you date you have to ask yourself ... why do I want a boyfriend? 

  Is it because you think it  would be fun? Is it because your friends want you to date? Is it because you want to date because your friends are? 

Next you have to ask what true love is and if you really want the happily ever after ending story in you life.  Just because you date someone it does NOT mean you love them.  You might think you do, but your emotions and feelings can confuse you, trust me (I know! :) If you truly want the happily ever after story you have to care more about the person you are dating MORE THAN YOURSELF. 

That means if you answered yes to any of the above question you aren't in love YOU JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. 

This can be the biggest confusion causer for girls. We go through hard times with our body image and self esteem through our teen years and when a guy gives us attention it makes us feel better. This is completely ok to like the attention but we can't thrive because of it. We can't let what a guy thinks of us define us.  Guys are cool but just because you don't have a boyfriend it doesn't mean you aren't. 

So even if you think you really do love the guy you have to ask what is best FOR HIM. Trust me it is not good for a girl/guy to date at your age (and I think even at mine). If you think you truly love him, then wait. Become best friends, don't make it about dating but a real friendship. That is what love is all about (because you might think he is cute now but one day that hot bod is going to turn into a prune...would you still love him?) 

Also think about your future husband, whether it is the guy you want to date or not.  I don't know about you but when I meet the guy I am going to marry I want a past I can be proud of. I don't want to tell him that I have had tons of boyfriends. I want my romantic experiences to be with the guy I'm going to spend forever with.  Would you rather marry a guy who has had tons of girlfriends or a guy who has only had a few?  I don't know about you but I would be kind of worried if my husband had been dating since he was thriteen...I would worry that he didn't think that I was as good as a kisser or as pretty of one of his exs.  Now I know this isn't right to think about and it isn't right to doubt your spouse like that... but still the point being would you want you future husband to worry that he really isn't the number one in your thoughts? 

My youth pastor once made this analogy.   

Every girl/guy has a flower that they will give to their spouse when they get married. Everytime you you do something with your boyfriend like hold hands, snuggle, kiss, ect. it is as if you rip of a petal and give it to whoever your dating at the time. 

If  you want to present a beautiful flower to your husband when you're married then you can't rip off all the petals before hand.  If you kiss a guy for example, you lost your first kiss forever. You just ripped off that petal and that can't ever be shared with the guy you really want to marry. 

Now I'm not saying that if you kiss a guy or hold hands or snuggle or have sex that doesn't mean you can't have a happy marriage. But, seriously don't you think it would be cool to tell your kids and their kids that the only man you kissed was your husband because you waited to make sure the man you kissed was the one you were going to marry?  Do you know how special, roamantic and cute that would be? I don't know about you but I want to be careful who I give my petals to, sure we all make mistakes, but I don't want to waste away my "petals" for a guys that I might not like a week, a month, or even a year later. I want to make sure that when I date a guy he is someone who so into me he would marry me (and not just say he will) and someone I would spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to look back and think "man why did I give my first kiss to that guy back in ninth grade that I don't even know anymore when I could have waited and given my first kiss to this guy, my fiance." 

From another teen girl who has made mistakes of her own, listen to your mom. I know it can hard and that we teens hate to admit they are right but they really have been through all this dating stuff and apparently you mom did at least one thing right....you! So even if she has just one piece of advice (and she probally has a lot more) you should listen because she loves you.  

And I know you said that you won't let your boyfriend touch you are anything but trust me as you get older you are going to want to.  If you can start protecting your heart and practicing saving yourself now it will help you when it gets harder to say no.    

Wow wow wow! That is pretty much all I can say from the direction of these trends and and the trends at Teens/Sex.   

I guess I never really realized how little parents know about todays teens (but I guess I can't blame you guys....we can be pretty nasty and manipulative :) 

Anyways, I'm a seventeen year old girl and from a teen's perspective can I give you a few pointers about how to make sure you daughter (can talk much about guys cuz I'm not one:) doesn't become a teen parent? 

1. TALK- don't make it hard for your daughter to talk to you about a guy she like or about a her feelings...they say guys can have difficulties trying to control their desire to have sex but have you watched TV lately or read a magazine?  Their is so much pressure on girls by the media to look "sexy" and it can be hard for girls not to want to sexually attract guys once they hit their teen years

                But even before their teen years you have to talk....I knew when I was eight I wanted to wait to have a boyfriend because my mom would tell me stories about how when she dated as a teen both her and her boyfriend were hurt. Also my mom had me because of an "oops" with her boyfriend and he took of and because of that I didn't have a dad for four years.  If you went through this as a parent or if you were a single parent talk to your kids about how it efected your kids (however don't make them feel like they aren't unwanted if they were and accident...my mom was very carefl about this and I've always known that it was hard for my mom to be a single parent but that she still loves me more than anything.) 

       2.  TALK SOME MORE- don't just talk about the physical consequences talk about the emotional consequences. 

    3.  TRUE LOVE- don't let your kids date just to date. Teach them that when you date you are dating to find your future husband...does a thirteen year old really want to get married? Does a thirteen year old want to become like their mom (no offense...buy yeah right!)?-get the picture. 

Teach your daughters that just because you love someone it doesn't mean you love them. 

Teach your daughters that true love is when you care more about the person you are dating more than herself.....If the guy has problems than with drug abuse the girl would not date him if she truly loved him because that is the last thing a drug addicted, hormone raging guy needs.  If you make sure your daughter follows these guidelines she won't be dating (with your permission) until she is mature enough. 

4. GUYS AREN'T EVIL BUT PROTECT YOURSELF - let your daughters have guy friends...they need to know how to socialize with them and they can be a lot of fun to hang out with. However, remind your teen daughter that guys think about sex A LOT (and if they say they don't they are lying).   Tell your daught that if you don't want to be a toy for your boy (and it doesn't necisarrily have to be sex...it can be kissing, making out, holding hands, ect.) then wait until you are old enough so that you know you can say no and that you are sure in youself enough that you realize that a guy's opinion does not define who you are.  If a girl is confident in herself she will be confident in what she wants and her boundries and will be able to destinguish between a guy who just wants a girl and a man who wants true love.  (I would not repeat what I said above to your daughter...it could be a little harsh...but get that idea across in a loving way) 

5. LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER- Your daughter will make mistakes. Be the parent but don't make her feel like a slutt if she kisses a guy. Laugh with her, cry with her, love her. Help her through this time of insecurity and the joys of discoverying her strenghts. Talk about your future son-in-law (imaginary for now of course). Be excited for when the time come when your daughter can date...dating isn't bad...it just needs to be done in the right time.  Make a list with you daughter about all the character qualities that she want her husband to have (i.e. responsible, generous, outgoing, funniy,  gorgeous, ect. :) Also, have her write letters to her future husband that she can give to him the day before/after they are married.  It will be very special to her...but it is like a diary, so parents no peeking without permission! 

6. KNOW YOUR DAUGHTERS FRIENDS- Mom exscpecially...be a second mom to your daughters friends...that way your daughter will trust you to bring her friends to YOUR house instead of going to the house of some friend with some parents who you don't know. Also if you know your daughters friends you will know which ones you need have more caution around. One more thing, if your daughters friends trust you they will be more willing to warn you if your daughter is getting into serious trouble. 

7. BE MORE THAN A FRIEND BE A PARENT- kids have friends, but every kid needs a parent. Seriously, even if you kid screams "I HATE YOU" and says "WHY CAN"T YOU BE COOL" or "WHY CAN"T YO BE MORE LIKE A FRIEND THAN A STUPID FRIEND" do no give in...I repeat to not give in and bend the rules just out of guilt. Kids aren't stupid. We know your weaknesses and if you always give in when your daughter gives you a guilt trip...well then that's she has to do to get what she wants.  I have seen so many of my girl friends do things with guys because their parents did like to say no, but my friends with parents who stick with it have always learned from their mistakes and realize their parents discipine them because they love them.  

8. HAVE STRICT RULES- have strict guideline and strict punishments. If you just threaten to punish your daughters for sneaking out of the house but then never punish them they are never going to listne to you and they will actually lose respect for you (honestly, they will just think you are really stupid if all you do is threaten). Love them, and let them know you love them, and don't be mean...but definitly have strict rules. 

9. SEX IS NOT EVIL- Teach your kids that sex isn't evil, its not a sin or shameful, but that it has to do with the timing. Personally, I am pro-abstinence, but if you aren't at least tell them to wait until they are older because there is a lot of emotionall ties made when a girl has sex with a guy and teach them to do safely. 

10. WHEN TO LET THE CHIKCKEN FLY THE COOP- so when do you let your daughter date? 

It really depends on maturity. DO NOT SET AN AGE LIMIT IN YOUR FAMILY. One child might be ready younger because she is very mature but the other might be saying that as soon as she is "old enough to date" (based on the age limit you set) she having sex.  Setting and age limit might work for the first kid but for you wild and rebellious second child it might come back to haunt you. 

One thing that my mom always tells us kid is that we can date whe we are old enough to get married (personally, I think the VERY youngest should be when they start dating is). 

Hello,  I'm new to this forum; however, I need some advice.  My beautiful, older looking 17 yr old daughter was introduced to a 23 yr old in Oct 05.  Until we found out, she was seeing him without our permission.  We have forbidden her to date him.  We also contacted the MAN and told him so.  My daughter agreed she would stop seeing him.  She won't be 18 til May 06. 

A little background.  My daughter was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (Inattentiveness) 2 years ago and has the emotional make up of someone 3 yrs younger than 17 yrs old.  Basically, she's emotionally 14 yrs old.  Her looks mask her maturity. 

I have been checking our cell phone bills and identified she is still in contact with him.  They tell each other they love each other and I'm very angry.  Am I fighting a losing battle?  If so, what advice would any parent give?  Thanks for your help.  Ghughes 

4 months ago I got remarried.  My kids are younger in age than his kids.   We both have custody of our children so we have 7 kids all together.  Anyway, dealing with teens is new to me.  He has a 14 year old daughter who is dating a 18 year old boy.  The 18 year old boy's parents is against it and so am I.  When we first discussed dating for teens he said she was not allowed to date until she was 15.  I feel this is even to soon to be on a date all alone with a boy.  Her dad does not allow her to be on a date alone with him right now but I know they have broken that rule.  She wears thong underwear and all her cloths have to be "sexy".  She wants him to be able to come over to our house (which I would rather them be there than on a date) but thinks they should be able to go to her bedroom.  I got bold and said no, that is not appropriate even if you leave the door open.  There is no reason for you to be in your bedroom.  Their dad is alot more liberal than me and I don't want to be too strick but we have two more girls to raise in the teen years in the future and if I had my way the thong underwear would be thrown away and she would not be dating until she was 16.   

Any advice?  Not sure how to handle all this.  Never expected to be divorced let alone remarried and step children.  By the way their mom thinks it is all ok if the 14 year old wants to have sex,  she did when she was 14.  I don't want to push to hard because they have been given to much freedom (not sure if that is the word I am looking for) because they run to mommy or cry and have a fit to go to their moms until their dad gives in.  HELP-I want to raise them right and don't want to set a bad trend for the 4 younger ones 7,8,8, and 11.  The 7  and 8 are girls (one mine, one his) and the 8 and 11 year olds are boys (both mine) 

okay, i'm a 14 year old girl. i have a bf who i've been dating for about 5 months now. we've only been able to see eachother at school, because my parents won't let me go over to his house. they think we're going to end up having sex. i've been a responsible person, and i think i should be trusted and be allowed to spend time with him. how can i make my parents (especially my dad) understand that we aren't going to be having sex, just because we are hanging out?