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Topic : Teen Dating

Number of Replies: 435
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:50 pm
Author : dataimport
Say it isn't so - your teenager is dating! Share your stories, and tips for making your teen's dating days as worry-free as possible.

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October 16, 2007, 3:32 pm CDT

16 yr old son on his way to trouble

My son is 16 and met a 17 year old girl at the beginning of this school year.  She will be 18 in a few months.  Her family background includes divorce, parents that have been in jail, drugs, foster care, etc.  While we didn't want to judge her based on her parents' bad judgement, the more I learn about her the more concerned I am.  Last weekend my son lied about camping with friends and planned a weekend with her at her mother's house.  Her mother is still trying to get her other kids out of foster care.  The girlfriend lives with her dad and step-mother.  By the time we put 2 and 2 together, they had spent one night together.  We were scared because we didn't know where he was and we started contacting friends and finally dropped in on her dad's house which is how we found out where the girlfriend was and soon found our son.  We grounded him for an undetermined amount of time, took away his car and his cell phone.  He still sees her at school and is almost obsessed with this relationship.  He doesn't hang out with his friends anymore and when we drive up to visit his brothers at school, he spends most of his time on the phone with her.  He was sorry for lying to us but he just doesn't care about the issues we have with her and he plans to marry her and have a baby as soon as they graduate.  I feel she is using my son to get out of her present living arrangement and he refuses to see beyond his hormones at the bigger picture.  She has been kicked out of one school for beating up another student and then stayed home from school entirely for a year just because she wanted to.  She's admitted to having done drugs.  Today when I picked my son up from school, I waited 15 minutes for him to come out.  He walked out, holding her hand while she looked over at me and grinned as if to tell me that grounding him from her means nothing.  Truthfully, I would love for her to be out of his life, but the problem may be with my son as well.  He seems intent on having a girlfriend.  He had one for about a month this summer but her parents made them break up.  He was depressed, cried and said he prayed to God to bring him a beautiful girl .  My son was raised with both parents in a Christian home with family values.  We have 2 older sons in college and have never experienced a situation like this with them.  What can we do without losing our son?
 
October 19, 2007, 7:43 am CDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: boysof3

My son is 16 and met a 17 year old girl at the beginning of this school year.  She will be 18 in a few months.  Her family background includes divorce, parents that have been in jail, drugs, foster care, etc.  While we didn't want to judge her based on her parents' bad judgement, the more I learn about her the more concerned I am.  Last weekend my son lied about camping with friends and planned a weekend with her at her mother's house.  Her mother is still trying to get her other kids out of foster care.  The girlfriend lives with her dad and step-mother.  By the time we put 2 and 2 together, they had spent one night together.  We were scared because we didn't know where he was and we started contacting friends and finally dropped in on her dad's house which is how we found out where the girlfriend was and soon found our son.  We grounded him for an undetermined amount of time, took away his car and his cell phone.  He still sees her at school and is almost obsessed with this relationship.  He doesn't hang out with his friends anymore and when we drive up to visit his brothers at school, he spends most of his time on the phone with her.  He was sorry for lying to us but he just doesn't care about the issues we have with her and he plans to marry her and have a baby as soon as they graduate.  I feel she is using my son to get out of her present living arrangement and he refuses to see beyond his hormones at the bigger picture.  She has been kicked out of one school for beating up another student and then stayed home from school entirely for a year just because she wanted to.  She's admitted to having done drugs.  Today when I picked my son up from school, I waited 15 minutes for him to come out.  He walked out, holding her hand while she looked over at me and grinned as if to tell me that grounding him from her means nothing.  Truthfully, I would love for her to be out of his life, but the problem may be with my son as well.  He seems intent on having a girlfriend.  He had one for about a month this summer but her parents made them break up.  He was depressed, cried and said he prayed to God to bring him a beautiful girl .  My son was raised with both parents in a Christian home with family values.  We have 2 older sons in college and have never experienced a situation like this with them.  What can we do without losing our son?

Okay he lied to you so indeed he should be punished. But I do have a question for you: Did you set him up to lie? Have you said to your son you are opposed to them being together? If he asked what would have been the chance that they could even spen one night together? I'm comming from dutch values here and well 2 16year olds spending a weekend together doesn't sound shocking. But again yes he lied so he should be punished for the lieing.

 

Then You say he doesn't listen to reason when it comes to her, okay if you think about love in general what comes to mind? not seeing someones bad side is probably one those things. And then he is sixteen it is normal for him to want a girlfriend, he's a teen.

 

Then it is normal for him to not see his friends now, he is in the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and exiting about each other. If it will last then contact will get less frequent to settle into a more adapted level of contact. think back of when you met your husband to be, didn't you see him much more often in the beginning of the relationship?

 
October 29, 2007, 6:16 am CDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: jaimie1974

Although this young girl isnt one that you would choose for your son, it is someone that he has chosen, and the worst thing you could do is vocally oppose the relationship because that will result in him digging in his heels even further. The solution for you is to get to know this girl; invite her over to your home and take her in, ask her questions about her future, etc. Two things will happen: you will see her good qualities instead of the bad circumstances that she has been raised in, (which by the way, isnt her fault,) or this will take the element of defying the parents out of the relationship and it will disintegrate on its own. Either way, you will end up ahead of the situation instead of behind it as you are now. I understand that this might defy your instincts, but you are only going to alienate your son if you dont adopt one of these choices. I wish you the best!

Thanks for the feedback.  We have tried taking her in and have asked her questions.  She barely answers.  We invited her to the movies with us one weekend but of course we can't get to know her in that environment.  I'm going to try to back off with vocalizing how I feel about this relationship and hope it will disintegrate.  The only thing I know to do right now is invite her over to hang out and discuss how we got off on the wrong foot and let's try again.  Discuss our rules and then sit back and pray.  It's been 2 weeks since the incident and he's been grounded.  We have given him back his phone.  We allowed him to see her Saturday night and pulled back his curfew by a half hour.  Her dad called him on Sunday and invited him to go with them on a family outing and we let him go.  We told him that we're slowing it down and at this point he can see her on weekends and of course he sees her at school.  He admitted that he hasn't done a good job of balancing his time between his friends, family and her so hopefully things will get better.  His brothers have called and talked to him and maybe, just maybe, things will work out.

 
October 29, 2007, 6:30 am CDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: oet_gaol

Okay he lied to you so indeed he should be punished. But I do have a question for you: Did you set him up to lie? Have you said to your son you are opposed to them being together? If he asked what would have been the chance that they could even spen one night together? I'm comming from dutch values here and well 2 16year olds spending a weekend together doesn't sound shocking. But again yes he lied so he should be punished for the lieing.

 

Then You say he doesn't listen to reason when it comes to her, okay if you think about love in general what comes to mind? not seeing someones bad side is probably one those things. And then he is sixteen it is normal for him to want a girlfriend, he's a teen.

 

Then it is normal for him to not see his friends now, he is in the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and exiting about each other. If it will last then contact will get less frequent to settle into a more adapted level of contact. think back of when you met your husband to be, didn't you see him much more often in the beginning of the relationship?

Thanks for responding to my message.  Anytime values are taught and those values are violated (for lack of a better term), I suppose that leads to setting up lies.  If our values are not to steal and he stole anyway, yet said he didn't do it, that would be setting him up to lie.  I understand dutch values.  Our niece is married to a dutchman and lives in Holland.  Even so, families everywhere have different values.  Some families are more liberal, some are very conservative.  We consider ourselves moderates.  We feel that a 16 year old boy and an almost 18 year old girl should not be spending the night with each other in the same bed.  He knows it's wrong, his hormones told him otherwise, so he lied.  He knew we would have told him no if he had asked. 

 

I know it's normal for him to want a girlfriend but it's baffling to me how he chose this one over all the hundreds of girls he goes to school with.  But he did.  It's been 2 weeks and we allowed him to see her Saturday night and for a few hours Sunday.  We told him that we are slowing this way down.  He admitted that he has not done a good job of balancing time with friends, family and her.  So I'm hopeful things will get better.   

 
November 9, 2007, 6:28 pm CST

friends vs. boyfriend?

I am a 16 year old girl, soon to be 17. I'm very smart in school and always have gotten the good grades, always have had great friends and such. I started to date this boy back in the beginning of June, and we are still together today. Whenever we have free time with no homework or projects we spend time together, usually outside playing basketball or football, or watching our favorite shows...sometimes even just talking about school, family, stress, etc. We are very close to eachother, and we have grown to become best friends, not only boyfriend and girlfriend. We have told eachother basically everything there is to know, I've told him all my embarassing stories and he's told me all of his kind of thing.The problem is I have a friend, and she was all for me dating this boy, and thought he was a great choice. Once I started spending my time with him, she began to change her view point, and tell me that I spent too much time with him and that when he " dumps me " I won't have any friends to fall back on, because I will lose them all since I don't spend enough time with them. She told me that she was sickened by how much time me and my boyfriend spend together, and that I am too hung up on him and that I ditched my friends for him. She's tried arguing with me, and trying to tell me she won't be my friend unless I spend time with her and pay attention to her and not him. Recently, we were supposed to be working on a school project together , worth 20 points on our actual average (if you had a 100, and you didn't do the project you'd have an 80 on the report card) and she told me that I was kicked out of the group and I had to do this by myself. I was completely apauled by her selfish decision and stopped talking to her. I figured real friends wouldn't do that to eachother. Since this ordeal, she has recently gotten into drinking. I told her I don't like drinking, and I'm not going to spend time with someone who is doing something to hurt themselves and potentially ruin their future. I've spent time with my friends, before they started to drink, but it is hard because of school, afterschool jobs, family obligations, etc. so meshing the schedules together can often be difficult. Is it in my wrong doing of bonding with a boy that I care for, and telling my friend I don't want to be around her if she's illegally drinking? Or does she have a point, that I'm too involved with this boy?
 
November 10, 2007, 2:18 am CST

Teen Dating

Quote From: breexo09

I am a 16 year old girl, soon to be 17. I'm very smart in school and always have gotten the good grades, always have had great friends and such. I started to date this boy back in the beginning of June, and we are still together today. Whenever we have free time with no homework or projects we spend time together, usually outside playing basketball or football, or watching our favorite shows...sometimes even just talking about school, family, stress, etc. We are very close to eachother, and we have grown to become best friends, not only boyfriend and girlfriend. We have told eachother basically everything there is to know, I've told him all my embarassing stories and he's told me all of his kind of thing.The problem is I have a friend, and she was all for me dating this boy, and thought he was a great choice. Once I started spending my time with him, she began to change her view point, and tell me that I spent too much time with him and that when he " dumps me " I won't have any friends to fall back on, because I will lose them all since I don't spend enough time with them. She told me that she was sickened by how much time me and my boyfriend spend together, and that I am too hung up on him and that I ditched my friends for him. She's tried arguing with me, and trying to tell me she won't be my friend unless I spend time with her and pay attention to her and not him. Recently, we were supposed to be working on a school project together , worth 20 points on our actual average (if you had a 100, and you didn't do the project you'd have an 80 on the report card) and she told me that I was kicked out of the group and I had to do this by myself. I was completely apauled by her selfish decision and stopped talking to her. I figured real friends wouldn't do that to eachother. Since this ordeal, she has recently gotten into drinking. I told her I don't like drinking, and I'm not going to spend time with someone who is doing something to hurt themselves and potentially ruin their future. I've spent time with my friends, before they started to drink, but it is hard because of school, afterschool jobs, family obligations, etc. so meshing the schedules together can often be difficult. Is it in my wrong doing of bonding with a boy that I care for, and telling my friend I don't want to be around her if she's illegally drinking? Or does she have a point, that I'm too involved with this boy?

I think it is normal for you to be what others might considder to be over involved with someone you love. You just started dating him. It will come down to more normal levels in a few months and then you'll have more time for your friends.

 

And well I do think you should try to have an evening with friends every now and then because well you just need them as well.

 

As for her underage drinking well can't really say anything about that, it would be legal here so that is up to you.

 
November 14, 2007, 12:26 pm CST

Teen Dating

Quote From: breexo09

I am a 16 year old girl, soon to be 17. I'm very smart in school and always have gotten the good grades, always have had great friends and such. I started to date this boy back in the beginning of June, and we are still together today. Whenever we have free time with no homework or projects we spend time together, usually outside playing basketball or football, or watching our favorite shows...sometimes even just talking about school, family, stress, etc. We are very close to eachother, and we have grown to become best friends, not only boyfriend and girlfriend. We have told eachother basically everything there is to know, I've told him all my embarassing stories and he's told me all of his kind of thing.The problem is I have a friend, and she was all for me dating this boy, and thought he was a great choice. Once I started spending my time with him, she began to change her view point, and tell me that I spent too much time with him and that when he " dumps me " I won't have any friends to fall back on, because I will lose them all since I don't spend enough time with them. She told me that she was sickened by how much time me and my boyfriend spend together, and that I am too hung up on him and that I ditched my friends for him. She's tried arguing with me, and trying to tell me she won't be my friend unless I spend time with her and pay attention to her and not him. Recently, we were supposed to be working on a school project together , worth 20 points on our actual average (if you had a 100, and you didn't do the project you'd have an 80 on the report card) and she told me that I was kicked out of the group and I had to do this by myself. I was completely apauled by her selfish decision and stopped talking to her. I figured real friends wouldn't do that to eachother. Since this ordeal, she has recently gotten into drinking. I told her I don't like drinking, and I'm not going to spend time with someone who is doing something to hurt themselves and potentially ruin their future. I've spent time with my friends, before they started to drink, but it is hard because of school, afterschool jobs, family obligations, etc. so meshing the schedules together can often be difficult. Is it in my wrong doing of bonding with a boy that I care for, and telling my friend I don't want to be around her if she's illegally drinking? Or does she have a point, that I'm too involved with this boy?

i have been through a similar thing, with my friends saying i spent too much time with my boyfriend at the time. Yet my friends in turn did it back to me because they thought it was ok. i know now that every teen does that, they will obviously spend more time with the person they are in a relationship with, then there friends, i havent met someone who will do the opposite.

 

i know your friends are missing hanging out with you but they have to understand that you cant spend be with them all the time. However, i think you guys do need "friend time"..without the boyfriend, but without them drinking, because you obviously don't like it. i think since he is not affecting your school work that he isn't as big of problem as your friends would like him to be.

 

Your friends and you just need to find time to hangout, so this whole thing will be over with.

 
November 30, 2007, 2:36 pm CST

Teen Dating

Quote From: breexo09

I am a 16 year old girl, soon to be 17. I'm very smart in school and always have gotten the good grades, always have had great friends and such. I started to date this boy back in the beginning of June, and we are still together today. Whenever we have free time with no homework or projects we spend time together, usually outside playing basketball or football, or watching our favorite shows...sometimes even just talking about school, family, stress, etc. We are very close to eachother, and we have grown to become best friends, not only boyfriend and girlfriend. We have told eachother basically everything there is to know, I've told him all my embarassing stories and he's told me all of his kind of thing.The problem is I have a friend, and she was all for me dating this boy, and thought he was a great choice. Once I started spending my time with him, she began to change her view point, and tell me that I spent too much time with him and that when he " dumps me " I won't have any friends to fall back on, because I will lose them all since I don't spend enough time with them. She told me that she was sickened by how much time me and my boyfriend spend together, and that I am too hung up on him and that I ditched my friends for him. She's tried arguing with me, and trying to tell me she won't be my friend unless I spend time with her and pay attention to her and not him. Recently, we were supposed to be working on a school project together , worth 20 points on our actual average (if you had a 100, and you didn't do the project you'd have an 80 on the report card) and she told me that I was kicked out of the group and I had to do this by myself. I was completely apauled by her selfish decision and stopped talking to her. I figured real friends wouldn't do that to eachother. Since this ordeal, she has recently gotten into drinking. I told her I don't like drinking, and I'm not going to spend time with someone who is doing something to hurt themselves and potentially ruin their future. I've spent time with my friends, before they started to drink, but it is hard because of school, afterschool jobs, family obligations, etc. so meshing the schedules together can often be difficult. Is it in my wrong doing of bonding with a boy that I care for, and telling my friend I don't want to be around her if she's illegally drinking? Or does she have a point, that I'm too involved with this boy?
Everyone goes through this! Relax :)
I was in a similar circumstance when I dated my first serious boyfriend. During our entire 2 year relationship, I found it extremely hard to balance school, chores, work, friends, and my boyfriend. Now, more than 6 years later, I still have that problem occasionally in my current relationship.
The one bit of real advice I can give you is just to make sure you make time to hang out with your friends at least once a week without your boyfriend. It sounds like your friend kicked you out of the group project for school because that was sort of a way to communicate how she feels about you spending very little time with her. Like, she felt like you kicked her out of your life for the most part, so she kicked you out of her project. (I know it sounds stupid, but thats the only explanation I can think of). Instead of getting too upset with her, have a night for just the two of you, and talk about how you feel about everything she has done, and everything you have done.
If you make it clear that you want to put aside some special time each week to be with her and your friends, she will feel like you still care.

Hope that helps!

 
December 31, 2007, 8:49 am CST

Soon to be 19 yr old dating a just turned 17 yr old

My soon to be 19 year old son is dating a girl who I thought was already 17; just had her 17th birthday a few days ago and my son will be 19 in February. They are head-over-heels for each other and that scares me. This is my sons first serios relationship. What scares me even more, his girlfriends mother is moving away next week to pursue her career and she is not taking her daughter with her. She says she does not want to go because she has been in three different high schools already, but she has no family hear to take care of her. Her mother has agreed to let her live with her friend from high school. If she was my daughter, she would not have a choice, she would just have to go with me. What can I do to convince this mother and daughter that, she will need to go with her mother?
 
January 1, 2008, 1:25 pm CST

Teen Dating

Quote From: smckin1

My soon to be 19 year old son is dating a girl who I thought was already 17; just had her 17th birthday a few days ago and my son will be 19 in February. They are head-over-heels for each other and that scares me. This is my sons first serios relationship. What scares me even more, his girlfriends mother is moving away next week to pursue her career and she is not taking her daughter with her. She says she does not want to go because she has been in three different high schools already, but she has no family hear to take care of her. Her mother has agreed to let her live with her friend from high school. If she was my daughter, she would not have a choice, she would just have to go with me. What can I do to convince this mother and daughter that, she will need to go with her mother?

a seveteen and a 19 year old... there is no problem

A 17 year old living on her own there is no problem. I was on my own at 17 because I went to University (different shool system here)

 

So I don't see the problem, and am convinced there is no problem. Even if there was it is not your place to comment on some one elses parenting. 

 

So I am convinced you should do nothing.

 
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