Topic : Teen Dating

I've written countless posts on this subject in both this and teens and sex I suggest you check em they have an outline on teens and sexuality.

but for your problem: It is not uncommen for 13 year olds to kiss and date. If you raised her right then she won't go any further then that simply because she isn't ready yet. And my advice is that you should let them date it is the perfect learning school for her for any future relationships and if this one sticks (which I doubt) that is good as well.

The problem with forbidding your child to date is that well first you deprave them of life experience, which makes them less able to handle intimate relationships in the future (you can't ride a bicycle without practice)

Then her thinking procces could be harmed, she could start thinking that dating is bad or evil or something. This is called automatic negative thoughts and well they aren't good.

And last you set her up to rebel against you. You see, if you restrict a child very much she will try to break free, if she isn't able she'll try harder and then your up for some "fun" times the next few years.

Now I can imagine that you are upset she lied to you but look at it this way: If she did say she wouldn't be allowed to date so she HAD to sneek around to be able to see him. You set her up to do it by being so restrictive.

I know it might be frightning to let her go but at some point you will have to. But it might be better if you keep an open relationship so that you can keep an eye on her then that she must feel the need to sneek around (with good reason.)

In other posts I have as I said explained it in more detail and in a line. You must know I'm from the Netherlands and morals by parrent's aren't so strict here and that has resulted in low teen pregnancy rates (way lower then the US for instance) easier relationships and more open communication between parrents and their children about sexuality.

It is normal her for boys and girls to socialize together and relationships are often directly or indirectly stimulated by parrents and that helps teens in learning to deal with the other sex and therefor also respect the other sex.

Guess what?  my daughter has had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years.  We've been chaperoning them right along.  Almost all of their dates have been spent doing homework, participating in school athletic practices and competitions, or at large family gatherings, or volunteering together.  A handful of times they got to go to a movie together, after we knew we could trust them.  But mostly they hung out at our home or his, with a parent home.  Now they've broken up and we have front row seats to as gut wrenching a heartbreak as any teen love can produce.  I don't regret the way we handled their relationship, but you really aren't protecting them from the possibility of heartbreak.  If your parents had broken up, they probably would have been heartbroken too.  Sorry.

ps.  I've got a post on the general advice for parenting teens message board asking advice relating to this breakup.  Can somebody help me with that?

I have a question for anyone who could give advise.

I am a 46 mother of 3 grown daughters. Two still in college and one married with a child. I have always been very interested in their lives and the young men that they have dated. We are all very close.

I recently married for a second time and now have a 15 year old stepdaughter who I see every other weekend. Her mother is raising her completly different from what I did and the choices she allows my stepdaughter to make concerns me. She has been allowed to go to boys house since she was 13 and we found out recently she was allowed to take her "boyfriend" on vacation with her.

Am I old fashion or is this crazy??

I think dating one on one will happen in due time. My daughters did not date until they were 16.  They did go with groups of boys and girls but I did not think it was a healthy choice for them to date until they were mature enough to handle it.

Any thoughts on this subject??

When raised responsible then it they are old enough to date at age 13. about the vacation dunno depends on the daughter. About them maybe having sex, guess your worried about that otherwise you wouldn't be on this site, well what happens happens as long as she does it safe. (15 isn't abnormal)

Morals I adhere to are the "Dutch" standard that is way more lose but has as an effect way less children of teen moms.

See older posts of mine for more detailed info on this subject...

From what I've read, I agree pretty much entirely with Oet Gaol on this subject.

Firstly, I think that pinning down an age at which one is 'mature enough to handle' dating is a silly thing to do.  16 is an arbitrary age; maturity depends on so, so very much more than the amount of time you've been alive.  How do you make that judgement?  Biologically, we should already be popping out children by the time we're 16.  Nature definitely intended us to be ready for non-platonic relationships with the opposite sex by the time we're 16.  So whose standards of maturity are you using? 

I'd probably argue that 15 is quite young to be having sex, but to be dating?  Come now, that's ridiculous.  Surely we gain maturity through experience?  Dinner and movie dates- and loads of other classic dating activities that I can think of- are surely pretty damn harmless. 

How long has she been going out with her current boyfriend?  Were they alone?  Where did they go?  I'll admit that I'm biased on this issue, in the spirit of full disclosure: I just turned 17 in May, and in June I went with my boyfriend of a year and a half to Rome for five days.  It was sort of the most spectacular thing ever.  I've had to face all sorts of condemning comments and expressions from people, particularly my parents' friends, but I maintain that there was absolutely nothing wrong or shameful or inappropriate in it.   15 is a tad young, though, for that sort of thing, but I don't know the circumstances at all.    

I recently graduated from high scholl, and I know how hormonally driven teens are.  I have friends who are devout Christians, yet think that sexual acts are o.k. as long as you don't go as far as vaginal intercourse.  of course, this is not all teens.  I myself am 18, have never even had my 1st kiss, and plan on waiting for marriage to even make out.  I agree that dating one on one will happen in due time.  I think it depends on the individual teen(how much you trust her based on knowing her well and her recent actions, her moral beliefs, her level of maturity, her knowledge about sex(most teens who are engaging in sexual activities are somewhat ignorant about consequences)).  I would suggest talking with her.  Too many teens take things too fast and end up in trouble(atleast from what I've seen).  It's good for teens to take things slow, have fun(clean), and get to know themselves better during the teen years, then focus on a relationship.  Relationships are also better that way.  Good luck!

I want to warn you taking it to slow is also possible. My friend who grew up in a place of the Netherlands where most are devoted Christians. She has told me stories about those same teens and tweens that got married at an earlie age because they didn't want to have sex before marriage. When they then had sex they found themselves incompattible and got devorced not long after.

You take it one step further and not even kiss though I don't want to force you I do want you to rethink your decission, whatever the outcome. Kissing is something I never heard about being forbidden, maybe because in roman times it was even more common then it is now. But still a kiss is something very personal which you share with another person it is something which makes you feel connected... or... not. Not kissing right is a real turn of for both men and women.

What if your partner isn't right for you kissingwise? You may not think a big deal of it but I think a good kiss is even more important then good sex. Sex is nothing more then sport with a bit of pleasure mostly at the end (unless you do it with the right person at the right time etc.) but the kiss can make it special... or... not.

Besides where are you gonna find a man who is willing not to kiss untill marriage? He want's to show you he loves you he wants to connect with you and a hug or a carress can only do so much. I think that not kissing might make you inavailable for any man, or woman whatever you prefer.

Now some Biology Sociology and Psychology. The topic learning. The Homo Sapiens is a specie which has the capabillity to learn just as our ancesters had before us. The way we learn is as follows we observe and we imitate, we fail and try again untill we succeed.

Babies don´t just walk they start with learning they have limbs which they can controll then they learn to control them they sit upright then start crawling after that they´ll pull themself up so they can stand and only then they´ll start walking wobbly at first strong and confident later on.

If you do not learn to have relationships then you cannot maintain them, I´m sorry but life´s no fairytale, there is no prince on the white horse you´ll meet and everything is ok. But relationships need work. As with any work you need to know how you need to use the tools if you want to make money (or love ;-) )

Now for some history. I would like to explain where this rule no sex before marriage comes from. in ancient times you did not have children, or at least they werren't seen as such, they where mini adults working like adults as soon as they could. and got children as soon as they could. It wasn't uncommen that they married at age 12 when puberty set in. So they married when they where biologicly ripe for having children.

Only when people got richer they had the time and money to see children as such. So boundries where pushed back more and more so that now we live in a civilization where we don't marry untill they are over twenty years old but there hormones say they want sex at age 15 or 16. artificcialy we keep this a bit later at 17 but marriage isn't realistic anymore.

Though the way it was isn't good either children now aren't ready for sex at age 12 because we imform them at their level rather then letting them in on all aspects of life (egyptians for instance encouraged teens to have sex with each other so they could practice for marriage)

I'm not saying you should give it up, as long as you believe it is right it is okay by me but I'm just making sure you know the whole story and I want to make sure that you make an informed decision and hopefully be a little bit less strict (go out and kiss, it's truly great!!!)

Don't worry you'll regret it, I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday and even though she isn't my girlfriend anymore and that technicly I sucked at it (no pun intended) I still feel it was like heaven. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner .

I hope I didn't ramble on to much, but I think that you should live as a teen and feel free for those years that you can.

Theaching about dangers of sex is a bad idea. Instead theach them about sex, with among other things the dangers.

There is a crucial difference, teaching about the dangers can have two effects:

1.)   Your child will feel bad about having sex even when she has a husband, she might even feel wrong about her own body. Notthing a bit of behaverial-cognitive therapy can't cure but preventing is better then healing, right?

2.)   Your child thinks itselve imune for the dangers (teens think they ae invincable, just the state their mind is in at that point) and they ignore your preachings and do it anyway.

When do you need to talk about sex? well therapists suggest from an early age, make it age appropriate and start with the basics. So boys have a penis and girls a vagina (it's not foofoo woowoo or whatever it has a name, use it!)

Then explain them what sex is and tell them it can be a great experience if they love someone to share it with them.

Talk about the dangers and connect it to safe sex so they can prevent the bad stuff from happening.

Maybe other things I can't think of now

Untill around age twelve they are just being inquisitive, so answer to their nature and give them the information they deserve. If they ask a question please answer it truthfully lieing only does harm! Besides, wasn't lieing a sin? (could be wrong there...) If they need to learn it from friends they'll only get the good stuff not the bad. (Why else is teen pregnacy rates and STD rates many times higher in the US then in for instance the Netherlands where talking about sex is open and encouraged.) Sex education is even mandetory here and is tought at primary and high schools.

And remember teens don't wait why would you!?!?!?!?!?!?!?