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Topic : Teen Dating

Number of Replies: 435
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:50 pm
Author : dataimport
Say it isn't so - your teenager is dating! Share your stories, and tips for making your teen's dating days as worry-free as possible.

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October 10, 2005, 3:20 pm CDT

A teen on teen dating reply

I agree,  

My mom told me I couldn't date until I had a job and was 16, well I met a guy I liked when I was 14, Lost my virginity to him when I was 15. I didn't even know what sex was. I think most of the reason was to prove I could. You say No, I say Yes. It's not like I was allowed to go out with him either, we can be quite sneaky when were young, I snook out when my mom was at work, and I'd skip school to be with him, or have "lunch" in the park.  I was on a mission to prove I could do whatever I wanted. Thankfully I had enough sense to use condoms, and now, at 19, I've never been pregnant and didn't get any STD's. But I was the straight A student, athlete, every parents dream, so don't assume your kid won't do it. If you set boundaries to tight, your teen will rebel. You have to give them some space to make their own mistakes, educate them about abstinence or safe sex. If there's any advice I could give to young teens out there, it is I regret the choices I made when I was young and confused and I hope they don't fall into the same traps.  If your child feels you trust them they will try harder to maintain that trust, if they feel like they have no room to breathe they will find a way to get the breathing room they want. 

 
October 10, 2005, 3:21 pm CDT

Dating

i am 14 and my mom lets me date as long as its not alone or double dating (cuz then we could go off in pairs). but i feel its more comfortable if its a group date just to you can have support if something goes wrong. its also a good thing because you can learn to get to know people and you will be hanging arouds guys as friends so you can learn to be friends before going out.
 
October 10, 2005, 3:34 pm CDT

teens dating

I understand many parents' fears about letting their children date, however if it is a non-debatable issue in the household, then chances are your teen will do it anyway--behind your back. My mother told me that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but I managed to do it anyways. I (purposefully, I admit) got together with an older guy and I started sneaking out at night, and I would sneak him into my house at night occasionally. I ended up "falling in love" with him, and unfortunately got pregnant (had a miscarriage cuz he hit me so hard, but that's another topic). I latched onto him like a puppy because I was intentionally rebelling against my mother. If my mother had allowed some negotiating, then I never would have gotten into that situation. I wish she had allowed group dating, because I would have been socializing with people my own age. 

  

Teenagers do need to learn important social skills which will help them in the dating field later. Whether you like it or not, your teenager will have that huge crush, and if you do nothing to help him or her learn how to deal with those emotions, then you may be dealing with bigger problems later on. Dating in a group takes a lot of the pressure off, and allows teens to learn to relate in terms of like/love/lust in a much less intense atmosphere. In a group setting, there is less chance of kids having sex, and will feel much less pressure to do more than they are ready for than in a one-on-one date.  When you're with one person on a date, that person may have a very strong influence and put your child in a position to have sex because that person wants to. 

  

Also, if you don't allow some exposure to dating, then you may be setting your child up for a promiscuous future. It is analagous to being in a cage for a long time, then being set free. You feel you've missed out on so much, so you get into everything you can in order to "catch up" to your peer group. A dear friend of mine was not allowed to date until age 18, and as soon as she got her freedom in college, she went buckwild. She began having sex with lots of people because she thought she was missing out. Now she is 24 years old, and is still having trouble forming healthy relationships with men. She tells me that if she'd been allowed to date at an earlier age (maybe 14 or 15) she would know better how to deal with the emotional turmoil that can come with relationships. 

  

I'm in no way saying that you should force your child to be in a relationship, but at least allowing the option to hang out/date in a group setting will foster healthy attitudes and behaviors later on. 

 
October 10, 2005, 3:57 pm CDT

another teen commenting

 I've just recently entered the "dating game." i wasn't supposed to date until i turned sixteen, but i met the man of my dreams seven months ago, and my parents allowed me to date him. We're both strong Christians and have very strong morals and values and rules as to what is allowed and what is not. He's eighteen, and I will turn sixteen in about one month... and yes, i know, it seems like a fairy tale, and it seems naive... but its true. He recently gave me a promise ring, and we plan on marrying. He has never tried to force anything on me that i did not want to do, and its a very healthy relationship. Honestly, if you've raised your child the right way, he or she will date the right people and make the right choices. I'm not saying you shouldnt be involved; the surest way to get your teen into a bad relationship is to be detached. My boyfriend's parents are that way; they try to stay out of their children's relationships as much as possible, mainly after his oldest brother got his girlfriend pregnant. I think theyre afraid of it happening again, and just don't want to know. Whatever the logic, its a bad idea. We aren't like that, but some teens may be. Right now I'm allowed on the occasional double date and fairly often group dates, and he regularly comes to my house and watches movies with me. Its very casual in that there is very little drama, but we're serious about it and we love each other very much. In any case, I hope this helps everyone see things from a teens perspective.
 
October 10, 2005, 4:35 pm CDT

Take it slow!

Quote From: lladybugg

 I've just recently entered the "dating game." i wasn't supposed to date until i turned sixteen, but i met the man of my dreams seven months ago, and my parents allowed me to date him. We're both strong Christians and have very strong morals and values and rules as to what is allowed and what is not. He's eighteen, and I will turn sixteen in about one month... and yes, i know, it seems like a fairy tale, and it seems naive... but its true. He recently gave me a promise ring, and we plan on marrying. He has never tried to force anything on me that i did not want to do, and its a very healthy relationship. Honestly, if you've raised your child the right way, he or she will date the right people and make the right choices. I'm not saying you shouldnt be involved; the surest way to get your teen into a bad relationship is to be detached. My boyfriend's parents are that way; they try to stay out of their children's relationships as much as possible, mainly after his oldest brother got his girlfriend pregnant. I think theyre afraid of it happening again, and just don't want to know. Whatever the logic, its a bad idea. We aren't like that, but some teens may be. Right now I'm allowed on the occasional double date and fairly often group dates, and he regularly comes to my house and watches movies with me. Its very casual in that there is very little drama, but we're serious about it and we love each other very much. In any case, I hope this helps everyone see things from a teens perspective.

I don't doubt that you love each other very much.  First loves often hold a special place in our hearts.  BUT there is a reason that adults tell young people like yourself not to jump into anything serious.  It may seem to you that we just don't understand how real it feels to you or how strongly you feel your commitment to each other is--trust me, we've been there!  We know!  At this point in your life, you can't imagine ever loving anyone else.  As much as you don't want to hear it, that IS naive.  You can't possibly comprehend what a life-long commitment like marriage entails when you haven't lived on your own, paid your own bills, and made your own way in the world.  You say your relationship is "very casual", that there is "very little drama".  That may very well be because you don't have anything to worry about right now--you don't have a mortgage, a car payment, a credit card bill, utilities, insurance, etc.  These are the things that cause dramas in relationships, and how you handle those dramas will tell you whether or not you are compatible.  Being deleriously happy 7 months in to any relationship is pretty manageable, and I'm happy that you have found someone that you enjoy spending time with, but please do yourself a favor and just be together for now.  Don't be in such a rush to grow up and play house--it's a lot harder than you think!  

 
October 10, 2005, 4:57 pm CDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: sweetswami

I don't doubt that you love each other very much.  First loves often hold a special place in our hearts.  BUT there is a reason that adults tell young people like yourself not to jump into anything serious.  It may seem to you that we just don't understand how real it feels to you or how strongly you feel your commitment to each other is--trust me, we've been there!  We know!  At this point in your life, you can't imagine ever loving anyone else.  As much as you don't want to hear it, that IS naive.  You can't possibly comprehend what a life-long commitment like marriage entails when you haven't lived on your own, paid your own bills, and made your own way in the world.  You say your relationship is "very casual", that there is "very little drama".  That may very well be because you don't have anything to worry about right now--you don't have a mortgage, a car payment, a credit card bill, utilities, insurance, etc.  These are the things that cause dramas in relationships, and how you handle those dramas will tell you whether or not you are compatible.  Being deleriously happy 7 months in to any relationship is pretty manageable, and I'm happy that you have found someone that you enjoy spending time with, but please do yourself a favor and just be together for now.  Don't be in such a rush to grow up and play house--it's a lot harder than you think!  

 i totally understand your perspective on this. and like i said, i KNOW it sounds naive, and myabe it is, a little. But I'm almost positive that this is the man that God has placed in my life to love and provide for me for the rest of my days... and im very happy about that. True, we dont really have much to worry about - but to me, when you love the person, the rest of that really doesnt matter so much. we've had our share of trials in the past, but theyre resolved now and we're on an even, steady keel. In any case, we really aren't rushing... especially seeing as how im afraid more than anything to rush into a relationship and end up divorced. *shrug*
 
October 10, 2005, 9:10 pm CDT

Dating

I have to admit that it is a tough decision as a parent to determine the appropriate age for dating. As a child I was always told that dating should occur only in university!! (Americans call it college?)  

  

I don't think parents can control their kids if they truly want to rebel. The best thing my parents did was preparing me for the dating world by constantly tellingl me the qualities I should look for in a significant other before it happened. I started dating very young in junior high (without the approval or knowledge of my parents) and although I would NOT encourage other children to do so, thankfully I listened to what my parents said and almost five years later my bf and I are still together with the full support of both our families. We have a wonderful, non-sexual relationship and intend to keep it that way until marriage. 

  

My advice in hindsight? If they decide to start dating young it will be inevitable as a parent, but make sure they know the emotional and moral responsibilities that are associated with dating. One day they will get married and it may not be to the person they are dating now, so preserve the meaning of the word "love" and save their best for the one they will someday marry.  

 
October 10, 2005, 9:20 pm CDT

A very hard situation

Quote From: starjammir

 Well 2 years ago I met this girl at my work...blah blah blah we were friends than one day about 2 months ago I told her that I liked her.  She told me that we couldnt go out because shes baptist and im catholic, and her parents would not except it (boy was she right).  So I kept trying and kept telling her how I felt than one day we were walking and she told me how she felt (and her friends agree'd).  Anyways we start dating (Im 18 almost 19 and she will be 18 in Dec), and her parents found out.  Her parents banned her from ever talking to me again or seeing me.  That didn't go over to well, so we still hung out.  About 2 months into the relationship her parents found out again and told her its againist Gods will for you and crap.  Her parents told her that I am just trying to get some (which is 100% wrong) and that she is to never see me again.  They made her quit her job, took her car and her cell phone, and grounded her from leaving the house, and she is not allowed to have anyone over for fear she will call me.  So I went out and bought her a pre paid cell phone so we can still talk.  Anyways she calls me everyday crying her eyes out on how much she misses me and everything. 
Here is the kicker.  She said when she turns 18 she is moving out inless her parents can see/understand this. She is home schooled and she said she will get her GED if she has to.  Her cousin already said she can move in with her if she leaves her house. I do not understand why they will not let her date.  What do I do?  I enjoy spending time with this girl and have NEVER EVER felt this way about any of my past relationships.  There is something about her.  And leaving her is not an option.  I have tried talking to her parents and do not get anywhere.  What do I do now?
Thanks

When I was 18 almost 19, I was a freshman at college and I met the man I thought I was going to spend eternity with. He was 21. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints(Mormon), and he was ELCA Lutheran. Just as your girlfriend's family, my religion teaches doctrine, principles, and standards, etc. that if you are not a member of the church you can not understand or participate in. The most important example of this is: As members of the church, we believe that families can be forever by being married and SEALED in the Temple. In order to do this, you must be a baptized, worthy member. Now you see the dilema I had. He was not a member. We spent just over 2 years together trying to figure out how we could be together with much heartache along the way. I was going against everything I had been taught about being worthy. I was more willing to learn (and LEAN) about his religion and chosen faith then he was about mine. I had been taught all my life to honor my parents, not to have sex before marriage, not to drink, not to co-habitate, to dress modestly and many other things and I was going against it all.  

What happened to end it all was that I had finally made the decision for myself that I truely believed what I had always been taught. That my religion and faith was the right and true way and that I couldn not go against that. IT was MY CHOICE. Not his, and not my parents.  

Right now your girlfriend is not an adult and still lives under her parents roof. I feel as if there is not much she can or should do in order to be with you. Once she is 18 AND she doesn't live with her parents it is HER choice what she wants to do.  

If you truely care about her and respect her, you will not ask her to go against her parents yet. But more importantly you will let her figure out what it is she truely belives as far as her faith and religion is concerned. A lot of religions believe too differently for two people to be able to be married and raise a family together. It's hard enough in today's world to have a successful marriage when both husband and wife believe and want the same things for family and so on. It will just be that much harder for you if you don't to begin with. 

I'm sorry if my message seems scattered. Your story struck a familiar chord with me. I do hope that all works out for you two as I know that all does work out the way it is supposed to and is meant to. 

 
October 10, 2005, 9:25 pm CDT

Hmmm...

Quote From: whitemag3

 If your 20 why does she care so much about you dating and staying with your boyfriend? Parents should stop being so protective of any teens 17+ because we have the abilities they we need to make good decisions.
17 +? In America, you are not an adult until you are 18. AND She lives under her parents roof. she should respect that.
 
October 11, 2005, 8:08 am CDT

Teen and older boy

We have a 14-year old daughter (15 in Nov) - freshman in high shcool - who has recently developed strong attachment emotions for a 17-year senior (soon to be 18).  We do not allow her to date yet and they only see each other at school or in group situations (theme parks, concerts).  However, we recently found out the boy has a checkered past (and present) including breaking and entering a neighbor's home and taking laptop computers.  Our daughter naively thinks the boy was "not really involved" but has "learned his lesson".  He confessed to the neighbor - hence, they did not prosecute.  However, he has other arrests as well.  We want to stop our daughter from seeing and/or talking with this boy now since we know (a) he is trouble and (b) he will be 18 soon.  However, when we discussed this last night, she fell apart.  Today could be different.  But we are adamant and do not want the boy around her at all.  Ideas?
 
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