Topic : Teen Dating

Hi,

First, a bit of history;

 

My daughter and son work at a local restaurant gas bar.  She has been there for four years.  Last yr (when she just turned 18) the gas/bar was bought by a Pakastan from the city.  He is fourty.  He made sexual advances toward my daughter before the deal was settled, another worker reported it to the present owners, they talked to him, it stopped.  He was cold with her but he left her alone. 

She was the one that showed him how the restaurant computers worked etc. as he knew nothing.  Anyway, he in turn gave her more responsibility and started coming on to her again.  He told her how beautiful she was, and that he loved her and had never felt this way before. (puke!)  Meanwhile his wife, who doesn't speak much English moved to our small town with him, along with his two younger children.  (ages 7 and 10, boys).  Well, my daughter liked the extra responsibilities, and soon his wife moved back to the city.  (that should have been my first warning sign)  Up until now my daughter has been telling me she hasn't slept with him, and I believed her, wanted badly to!)

Present day, he has bought another restaurant, and asked her to manage it.  Much more pay and her own baby so to speak.  She(19) is seeing her boyfriend (age 20)on weekends, and her boss during the week.  I know her boss gets very angry and threatens to take away her managing position if she is not accessible 24/7. 

She is coming home late, and I'm pretty sure they have more than a boss/employee relationship.  I am SICK about this.  She is a beautiful intelligent girl and can do so much better than a  married man my age!  Any advice would be much appreciated!

Im 17 years old, but every time a bring a guy into my life. Every time they tell me to keep my self....i did, but when you find some one good you give your self to them. My older sister thats related from the same father dsided to chose a guy who was not good! at age 16 she lost hers!

My daughter is 17 turning 18 in Aug.  She is a senior in HS.  Always been a good, happy child.  Respectful easy going laid back.  Just a joy to be with.  Had one small issue in the 10th grade and she paid her dues on that one.  Never dated much but has had a few boyfriends.  All young with heads full of mush.  Drove lifted trucks and not very respectful if you ask me.  Anyway now she has fallen in "like" with a new guy who has a good job and seems to be very grounded in life.  He is very polite and treats her with a lot of respect.  He walks her to the door and always gets her home on time.  Problem, he is 27 years old.  When she first told me I really did not think think it would be a problem with her father but he is not happy at all and is trying everything he can to "nip it in the bud"  as he says.  He is a good old country boy.  I want to add that we have been married for almost 20 years and we are 17 years apart.  I need some advise because this is putting a strane on our marriage.  We have had a tough year.  I battled Breast Cancer and won ! We battled the IRS and are still fighting that one.  My daughter seems very happy with this guy and I feel good about him but I know I need to support my husband.  I do not want my daughter to turn 18 and bolt from home but that is what I'm worried might happen.  What do you and Robin think ?  Thank you in advance for any insight you can give us.

Well what might work is reminding him of his young years and that you are 17 years apart. He'll probably say but that's different. and you just respond with how? (keep insisting if he has more non arguments like:  "you know")

 

And congrats that you are clean :-)

I would wonder why someone 10 years older would date a 17 year old.  Dr. Phil had on the very same subject yeaterday did you catch it?  If you can get the tape of it or somehow watch it, I would recommend it. He gets to the point..................

I am in a somewhat similiar situation. ALthough it is my son who is 15 and supposedly broke up with his almost 19 year old girlfriend. He told us that he broke up  I beleive only to stop us from questioning and telling him that we dont like this relationship and it should end.  WE gave it a try but he is heading down a very dangerous path. She is controlling and manipulating and not letting him be who is . My son has changed and it scares my husband and myself. I feel if I dont confront my son and tell him how we feel , then we are not being the parents we should and I also couldnt live with myself if I never stepped in at all? It was a hard decision but he is still a child, our child and I have to do right by him.

No I didn't catch that episode because I live in the Netherlands and I have to wait a couple of months before they send it out here and even then due to my education and a busy social life I'm usually unable to catch the episodes of dr phil.

 

Anyways I don't think that 15/19 is an impossible age difference even though it would've been better if the girl was the youngest because girls are more mature then boys of the same age (it gradually levels off ofcourse but at this age there is a difference.)

 

You say that she is not letting him be who he is but did you factor in that if you are in love with someone and have a relationship with that person it will mean that you automatically change the way you will act? You will in the beginning try to be with the other person as much as possible (wich is neccesary in order to create a proper emotional bond between two lovers) And that he will automatically try to please her by changing a bit to her likeing. This is a proces which works both ways in a normal relationship, and she will've changed aswell.

 

Is this his first serious girlfriend? How are you two on dating? Are you strict when it comes to him dating? if so it might also explain his behaviour, teens want to break free from there parrents which is the healthy thing to do but if you are very strict he will have to rebell harder in order to break free. (so the stricter you are the more rebellious he will be)

I am finding that out about rebellion.It is getting difficult. The problem, is I wasnt strict at all in the begining. Thinking it would end since he was only 14 at the time and she was going off to college. But it got worse, meaning the realtiohship got to the point where he was on the phone and computer 24/7. I mean talking in the early hours during school, not doing his activities, and even not going out with friends anymore. His grades slipped and he is missing homewrok.She told him she didnt want him going to his activites becasue it takes time away from her? She completely brainwashed him into thinking his parents and family dont mean anything and that we are psychotic. Do you see where I am coming from now? He is more than obsessed, he is marrying her and that is that I was told.

 

He has changed meaning the way he treats us. He talks back, does what he wants and wont listen. We have to stand ground and get our boy back...............This is unexceptable and we have to teach him this is a toxic relatiohship.

If it is really as bad as you say then I do see where you are comming from but remember that teen relationships are always intense because well they just didn't have that many and new experiences are always intenser. (you'll probably remember your first kiss but your tenth who knows, right?)

 

Also try to remember that you are seeing it biased since you are so close to him and that things might seem stronger to you then they really are (not saying that it is unlogical to be biased since everyone is when it is so close to him also not saying it has to be a bad thing just be aware of it)

 

NOW THE PART YOU ARE WAITING FOR!!!! What to do... well he's old enough for reason so try to motivate why he is forbidden something but do let them be togheter when possible (like weekends) it's probably a fase even if they stay together (after 3 years initial love will pass and a different feeling has to replace it which is less intense so the relationship will probably be less intense aswell)

 

So try reason it won't stop him from rebelling but it might be less intense since he knows deep down you're right. It will also help him finding a balance aswell and well he should still have hobbies so demand he goes (but with reason)

You must feel so frustrated with this situation! I have a 16-year-old daughter and while reading your post, I tried to imagine what this would be like for me if I were in your shoes. Since your efforts to help your son have backfired so far, I have a new suggestion for you. I know that you have some hard feelings toward your son’s girlfriend because you feel that she has brainwashed him, but now it is time to beat her at her own game. I suggest that you begin to “kill her with kindness..” meaning that you encourage your son to have her over for dinner on this Sat. or Sunday, so that your family can all sit at the table and have conversation with her. Be courteous, smile and ask her many positive questions about her hobbies, activities, etc. This is to prove to your son that you want to be involved in his life, and that you want to get to know his girlfriend. You are trying to gain HER trust, because at this point, she is the one holding your son’s power/judgment, etc. The goal is to get to your son through her. At this point, she only knows you through your son, and she probably only knows/thinks negative things about you because he probably vents to her when there are restrictions, etc., so this is your opportunity to have her get to know you first hand. Another positive result could be this: if you get to know his girlfriend and you have nice things to say about her, the “thrill” of going against mom will be gone. So, remember that after she leaves, it is still important to say positive things to your son about her- even something small like, “she really has pretty eyes.”

Also, try having a talk with him about common courtesy and respect in your home. Be calm and rational, if he gets defensive/angry, don’t allow yourself to also become defensive and angry, that will defeat the purpose. For example, you might say something like, “You are growing up so fast, as you grow and mature, and I don’t want our relationship to suffer. I realize that I am not perfect, I’m only human, and so I ask for your forgiveness when I make mistakes. Can we try something new around here? If any of us is irritated or angry about something, let’s make an agreement that we won’t yell or be disrespectful, I promise to be reasonable and talk about issues, and you do the same? Will you agree to try this out for one month?” If your son’s disrespect for you has already gone too far, then that type of “agreement” might not be reasonable, but I hope that it hasn’t gone too far. I wish you the best!

Thank you so much for helping me through this. WE have done almost everything you had suggested. WE been though it all. We even went to a therapist. I can only imagine what Dr, Phil would say, "What are you thinking" or is this working for you" ..ANd this is your child and he is still only a child and do what you know is right.

But she is away at college and the problem now is that we told him that her effect on him was bad after all that we saw and all that he did. I think time wil tell if and when he can truly move on. Because we told him , that it wouldnt be wise  to contact her all at anymore. If it was meant to be than you wil know that in about 6-8 years. But if it were not, then you have to learn and grow to know what you are looking for. SHe has caused so much heart ache and pain in our family. That inself was a huge red flag. It was all about her, she has shown us that she needs to grow up.  She was holding onto him tigher,since she went away. Maybe she thought I need to grab a hold of him and let him know he is the one? But she wasnt given herslef a chance at college either. How could she if she was always talking to him and on the computer with him?  I was told this was her first boyfriend as well. She needs to know that it is all not about her. It was going on too much and too long that this was deifinately effecting our son for the worse.  We saw him drop everything for her. We saw him being taken away from us. I told him noone has the right to make you choose between them and your family WE watched and watched but at some point , we had to step in and say, NO this is not right, this is not how a relationship works.

 

We told him , it was never about her personality. It was the effect of her insecurities, her self centered attitude and her immaturity that was not good for you. She had the problems not him.

 

I know his feelings will not simply dissappear, but with time, and with our love, he will come to undestand, trust us again, and realize it was all for him. I just hope future relationships for him will be more positive and the next girlfriend will truly do what is good for him. This way he will know what a good relationshop is all about. Peace within.