Topic : Teen Dating

Your concern is understandable; you can see the negatives in your son’s future that he simply can’t see. My advice to you is this: when you talk to your son, make a concerted effort to not lecture. I know it isn’t easy! You’ve got to change the way that you react and interact with your son; if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, then you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting. That isn’t what you want; you want a change. You have very little time left while your son is still a minor, so you’ll have to work quickly. Now is the time to create positive change in your relationship with him. If, in the past, you’ve had a ‘dictatorship’ type of relationship, try to change that. Attempt to have conversation with him about things that are NOT ‘hot button’ topics. Get to know his opinions & his likes/dislikes. Over time you both will get to know one another better as humans instead of just ‘mom’ & ‘son.’
Most of all what I want to say to you is this: once you’ve done all that you can do, you have to accept that you did your best. You are only one person, and you are basically up against the world when it comes to raising your son. Someday he might come and say, ‘mom, you were right…’ but even if that day doesn’t come, you have to know in your heart that you were right & that you did do all that you could to help him become a healthy, productive citizen.

I am not a dictator at all,,but his father is.  He has told me that he does not even feel affected by his words any longer and I know the feeling for I feel the same about his father.  His father and I still live together and I am the softer one.  I tell him how much I care about him and try to talk to him about all issues.  He recently has become so offensive towards me as well.  He groups his father and I as one...the enemy. 

 

Last week, he wanted to go visit his girlfriend...I said no, you have been working every night and you need to stay home tonight.  He called someone to come get him and left anyway.  I then called the police to find out more information.  I am worried he may be in over his head with his friends.  It seems they have such a strong hold over him and much more powerful than I. 

 

He has changed so much since hanging with them.  He seems to think he can move in with his friend and pay him 75 dollars a month as rent and live happily ever after.  They live like pigs, and have junk all over their porch and never cut their grass and buy cars and never get the old one fixed.  Their place looks like a dump.  And he chooses them over US.  I guess they accept him for who he is and why wouldn't they, they have no ambition at all.  So he does not need to impress them.  He likes it easy I guess.

 

You are right, I don't have much time left.  I decided to get tough though.  When He left the other night, I saw a light come on.  He does not respect me or he would not have left.  He won't do that with his dad here.  I quietly turned off his text messaging so he could not text his friend anymore.  He even bought another phone and it was taken so he could not message anyone.  They seem to talk and message all day long and I have had it.  If I am going to lose him, I won't do it lying down.  I am fighting back.  He thinks we have been tough, well he has not seen my bad side and I am so upset that he thinks he knows it all.  He is making such a major mistake and I have to somehow knock some sense into him. 

 

He knows I love him, and he takes advantage of my kindness. 

my daughter 16 had been dating a boy for 2 years and they have gotten along great but in march he broke up with her she cried went and talked to him, he took her back, he said it was because he wanted to spend more time with his friends and that wasn't fair to her, than he went to her prom, she went to his prom and he graduated we all went to his graduation and the night of his graduation he broke up with her through a text message(coward)! he said it is because his feelings have changed but his parents and I think it is because he is going off to college in a few months and he wants to make sure that when he is in college that there is not someone else out there for him, and he is the only one my daughter has ever dated, and same for him.  my daughter is really heart broken, she loves him, but his parents and I have told her if it is meant to be someday than he will be back.  his parents love my daughter to pieces, they are keeping the lines of communication open by texting her, my daughter says funny they aren't mad at me they are mad at their son. what does anyone out there think about my daughter keeping in contact with his parents.  I am torn in 2 different directions about it, they are good people, but I just don't know, I wonder if the xboyfriend knows it and if not how he would feel if he knew it. any thoughts out there, thanks for the input

Well that is a problem between him and his parents. Your daughter doesn't have to give up everything because the two of them broke up. If there is mutual intrest in keeping in touch they should. It might be a little ackward especially in the beginning but it wil either wear off or the contact will die down slowly.

Just let it be, it is not really your problem even though you feel weighted by it.

good luck,
arch 87

I have an 18 old daughter as of June 16. She is graduating from high school. She and her first boyfriend started dating in February of this year. We have heard wonderful things about him and his family and have met several times. We go out of town frequently since we have a lake house an hour away. My oldest child (a  34 years old) also lives 3 hours away. We visit her and her family (husband, 4 year old duaghter, 2 year old son, and son due in July) about once a month or so.  Well in April, we were all invited to the 2 year olds birthday party, including the boyfriend. The BF had to work so he could not go. Last weekend the 4 year old had her first dance recital and we were all going including the boyfriend. Wednesday before we were to leave on Saturday the SD called her dad and said we do not want the boyfriend sleeping under the same roof with my 18 year old in front of our children. She knew from the birthday party that we allowed the boyfriend to go places with us. This has caused quit a rif in the family. My D and SD hav ehad a great relationship. The 4 year old did not care who came to the dance recital as long as my D was there. We went and all stayed at a hotel. Further conversation reveled my SD thinks my D and her BF are going to get up int he middle of the night and sleep together. She said she feels this way because she did it as a teengager and so did her husband. DOn't get me wrong, these people are fine upstanding people today. My husband did not see much of his daughter as a teen becasue her mother moved her to a different city and SD was not interested in spendning time in our smaller town. They have a great relationship now. We all do . I took time off from nmy work to help her after the birth of her second child. Her mother was 3 hours away geting a massage, maicure, pedicure, and going out with her boyfriend. She also allows her mother to come and sleep in the same bed with her boyfiriend that she says is fiance. When I last asked when they were getting married she roled he eyes and said "I don't know."

I understand she has the right to make the rules in her house. My problem is she is treating this side of the family different. She is sending a message to my D she doen not trust her. She is punishing my child and making relationships difficult because of what she did as a teen. My husband is furiosu with her but is caught in the middle. She has our grandchildren and we have (had) a great relationship. The GK have never spent the night with her mother and they come here and stay with us several times a year for different things.

Pleas help me find a way to handke this situation!

Well I think that it is not so much about not trusting your daughter as to trying to prevent your daughter from making a "mistake" she made as a teen. It's quite common. the difference between the two sides of the family is her own position. It's almost impossible to stand up to your mother. She has always been a separate person who had her own life and who she looked up to. (I'm guessing you can't stand up to your mother about who she's with either) Your daughter on the other hand was a child for her just a few years back who she probably loves and want's to protect just as you do. Therefore she want's to protect her this way.
I hope this insight helps you better handle the situation.

P.S. on a side note I think it's perfectly normal for her age to sleep together with her boyfriend (it's really normal here.)

Thanks for the insight. I hope you understnd that mu D and her boyfriend are not sleeping together in the same bed. This is only under the same roof on differnt floors of the house.

I have a 14 year old son who has had the same girlfriend for a year.  We are concerned at his age of things getting too serious.  They are constantly on the phone and wanting to be together all the time.  He doesn't have any other friends that he interacts with except in school.  The school authorities have told us that she is like siran wrap around our son and won't let him out of her sight.  From what we're observing, she is very controlling, impolite at times.  I have met the parents and do not at all feel comfortable letting him go over to her house.  I am very worried that we're heading for trouble here.  I told him the longer this relationship continues, it will be harder on both of them when it's time to move on.  He indicates that they will be together forever.  He has mentioned to me that a lot of his friends and their girlfriends have sex.   I know that teenagers make bad decisions all the time and I'm concerned that they will both be attending the same highschool in the Fall.  He plays basketball and piano but he shows little or no interest anymore since this relationship.  He is an honors student with a bright future ahead of him, but from what I observe all she is interested in his monopolizing all his time.  She calls incessantly and they talk for hours on the phone every day.  Any help or advice would be appreciated.  This is our only son and I'm new at this.  Thank you. 

Well it is normal for his age to fall in love and indeed it can devellop into a serious relationship aswell. So for that part it is normal.
What is worrying me is that he doesn't have a life apart from her anymore. though in the beginning of a relationship that is normal aswell. He, on the other hand, should be in the fase in which he gets his own life back again.
Banning his girlfriend totally won't work it's just going to backfire. You can however limit the time he can spend with her. You can limit them to three days together for instance and one hour of phone time (you are paying the bills right?) for the rest he should be doing something else with friends. Now he won't like you for that but you can make it clear he can still be with her but you think that he should have some things for himself aswell.
Talking about them breaking up won't work (would you believe that if you are madly in love?) you just need to bring it possitive and just sometimes hint at her lesser qualities (but let him find out she isn't right for him.) on the bright side there are still 2 transition stages (out of three) every relationship has to go through and in those many relationships strand.