Topic : Teen Dating

Well hello all!!! Right now I am so flabbergasted by my 12 year old son. He is in the process of moving with his dad for the first time in his life. Actually, let me start here first... when his father and I became parents we were only 15 years old. :O But today I talked to my son on the phone and plan to see him tomorrow at a group activity with a day at the waterslides. But just before I was going to hang up the phone he said mom there's something I want to tell you... "AND I WAS LIKE OH NO... WHAT COULD IT BE”.... and he told me well I want to tell you now because you’re probably going to hear about it from someone else! So, I was like son what is it? I want you to tell me... I don’t want to hear about it from someone else? And so he says "MOM, I AM GOING OUT WITH A GIRL FROM ___________, AND SHE IS GOING TO BE AT THE WATERSLIDES TOMORROW!!!!" And I was just in shock. I did tell him that I thought he may be too young to have a girlfriend, and that I wished that I had someone there to tell me that I was too young to do what I was doing.  But I do wish that I had someone there to tell me the things in life in which I needed to know about boys, sex, and etc… This is no excuse to allow him to continue with having a girlfriend, but he is very mature for his age. I did tell him that we have to talk about it with his dad. I read some of the other entries and maybe I will tell him that he can see this girl, but only when there are group activities going on.  That he is too young to be seeing her alone. When his dad and I were young we were allowed to go into his bedroom without anyone else. My son has already gone through puberty. What can I tell my son when the time comes to sit down with him, and his dad?

When my children tell me at 12 that they have a girlfriend/boyfirend, it doesn't bother me at all...because what they mean by that is they like that person, that person likes them, and they have admitted it to each other. They don't see each other outside of school, unless they go to our church, and they never see each other in an unsupervised atmosphere. They do NOT go out on dates, in groups or one on one, at 12...it is simply not allowed here, no matter what their friends may be allowed to do. Set rules, and stick to them--although, with him living with his father, you would have to have HIS cooperation as well.  

So basically you do not allow your kids to have friends of the opposite sex right? They cannot go out in groups at the age of 12? Or is that only when they've told you they "like each other and have admitted it?  Sounds to me like once they tell you about it, they won't be allowed to see this person, except at school.  Whether you realize it or not, you are creating an atmosphere where your kids have to lie or withhold the truth in order to maintain friendships.  When you are so rigid in your rules, you send a strong message that your kids are not to be trusted.  Don't fool yourself about church.  I witnessed many teens making out under pews, behind doors, etc. as a lot of parents out there think everything's wonderfully safe at church.  Guess where the kids with all the insane rules go to let loose - YOUTH GROUP!!!! And this is also where the troubled kids hang too (ditto for the child molesters but that's a whole other story) Rather than coming up with "the rules" (like no dating till your 16, what a joke), know your kids and talk to them and communicate about life.... as it happens- whether its your magic "16" number or 15 or 14 or 18 years old.  Let your child live and be there to support them along the way.   

Wow are you ever "in control" . If dating is done to find a future mate, why in the world would you allow your 16 yr old to be looking for a husband? That is scary.  You don't want to encourage marriage before college graduation? You should be supporting (not encouraging) marriage when your son or daughter has found the love of their life, not according to your schedule - after 16 but not before college.  Dating is meant to be a time of discovery - about ourselves, our likes, dislikes, etc. - a time to meet new people.  Whose life is it?  You don't know if its working because you are barely out of the gates, I would love to chat in ten years. Then we can see if its working for you.   

Basically, you're wrong about how we do things here. They don't go on group DATES at the age of 12...they can go out with a group of friends, of both sexes, supervised, at any age. If the person they consider their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is in that group, fine and dandy...but because of the adult supervision, we can be assured they won't be doing anything they shouldn't be doing. They have never had to lie or withhold the truth about anything in our home. I know my children, I know what they are ready for and when they are ready for it. My son dated at 16, my oldest daughter, who is almost 16, will need to develop more emotional maturity before she is ready to take on a dating relationship. My youngest, who is 12, still has no interest in spending time with boys, and is very shy and quiet, much like I was at her age (I made a CONSCIOUS choice not to date until I was in college.) 

Oh, and I don't know what sort of youth groups you have experience with, but around here they are very fully supervised, with one adult for every five teens....and no one is ever out of the sight of the adults, period. And, since the kids attending are members of the church, and are known to me personally, as are their parents, I don't worry about them being WILD children, or troubled, or child molestors, or whatever else you imagine.